Fansong for a fanfic.

You can come inside my place
 I'll let you set the pace
This game of push and pull
I know you love it too

But when you call my name
Don't try to kiss me
And l won't press you where it hurts

When you first touched me
I felt complete 
But please...

Pull me close so I can hide
From your eyes
Let softness turn to stone
Inside my chest

And when I call your name
Don't try to keep me
No strings, no feelings; just release

You agreed

When you touch me I feel complete
This isn’t romance, but it suits us perfectly
The way we come together, no one would believe
But please…

Don’t push me

Rules of engagement [explicit]

Lyrics: 

Bone tired, burnt out
Sick of caring ‘til I’m out 
Of fucks to give about you, dear

Sharp tongue, cruel mouth
Cute until you tear me down 
Like you and I were never here.

I held you close through the worst days of our lives
I know you love me more than death
I can’t keep watching you push everyone away
 'Cause who could stay if you don’t let them?

Nightmares bring me back
Wake up staring in the black 
With your screams ringing in my ear

I’ll hold your hand
Riding with you where he can’t
Your happiness paralyzed by fear

I held you close through the worst days of our lives 
You know I love you to the death
I can’t keep watching you push everyone away 
What would he say if he could see it?

[music]

But I’m
Bone tired
Burnt out
Sick of caring
‘Til I’m out
Of fucks to give
About you

Breaking Point [explicit]

Lyrics:

[verse]
Sunlight bloomed where you found me
Petals fell all under the tree
Your smile a blanket around me
So soft, you make it look easy

Felt all alone a long time
Glass tower no one could climb
Looked for a meaningless good time
Saw you and wanted a lifetime

All this to say
If I could change my date, I’d say:

[chorus]
“Oh god I want you to touch me
I want our bodies entwined”
A selfish world you could love me
Where all I want could be mine

Each fleeting moment a present
Each day with you I have left 
To ask for more would be selfish

[verse]
You found me in the moonlight 
Hair down, yo, what an amazing sight
Your arms around me felt so right
Slept next to you for the whole night 

“Just friends,” the hell what was I thinkin’?
I’ve got a sakura season
But still this feeling is sinkin’
I can’t remember the reason

All this to say
If I could change my fate, I’d say

[chorus]
“Oh god I want you to touch me
I want our bodies entwined”
A selfish world you could love me
Where all I want could be mine

Each fleeting moment a present
Each day with you I have left 
To ask for more would be selfish

[bridge]
When I’m gone, you’ll thank me
For sparing you your heart
It can’t be broken if we never fall in love

But if you spare just a moment of your time
You could be mine, if only in my mind 

[outro]

“Oh god I want you to love me
I want our feelings entwined”
A selfish world would be lovely 
Where all I want could be mine

Each fleeting moment a present
Each day with you I have left 
To ask for more would be selfish

Sakura Season

[1]

I lost control. Swerved off the road
Split myself open
I didn’t know this heart of stone
Could bleed

So I attacked, and I stepped back
Let my sins stack up till I cracked
I wouldn’t blame you 
If you didn’t want me back

I’m trying to make things right
If it takes the whole damn night

With you I fly—no
With you I flew
But when the sun rises
Let’s start out new

[2]

My secrets kept me distant
I played with fire and didn’t
Listen to my heart
Until things fell apart

I don’t deserve the grace I have
But if you’re giving me a chance
To make things work
I give you my word

I’m going to make things right
If it takes my whole damn life

With you I’ll fly
The way we flew
And when the sun rises
We’ll start out new

[3]

I know I pushed too far this time
A fool in darkness leading blind men
To the starting line 
I will not apologize

Each scar was worth it 
For this work of art in progress 
It isn’t perfect, but—

I will stand and fight
With you both here by my side 

With you I’ll fly
With you we’ll soar to new heights
And when the sun rises
We’ll make it right

(With you I’ll fly
With you we’ll soar to new heights
We’ll start with love this time 
We’ll start with love and make things right)

New Heights

A fan song
Based on the fic Untethering

When we were young 
I fell in love with you, Darling
There was no rush
We had so much time

Spent years apart 
Spent years spiraling back together
Till you and I were so intertwined 
We can't unwind

I’ll go with you anywhere:
To the future, to bed, to the moon
Our time apart is almost and an end
The waiting will be over soon

Let me pick you up
Let me take you home 
No more broken hearts 
No more wasted time

Should have never left;
I should have told you when I had the chance 
Could’ve spent our best years at your side
And I unwind

I’ll go with you anywhere:
To the future, to bed, to the moon
Our time apart is almost and an end
The waiting will be over soon

Where have you gone?
You're getting cold
Can you hear me call your name? 
Can you feel me getting close? 

I was made for wanting
And I want for you alone
But you have left me 
In a way I can't follow

To Unwind

This song was created for the Shadowhunters Mini Bang 2025: Presented by the Malec Discord Server. Based on the fic "Morning Grey, Mourning Day" by Ao3 author tinynocturnalzoo.

I quickly fell in love with my writer's story upon reading the first scene provided for the prompt. Their fic is a moving meditation of the nature of grief and longing. Go read it.

Many thanks to my irl partner for setting up the guitar pedals and track mastering to bring this from a voice memo to a proper demo recording.  

When It Rains Lyrics

[verse]

Close my eyes and let the weight sink in
I can almost hear you in the rain
Making coffee in the kitchen
Your cup sits where you left it
Waiting for your touch

[chorus]

Those were the golden days—
I don't want to leave this haze—
I miss you when it rains
I miss you every day

All my mornings turn to grey. . .

[verse]

Poured the whiskey, but I don't take a drink
Already drunk on memories
The way I begged for you to stay with me
The way I had to watch you leave

Those were the golden days—
I don't want to leave this haze—
I miss you when it rains
I miss you every day

Three hundred years on earth, and
All I ever learned from love was pain

All my mornings turn to grey. . .

[bridge 1]

In the hallowed halls
Where hunters rest after they fall
I watch them offer words up to the stone

They praise your sacrifice
“A noble way to lose your life”
I'm left to mourn your brilliance alone

[instrumental]

[bridge 2]

In the garden it rains heavy
Where I plant our memories
I will leave here when I'm ready
For now, just let me be. . .

[chorus/outro]

Those were the golden days—
I don't want to leave this haze—
I miss you when it rains
I miss you every day

All my mornings turn to grey
All I learn from love is pain
I'll carry you until the end. . .
Always

When It Rains

Cover of a song in the fanfic Before Your Sun Sets by WhiteButterfly on Ao3. Lyrics by WhiteButterfly on ao3. 

Lyrics

We both thought no flowers could ever grow here
A harsh land too barren for hope to persevere
The seeds were all there, though, only waiting for light
And once we found it, the whole world bloomed to life

Against all odds, we found each other
And created this heaven of our own together
Through love and care, we made it grow
Blazing crimson and soft azure setting the skies aglow

I used to be scared to see it all burn
But by being by your side, there’s something I’ve learned
There’s no point in doubting when you’re holding me near
For as long as we’re together, I’ve got nothing to fear

Together [cover]

Dreaming

roads from home

I write songs and fanfiction. This soundcloud is for hosting podfic adaptations, fandom related playlists, and original music of my own.

Dreaming

Undergod