a collaboration between my 23- and 28-year-old selves. 5 years ago i released my debut album, anhedonia. even when i first released it, i felt it was maybe lacking in some regards, but i wasn't sure how to improve on it without compromising the album's structure and cohesion so i settled for what it was. i took my time on it and had some ambitious ideas but lacked the technical skill to execute them the way i would've liked. the mixes were muddy despite not much going on, the percussion stuck out awkwardly, and i used the same few synths and drum samples for the whole thing. but there were nice melodies and track concepts that i felt compelled to revisit and see if i could do them justice and make the album as beautiful as i imagined it being. so here it is. the first sadfem album. again. but finally up to my own standards.

CD / DL + bonus tracks

anhedonia redux

Video

pale blog (update)

where are you going tonight?
why can't i come with you?
why does it always have to be this hard for us?
why do i always cry
when you're by my side?
what does it take to make this right?

alwaves (feat. ANGEL DIARY)

whenever

memento hikikomori

iced tears (sweetened)

melancholia / echolalia

never (again)

you saw that i
was rough around the edges and inside them
you called and i
came
now fall in love with my
faults and i'll stop trying to hide them
call out my name
'cause you called and i
came

i know when you're close
drains my will not to follow
where you go
and i'd break if you put me down

and i've been too good
and you've been too good
we will never be anything more
we will never be anything more

close / call (feat. aphir)

lyrics + vocals by @grbageman99
production + mixing + mastering + art by me

lyrics:

wind chimes and the sprinklers at 3 a.m.
i tried to redecorate my conscience
accusing any regiment
well i guess i'm really selling it

every move i make is more degrading
but they'd pay to imitate it
come judgement day there's gonna be complications

stressing me 'cause i'm where you wanna be
but how does that make any sense
it's too crowded in my head
i've seen worse and i been worth less
coming clean, i don't think ill ever accept it
thoughts so invasive they pests
still uncomfortable in my bed
wanted more, that's not what i meant

it's too crowded in my head
such a chore to get out of bed
can't rehearse the worse it get
but if i let you lead me to the lion's den
gonna let you feel a little deviant

mosquitoes buzzing through my window screen
i was right but it was instinct not prophecy
know my logic delicate
but i sell it like its dexterous
i didn't mean to be so entertaining
want the truth then complain about it
don't need a muse just distorted imagination

stressing me 'cause i'm where you wanna be
but how does that make any sense
it's too crowded in my head
say you're cursed, i think you're just bored of all of it
still sore and dangerous
i know you're leading me right into the lion's den
anticipating all the fantasies you'll feed me again

looking for me, swear i'm not where you wanna be
it doesn't need to make sense
still uncomfortable, i can't rest
got nothing to say, well you can get left

it's too crowded in my head
i've seen worse and i been worth less

i don't know if it's worth it
i've exploited all of my darkness
new phone, can't trust
'cause you swore it was all for us

pantomimes, breaking necks for my attention
tragedy or divine intervention
appreciate the sentiment
but it don't alleviate the permanence
but i appreciate the sentiment
i must be really selling it

still broken / lions den (feat. grbageman)

i've never felt
this empty before
cry to myself
fade out once more

wait for the day when i see you again
am i in love? am i playing pretend?
call out to me as a means to an end
who is there to blame when you run out of friends?
distracted and helpless
i vanish so selfishly
your magic is working
i'm panicked and worsening
why did they leave? what am i doing wrong?
where can we meet when you're already gone?
why am i here, staying up until dawn?
waiting out here, waiting ever so long
i'm sorry, i fucked up
i'm sorry, there's no trust
i'm sorry, so helpless
distracted and selfish

i've never felt
this empty before
cry to myself
fade out once more
i've never felt
this empty before
cry to myself
fade out once more

it's enough to tempt me
leave me feeling empty feelings
i know satan sent me
it's enough to send me reeling
i'm just waiting for you
text and i ignore you
rain and let it pour through
talk to me like poor you

i'm sorry, i fucked up
i'm sorry, there's no trust
i'm sorry, so helpless
distracted and selfish

overapologetic (feat. delcada)

natural born loser who makes electronica that integrates varying amounts of ambient, wave, dnb, breakcore, bedroom pop, trip-hop, digicore, and whatever else it could be labelled, underpinned by a distinct ear for melody, melancholy, and dreamlike atmosphere.

i also offer affordable mixing/mastering! my prices:
£15/single
£45/EP
£75/album