It seems
like the building I am living in is crumbling
I am no good with repairs
it might have been like this when I moved in
these days the doors won’t stay shut
I have surrendered my privacy
I did not expect staying here
to offer up a challenge for me


Not me
not me
as clever as I claim to be
not me
not me
burned by artificial heat


I swear if that’s your only grievance
you need to leave me the fuck alone
I was indifferent before this
and I will go back to that
mark my words 

It seems
like now’s as good as any of a time to announce it
I am going down with the ship
and I am not sad about it
you can have whatever you want
I don’t want to leave anything in the garbage
mostly the thing I was wondering was
who would even care enough to bother?

Not me
not me
hands are washed  they’re fully clean
not me
not me
a little less than a human being
 
go mad and mark

You Need To Leave Me The Fuck Alone

I WOULD TRY ANYTHING
TO HASTEN THE CLIPPING OF YOUR WINGS

TERRIBLE TO DISGUISE MY GRACE
MADNESS IN THE MIDDLE DISTANCE
ELEGANT REPRISE IN THE DIRTIEST FACE
MADNESS IN THE MIDDLE DISTANCE
I’M HERE NOW

FAMILIAR WITH THE SWORD
FAMILIAR WITH THE SWORD

I AM READY TO DENY
ASSIGNATION OF ANY TYPE
I AM THE RUPTURED LUNG
I CORRUPTED EVERY TONGUE
I AM FOUND LOOSE IN DIRT
SEPARATED BIRTH FROM BIRTH
AND SPEECH FROM SPEECH
SO SPEAK TO ME

I SPUN A HATEFUL ORBIT IN MY CELL
A CACKLE IN A TALE TO TELL TO TELL THE TALE TO TAKE THE FALL TO HELL AND WAIT FOR SOIL TO SING AND SWORDS TO BRING THE FALL
FOR ANYTHING AT ALL
CLIPPING WINGS AND USELESS THINGS
RATTLE AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR CAGE
AND BEG FOR FEED

MADNESS IN THE MIDDLE DISTANCE

I’ve had a nosebleed every day since you died
and I don’t think that it means anything. 
Pathetic in a way I have criticized others for
feeling guilty for laughing or not laughing
or worrying or not worrying
for resting or working
rushing to write things down
time is so corrosive now
I’m starting to forget the way things worked
it was all too simple
the muscle memory
atrophies away
and there’s a day where I am happy but I don’t think of your face


I wish it was uncertain but it’s not
Billions of years

I have had a nosebleed every day since you died
and I know it doesn’t mean anything.
Casually endangering myself
not looking before crossing the road
as cosmic protest to a cosmology I don’t accept
call it “soft suicide”
but i’m scared that I’ll never die
or that I’ll die tomorrow
and nothing in-between
it just feels so useless
to progress
knowing slates are wiping clean
and even if I see the future
I won’t know what it means.

I have had a nosebleed every day since you died

tell me

You begged me 
take it to the grave
and I held my tongue
but I can not relate
I hope you resolve it
before it dissolves you

whom among us here  is being honest?
Whom among us here is being honest?
Because I can give you what you want
but you, you had better want it.

Did they found you cowering?
What a coward you must be then
you will never find me shivering
I’m wrapped wrapped in fur like a heathen
on cold night it pays
to be a beast

wrapped in fur like a heathen

Unearthed pages
of epigraphs to leave on
legacies to look back
fondly before moving on
coming up short
it really wasn’t that bad
I made a good run at it
I was proud sometimes (I didn’t look like it)

thunder warned me off
before the wind could erode

half-ideas
I scrawled so I wouldn’t forget
you held them like a gem in your hands
I was embarrassed, I got over it
week after week
if I were smart I would rest
I stay awake for this
I’m afraid of what I’d miss

the lightning warmed me up
i’m on my feet, it’s time to go

any time you felt something
I pulsed because I loved you
warning shots across the bow
I pulsed because I loved you
when you made something out of me
I pulsed because I loved you
when you were careful with my light
I pulsed because I loved you
I pulsed because I loved you

I Pulsed Because I Loved You

War Is Coming

I made a name
In the intervening years
Took care of some things
And started to forget
The songs that I wrote
I must have stood by cause
I scrawled them in my blood 
And we’re still catching up
And the size of my heart
That is caught in my throat
Didn’t shrink like i thought it would 

Kerosene keeps me warm

Kerosene keeps me warm
I’ll burn until it’s gone
The years cascade I’m overfull
The runoff is lapping at your door
Eulogized and atomized you
For the sake of song
Kerosene keeps me warm
I think I’ll hold out  until the storm is gone
Then i’ll be out for more

You should see what I am writing about now

The endless thrum
Has just begun
In the mountains
That i met you in

The walls closing in
Are a part of my skin
It’s been a while since i
Embarked into the wilderness  

I was Bitter i thought
For a justified cause
Because  taste in my mouth
Never sweetened enough
And the shift in perspective
That i thought wouldn’t come
Didn’t hurt like i thought it would


 

Kerosene keeps me warm
I’ll burn until it’s gone
The scars are healed a decade in
I couldn’t see the future then
An eternity of knowing me
Feels just a little long
Kerosene keeps me warm
And to burn it all down
By this point feels wrong

Kerosene Pt. 4

Paragraph after paragraph
You can speak them all
Until your breath is gone
There’s a surfeit of surfaces that you
Can write my name on
Motive lost
Fingers crossed
There’s a pit that you were
Tossed into 
You told them the truth
You think you owe them
But you were just a 
Lesser god
And you got caught

I thought I was taught
To be sinister and innocent all at once
Take what all you’ve got
To escape with and leave no remainder
Better be estranged in a stranger’s world
Than to be caught unexpected on your toes
I thought I was taught to be sinister and innocent

Bombs were tossed
In what was lost
I expected to find scraps of you
Scurrying to somewhere dark and warm
I was hoping you would learn from me
You were suffering
For the light you seek so
I told them a lie
I do not owe them my time
I wouldn’t pay a debt
To a filthy pest

I know that it’s unfair to you but
No one’s keeping score
Aging gracefully
Painterly
They don’t know they own you
They don’t know they owe you

Sinister & Innocent

You Are Compromised

Finally! Finally! Finally!
Some semblance of peace!
akin to a coin in a jar
at the last place you worked that you hated
and I didn’t understand
how to just simply mourn and
so I tried to fix all your problems
and you scowled at me and you rolled back over

assigned to be yours
a train in a yard
a trespassing sign
an unfamiliar dog
whose teeth have a familiar bite

but you know a reprobate like me
I am always clawing at the door
always trying to guilt you into
letting me free but I don’t know where I’ll go

hastily hastily hastily
fingernails sick with soil
Where you were a minute ago
where the sun set and it flashed green for just a second
and I didn’t understand
why the future didn’t work for me
so I tried to move heaven and earth
and the sound woke you up and you rolled back over

resignedly yours
a plot on the sun
a grave to be tilled
a lingering pestilence
that I was never comfortable with

But you know a reprobate like me
I am always crawling through the window
always trying to guilt you into
letting me free but I don’t know where I will go
but you know that it’s my greatest sin
getting out and always wanting in again
always trying to guilt you into
letting me free but I don’t know where I will go

Unfamiliar Dog

"this is a fun handshake you can do with your best friend" available on soundcloud now, elsewhere soon.

Unfamiliar Dog

sadloaf

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felixcosm

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