It seems
like the building I am living in is crumbling
I am no good with repairs
it might have been like this when I moved in
these days the doors won’t stay shut
I have surrendered my privacy
I did not expect staying here
to offer up a challenge for me


Not me
not me
as clever as I claim to be
not me
not me
burned by artificial heat


I swear if that’s your only grievance
you need to leave me the fuck alone
I was indifferent before this
and I will go back to that
mark my words 

It seems
like now’s as good as any of a time to announce it
I am going down with the ship
and I am not sad about it
you can have whatever you want
I don’t want to leave anything in the garbage
mostly the thing I was wondering was
who would even care enough to bother?

Not me
not me
hands are washed  they’re fully clean
not me
not me
a little less than a human being
 
go mad and mark

You Need To Leave Me The Fuck Alone

I’ll use my
my even hands
to get a grip
on the circumstances

so if it’s something
tragic i’ll know

and i’ll be the first

I’ll dig my
my early grave
to get a grip
on what I can save

and if it’s nothing much
I’ll know

and I’ll be the first

and if the horizon
is locked in
I would need to know

so I can be the first

Be The First

I’m a consummate worrier
the old, discarded thoughts that linger
piled up in the corner when they should be in the garbage
should be proof enough.
If not I’ve got some synapses on standby
to prove that it’s too much

please think I’m clever
I wanna waste your times with whatevers
 

I’ve been champing at the bit
to be so serious
even when I know it’s not good for me
and I can feel inadequate
with each experience
while the meaning just passes straight through me

wondering
if anything
wants to make itself clear

the things I fear I fear I’ll never fear

hard to believe
that a heart on a sleeve
can be worth anything
after what its seen

I’m a consummate warrior
the bloody fingertips belie a warpath I’ve been on since I
found validation through an endless fight
An entropic fist smashed against some retrofitted images
the sepia that seeps in any crag where it can fit
and violently removes the truth that you were getting used to
so now you have to settle on a 

“hey remember when?”
but a cosmos without end
can only pretend 
to be your friend.

First Of All, It's "Champing" at the Bit. Horses Champ.

I think
your enthusiasm passed
the skill that I might have
to make sense of this gibberish
you’re teaching me

My mind
only has so much room
and you’ve falsely assumed
that the real estate is 
still around

Even looking at the words you gave me
makes me forget all the cool chord shapes I’ve learned

 и я не могу играть
you are actively making me forget
я не могу играть
you are actively making me forget

good luck
to everyone, I’m lost
and I don’t know what it means
I only learned how to make the sounds

один
солдат against
the fluent speakers that
smile politely and clap more than they should

drinking квас and answering questions
no, I don’t intend to look up what I said 

 и я не могу играть
you are actively making me forget
я не могу играть
you are actively making me forget

please show compassion 
cut out my tongue
пожалуйста
пожалуйста
пожалуйста

Пожалуйста

I get the roughest sleep
I always wake up tired
Haunted by darkened dreams
Where I’m pursued and then pulled down then picked apart
I’ve got an awful brain
Barely keeps me alive
It’s ruined half a life
I don’t even mean mine
 
I never even tried to care
I never tried to care
I never tried to care
The thought was never there

and if you think I was
honestly going to 
sacrifice anything
I’m sorry to disappoint
IF you ever entertained
the thought that I would face
any hardship on purpose
you were mistaken


and If I’ve got the losing hand I think I’m gonna play it
cause there isn’t anything to do except for play the game
and if the world is weighing on my shoulders I will drop it
so please just do your best to try and get out of the way

and if the world is spinning fast enough that it might toss us
at least then it would bring a faster ending to the year
why am I so terrified of peaceful non-existence
if the truth is that both you and I were never really here?

you might find it funny
what I consider merciful
I’ll tie one hand behind my back
before beating myself up
and it’s a shame I’m such a pity
because if I wasn’t so self-loathing
I might get myself together enough
to work on something beautiful

AWFUL BRAIN

There is plenty to consume
a toxic pond with floral blooms
but long as I can see the sun
I can get along with anyone

my temper makes scary friend
I’d rather get the best of him
but if I’m waiting for him to turn his back
I’m wasting time that I don’t have

an insect, dismembered
appendage by appendage 
how long did you think
I would make it
stumbling around on no legs?

toss and turn about it
or just go without it
but if you want solace
I wouldn’t think about it

I think that I’m getting wise
feels like I’m gonna die
but now I’m telling all the kids
fill me in, I don’t get it

never was a hypocrite
the thought of lying makes me sick
but now I’m eating everything I’ve said
dig in, it’s delicious

I only give concessions to the weak-
er parts of me
that refuse to speak, the meek
will inherit the low expectations, I’m sure
of a casually pathetic future

toss and turn about it
or just go without it
but if you want solace
I wouldn’t think about it
and for all your worry
you won’t be rewarded
so if you want solace
just don’t think about it.

GETTING WISE.

You can find me at the bottom of the barrel
You can find me in the dog ear of a page
You can find me close to quitting 
And I will happily admit it
You can find me in the digits of my age




You can find me where the oak has turned to dead wood
You can find me where the salt gets in your throat
You can find me staring fondly
At a world that doesn't want me
You can find me in the hymns I never wrote


You can find me where the footing is uneven
You can find me where the soil has been dug up
You can find me cruelly chiding 
The song that is inside me
You can find me where my heart is not enough


You can find me in the timbre of the evenings 
You can find me in the dredgs left in the cup
You can find me at the summit
Though I never really loved it 
You can find me where the days are getting rough 


You can find me on the road without direction 
You can find me in the middle of a map
You can find me defending
A definitive ending
You can find me submitting to the trap
That holds me steadfast where I'm at.

I Dont Want To Die With A Song Still Inside

I remember
not exactly crowded rooms
I remember
clapping when I wasn’t supposed to
and you were young
and I was young
but you are still young

I am going to try to 
hide this from you
I am going to try to 
hide 

I remember
always trying to shed my skin
I remember
you asking me to play it again
and you were young
and I was young
but you are still young

I am going to try to 
hide this from you
I am going to try to 
hide 

I remember
telling you what would kill us
I remembered
it always felt hypothetical 
and you were young
and I was young
but you are still young

You Are Still Young

Sick of the truth
I put it to use, now
I’m driving through the storm
Drained of my youth
it’s no excuse, now 
everyone’s moving on

I want to fall 
into sequence like
matryoshka dolls 
too late for me
perpetually ignoring my own
sensibility

Mastered the art of
telling apart the
artist and confidant 
Religiously
devoted to be one of 
 many moving parts

I need to prove
the route of every thought process to you
carelessly unkind
the way you learned to expect me
over time

Matryoshka Dolls

ok, here’s how it works
the words come first
and the meaning after
emotion only after you felt
the shaking in your knees
ok, I’m mystified
by other side of something 
that I never liked
lightning struck
where lightning prefers to strike

the formative years are over
it’s only performative years
from here

errant thoughts
that I want lost
maybe it’s ok 
to never know the plot

ok, here’s how I thought it worked
the life comes first
and the narrative after
autobiographies with a
definitive end
ok, I’m terrified
I’m sure I missed things 
I won’t even recognize
I need to know that they
weren’t worth my time

so cheers to the death of the author
it’s all stories told from here

I forgot
how much I hated 
what I was taught

Performative Years

You know, I said that I’d mislead you
that doesn’t mean that I’m not sorry
I made out a mountain from a mountain
I’m never tired of being lonely


I count the days like they’re made for me
I count the truth like it can help
hasn’t anybody ever
kept it to themselves?

If I was wrong in this endeavor
it’s my responsibility only
and if you see me in the distance
I’m never tired of being lonely

I know I’m far beyond the foothills
and the forest soon will own me
if you give up searching I won’t blame you
I’m never tired of being lonely

I’ve got this reflex that I’ve hated
knowing about it doesn’t help
I can’t be appreciated
can’t you keep that to yourself?

You know, I said that I’d mislead you
that doesn’t mean that I’m not sorry
I made out a mountain from a mountain
I’m never tired of being lonely

I'm never tired of being lonely

I will eat away the chance
at mitigating happenstance
I will weigh you down.
I will bear the consequence
of ever-mounting evidence
I will weigh you down

endless suffering, I swear
a straight line between here and nowhere

down

I’ll eliminate the cause
and leave only   what is lost
I will weigh you down
I’ll leave you to suspect
this is line with my intellect
I will weigh you down

there’s a burden left to bare
to grin and take the weight away from here

down

no need to remind me
the worst I can do is to seem
no need to remind me
the worst I can do is to see

down

Down Down Down Pt 2

Mythmade
insects in the distance
paying for the benefit
of seeing something mystic
wings like helicopter blades
the prey don’t have to learn
to be afraid

swan song images
quotidian
life of swimming 
eating grass and bugs and 
eventually getting picked off
unremarkable days
no human can relay
instinct over love
instinct over everything

your gut is yours
your heart is yours
your temperament is yours
your eyes are black
your mouth is yours
your wings are yours
your fur is yours
your halo’s black

I’ve been attuned
to point directions home for you
a magnet in my forehead
please don’t make me use it
I’ve heard it said
there’s more alive right now than dead
but we’ve got billions of years
to contend with

maybe once we get there
our instincts to live will give up

my face is yours
my tail is yours
my story’s yours
my teeth are black
my seething’s yours
my tracks are yours
my mirror’s yours
my pages are black

Black Halo

Taking the distance
away from horizons
flattened before you
making as little mention
of my own resistance 
always to progress

It is going stale
more sinister interests will prevail
my head will spin the synonyms
together
until it’s all small talk
work, the news, the weather. 

Feeling not hope

Do you see what I’m dealing with
engine noise from every thing that’s interested
can’t-sleep ambient noise
pillow against the window against the highway

feeling not hope

Work, The News, The Weather

I failed to mention
I was given
the right tools to work
generous time I
squandered to mind
a patch of unliving dirt
figured it out
so now it’s about
grieving and letting go
so many turns taken
after the first
if only you could have known. 

I would want
you eagerly moving on
but I know
nobody heals that much.
And I know
everyone disregards
final wishes because
that’s what they are for.   

I failed to mention
the wind resistance
that keeps me from hitting earth
nutrient rich
from what it has taken
turning deeper brown
can’t go without
self hatred and doubt
it lingers on my tongue
for all of my bile
I’ll linger awhile
to see the damage done. 

Give me credit
it took so much work
not to get it.

Wind Resistance

i’m waiting for the evening
to poke holes in the ceiling
maybe with fresh air
I’ll pinpoint the meaning
the meaning’s corrupted
the hope I showed up with
got pissed away early
I swallowed a stopwatch
to keep time from slipping
away from the present
the more I get desperate
the louder it ticks
I played tricks on my allies
I coddled my foes and
god only knows
why I do what I do

pardon the fool that’s patient with me
pardon the fool that’s patient with me

they say don’t fall in love
with the first thing you see
don’t know who they say it to
they couldn’t mean me
my roots are thirsty and
my stomach is strong
and if I anchor here
I can never get lost
put stock in the simple
demand at least one 
of the smallest of seats 
at the table to speak
I say “i think it’s important”
they assure me it’s not
and honestly if they’re right
well, then that’s a load off

pardon the fool that’s patient with me
pardon the fool that’s patient with me

if I went panning for gold
how could I keep my hands clean (x2)

well the traffic is pointing 
away from this town
and if I let you down 
well I won’t be the first
stack collateral damage
on top of the plans
that contained quite a lot 
of destruction themselves
it’s a tactical failure
to fail to present
a positive presence
to the people you need
I mean the people you meet
I mean the ones you call friends
I mean the ones who give shelter
until you take off again

pardon the fool that’s patient with me
pardon the fool that’s patient with me

Panning For Gold

I must be the loser in some ancient war
every newest struggle I’ve never seen before             
there must be someone pulling strings that
wants to settle scores
I must be the loser in some ancient war

I must be the loser in some ancient war
I apologize for wearing whatever uniform I wore
I’m sure that someone told me
what I was fighting for
I must be the loser in some ancient war

it would bring me peace
to know why they are coming after me

I must be the loser in some ancient war
otherwise there’s nothing for me to suffer for
and that would mean it’s only me
whose mercy I implore
no, I must be the loser in some ancient war

I must be the loser in some ancient war
shackled to the future and what it has in store
what’s worse than forgetting
who I was before?
I must be the loser in some ancient war

please let me be
the one who wants the most to pay penance is me

I must be the loser in some ancient war
punished for my actions before history hit record
the guilt I’ve carried with me was always
too much to ignore
I must be the loser in some ancient war

I must be the loser in some ancient war
I’ve got white flags and flashbacks and tracks on foreign shores
I must be in the loser in some ancient war

I Must Be A Loser In Some Ancient War

Blistering heat
made the words too sticky on my tongue
the world is pointing out its blistered thumbs
hitchhiking back where it belongs
my tired feet
an overcooked image in a song
the world is pointing out it can’t be long
until the people who write them are done

But it was raining
and the bullshit that you’re selling
I don’t know if you believe it
but you sold it to me well
there’s a strain of the truth
that if you don’t put it to use
you’ll recount the saddest fragments
like the corners of a puzzle
that you’ve solved

let me sit down
the sun has knocked me fully to the ground
poisoned me in place where you have found
me begging in the smallest piece of shade
I miss the sound
of boots crunching the snow outside your house
albedo off the ice reflects the photons 
off the earth   and back around

but it was raining
and the truth that I am telling
has been regurgitated fondly
like a sparrow to its youth
there’s the essence of a place
that if you let go to waste
you’ll be wandering through the forest
looking for desire paths you
swear you saw

but who could ever want to be
so consistently polite?
Who could ever trade
the darkness of a comfortable 
warm and humid night
for so much light?

but it was raining
and the line that you’ve been toeing
will wash away as what you’ve know
becomes fully dissolved
there’s an extract from a life
that I tried to live twice
you know you don’t owe your mistakes
a chance to try and cut you down
a second time

a second time

Albedo

I apologize
for how chronically underslept
I seem perpetually in every meeting
twin vines reaching towards the ceiling
twin eyes catching errant meanings

long enough to 
file away
incendiary hunger pangs
honestly
I was just about to try
this eager lie

I disguise
my inept tries to cover up
how much contempt I have
for the likes of you
twin lies, heading for the door
twin tries to excise your bloated corpse

long enough to
waste away
the desperate make
their desperate plays
honestly
I was just about to try
this eager lie

Eager Lie

I pulled a muscle yesterday
It’s not worth asking me to change
Recalcitrant
I hate to be the bearer of
my news.  

Suddenly
this feels like a warning
about everything
my nails dug in have made me
cowardly
a scar etched in the side
of a sedentary life

but I was born to hold
this suffering down
until it dies with me

Hydrophobic membranes
it’s not worth remembering the names
of the medicines
they change with every company 
that I keep

suddenly
the depth of the water
frightens me
a cosmic change has made me 
cowardly
i’m embarrassed for myself
a penny pitched in the well

but I was born to hold
this suffering down
until it dies with me

made all mistakes in the name of progress
still soggy from the rain but I’m coming in I guess
sopping wet

but I was born to hold
this suffering down
until it dies with me

Hydrophobic Molecules

Finally! Finally! Finally!
Some semblance of peace!
akin to a coin in a jar
at the last place you worked that you hated
and I didn’t understand
how to just simply mourn and
so I tried to fix all your problems
and you scowled at me and you rolled back over

assigned to be yours
a train in a yard
a trespassing sign
an unfamiliar dog
whose teeth have a familiar bite

but you know a reprobate like me
I am always clawing at the door
always trying to guilt you into
letting me free but I don’t know where I’ll go

hastily hastily hastily
fingernails sick with soil
Where you were a minute ago
where the sun set and it flashed green for just a second
and I didn’t understand
why the future didn’t work for me
so I tried to move heaven and earth
and the sound woke you up and you rolled back over

resignedly yours
a plot on the sun
a grave to be tilled
a lingering pestilence
that I was never comfortable with

But you know a reprobate like me
I am always crawling through the window
always trying to guilt you into
letting me free but I don’t know where I will go
but you know that it’s my greatest sin
getting out and always wanting in again
always trying to guilt you into
letting me free but I don’t know where I will go

Unfamiliar Dog

I’m armed to the teeth
mercy to the ones who once had nice things to say about me
this conquest isn’t about you
buck up, kid, it’s just business

I extend my pity
to anyone who invested in me
time to pull up the sheet and cover the body
of compliments no longer applicable 

I had a hero once
I cut myself up just to get where he was
now I don’t know where that is, recently
I haven’t looked into it

If there’s forgiveness machines
I’m not plugged into them
If I was so smart, well then I would’ve given
a fair price to give
looking back the past doesn’t rhyme
with too much of anything
so I’ll take anything else

I’m picking my teeth
fat from the feast of the egg on my face that I’ve been forced to eat
this gluttony honestly suits me
feeling my size for once

the wall writing’s for me
signed by the newly-impatient overly welcoming 
time to exit gracefully
why is that always what I’m singing about?

I had a fever once
it broke before I could explain what I’d done
now I don’t know what I said, recently
I can’t bear to look into it 

and if there’s thorns in my paw 
I suppose that makes sense
If my recollections really were 
the lion’s share of events
I would be such a victim of happenstance 
I’ll take anything else

Androcles

Pick a side
of this demarcated line
I’m too fucking tired
to try and push you over
It’s alright
we already tried
every honor system
from every moral tract

Facing facts and taking back
are different things entirely
I’m pretending my actions are worth defending
so pay no mind

Hair nor hide
of a cogent smile
driven up the wall by necessity
I belied
synapses never fired
and meanings never come to 
unconsciousness undo 

keeping track of life rafts
wasn’t my responsibility
I’m pretending my actions are worth defending
so pay no mind
I’m pretending my actions are worth defending
you’re free to roll your eyes

you’re begging me to wait
in the mouth of a cave
a fire and a sign
to lead the other way
you’re begging me to wait
impatient and estranged
a fire and a sign
to lead the other way
you’re begging me to wait
a chain around my waist
a fire and a sign
to lead the other way
you’re begging me to 
a menace to the state
a fire and a sign
to lead the other way

Unconsciousness Undo

Clear the way for me to speak
I will start once every head has turned
I was made for give and take
now the taking has returned

I don’t think I prepared you properly
good luck, everyone!

Take the debt on your shoulders
no relief, there is something 
wrong, the flesh that adheres you to the ideal
a subtle changing of hands

mothwings in a storm
I’ve interminably worn you down
the last remaining animal
torches to reform
the ice that has grown to seal the door
I haven’t tried in years to get it open

a bad confession
the lesson wasn’t learned
and now I only burned
my hands

Curl your lips at the corners
I admit there is nothing
more to it than the stuttering
slow reluctance, the silent clapping of hands
 
wrap your fist around the concept
it won’t fit, you are better off
hedging bets, get the comfort
squeeze the happiness out, of your chest
there’s hope somewhere in there I bet

I’m not one to place a demon
when it could’ve found a better home

Good Luck, Everyone!

It’s just mince meat
full of painful
memories
all preventable 
I was grateful
to be little more
than the ambulance
that you paid for

even now i’m counting blessings
the high road long evaded my notice and

don’t you think happiness gives
more excuses 
to be torn limb from limb
in an accident

It’s tradition
in the old ways
we pay respects
to fruitful days
in the wrong way
in the truest sense
I was giving up
on your dinner plans

even now I’m ascribing blame
to the guilty party, I don’t know his name

don’t you think happiness gives
more excuses 
to be torn limb from limb
in an accident 

feast or famine
I am always feeling hungry
drought or rainstorm
I am reaping what I’m sewing 

even now I’m imagining the future
a petulant child who never got it together

don’t you think happiness gives
more excuses 
to be torn limb from limb
in an accident

Ambulance

Carved to size
atomized and scrutinized
we were only kids
when we made plans
remember when
we didn’t even know
what consequentialism meant yet

it’s an unoriginal idea
to believe the end is just ahead of us
it’s an unoriginal idea
to believe we can protect our cells from ourselves long enough 

hatred found
resting on a furrowed brow
I wasn’t aware
that it would stick
all I had
was music that wasn’t written yet
but the muse never slept
it couldn’t, could it? 

it’s an unoriginal idea
to believe the past is just ahead of us
it’s an unoriginal idea
to believe we can protect our cells from ourselves long enough 

it’s an unoriginal idea
to pretend the future’s just ahead of us
it’s an unoriginal idea
to believe we can protect ourselves at all
it’s an unoriginal idea
to believe the end is just ahead of us
it’s an unoriginal idea
to believe we can protect our cells from ourselves long enough

Unoriginal Idea

Eyesores

I swear I’m one cut throat
from controlling this whole operation
an unelected sovereign of
an empire of consolations
I pass scruntiny with
plausible deniability and ice packs
relax I’ve got it under control
doesn’t it seem like that? 

Now finally it seems
that intangible anythings
are prone to disease
you’ve got to wash your hands around me
now finally it seems
self-described cowards are meeting reckonings
so won’t you please wash your hands of me?
C’mon I think you’d do it gracefully

don’t make me go along with this
my personal pedestal collapsed 
and now I’m standing on flat ground
just trying to get my point across
I had a decent view
over-top the heads of all of you
the air will always be cleaner
up where the rabble isn’t breathing

Now finally it seems
that intangible anythings
are prone to disease
you’ve got to wash your hands around me
now finally it seems
social lepers are requesting their own effigies
so won’t you please wash your hands of me?
Goddamn, I think you’d do it gracefully

say hello to the dotted line
a fiction held to the chest while it dies
say hello to the dotted line
and soot and ink and blood and marrow
say hello to the dotted line
smudge the signature while it dries
say hello to the dotted line
and flesh and blood and hair and plastic

Say Hello To The Dotted Line

sustained retaliative action
I don’t get what is asked of me
i’m passed the point of knowing
a fog of war
it’s not even worth 
checking who is keeping score

gunned down by “unlucky accidents”
but I knew what it meant

I thought it would be bittersweet
but instead it’s just getting stale to me

we all know you know what you are doing
passive-agression doesn’t work like that
you are not contributing
all the better for us all
if you stick to the trenches
keep your head down, kid

went down in a hail of compliments
that I knew weren’t meant

I thought it would be bittersweet
but instead it’s just getting stale to me

what is it all for
if not casualties of war?

I thought it would be bittersweet
but instead it’s just getting stale to me
I thought there would be inner peace
but instead, it’s just looking back at me
I thought there would be inner peace
but instead, I’m just looking back at me

Bittersweet

I sent fire
I shouldn’t leave you wanting
a burning or a haunting
they both go hand in hand
nice and easy
wary of the other sides of doors 
I’m wondering who you are
Remembering who you were

take for granted
all the easy introspection
take for granted
none of this had to happen
none of this had to happen

don’t congratulate me yet
this beast is formidable i’d admit 
but it remains to be whether the
bearings are ground down, besides
it can’t carry us all out
it can’t carry us all out
on its own

take for granted
all the easy introspection
take for granted
no, none of this had to happen
none of this had to happen

but it’s what happens now
it’s what happens now
condensation wiped across your brow
because we are the ones who get to piece together how
isn’t it a blessing?

take for granted
all the easy introspection
take for granted
no, none of this had to happen
none of this had to happen

Isn't It A Blessing?

"this is a fun handshake you can do with your best friend" available on soundcloud now, elsewhere soon.

sadloaf

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