a collaboration between my 23- and 28-year-old selves. 5 years ago i released my debut album, anhedonia. even when i first released it, i felt it was maybe lacking in some regards, but i wasn't sure how to improve on it without compromising the album's structure and cohesion so i settled for what it was. i took my time on it and had some ambitious ideas but lacked the technical skill to execute them the way i would've liked. the mixes were muddy despite not much going on, the percussion stuck out awkwardly, and i used the same few synths and drum samples for the whole thing. but there were nice melodies and track concepts that i felt compelled to revisit and see if i could do them justice and make the album as beautiful as i imagined it being. so here it is. the first sadfem album. again. but finally up to my own standards.

CD / DL + bonus tracks

anhedonia redux

composed / produced / mixed / mastered by sadfem
additional composition / instrumental production by Foxxy Dekay, kindy x, and swørd
lyrics / vocals / additional vocal production by BL00DSLIDE, grbageman, SURFIE SPICE, Mirrors For Princes, and Aphir
cover art illustrated by Foxxy Dekay / recoloured by sadfem

i think of this album as a reflection on having essentially given up on life. knowing you'll never catch up to your peers. fantasising about ending yourself but knowing you'll continue to passively exist. trying to make peace with it and find comfort, gratitude, and beauty in this harsh world.

then again maybe that's pretentious and retroactively imposed. i didn't make most of the tracks thinking their musical elements have a specific meaning, beyond the general mood they evoke alongside the samples of media that resonated with me in one way or another.

i didn't initially see the project ending up as ambitious as it did. it started out with a couple of tracks where i tried dabbling in some new styles and exploring more of the tools my recently upgraded music software provided. at one point i thought, maybe i'll put out a sort of idm ep with a bunch of anime samples. then i kept having more ideas until it ended up being my longest, most diverse and accomplished release yet. funny how something i started off not taking as seriously as previous albums led to substantially more experimentation and growth as an artist, i guess that's often the way. i'm satisfied that i managed to branch out my sound and alternate between varying combinations of genres that interest me, while still having the album sound fairly cohesive. i'm also really glad i got to collaborate with all the featured artists. thank you all.

i hope you'll take the time to listen to this album and that it makes you feel something.

Download

learned helplessness

the sick personality (sadfem remix)

original version: https://soundcloud.com/brynnmiche/i-killed-myself-in-january
original instrumental by @deadyami
lyrics:

Imma cut my hair into a bob
And then cut my bangs straight across
Then maybe I'll feel human after all
I killed myself in January
Please can you forget about me
Hollow shell, I know I lack substance

I can't look people in the eyes
I know that you're sad inside
But sometimes, it's better not to cry
My friends all call me Mary Jane
And these places always stay the same
I'm not the person that I used to be
When things we used to do
Is a reminder of me and you
I hope someday you'll be happy too
I hope someday you'll be happy too
I hope someday you'll be happy too

Imma cut my hair into a bob
And then cut my bangs straight across
Then maybe I'll feel human after all
I killed myself in January
Please can you forget about me
Hollow shell, I know I lack substance

My head always feels so cloudy
You would be better without me
One of those things that just don't work out
See my reflection in your eyes
The way your hand fits in mine
This is just another one of those goodbyes
This is just another one of those goodbyes
This is just another one of those goodbyes
I don't wanna say
I don't wanna say
I don't wanna say goodbye
I don't wanna say
I don't wanna say
I don't wanna say

Goodbye

Imma cut my hair into a bob
And then cut my bangs straight across
Then maybe I'll feel human after all
I killed myself in January
Please can you forget about me
Hollow shell, I know I lack substance
Imma cut my hair into a bob
And then cut my bangs straight across
Then maybe I'll feel human after all
Then maybe I'll feel human after all

brynn </3 - /i killed myself in january/ (sadfem remix)

where are you going tonight?
why can't i come with you?
why does it always have to be this hard for us?
why do i always cry
when you're by my side?
what does it take to make this right?

alwaves (feat. ANGEL DIARY)

They always ask me to stop smoking cigarettes
Telling me one day I'll smoke myself to death
But I'll find my place in this world without you here
But I guess I'll stick around for another year

You were never worth it (never worth it)
Begging you to stay with me
I should have known better (known better)
You would never change for me

Head in the smoke
Eyes hazy, staying low
Lost all sight of myself
Who am I now?

Why waste my time when you could have been mine?
I just wanna be everything you need
Got me fucked up in my head again
And it makes it hard to breathe
And I always keep my head in the clouds
'Cause I know I'm absolute in doubt
There’s a reason why I don’t call you back
In the end will you haunt me now?

In the end will you haunt me now?

They always ask me to stop smoking cigarettes
Telling me one day I'll smoke myself to death
But I'll find my place in this world without you here
But I guess I'll stick around for another year

I wanna be someone (somebody else)
To forget who you are
I’m a lot like you (so much like you)
But you tear me apart

Head in the smoke
Eyes hazy, staying low
Lost all sight of myself
Who am I now?

Why waste my time when you could have been mine?
I just wanna be everything you need
Got me fucked up in my head again
And it makes it hard to breathe
And I always keep my head in the clouds
'Cause I know I'm absolute in doubt
There’s a reason why I don’t call you back
In the end will you haunt me now?

In the end will you haunt me now?
In the end will you haunt me now?

I feel like I'm falling all the time
Now i feel weightless, high all the time
Ready to go now, everything's fine
No reason to live, no reason to die

brynn </3 - smoking to death (sadfem remix)

bladee - egobaby (sadfem's joker card flip)

whenever

memento hikikomori

iced tears (sweetened)

lyrics + vocals by @grbageman99
production + mixing + mastering + art by me

lyrics:

wind chimes and the sprinklers at 3 a.m.
i tried to redecorate my conscience
accusing any regiment
well i guess i'm really selling it

every move i make is more degrading
but they'd pay to imitate it
come judgement day there's gonna be complications

stressing me 'cause i'm where you wanna be
but how does that make any sense
it's too crowded in my head
i've seen worse and i been worth less
coming clean, i don't think ill ever accept it
thoughts so invasive they pests
still uncomfortable in my bed
wanted more, that's not what i meant

it's too crowded in my head
such a chore to get out of bed
can't rehearse the worse it get
but if i let you lead me to the lion's den
gonna let you feel a little deviant

mosquitoes buzzing through my window screen
i was right but it was instinct not prophecy
know my logic delicate
but i sell it like its dexterous
i didn't mean to be so entertaining
want the truth then complain about it
don't need a muse just distorted imagination

stressing me 'cause i'm where you wanna be
but how does that make any sense
it's too crowded in my head
say you're cursed, i think you're just bored of all of it
still sore and dangerous
i know you're leading me right into the lion's den
anticipating all the fantasies you'll feed me again

looking for me, swear i'm not where you wanna be
it doesn't need to make sense
still uncomfortable, i can't rest
got nothing to say, well you can get left

it's too crowded in my head
i've seen worse and i been worth less

i don't know if it's worth it
i've exploited all of my darkness
new phone, can't trust
'cause you swore it was all for us

pantomimes, breaking necks for my attention
tragedy or divine intervention
appreciate the sentiment
but it don't alleviate the permanence
but i appreciate the sentiment
i must be really selling it

still broken / lions den (feat. grbageman)

Video

PLZ STFU!!!

samples WataMote (Watashi ga Motenai no wa Dou Kangaetemo Omaera ga Warui! / No Matter How I Look at It, It's You Guys' Fault I'm Not Popular!) episode 12

nothing has changed

zoning out

menhera [+ Foxxy Dekay]

failing

lyrics/vocals by @7blood7slide7
produced by me

lyrics:

drowning, still gone
i'm lost, still gone
fall through, in too deep
in too deep, i can't breathe

know my place, feel my shame
know my place, can't escape
even if i wanted to
there's nowhere to run to
don't know how to deal with it
don't know how to feel
all the pain, embarrassment
never fucking heal

chances that i can't take back
even if i wanted to
scars and crosses on my back
never thought i'd feel like that

in my place, all shame
can't escape, can't relate
don't know how to deal with it
tell me what's the deal

crushing me in
crushing me slow
embarrassed to the core
tell me where to go

all the shame
embarrassment

know my place, feel my shame
know my place, can't escape
even if i wanted to
there's nowhere to run to
don't know how to deal with it
don't know how to feel
all the pain, embarrassment
never fucking heal

put me down and in my place
feel the weight i feel the shame
put me down and in my place
put me down
down down down
down down down

i feel shame
all i feel is hate
i'm embarrassed 'bout this shit
no you can't relate

embarrassment [+ BL00DSLIDE]

s my d (sadfem remix)

every mushroom cloud has a silver lining ^w^ ~ [owl city - cave in - oceanized mix]

bad (sadfem remix)

mourning the pretty part of me

delcada + brynn </3 - ascend (prod. sadfem)

lyrics/vocals by me + @chris-943209483
produced/mixed/mastered by me


lyrics:

[sadfem]
no one really wants to talk to me
i wish that my mum aborted me
i’m bored of me, helpless
agoraphobic and alone
most of my quote unquote friends abandon me
before they even hang with me
i guess they’re too busy to answer me
cause they’ve got lives of their own
i wish they’d tell me it’s not me
even if it’s not honesty
understandably they’ve forgotten me
i think i’ll die alone
give me yourself on a silver platter
or stop telling me to pretend that i matter
if i was worthy of love i would have it
i am a problem without a right answer
and i’m so above thinking that there’s a point to any of this
you’re so basic if you wanna live
so spare me your platitudes
if that’s all that you can give

[chris agony]
lonesome, fifth floor
i got nothing to live for
all the things i did for
no return, i give more
all year i've been bored
no sunshine, just rain
drowning by myself
at the bottom of this drain
i dream of better days
wishing for a better way
no guidance and my life is
going down with my rage
i'm always moving aimless
i got nowhere to go
i throw a pity party
in the comfort of my home

[sadfem]
most of my quote unquote friends abandon me
before they even hang with me
i guess they’re too busy to answer me
cause they’ve got lives of their own
i wish they’d tell me it’s not me
even if it’s not honesty
understandably they’ve forgotten me
i think i’ll die alone
give me yourself on a silver platter
or stop telling me to pretend that i matter
if i was worthy of love i would have it
i am a problem without a right answer
if i die, you will get on with your life
replace me in the blink of an eye
and i get it
there’s no need to lie

[chris agony]
i'll die alone
with no one to hold
i walk this path
all on my own
and when it gets cold
i'd like to remind you
i'm watching from afar
in the shadow behind you
rejection is a close friend
leaving me hurting
self-harm scars
got me feeling so worthless
forgotten and abandoned
when i needed a hand
my heart won't last
i'm not standing a chance

self-pity party

i lacked the will to be what you wanted
wish it could be helped that my growth was stunted
emotions no longer seem so blunted
now that you don’t miss me like you once did

now you don't miss me like you once did...

and what we used to share is tainted
still lament that my affection faded
i couldn’t place on what to blame it
and i can’t leave my bed now that i’ve made it

can't leave my bed now that i've made it...

skin hunger (what u wanted)

i know i'm just immature
yeah i know i'm just immature
i know i'm just immature
yeah i know i'm just immature

i don't think you wanna talk to me any more
you don't even think about me i'm sure
i wish i could've stopped myself clinging to how things were before
i wish there was something romantic about this but i know i'm just immature

and i'm terrified of aging
still being this way seems pathetic and weird
i feel dumb for entertaining the thought
that anyone would be endeared
to a pessimist who keeps on hoping
you'll see the beauty in me being broken
that i told myself was there as a way of coping
with the ways that i'm insecure

i know that's so immature
i know that i'm immature
i know that i'm immature
and i've always been immature

i don't think you wanna talk to me any more
you don't even think about me i'm sure
i wish i could've stopped myself clinging to how things were before
i wish there was something romantic about this but i

didn't listen to my intuition, i knew you were bad for me
you know it's my decision to write my life as a tragedy
and now it seems so clear why you stopped writing back to me
i was just surprised that it happened so gradually
feeling used but totally projecting
needed to be the one to put an end
to the situation that i always put myself in
when i think i felt something pure

i know that's so immature
i know i'm so immature
i know i'm so immature
and i'll always be immature

i don't think you wanna talk to me any more
you don't even think about me i'm sure
i wish i could've stopped myself clinging to how things were before
i wish there was something romantic about this but i know i'm just immature

yeah i know i'm just immature...

(still) immature

lyrics/vocals: me + @brynnmiche
production/mixing/mastering: me
sample: Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise

lyrics:

[sadfem]
months spent wishing you would take me back
wallow in my hell
indefinitely dwell
on love you gave me when i couldn’t give it back
i couldn’t give it back
i couldn’t love you
so you moved on and it made me sad
quit caring for myself
realised what i felt
when it was too late and you couldn’t love me back
you couldn’t love me back
i’m not enough to

[brynn </3]
never sleep, never eat
i always feel so incomplete
without you here by my side
things just never come out right
please come home, i am alone
i just want you for my own
when i have you, you'll have me
can't you see we're meant to be?
i'm not very good to myself
or to my body
this body that
you have given me
i don't take very good care of myself
and i absolutely refuse
to ever ask
anyone for help

[brynn </3 + sadfem]
never sleep, never eat
i always feel so incomplete
without you here by my side
things just never come out right
please come home, i am alone
i just want you for my own
when i have you, you'll have me
can't you see we're meant to be?
if it's meant to be
it'll come back
if it's meant to be, ooh no
it'll come back
ain't no time like now
don't live in the past
baby don't hurt yourself
tryna make good times last

unfollow ur heart

feel so apathetic…

i know you see the good in me
but sometimes it feels like a deceit
and i know deep down i'm always gonna be incomplete

so if it's self-destructive then fuck it
i'm just sick of feeling nothing
made a promise to myself but to be honest i don't trust it
wish i was less of a crab in a bucket
'cause when you're confident it makes me wanna block you
if you don't need me then i don't want you
told myself i'd change but the message never got through
used to share the pain but now i don't have the heart to

can't get back the part of me that felt your feelings
can't make a sound but my mind is screaming

i don't want what's best for you, i just want codependence
i don't wanna hurt you with the truth so i'll repress it
try to fight the ennui but i seem pretty defenceless
used to love so hard but now i feel so apathetic

i'm way too shy to ask for help
i'd sooner die than fix myself
i miss when i would think of you and it would make me melt

can't get back the part of me that felt your feelings
can't make a sound but my mind is screaming
after all these years i just feel so defeated
when i say i love you i wish i believed it

i don't want what's best for you, i just want codependence
i don't wanna hurt you with the truth so i'll repress it
try to fight the ennui but i seem pretty defenceless
used to love so hard but now i feel so apathetic

feel so apathetic…

used to love so hard but now i feel so apathetic...

apathetic (share the pain)

lyrics:


[delcada]

fall from a high place
watch how my blood flow
i been thinking of you all night

and girl it could end here
but you don't need to face fear
'cause i'll be inside
and i'ma call you anyway to say

if i die now then i can't go back
got you on my mind until i fade to black
if i leave this rooftop then we can't go back
swear to god i'll end it, end it all like that

i'm just saying you don't really know me
walk this tightrope then it's far below me
i'm just saying you don't really love me
so far gone but the drugs just numb me


[sadfem]

fallen out of good grace
what did we expect though?
i suppose it’s just as well

a shame is all it ever was
sick of doing just enough
to keep going just because
shell of a shell of a shell

of a self that i know i won’t come back
and i can’t help dwelling on the things i lack
royal screw up, see me flaunt my crown
i’m just treading water till the day i drown

i don’t think you really wanna know me
not been okay since she used to hold me
looking clean but i really wanna o.d.
i’m so down, i could never keep it lowkey
i don’t think it really gets better
tie a noose when we have to sever
another life wasted, guess it’s whatever
can’t wait until i meet forever

fall from grace (sadfem's padded room remix)

original song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXB26PzV31k
images used: https://x.com/e_kaq/status/1443754489769390083

was there ever a soul inside?

crisis complex (sadfem remix)

Slowly. Fading. Stars

Nicole Dollanganger - You're So Cool (sadfem "urs4evr♡" bootleg)

i felt like my track "always" featuring @angeldiary had untapped potential, so @delcada and i ended up recording verses between the existing vocal parts, and i remastered it. this new version is on delcada's album "ｙｏｕｔｈ＊＊み無ム".

edit: remastered yet again lol

lyrics:

[ANGEL DIARY]
where are you going tonight?
why can't i come with you?
why does it always have to be this hard for us?
why do i always cry when you're by my side?
what does it take to make this right?

[delcada]
down so long just wear me out
wear fewer masks just wear me out
just pierce it further into body
slowly fastly
just pierce it further into body
slowly slowly
whyyy

[sadfem]
i would sell my soul to go back to the way we were before
kill myself just to know that i can't cause hurt any more
i'm so sick of my emotions
always feeling that there's no-one i'm enough for

angel diary + delcada + sadfem - always ii [prod. sadfem]

lyrics/vocals/artwork by @swaggotry
additional production/vocals by @jessicahedrick

lyrics:

theres nothing like being in bed with you, n theres 
nothing like waking up next to you 
baby boy youre so damn cute, i just 
i wanna stay here in bed with you 

it's lucky that you look so cute when youre sleeping 
cos id get bored of just staring at the ceiling 
honestly i think im still kinda reeling 
i kiss your neck and pray to god im not dreaming 

still got the scratches all over my shoulders 
let me move the remote and the controllers 
so you dont get hurt when you roll over 
god i cant wait til you wake up n roll over 

youll probably wanna get up and go do stuff 
but maybe youll wanna stay in these nasty cum soaked sheets and just fuck 
like yesterday 
plans can be rescheduled anyway 

i just wanna look at your pretty face 
i just wanna lick your armpits okay 
i jus wanna sneak out alone and get you breakfast 
to have an excuse to say hey, wake up bae 

but as i go to get up, you start stirring 
and then you grab my hand and now youre purring 
you pull me under the covers i see youre learning 
im in the palm of your hand, youre so alluring 

what youre doing to me, yeah it's working 
im still tryna comprehend whats occurring 
when you turn to kiss me it's perfect 
n then you grab my cock mm youre perfect 

theres nothing like being in bed with you 
theres nothing like waking up next to you 
the morning after having sex with you 
theres nothing like getting dressed with you 

theres nothing like holding hands with you 
theres nothing like making plans with you 
theres nothing like being in bed with you

$WAGGOT - bed [prod. sadfem + jessaudrey]

lyrics/vocals/artwork by @swaggotry

lyrics:

we can talk for hours if thats what you really want 
ill drop everything if you ask me to tag along 
i never have plans so you know im probably down 
i dont need a reason im just happy youre around 

and i like to pretend i have no problems being cool 
and honestly i think most of the time that it's the truth 
but every now and then i get caught up and act a fool 
here i go again i think have a crush on you, so 

get away from me before i fall in love with you 
i have been through this enough to know exactly what i'll do 
i will keep it all inside and lock myself inside my room 
i will sit around and cry until i finally hate you 

ill go walking in the rain 
i just wanna feel okay 
i know i'm the one to blame 
and im the one who made it this way 

i hate feeling stupid like this 
i cant blame cupid i'm like this 
if i told you what the truth is you probably wouldnt like it 
so i dont know what to do but fight it 

and now youre asking if i wanna hang out 
yes a thousand times yes it's all i ever think about 
but maybe i'll decline and stay at home in bed and just pout 
i wanna tell you how i feel but i dont know if im allowed

$WAGGOT - get away from me [prod. sadfem]

immature

orbit (sadfem remix)

falinee - calcium (sadfem remix)

just wanna hide away
didn't even go outside today
i wanna die today
when i woke up i cried today
stargazing wide awake
if i had wings i'd fly away
wish i could pause the game
delete the save and just start again
i often lie awake
thinking of my great escape
no time for heartbreak
from those feelings i shy away

treated just like a toy, always playing with my heart
i'm so emotional, emotionally scarred
feel like a background character playing my part
i need some surgery, surgery on my heart

my only friend is my computer
i feel like such a loser
i'm so ugly, i'm so stupid
never learn, i need a tutor

covers

surgery [ace uzumakii + hard christ cover]

off the xans when i met you
on my knees like i pray to you
speeding on the highway with you
spent like only 3 days with you
simping like i was saving you
in the shower i'm tasting you
drove like all day to stay with you
since 14 he was breaking you
i was planning a homicide
i was planning my suicide
might livestream my suicide
nodded out, didn't drop the knife
paramedics couldn't save my life
indiana i died that night
indiana i died that night
indiana i died that night

auburn hair with your blue eyes
take me back to the springtime
cannot wait for the afterlife
til i died i felt terrified

indiana [delcada cover]

vocals by @brynnmiche
produced by me

lyrics:

baby i need you in my life, in my life
please bae don't go switching sides, switching sides
i swear this is where you reside, you reside
please bae don't go switching sides, switching sides
yeah yeah yeah
ooh
please don't throw your love away
please don't throw your love away
please don't throw your love away
oh yeah yeah yeah

i'm nauseous, i'm dying
she ripped my heart right out
can't find her, someone to
my eyes are all cried out
lost it, riots
gunfire inside my head, i've
lost it, riots
gunfire inside my head

FUCK LOVE [xxxtentacion + trippie redd cover]

cover art by braindeadloli ~ https://twitter.com/braindeadloli

Perfume - 575 (sadfem bootleg)

sosi - can i see you? (sadfem bootleg)

natural born loser who makes electronica that integrates varying amounts of ambient, wave, dnb, breakcore, bedroom pop, trip-hop, digicore, and whatever else it could be labelled, underpinned by a distinct ear for melody, melancholy, and dreamlike atmosphere.

i also offer affordable mastering! my prices:
£15/single
£45/EP
£75/album

sadfem

Pinned to spotlight

Popular tracks