I hope 
it’s not insensitive
to want to be done with this
it has me by my throat
I really oughta go
but I’m drawn
to the middle of
the superstition so
bleed the circle closed

make it address me by a name
that I wouldn’t give myself

it pulses because it loves us
bear witness to it
full-throated spirit
it pulses because it loves us
this is the end of the time
of our lives

it was fine, it was fine
the door darkened briefly
I was wondering if you would notice it
there was time, so much time
extending past the limits of our sight
the stone melts while we admire it
and what better way to
end unpleasant days
than to pull the curtain back and show you
how little remains to be seen?

It Pulses Because It Loves Us

Tourniquette

I don’t mean to be a bore
but I am inside of your walls
and your house is such an eyesore
I always dread crawling in
and it occurs to me now
that you don’t want me to be here

And I don’t want to be cruel
but i’m turning into you

and you are making me a mouthful 
and I feel the terror grip you
as it grips me too
and we both go under and

now is time you see
the wooden parts of me
get your axe ready

to fall 
as I fell I saw a hole in the earth where I was
keep steady now
you’ll get more desperate with each swing
but rest assured I am coming down
you’ll make me into something useful
I am sure of it

I don’t mean to freak you out
but there’s a bug on your shoulder
god forbid I get to listen to you speak
can I say for the record
I find your conversations lacking
as if you’d ever speak to me 

and I don’t mean to be cruel
but I know that you do
and you do a standup job of it
but we’ll see who is who
when you feel the terror grip you
and I don’t let go of it

now it’s time to part
with a portions of your heart
don’t be surprised if you start

to fall
there’s a crater in the earth where you were
keep steady now
you'll get more desperate with each plunge
but rest assured you’re coming down
i’ll make you into something useful
if you make me into something

make me into something (useful)

You would always search for being loved
I wondered what that was about
If you could keep your distance from me
I think that that’s what I would do
If I were you which clearly I am not
If I were you which clearly I am not
I’d keep my distance from me
We can reverse our previous history 
You know

You have such a penchant for leaving out
All the details of the war
And I could be kinder to you
If I thought that’s what you deserved
If I were you I would be ready with the sword
If I were you which clearly I am not
I’d keep my distance from me
Don’t you know that this is scrawled in our histories?

I was found hiding out in
Hallowed ground you shoulda left me there
Had I known you were sacred
I would not 
Let you be tainted

You would never overlook the message
In the bottle on the shore
I suspect there’s something in there
That I don’t want you to read
If I were you I would be careful with the words
If I were you which clearly I am not
I’d keep my distance from me
The knowledge comes with volatility
You know

You can play the medic and tend to my wounds
We’ll let the fever pass
And I can ball my love into a fist and see if that hurts more
If I were you I think I’d learn to throw a punch
If I were you which clearly I am not
I’d keep my distance from me
Though I could use the company

I was found hiding out in
Hallowed ground you shoulda left me there
Had I known you were sacred
I would not 
Let you be tainted

I get carried away by the thought of old age
Wondering if I’d trade wisdom for a handful of days
If I get elevated further than I deserve to be raised
I’m dragging you with me, you can stand in my place

Distance From Me

outpost
peeled away
barren of worth
we’re taunting in your direction
find us
delegate a hunting party
waste away listening for me

separate the hair from the hide
and hide 

I have closed
brighter eyes than yours
I have better things to do
than wonder who you are
cut it close
or I will cut it off
let me put this in your ear:
you’re the one who’s being watched
I’m the one who keeps the pulse

goodbye
terraformed
angular stone
eat and become sedentary
outlast 
delegate a hunting party
compromise but never with me

separate the jaws from the beast
 at least

I have closed
brighter eyes than yours
I have better things to do
than wonder who you are
cut it close
or I will cut it off
let me put this in your ear:
you’re the one who’s being watched
I’m the one who keeps the pulse

welcome home
spectre at the door
I have better things to do
than wonder who you are
 cut it close
or I will cut it off
let me put this in your ear: 
you’re the one who’s being watched
I’m the one who keeps the pulse

delegate a hunting party

restless enough to rattle my bones apart
the blast radius of collapsing potential 
drawn out of sequence and then put together as art
a fragment of a fragment that you can hold onto

but don’t expect my sympathy
to run dry where it should
you’ll never run aground
that devil in the distance
could use some defending

scrawled into my ribs
was a message
I never did decipher it
don’t ask me what it means
i’m still processing
i’m a vintage machine

sunlight-sent signal to body to waken up
finger along the edge of my mug with my coffee
passed through a paper to filter the solid parts out
and then thrown in the compost to rot with the other mornings

but don’t expect my energy
to maintain where it should
my eyes are heavy now
the dreams I have mentioned 
could use my attention

printed on my skull
were instructions
I never did decipher them
don’t ask me what it means
i’m still processing
i’m a vintage machine

vintage machine

it starts innocent enough
euphemistic synonyms
my advice: it’s time to toughen up
but now 
there’s admission of some guilt
and a weakness of the will
that finds you prostrate at my door

wish you had somewhere to hide that I could find

I wasted many anxious years
peering between the blinds for you
but the changing of the guards couldn’t come quickly enough
sleeping shift or albatross
I don’t remember what I was
Before this form got in the way
what I say? Clocks are ticking us down, cover is getting sparse
return  fire now

I know the middle of it all
is such a tempting time
to propose calling it off
but now
that the blood is on my hands
the Calvary demands
 a swift finishing blow

Albatross

true love will find you in the end
or at least the end will find you
and you might fall in love with that
fine-tuned images of youth
will follow you to hell and back
fueled by good intention

I hear you weeping in your bed
pipe down, we could all use the rest
tomorrow is ruthless

 and who’s fault is that?
Who let the wind steal their whisper?
who’s fault is that?
When the time, I wonder who faltered

magnanimous
has never described me less
I know that it isn’t healthy to hold on
bad analysis 
you can’t be serious
how am I supposed to work with kids’ gloves on
these hairy palms

I see the hatred in your eyes
keep them closed lest they keep me up at night
tomorrow is a fight

 and who’s fault is that?
Who wrote the wrong directions on the map?
who’s fault is that?
Who forgot which way the river’s running?

sometimes
revenge is just a lie, “just lead a decent life”
but I don’t the advisers taking their advice
try harder
clench your fist and turn your hips
you’ll land a decent punch
in time to leave your mark

"""true love"""

Unearthed pages
of epigraphs to leave on
legacies to look back
fondly before moving on
coming up short
it really wasn’t that bad
I made a good run at it
I was proud sometimes (I didn’t look like it)

thunder warned me off
before the wind could erode

half-ideas
I scrawled so I wouldn’t forget
you held them like a gem in your hands
I was embarrassed, I got over it
week after week
if I were smart I would rest
I stay awake for this
I’m afraid of what I’d miss

the lightning warmed me up
i’m on my feet, it’s time to go

any time you felt something
I pulsed because I loved you
warning shots across the bow
I pulsed because I loved you
when you made something out of me
I pulsed because I loved you
when you were careful with my light
I pulsed because I loved you
I pulsed because I loved you

I Pulsed Because I Loved You

You can find me at the bottom of the barrel
You can find me in the dog ear of a page
You can find me close to quitting 
And I will happily admit it
You can find me in the digits of my age




You can find me where the oak has turned to dead wood
You can find me where the salt gets in your throat
You can find me staring fondly
At a world that doesn't want me
You can find me in the hymns I never wrote


You can find me where the footing is uneven
You can find me where the soil has been dug up
You can find me cruelly chiding 
The song that is inside me
You can find me where my heart is not enough


You can find me in the timbre of the evenings 
You can find me in the dredgs left in the cup
You can find me at the summit
Though I never really loved it 
You can find me where the days are getting rough 


You can find me on the road without direction 
You can find me in the middle of a map
You can find me defending
A definitive ending
You can find me submitting to the trap
That holds me steadfast where I'm at.

I Dont Want To Die With A Song Still Inside

Blistering heat
made the words too sticky on my tongue
the world is pointing out its blistered thumbs
hitchhiking back where it belongs
my tired feet
an overcooked image in a song
the world is pointing out it can’t be long
until the people who write them are done

But it was raining
and the bullshit that you’re selling
I don’t know if you believe it
but you sold it to me well
there’s a strain of the truth
that if you don’t put it to use
you’ll recount the saddest fragments
like the corners of a puzzle
that you’ve solved

let me sit down
the sun has knocked me fully to the ground
poisoned me in place where you have found
me begging in the smallest piece of shade
I miss the sound
of boots crunching the snow outside your house
albedo off the ice reflects the photons 
off the earth   and back around

but it was raining
and the truth that I am telling
has been regurgitated fondly
like a sparrow to its youth
there’s the essence of a place
that if you let go to waste
you’ll be wandering through the forest
looking for desire paths you
swear you saw

but who could ever want to be
so consistently polite?
Who could ever trade
the darkness of a comfortable 
warm and humid night
for so much light?

but it was raining
and the line that you’ve been toeing
will wash away as what you’ve know
becomes fully dissolved
there’s an extract from a life
that I tried to live twice
you know you don’t owe your mistakes
a chance to try and cut you down
a second time

a second time

Albedo

"this is a fun handshake you can do with your best friend" available on soundcloud now, elsewhere soon.

I Dont Want To Die With A Song Still Inside

sadloaf

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