I was hoping you could give me

a medal for my bravery

the words are getting old

I am learning to build bridges

to address the distance

feet without a home



and if I have to taste the blood under my tongue

I will swallow it for as long

as it takes to pass



and I it means I’ll find a morsel of redress

I will struggle with regret

as long as it will hold

What if we were both lost and I was never found

And you were

Tasked with breaking news and letting down?



I am missing you

Are so much worse, a cenotaph, a barfight in a church

a relief to remedy

but hey it’s never as bad as it seems

the ocean will abate eventually

they cast their nets out graciously

come here.



And I I had to make an educated guess

no one got a decent rest

and no one’s going home tonight

and If I weren’t so preoccupied with this

I’d seek the safety of my nest   but

I

want

to

find

you

whole

or

parts

hahahahaha



What if we were both lost and I was never found

And you were

Tasked with breaking news and letting down?

Cenotaph

did the social thing
and asked about your whereabouts
mutuals shrug shoulders shake their heads
when I saw you last there was a haze around the truth
you don’t know about me
let me prove it to you

circumstances dictate
bare my soul and swallow whole
you wouldn’t recognize me like this
in tender viscera
have you seen the back of my throat?
I can show you now, 
I can show you now,
why don’t you get in there?
I will shut my mouth 

I was stepping out on the misery
given time to commiserate i will find
the common line
the difference between my life
and every part of the animal

found a highschool mixtape
of the songs I used to play
full of demo covers of songs that I hate
broke it over my knee, threw it in the fireplace
who needs sentimental shit like this?
It will die with me,  
I will bury it

every part of the animal

Unearthed pages
of epigraphs to leave on
legacies to look back
fondly before moving on
coming up short
it really wasn’t that bad
I made a good run at it
I was proud sometimes (I didn’t look like it)

thunder warned me off
before the wind could erode

half-ideas
I scrawled so I wouldn’t forget
you held them like a gem in your hands
I was embarrassed, I got over it
week after week
if I were smart I would rest
I stay awake for this
I’m afraid of what I’d miss

the lightning warmed me up
i’m on my feet, it’s time to go

any time you felt something
I pulsed because I loved you
warning shots across the bow
I pulsed because I loved you
when you made something out of me
I pulsed because I loved you
when you were careful with my light
I pulsed because I loved you
I pulsed because I loved you

I Pulsed Because I Loved You

I am always reading 2 books at once
Trying to figure out If i forgot
Something written down
That was important

I forgot that special thing
That I told to you in confidence
Several things I’ve said in public
I’m expected to remember
 
 I’m important
Underlined, narrativized
Shoveled out 
Once a week or sometimes faster
In-between feels like I haven’t 
Half-life to artistic objects 
A hundred songs, a book of matches 
It doesn’t matter
Moments after when
I’m expected to remember

I am always reading 2 books at once
Sometimes the subjects blend together
I’m reading one that makes me hopeful
Which one it is
I can’t remember

I dreamed that I was on stage
And asked to name a single thing
I ever wrote and while I fumbled
I watched the audience get restless

For the most part I agree
Cause there’s a pitch to everything
There’s a hole I chuck things into but
I’m expected to do better

Knowing my way around a language 
Never quite amounts to payments
That I owe, I might be late
But I’m expected to remember

Reading 2 Books At 1nce

A deep breath
I’m plunging in
The paint before
My image sets 
They’re dogging pages
In my honor
Before I’ve even left

A nauseous twitch
I’m obvious
Attentive to my
Base instincts
I’m dodging punches
That were sent
Before the air’s displaced

How septic it was
Lingered on my tongue
I didn’t tell anyone
The lion's share of knowledge
Got stuck in my paw
I didn’t pull it out

Car stuck in the yard
Tearing up the lawn
I turned to slinging mud
To get the hours done
How septic it was
Lingered on my tongue
But please
You can’t tell anyone 

A regret
It’s come to this
How rude i’ve lost
A dinner guest
The town’s closed down
Like it always did
There’s nowhere i can rest

A cosmic shift
I’m over it
The pageantry of
Innocence
The stockade’s full
I lament before
My head is put in there


How septic it was
Tainted my blood
I hid from everyone
The lion’s share of knowledge
Is lodged in my paw
The wound is sore, could you pull it out
Car stuck in the yard
Tearing up the lawn
I turned to slinging mud
To get the damage done
How septic it was
Lingered on my tongue
It is now your duty
You can’t tell anyone

Androcles (Pt. 2)

It’s new
The pieces I detached to bring to you
And I may slouch as I get used
To moving in this way
I tried
To separate the muscle from the hide
And what is left, my very best
Impression of my life

I’m going to lie down

My life
Bundled up in parts and auctioned off
And trying to be grateful for the price
You think I’m worth
For now
The walls around my heart are coming down
Exposing the bare wires that spark
To cough the ideas out

I’m going to lie down

A month
I tried to live deliberately and failed
Frustrated, I continued to persist
The person that I was
Take note
The well is dry, I hope I filled you up
And what you got was nourishing enough
I’ll still be around, but

I’m going to lie down

I'm Going To Lie Down

2 - 34 High Tribunal Fanfare

Rating: Teen and Up
Summary: The world had failed to end over a year ago, and Heaven and Hell hadn't so much as looked sideways at them since the kidnapping. As they had taken six thousand years to plan the apocalypse, and their first move against Crowley and Aziraphale had failed so miserably, the duo had assumed they had more than a little bit of time to relax before they had to start watching their backs again. Crowley had moved his flat into the upstairs of the bookshop – quite literally, much to Aziraphale's dismay to find one afternoon – and life had continued on exactly the way it shouldn't have: happily.
Unfortunately, the ever after part proves trickier after only a year.
Original Text:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/20320441/chapters/48177760#workskin
Music:  Serious Business by Patrick Hawes

In All Things, Balance

In All Things, Balance 2

Crowley didn't look up immediately when he heard the shop door open; he was just in the middle of finishing off a complicated bouquet, and the blasted ribbon was being difficult about things.

"Just a sec," he said, scowling as the end slipped away from him again.

There was a pause. And then a voice, softly, "There you are."

Pray for Us, Icarus

Flowers for Anthony - Part 1 Pray For Us, Icarus

AU. Aziraphale should have known better. From the very start, he should have known better. But he just keeps making the same mistakes, and it isn't only him who has to pay for them.

Sequel to "Flowers for Anthony" and "Who Pluck'd Thee From Thy Stalk", multi-chapter, Aziraphale POV on what's been going on.

Like A Sunless Garden - Part 3 Pray For Us, Icarus

I must be the loser in some ancient war
every newest struggle I’ve never seen before             
there must be someone pulling strings that
wants to settle scores
I must be the loser in some ancient war

I must be the loser in some ancient war
I apologize for wearing whatever uniform I wore
I’m sure that someone told me
what I was fighting for
I must be the loser in some ancient war

it would bring me peace
to know why they are coming after me

I must be the loser in some ancient war
otherwise there’s nothing for me to suffer for
and that would mean it’s only me
whose mercy I implore
no, I must be the loser in some ancient war

I must be the loser in some ancient war
shackled to the future and what it has in store
what’s worse than forgetting
who I was before?
I must be the loser in some ancient war

please let me be
the one who wants the most to pay penance is me

I must be the loser in some ancient war
punished for my actions before history hit record
the guilt I’ve carried with me was always
too much to ignore
I must be the loser in some ancient war

I must be the loser in some ancient war
I’ve got white flags and flashbacks and tracks on foreign shores
I must be in the loser in some ancient war

I Must Be A Loser In Some Ancient War

"this is a fun handshake you can do with your best friend" available on soundcloud now, elsewhere soon.

I Must Be A Loser In Some Ancient War

sadloaf

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