Welcome back to Britain's LEAST acclaimed podcast. It's Regular Features, gab nab it, and it's the only podcast on the web as far we know.

In this episode, Steve has an update from the British Podcast Awards. Log measures our pride with a capital pee. And Matt talks about chairs for what seems like ages, but turns out is only about 12 minutes. Okay here we go.

take a seat

601: Proud Beethoven Chairs

Oh, it's a bad day to be a dolemite! But possibly a good day if you're a children's book or someone called "Rocky Balboa". 

£££4Punches

602: Rocky DCII SUBTITLE Freezin' My Dolemites Off

Take a little pinch of Regular, and a heaped teaspoon of Features. Pre-heat the oven. Sorry I was supposed to tell you to do that first. Unpinch the Regular and tip the Features back into the Feature Scuttle. Now that your hands are free, pre-heat the oven. Okay. Now you can repinch the Regular, add a heaped teaspoon of Features. Hold on. There was supposed to be greaseproof paper somewhere. Sorry.

In this episode, Joe introduces us to Rumplestiltskin's weird brother. Log clears out a gay bar using the power of words. And Steve is back with a critically acclaimed sequel in the Brian Cradle sagaverse. Please love us!!

"Volatile Reaction" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

"Touching Moments Four - Melody" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

nyah-hah-hah!

603: The Bus That Couldn't Remember His Name

Oh my goodness, you STINK. Get in the bath immediately. I cannot BELIEVE how often I have to scrub the stink off of you in this bath. Urgh, first I need to scrape off this outer layer of Gavin, who has clearly been equating figures of Irish renown with NFL offensive positions. Oh, and what do we have under here? A Steve feature about his washing machine I shouldn't doubt. And, oh god, I've been sick, this is a whole bubbling film of Joe discussing the stagnation of the kitchen. OK get out, I love you again.

Mr Bond please coin me

604: Normal Irishmen in the Microwave

When she saw me running backwards and forwards and getting confused, shouting "oh no I can't organise my thoughts because I'm running backwards and forwards and getting confused", my grandmother used to put a hand on my shoulder and say "more haste, less speed". 

I looked her square in the eye and said "oh my god you mad hag everyone knows time = distance / speed, that is the most stupid thing I've ever heard". Then I would fall asleep from not being able to find my keys. 

It is THAT spirit of GET IT DONE that Gav brings to the world when he drives a car: up to - and exceeding! - the speed limit. This time, however, he has been caught, and now the only Zooming he's doing is in a meeting with a speed awareness instructor! (That's a real joke: there are nearly FOUR in this episode.)

Meanwhile, Joe brings an angry father into the show. A man who wants to know why his debutante offspring has been scandalised to death by our vulgar utterances. And Log has joined a gym that is expensive beyond reason and reckons he can put it against his tax bill if he says it was research for the podcast. 

"Western Streets" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

JUICE POLICE

605 - Money, Speed And Scandal

I really have to encourage you to listen to this, because Log makes a whimsical guess during the second feature and it's honestly astonishing stuff. Elsewhere, Joe gets into advertising (again), Matt's been watching strangers on the beach (again), and Log regales us with tales from the life of man who sells fish in pubs (unique). 

P.S. You're a bee.

FISHMONEY

606: Slinging Fish on the Beach

Do you think Pliny the Elder and Pliny the Younger ever had a magic act where Pliny the Elder would climb into a big wooden box with whatever the Latin is for "PLINY THE ELDER'S DE-AGING DEVICE" written on it. Then Pliny the Younger would jump out of the box and say "behold, it is I, Pliny the Elder but younger. But you may call me simply Pliny." 

Then William Pitt, who had been watching from backstage, calls his dad on the phone and says "Pitt! Pitt the Elder! It's your son, Pitt the Younger. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well listen to this!" and then he holds the phone towards the stage, not understanding that telephones can't convey a magic act that ended twenty seconds ago. "Pitt the Disappointment, more like," says Pitt the Elder on the phone to no one.

In this episode. Steve gets scanned. Log gets Zimmed. Joe gets secrets. Charmed I'm sure.

clunk, clip, clap

607: Scan My Secret Big Boy

In this episode, something's got under Steve's skin, something's got out of Log's bottom, and something's threatening to explode in Joe's mouth. It's very much a "well that's certainly something" kind of an episode. And will we apologise for that? Yes, actually. Sorry.

"Prelude in C" / "Unseen Horrors" / "Wholesome"
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

coin coin coin

608: The Buerk Ultimatum

I'm sick! I'm so sick! I'm being sick! *BLUUURGH* I just vomited out Joe's will! *BAAAAARF* Oh, out comes some Google reviews Steve saw! *GLOOORP* And that's Log's dog walk adventures. I think it's all out now, I think I'm OK now- *GAAAAAARP*

£ for bees, horses etc

609: The Four Elements - Bees, Horses, Eggs, Crabs

This one was recorded in person so we got 1. very excited and 2. very naughty. No presents for us this year hahahahahdds 

£££ for Goose

610: Bees Behaving Badly

Steve, Log, Joe, Matt and Gav present the podcast that's the same every week

Tracks by Regular Features