It’s always getting colder in my head
don’t you recognize?
The thread pulling from both sides
until it falls apart
I’m always in my head
don’t you recognize
the fever in my eyes?
I am shooting daggers

had a happy life
figured out
but the middle of the forest
is the one that I am calling from
(I haven’t left the wilderness yet)
hungry for the truth
couldn’t stomach it
I must excuse myself from the feast
I cannot seem to keep it down
(you have to let yourself rest)

the weather never changes 
quite enough to warm me up
and all does is change

I’ve given up
I guess it should be expected
from a collection of bad habits
still, I can’t believe it happened
(I thought you were standing guard)
I’ve given up
maybe  I got distracted
disappointing, but it happens
still, I can’t believe it happened
I thought you were standing guard

I’m trying not to feign 
sincerity
but it’s a conversation I have am not
equipped to handle
(come inside, you’re soaking wet)
I’m terrified if I dry off
I’ll keep persisting
are you telling me there’s no such thing as closure?
(you have to learn, it doesn’t exist)

Given Up

did the social thing
and asked about your whereabouts
mutuals shrug shoulders shake their heads
when I saw you last there was a haze around the truth
you don’t know about me
let me prove it to you

circumstances dictate
bare my soul and swallow whole
you wouldn’t recognize me like this
in tender viscera
have you seen the back of my throat?
I can show you now, 
I can show you now,
why don’t you get in there?
I will shut my mouth 

I was stepping out on the misery
given time to commiserate i will find
the common line
the difference between my life
and every part of the animal

found a highschool mixtape
of the songs I used to play
full of demo covers of songs that I hate
broke it over my knee, threw it in the fireplace
who needs sentimental shit like this?
It will die with me,  
I will bury it

every part of the animal

You would always search for being loved
I wondered what that was about
If you could keep your distance from me
I think that that’s what I would do
If I were you which clearly I am not
If I were you which clearly I am not
I’d keep my distance from me
We can reverse our previous history 
You know

You have such a penchant for leaving out
All the details of the war
And I could be kinder to you
If I thought that’s what you deserved
If I were you I would be ready with the sword
If I were you which clearly I am not
I’d keep my distance from me
Don’t you know that this is scrawled in our histories?

I was found hiding out in
Hallowed ground you shoulda left me there
Had I known you were sacred
I would not 
Let you be tainted

You would never overlook the message
In the bottle on the shore
I suspect there’s something in there
That I don’t want you to read
If I were you I would be careful with the words
If I were you which clearly I am not
I’d keep my distance from me
The knowledge comes with volatility
You know

You can play the medic and tend to my wounds
We’ll let the fever pass
And I can ball my love into a fist and see if that hurts more
If I were you I think I’d learn to throw a punch
If I were you which clearly I am not
I’d keep my distance from me
Though I could use the company

I was found hiding out in
Hallowed ground you shoulda left me there
Had I known you were sacred
I would not 
Let you be tainted

I get carried away by the thought of old age
Wondering if I’d trade wisdom for a handful of days
If I get elevated further than I deserve to be raised
I’m dragging you with me, you can stand in my place

Distance From Me

War Is Coming

You Didn't Love A Disease

Join in!
Revelation now
Hierophant in tow
I offer up a sacrifice
Of all the words I know
You know the truth is it only feels
Like knowledge gets revealed
Keep it secret they still think 
We’re more than animals.

I am different than I have been
You shouldn’t treat my presence lightly
There are

Beasts
Waiting for me
I clean between their teeth
We preserve a legacy
None of us will live to see
Beasts
Waiting for me
I clean between their teeth
You can feign your agency
But I dare you to move your feet.

I’ve got a 
Favored set of facts
I am stocking up
Take a few if you 
Aren't convinced enough
You know the wait was long but
I’m a patient man
I carved the days into your palm you can
Feel the grooves to keep in touch
They’re in the throng 

Did you pick this place on purpose?
Did you think that I deserve this?
There are

Beasts
Waiting for me
I clean between their teeth
We preserve a legacy
None of us will live to see
Beasts
Waiting for me
I clean between their teeth
You can feign your agency
But I dare you to move your feet.

There’s so little that we can do
So I dare you to do
Anything.

Hierophant

Paragraph after paragraph
You can speak them all
Until your breath is gone
There’s a surfeit of surfaces that you
Can write my name on
Motive lost
Fingers crossed
There’s a pit that you were
Tossed into 
You told them the truth
You think you owe them
But you were just a 
Lesser god
And you got caught

I thought I was taught
To be sinister and innocent all at once
Take what all you’ve got
To escape with and leave no remainder
Better be estranged in a stranger’s world
Than to be caught unexpected on your toes
I thought I was taught to be sinister and innocent

Bombs were tossed
In what was lost
I expected to find scraps of you
Scurrying to somewhere dark and warm
I was hoping you would learn from me
You were suffering
For the light you seek so
I told them a lie
I do not owe them my time
I wouldn’t pay a debt
To a filthy pest

I know that it’s unfair to you but
No one’s keeping score
Aging gracefully
Painterly
They don’t know they own you
They don’t know they owe you

Sinister & Innocent

I was penitent
Ignorant
Digging up through the trenches
Buying time for cheap
And wholly devouring it

I was savoring
The water squeezed
From the wood that was
Encasing me 
Pulling at shackles
Hoping they would bend
Until

I’m free (the terror never lessens)
I’m free (it’s a shame, it’s not your shame)
I’m free (once I pick your bones clean)
I’m free (everyone starts moving)
Everyone starts moving

It was violent
Unthinking force
A tragedy that has been rehearsed
There is so little to resort to
When it comes time to resort

It was shelter from the rain at first
It was the stone that keeps my innards cold
Dismembered into parts
Cartilage, hope, meat, sinew, and bone

I’m free (the terror never lessens)
I’m free (it’s a shame, it’s not your shame)
I’m free (once I pick your bones clean)
I’m free (everyone starts moving)
Everyone starts moving

Everyone Starts Moving

I’m an evergreen
wear-out-your-welcome type
this self destructive shit
was cool for a second, right?

Or at least it served it function
heavy hands to carry the bludgeon.
that’s something.

The songs will continue
until morale improves
there is nothing constructive
left to do
I meander and falter and fall apart
trying to get to exactly where you are
that’s art. 

I hope you understand by now
we don’t use that word in this house
I swear to god I won’t raise a son
with a song in his heart. 
I’m so done. 

don’t say that part
you’ll embarrass yourself
caring for thinking
more than your health. Oh well.

Capital A, Hard T

Blistering heat
made the words too sticky on my tongue
the world is pointing out its blistered thumbs
hitchhiking back where it belongs
my tired feet
an overcooked image in a song
the world is pointing out it can’t be long
until the people who write them are done

But it was raining
and the bullshit that you’re selling
I don’t know if you believe it
but you sold it to me well
there’s a strain of the truth
that if you don’t put it to use
you’ll recount the saddest fragments
like the corners of a puzzle
that you’ve solved

let me sit down
the sun has knocked me fully to the ground
poisoned me in place where you have found
me begging in the smallest piece of shade
I miss the sound
of boots crunching the snow outside your house
albedo off the ice reflects the photons 
off the earth   and back around

but it was raining
and the truth that I am telling
has been regurgitated fondly
like a sparrow to its youth
there’s the essence of a place
that if you let go to waste
you’ll be wandering through the forest
looking for desire paths you
swear you saw

but who could ever want to be
so consistently polite?
Who could ever trade
the darkness of a comfortable 
warm and humid night
for so much light?

but it was raining
and the line that you’ve been toeing
will wash away as what you’ve know
becomes fully dissolved
there’s an extract from a life
that I tried to live twice
you know you don’t owe your mistakes
a chance to try and cut you down
a second time

a second time

Albedo

I’m armed to the teeth
mercy to the ones who once had nice things to say about me
this conquest isn’t about you
buck up, kid, it’s just business

I extend my pity
to anyone who invested in me
time to pull up the sheet and cover the body
of compliments no longer applicable 

I had a hero once
I cut myself up just to get where he was
now I don’t know where that is, recently
I haven’t looked into it

If there’s forgiveness machines
I’m not plugged into them
If I was so smart, well then I would’ve given
a fair price to give
looking back the past doesn’t rhyme
with too much of anything
so I’ll take anything else

I’m picking my teeth
fat from the feast of the egg on my face that I’ve been forced to eat
this gluttony honestly suits me
feeling my size for once

the wall writing’s for me
signed by the newly-impatient overly welcoming 
time to exit gracefully
why is that always what I’m singing about?

I had a fever once
it broke before I could explain what I’d done
now I don’t know what I said, recently
I can’t bear to look into it 

and if there’s thorns in my paw 
I suppose that makes sense
If my recollections really were 
the lion’s share of events
I would be such a victim of happenstance 
I’ll take anything else

Androcles

"this is a fun handshake you can do with your best friend" available on soundcloud now, elsewhere soon.

Capital A, Hard T

sadloaf

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