original version: https://soundcloud.com/brynnmiche/i-killed-myself-in-january
original instrumental by @deadyami
lyrics:

Imma cut my hair into a bob
And then cut my bangs straight across
Then maybe I'll feel human after all
I killed myself in January
Please can you forget about me
Hollow shell, I know I lack substance

I can't look people in the eyes
I know that you're sad inside
But sometimes, it's better not to cry
My friends all call me Mary Jane
And these places always stay the same
I'm not the person that I used to be
When things we used to do
Is a reminder of me and you
I hope someday you'll be happy too
I hope someday you'll be happy too
I hope someday you'll be happy too

Imma cut my hair into a bob
And then cut my bangs straight across
Then maybe I'll feel human after all
I killed myself in January
Please can you forget about me
Hollow shell, I know I lack substance

My head always feels so cloudy
You would be better without me
One of those things that just don't work out
See my reflection in your eyes
The way your hand fits in mine
This is just another one of those goodbyes
This is just another one of those goodbyes
This is just another one of those goodbyes
I don't wanna say
I don't wanna say
I don't wanna say goodbye
I don't wanna say
I don't wanna say
I don't wanna say

Goodbye

Imma cut my hair into a bob
And then cut my bangs straight across
Then maybe I'll feel human after all
I killed myself in January
Please can you forget about me
Hollow shell, I know I lack substance
Imma cut my hair into a bob
And then cut my bangs straight across
Then maybe I'll feel human after all
Then maybe I'll feel human after all

brynn </3 - /i killed myself in january/ (sadfem remix)

where are you going tonight?
why can't i come with you?
why does it always have to be this hard for us?
why do i always cry
when you're by my side?
what does it take to make this right?

alwaves (feat. ANGEL DIARY)

They always ask me to stop smoking cigarettes
Telling me one day I'll smoke myself to death
But I'll find my place in this world without you here
But I guess I'll stick around for another year

You were never worth it (never worth it)
Begging you to stay with me
I should have known better (known better)
You would never change for me

Head in the smoke
Eyes hazy, staying low
Lost all sight of myself
Who am I now?

Why waste my time when you could have been mine?
I just wanna be everything you need
Got me fucked up in my head again
And it makes it hard to breathe
And I always keep my head in the clouds
'Cause I know I'm absolute in doubt
There’s a reason why I don’t call you back
In the end will you haunt me now?

In the end will you haunt me now?

They always ask me to stop smoking cigarettes
Telling me one day I'll smoke myself to death
But I'll find my place in this world without you here
But I guess I'll stick around for another year

I wanna be someone (somebody else)
To forget who you are
I’m a lot like you (so much like you)
But you tear me apart

Head in the smoke
Eyes hazy, staying low
Lost all sight of myself
Who am I now?

Why waste my time when you could have been mine?
I just wanna be everything you need
Got me fucked up in my head again
And it makes it hard to breathe
And I always keep my head in the clouds
'Cause I know I'm absolute in doubt
There’s a reason why I don’t call you back
In the end will you haunt me now?

In the end will you haunt me now?
In the end will you haunt me now?

I feel like I'm falling all the time
Now i feel weightless, high all the time
Ready to go now, everything's fine
No reason to live, no reason to die

brynn </3 - smoking to death (sadfem remix)

Download

bladee - egobaby (sadfem's joker card flip)

memento hikikomori

lyrics + vocals by @grbageman99
production + mixing + mastering + art by me

lyrics:

wind chimes and the sprinklers at 3 a.m.
i tried to redecorate my conscience
accusing any regiment
well i guess i'm really selling it

every move i make is more degrading
but they'd pay to imitate it
come judgement day there's gonna be complications

stressing me 'cause i'm where you wanna be
but how does that make any sense
it's too crowded in my head
i've seen worse and i been worth less
coming clean, i don't think ill ever accept it
thoughts so invasive they pests
still uncomfortable in my bed
wanted more, that's not what i meant

it's too crowded in my head
such a chore to get out of bed
can't rehearse the worse it get
but if i let you lead me to the lion's den
gonna let you feel a little deviant

mosquitoes buzzing through my window screen
i was right but it was instinct not prophecy
know my logic delicate
but i sell it like its dexterous
i didn't mean to be so entertaining
want the truth then complain about it
don't need a muse just distorted imagination

stressing me 'cause i'm where you wanna be
but how does that make any sense
it's too crowded in my head
say you're cursed, i think you're just bored of all of it
still sore and dangerous
i know you're leading me right into the lion's den
anticipating all the fantasies you'll feed me again

looking for me, swear i'm not where you wanna be
it doesn't need to make sense
still uncomfortable, i can't rest
got nothing to say, well you can get left

it's too crowded in my head
i've seen worse and i been worth less

i don't know if it's worth it
i've exploited all of my darkness
new phone, can't trust
'cause you swore it was all for us

pantomimes, breaking necks for my attention
tragedy or divine intervention
appreciate the sentiment
but it don't alleviate the permanence
but i appreciate the sentiment
i must be really selling it

still broken / lions den (feat. grbageman)

Video

PLZ STFU!!! (w/ brynn </3)

written by @gezebellegaburgably
vocals by @brynnmiche
produced by me

lyrics:

they call me a stupid idiot
mostly ugly
they'd say "you're a jackass retard fag
get away from me"
'cause they think i don't know what's going on
but i remember them
i remember everyone
i remember everyone

hello

i'm in the locker room
i feel i already lose because
you think you're so tough
and your camera's on
when my pants are off and i
think i've had enough
so now we're in gym class
and i'm always picked last and they
never bat an eye
but after a while
i started to smile because
it built too much inside

hello

death by dodgeball (w/ brynn </3) [gezebelle gaburgably cover]

zoning out

h3artcrush - s my d (sadfem's "suk my dnb" remix)

every mushroom cloud has a silver lining ^w^ ~ [owl city - cave in - oceanized mix]

Fellatia G - Rule 34 (sadfem remix)

delcada + grbageman - bad (sadfem remix)

mourning the pretty part of me

raspberry reprise

softly ringing your alarm bells in the witching hour

delcada + brynn </3 - ascend (prod. sadfem)

lyrics/vocals by me + @chris-943209483
produced/mixed/mastered by me


lyrics:

[sadfem]
no one really wants to talk to me
i wish that my mum aborted me
i’m bored of me, helpless
agoraphobic and alone
most of my quote unquote friends abandon me
before they even hang with me
i guess they’re too busy to answer me
cause they’ve got lives of their own
i wish they’d tell me it’s not me
even if it’s not honesty
understandably they’ve forgotten me
i think i’ll die alone
give me yourself on a silver platter
or stop telling me to pretend that i matter
if i was worthy of love i would have it
i am a problem without a right answer
and i’m so above thinking that there’s a point to any of this
you’re so basic if you wanna live
so spare me your platitudes
if that’s all that you can give

[chris agony]
lonesome, fifth floor
i got nothing to live for
all the things i did for
no return, i give more
all year i've been bored
no sunshine, just rain
drowning by myself
at the bottom of this drain
i dream of better days
wishing for a better way
no guidance and my life is
going down with my rage
i'm always moving aimless
i got nowhere to go
i throw a pity party
in the comfort of my home

[sadfem]
most of my quote unquote friends abandon me
before they even hang with me
i guess they’re too busy to answer me
cause they’ve got lives of their own
i wish they’d tell me it’s not me
even if it’s not honesty
understandably they’ve forgotten me
i think i’ll die alone
give me yourself on a silver platter
or stop telling me to pretend that i matter
if i was worthy of love i would have it
i am a problem without a right answer
if i die, you will get on with your life
replace me in the blink of an eye
and i get it
there’s no need to lie

[chris agony]
i'll die alone
with no one to hold
i walk this path
all on my own
and when it gets cold
i'd like to remind you
i'm watching from afar
in the shadow behind you
rejection is a close friend
leaving me hurting
self-harm scars
got me feeling so worthless
forgotten and abandoned
when i needed a hand
my heart won't last
i'm not standing a chance

self-pity party [+ chris agony]

i lacked the will to be what you wanted
wish it could be helped that my growth was stunted
emotions no longer seem so blunted
now that you don’t miss me like you once did

now you don't miss me like you once did...

and what we used to share is tainted
still lament that my affection faded
i couldn’t place on what to blame it
and i can’t leave my bed now that i’ve made it

can't leave my bed now that i've made it...

skin hunger (what u wanted)

i don’t want your love baby i just want your charity
give me all of you and i’ll give you all of my apathy
should i prioritise dignity or transparency?
my mouth was too weak to bite down on what you handed me
wish you’d answer me as fast as you used to
guess that’s what i get for how i used you
love her already? well fuck, i thought i knew you
but it’s cool, misery business as usual

you’re not mine, it’s just fine, i don’t mind
i guess emotions just couldn’t be in the right place at the time
no really, it’s fine
i swear i only think about you like 99% of the time

i don’t go outside much
it feels like my time’s up
i don’t really cry much
emotionally out of touch
starved of the physical
can’t believe the spiritual
just need a miracle
to help me make my mind up
i don’t think i’ll die but
i do in all my daydreams
i know i’m a whiner
but can you really blame me
and can you please save me
before i make you hate me
almost as much as i

you’re not mine, it’s just fine, i don’t mind
i guess emotions just couldn’t be in place at the right time
no really, it’s fine
i swear i only think about you like 99% of the time

you were my calling from the heavens above
i’m sorry sorry could never be enough
last time you said you loved me what did you mean?
who knew the other side could be so green...

rly, it's fine

awake, prepare to eat to sustain
clean up the mess you made
leave the house for its own sake
entertain yourself and fake until you make
until you break and try to fix yourself again
so things continue the same
when today is yesterday
when you’re tired from the weight
go to sleep and then awake
prepare to eat to sustain
clean up the mess you made
leave the house for its own sake
entertain yourself and fake until you make
until you break and try to fix yourself again
so things continue the same
when today is yesterday
when you’re tired from the weight
go to sleep and then awake

hey, keep it up
it’s not like your own body will let you stop
you’re just enough
everyone wants you to stick around
until you’re further broken down
so watch yourself die inside
it’s alright, you might be revived
so just stay grateful for your life
and watch yourself die inside
again and again…
it is what it is…

awake, prepare to eat to sustain
clean up the mess you made
leave the house for its own sake
entertain yourself and fake until you make
until you break and try to fix yourself again
so things continue the same
when today is yesterday
when you’re tired from the weight
go to sleep and then awake...

just enough [+ heartshapedbed]

it pulls me under the currents
when i try to swim away
i been waiting here too many moments
that i let just fade away

and i miss you and i want you and i need you
and you’re so close and i could never fear you
and you’re so far and i could never heal you
could never heal you, could never fear you

i wish that i could change
i wish that i could fly
you see all that’s inside
it poisons my insides
flows inside my veins
and it keeps me up at night

i want you like so bad so come back
i’ll die here if i can see you in the end
these parasites infest me and my mind
i try to stay calm but i just cry
i try to calm down but i just can’t
and i want you, yeah i want you like so bad
sipping bleach now, it’s inside me and i love that
and i want you, yeah i want you like so bad

like currents [delcada cover]

i don’t want to starve myself
but i don’t have an appetite lately
you worry for my health
but it’s okay, you couldn’t save me
i don’t see my ideation
as a flaw and you can’t make me
therapy is just reflection
i’m not sure if it can change me

get so apathetic when i get what i need, yeah
it’s so hard to tell what’s a bug and a feature
who could ever love me for my reality as
they see me lose the strength to repress my weakness

they move along and i’m left alone
still afraid to leave my home
i can stay calm about it so
no alarms or surprises though
i wish that things were different
i lack the drive to ever overcome my indecision
never given reason to have hope

but if i had it, who would i be
without misery for company
how am i to feel like me
without the only emotion i truly know

ideation

i know i'm just immature
yeah i know i'm just immature
i know i'm just immature
yeah i know i'm just immature

i don't think you wanna talk to me any more
you don't even think about me i'm sure
i wish i could've stopped myself clinging to how things were before
i wish there was something romantic about this but i know i'm just immature

and i'm terrified of aging
still being this way seems pathetic and weird
i feel dumb for entertaining the thought
that anyone would be endeared
to a pessimist who keeps on hoping
you'll see the beauty in me being broken
that i told myself was there as a way of coping
with the ways that i'm insecure

i know that's so immature
i know that i'm immature
i know that i'm immature
and i've always been immature

i don't think you wanna talk to me any more
you don't even think about me i'm sure
i wish i could've stopped myself clinging to how things were before
i wish there was something romantic about this but i

didn't listen to my intuition, i knew you were bad for me
you know it's my decision to write my life as a tragedy
and now it seems so clear why you stopped writing back to me
i was just surprised that it happened so gradually
feeling used but totally projecting
needed to be the one to put an end
to the situation that i always put myself in
when i think i felt something pure

i know that's so immature
i know i'm so immature
i know i'm so immature
and i'll always be immature

i don't think you wanna talk to me any more
you don't even think about me i'm sure
i wish i could've stopped myself clinging to how things were before
i wish there was something romantic about this but i know i'm just immature

yeah i know i'm just immature...

(still) immature

are you looking for your home? you know you won't find it here.

abriction - Perfect Symmetry (sadfem remix)

lyrics/vocals: me + @brynnmiche
production/mixing/mastering: me
sample: Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise

lyrics:

[sadfem]
months spent wishing you would take me back
wallow in my hell
indefinitely dwell
on love you gave me when i couldn’t give it back
i couldn’t give it back
i couldn’t love you
so you moved on and it made me sad
quit caring for myself
realised what i felt
when it was too late and you couldn’t love me back
you couldn’t love me back
i’m not enough to

[brynn </3]
never sleep, never eat
i always feel so incomplete
without you here by my side
things just never come out right
please come home, i am alone
i just want you for my own
when i have you, you'll have me
can't you see we're meant to be?
i'm not very good to myself
or to my body
this body that
you have given me
i don't take very good care of myself
and i absolutely refuse
to ever ask
anyone for help

[brynn </3 + sadfem]
never sleep, never eat
i always feel so incomplete
without you here by my side
things just never come out right
please come home, i am alone
i just want you for my own
when i have you, you'll have me
can't you see we're meant to be?
if it's meant to be
it'll come back
if it's meant to be, ooh no
it'll come back
ain't no time like now
don't live in the past
baby don't hurt yourself
tryna make good times last

unfollow ur heart [+ brynn </3]

we went from each other’s respite from life
to each other’s intrusive thoughts
so easy to think of all the ways that i
could’ve better spent the time i bought
and showed the love i couldn’t even tell was really there
till all-consuming absence of reciprocation laid it bare
if only i had known how much i’d miss what seemed mundane
maybe i’d have kept you and my ignorance remained

my body’s a neglected empty home
where my ghost can’t clear the cobwebs or mute the drone
my bed may as well be an open grave
for the self neither of us could save
and i crave something that’s dead and rotten
decomposed but cannot be forgotten
i often wish i could say the same
for the corporeal being that bears my name

i’m still not quite sure
what happiness feels like
i only know that i was never closer
to learning than when i
was with you and deluded that it could last
but now that too is in the past
and as much as we wanted to have faith
i think we both knew i wouldn’t change
and now i can’t wash these scars off my arms
or my heart off of my sleeve
or you out of my mind or myself out of life
know i’d cause more hurt if i leave

empty home [+ albert k]

feel so apathetic…

i know you see the good in me
but sometimes it feels like a deceit
and i know deep down i'm always gonna be incomplete

so if it's self-destructive then fuck it
i'm just sick of feeling nothing
made a promise to myself but to be honest i don't trust it
wish i was less of a crab in a bucket
'cause when you're confident it makes me wanna block you
if you don't need me then i don't want you
told myself i'd change but the message never got through
used to share the pain but now i don't have the heart to

can't get back the part of me that felt your feelings
can't make a sound but my mind is screaming

i don't want what's best for you, i just want codependence
i don't wanna hurt you with the truth so i'll repress it
try to fight the ennui but i seem pretty defenceless
used to love so hard but now i feel so apathetic

i'm way too shy to ask for help
i'd sooner die than fix myself
i miss when i would think of you and it would make me melt

can't get back the part of me that felt your feelings
can't make a sound but my mind is screaming
after all these years i just feel so defeated
when i say i love you i wish i believed it

i don't want what's best for you, i just want codependence
i don't wanna hurt you with the truth so i'll repress it
try to fight the ennui but i seem pretty defenceless
used to love so hard but now i feel so apathetic

feel so apathetic…

used to love so hard but now i feel so apathetic...

apathetic (share the pain)

Nicole Dollanganger - You're So Cool (sadfem "urs4evr♡" bootleg)

i felt like my track "always" featuring @angeldiary had untapped potential, so @delcada and i ended up recording verses between the existing vocal parts, and i remastered it. this new version is on delcada's album "ｙｏｕｔｈ＊＊み無ム".

edit: remastered yet again lol

lyrics:

[ANGEL DIARY]
where are you going tonight?
why can't i come with you?
why does it always have to be this hard for us?
why do i always cry when you're by my side?
what does it take to make this right?

[delcada]
down so long just wear me out
wear fewer masks just wear me out
just pierce it further into body
slowly fastly
just pierce it further into body
slowly slowly
whyyy

[sadfem]
i would sell my soul to go back to the way we were before
kill myself just to know that i can't cause hurt any more
i'm so sick of my emotions
always feeling that there's no-one i'm enough for

angel diary + delcada + sadfem - always ii [prod. sadfem]

lyrics/vocals/artwork by @swaggotry
additional production/vocals by @jessicahedrick

lyrics:

theres nothing like being in bed with you, n theres 
nothing like waking up next to you 
baby boy youre so damn cute, i just 
i wanna stay here in bed with you 

it's lucky that you look so cute when youre sleeping 
cos id get bored of just staring at the ceiling 
honestly i think im still kinda reeling 
i kiss your neck and pray to god im not dreaming 

still got the scratches all over my shoulders 
let me move the remote and the controllers 
so you dont get hurt when you roll over 
god i cant wait til you wake up n roll over 

youll probably wanna get up and go do stuff 
but maybe youll wanna stay in these nasty cum soaked sheets and just fuck 
like yesterday 
plans can be rescheduled anyway 

i just wanna look at your pretty face 
i just wanna lick your armpits okay 
i jus wanna sneak out alone and get you breakfast 
to have an excuse to say hey, wake up bae 

but as i go to get up, you start stirring 
and then you grab my hand and now youre purring 
you pull me under the covers i see youre learning 
im in the palm of your hand, youre so alluring 

what youre doing to me, yeah it's working 
im still tryna comprehend whats occurring 
when you turn to kiss me it's perfect 
n then you grab my cock mm youre perfect 

theres nothing like being in bed with you 
theres nothing like waking up next to you 
the morning after having sex with you 
theres nothing like getting dressed with you 

theres nothing like holding hands with you 
theres nothing like making plans with you 
theres nothing like being in bed with you

$WAGGOT - bed (prod. sadfem + jessaudrey)

grbageman + delcada - psalms [prod. sadfem + delcada]

im not evn tlkn back
dimmin lights 2 draw the path
unknown faces in the ceilingg
yd u think u cld decieve em

cuz the gaze dnt ward the owls
eyez evrywhere candy sour
OK thn tell me wat u thinkn
i cnt feel it n ur heavinggg

n the flies strt eating at ur hands
sparrows singing saddddd
swine strt diggin at ur mess
sparrows singing sad i cnt watch all tht

watch i force em 2repent
highest heaven theres none left
peel the flesh right off the bone
swarmn round the western coast

ur rite on timeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
how wz ur lil trance? superstitions slept
sparrows sing rite back

grbageman - flies eating ur hands [prod. sadfem + delcada]

u wna dance let go
sway slow
under the last sun watch the waves unfold
convinced tht theres better things
so i lean back
bt frm below
hiding in the shadows of the trees

thts not something i shld kno
laid out in the pink sky overflow
i shld kno man i shld kno
pay no mind jus redose


how u wnt me 2 let go
theres no other way out
lovd the loss of all control but
i think its better now
grinnin w a proud new shift in power
let me out let me out
sacrifice trns evry hour
kno u expected me 2 sing
palms up dwn the isle
any move tht doesnt plz
any maker on ur trial

does the sun stretch out 4 miles?
i shld kno
pay no mind got no hope

grbageman - sunset [prod. sadfem + delcada]

Spatial Manufacture Ltd. + $WAGGOT + KOKAYNA - orbit (sadfem remix)

falinee - calcium (sadfem remix)

off the xans when i met you
on my knees like i pray to you
speeding on the highway with you
spent like only 3 days with you
simping like i was saving you
in the shower i'm tasting you
drove like all day to stay with you
since 14 he was breaking you
i was planning a homicide
i was planning my suicide
might livestream my suicide
nodded out, didn't drop the knife
paramedics couldn't save my life
indiana i died that night
indiana i died that night
indiana i died that night

auburn hair with your blue eyes
take me back to the springtime
cannot wait for the afterlife
til i died i felt terrified

covers

indiana [delcada cover]

sosi - can i see you? (sadfem bootleg)

natural born loser who makes electronica that integrates varying amounts of ambient, wave, dnb, breakcore, bedroom pop, trip-hop, digicore, and whatever else it could be labelled, underpinned by a distinct ear for melody, melancholy, and dreamlike atmosphere.

i also offer affordable mixing/mastering! my prices:
£15/single
£45/EP
£75/album

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