written/produced/mixed & mastered by me
and so begins the bitter wind
cutting up my brittle hands and heavy heaving hearts will stop again
ive made a name to call me by and see it with your own two eyes i don't think that 
your love was ever here
and now im in a darker place where light has no room to escape and hearts will glow to create something safe
a dream of sorts you're on the porch and talking to the moon and he says "every little thing will be okay"

and you will wonder why it's not
and while your heart begins to rot 
all the love you had for me will dissipate
and all the branches in the yard growing fungus going far things will start to finally create a face

dissipate

produced/mixed/mastered by me
i can't listen to you again
it makes me miss all of my friends
the ones who wish that i were dead
these memories won't leave my head
and the cotton candy cigarettes
the smoke detected killer threat
the knots too tight to break a sweat 
around my neck or better yet

tied around a willow tree
the blossoms cover everything
can you hear the song i sing
the ground gets closer to my feet
i crave a bittersweet release
something warmer something free
and then i hear the crackling
and so the earth my body meets

below the tree where i will rest 
im turning blue my eyes are red
the little ones are tucked in bed
and you still yell as if they're deaf
they're crying for you father dear
you said you'd always be right here
the heroin inside the drawer
the days go on you crave it more

one more shot
and you'll be fine
wish that you could read my mind
stars above they hear my cry
please don't let them die (die die)
mothers gone i watched her fly
away from us she lied lied lied
rub my head say it's alright
ill try my best to make things right

father sister brother cry
as they look in your lifeless eyes
without your love what will i do
The heaven song will play for you

heaven song

allostatic load - fail better, heal faster

lyrics:
And at long last the time has come
To watch the water watch it run
Away from us back to the sea
But we won’t ever see a thing
Cos it moves faster than u think
Can u picture skating rinks
And sliding at the speed of light
Just like we did that summer night,
Do u recall just what u said to me
Do u realize what it means
Maybe not but that’s okay
I might have to go away
cos I can’t take much more pain
am I getting in the way
i’m distraught and now my thoughts are eating away at my brain

And could u see
the look inside my eyes the moment you got out and stared right back at me
How could it be
My stomach starts to cramp when ur around and start to speak, am I a freak
I hope it’s me
That you can’t help but notice when you’re walking down the street, I hope it’s me
But could it ever be
Well I don’t really know but do I wanna know or just keep wondering

I wrote ur name big in the dirt
And collapsed because something hurt
But I don’t know just what it was
It took my breath it took the sun 
Out of my eyes for just a sec
And scared me shitless so I checked 
to Make sure I still had a pulse and it was slow, oh that was close
And u ran over just to check on me
And u kissed me on the cheek 
But now it’s been a couple months
And u have disappeared for what
Maybe im too daft to see
maybe ur in front of me
Maybe I should stop looking, maybe I should stop looking

And could u see
That for u I’d tag along, just for you I would do anything
How could it be
did u find somebody else already, find somebody much better than me
Wish I was free
So I could move along already, I know you’ve been hiding just from me
But could it ever be
The thought that haunts my brain so often, the reason I would give u all of me

and could you see (demo)

lyrics:
i forgot already
why you told me i should go
but i remember being drunk and asking u to use ur phone
must have made myself look dumb
cos all i talked about was how i started rolling joints last night
and that i couldn't wait to go to california
and i'd ask u if you'd been and what's it like
up in the mountains, and i'll add i've lived in texas most my life
and you would roll ur eyes but i would ponder off and never notice you were mad
and you call me saying shit that sounds like this

what's it like in phoenix
do u miss me 
are u scared
how's the weather over there
do u still play cyberpunk 
sorry that's a stupid question 
i just don't know what to say 
2077 might be better days

arizona's hot but not as hot as texas or nevada in the summer 
and the drive was kind of long because i drove through by myself 
listening to bon iver and some nirvana
and that song blind pilot sang
it made me think of u before i saw the sunset 
in colorado in the rain and so i pulled my car on over 
cos i heard ur voice and this is what u said

what's it like in phoenix
do u miss me 
are u scared
how's the weather over there
do u still play ESO
sorry that's a stupid question 
what's a better one these days
we're all burnt out lost ourselves washed down the drain

what's it like back home and do i miss you?
yes i do
yes i wanna be with u
we don't have to talk too much
that's ok cos i do bad with conversation
and we’ll live in mmos
we don't care
and we don't know

phoenix, arizona

sorry forgot to put this up when i dropped it last year
lyrics:
My trust is fucked from getting fucked over again
Why's it so hard for me to buckle down
And let somebody in
I keep on getting close to letting go and floating in the wind
I get so caught up in the feeling
Then it brutally begins
I was an addict back when doing drugs could make you better friends
Now I'm an addict with nobody who will stick through till the end
I wish I had someone to cry to
When the crying starts again
Drowning in feelings in the mirror
Seems more likely fitting in
Elastic organs they will fill my stomach up
And I am plastic I am lead
And you wish that I was dead
But I can't collect the data 'cause my processor is busted
And my printer paper's jammed
Can I fix it with my hand and you say "no"
"You have to hang up all your clothes before you go to find a home"
"Or else mother, she will scold the both of us"
People stuck inside the cusp of losing everything we love
Should we risk it all for drugs or loosen up
We're growing up, we're growing up
And I can't handle holding cups
My attention span is rough
And you don't know
How much I miss being in love with someone
You can hear my heart 'a-bumping
Playing to the beat of nothing
My trust is fucked I think that I won't trust again
Until someone comes along
And starts to act just like a friend
I get excited when I think it's closing in, I'm closing in
But excitement starts to fade
And the lights begin to dim, begin to dim

the beat of nothing

need 2 - pinegrove cover

prod/mix/master by me
cover of liam's song 'pocket' off of their album 'railcar radio' 

lyrics:
yeah, i'm always upset
cause you're always in my head
there is nothing that could weigh me down more 
not even this lead
and if you could always let me know when you are going to stop by
i would pull the tissue out my pocket and i'd wipe my eyes

pocket- akemie5o cover

lyrics:
daddy’s home again
back from living in sin
can i say hello?
and will he even notice
how much i have changed 
but he sees me the same
get off and on the train
i can feel ur heart strain

your silence spoke so loud i can’t even tell if you love me now
do you love me now?
even mother cloud is having doubts 
do you love me now?

u deny i’m me
i’m someone u wanna be 
i can see ur tense
scared of how it will end
daddy hear my song
ur absent you’ve been gone
smile and nod ur head
won’t care until i’m dead

your silence spoke so loud i can’t even tell if you love me now
do you love me now?
even mother cloud is having doubts 
do you love me now?

your silence spoke so loud i can’t even tell if you love me now
do you love me now?
even mother cloud is having doubts 
do you love me now?

do you love me now?
your silence spoke so loud i can’t even tell if you love me now
do you love me now?
even mother cloud is having doubts 
do you love me now?

do you love me now?
your silence spoke so loud i can’t even tell if you love me now
do you love me now?
even mother cloud is having doubts 
do you love me now?

do u love me now

i've run out of things to write
find me in the side of light
sweating little bullets i can't handle it it's blinding bright
u got mad at me for singing songs that never told u lies
im angry and confused 
but neither thanks to u
see i want some fucking answers
but none that u can give me
my mother always said that god would send me to her city
i don't even wanna go
i want to stay right here
i've fallen for this simple life and everybody here
the last few years were scary but it's finally looking up
now we're safe and sound and we can look around and finally see the trees
the willows weep for me

willows, weep for me

writing/production/mixing/mastering done by me

lyrics:
drop the ball into the tank 
i dont have anything to say
smell the city flames they dance around and burn the night to day
stay away from boys who tell you they're the only ones who're safe
they have taken me away i don't remember what i'd say

to keep his hand off of my belt and then remembering how i felt 
every time he'd meet my gaze how can i do this every day
"i deserve it but i'm worth it" starts to echo through my brain
every time i leave my house i never want to leave again

resolution cosmic judgement am i worthy of this fate
words from shadows of the dead, they give me fuel for my self hate
is it possible, recovery? or am i just too late?
have i already recovered is it just another face?

every morning you're awake i tend to hide myself away
bathrooms flooding when i visit act like nothings in your way
am i just another speedbump in his path of saving face
only his of course, mine is still there hidden to this day

cosmic judgement

this song has helped me through so much. so yeah. here it is.
Photo/Painting creds: Calvin J. Truelove

skinny love-bon iver/birdy cover

Looking Out For You- Joy again Cover

everything is going to hell cover

an art gallery could never be as magnificent as you

lyrics:
Im floating in my bed
Thoughts pooling in my head
My teeth are chomping down on popcorn
I can’t feel my limbs
My body feels so dim
My brain receptors follow him

I feel sound 
I feel sight
I feel everything around me tonight

The moon man looks at me
His toothy grin widening
My heart drops all the way to my knees
My vision’s getting blurry
Oh god why can’t I hurry
I can’t remember where we began

thin mints and popcorn (DEMO)

the last demo before the album is officially released
(artwork done by allyssa van cuyk)

affection

lyrics:
i wasn't thinking
the night i told u all abt my feelings
but u jus listened
shared a smile or 2
i loved looking at u

i matched the distance
met u on a train and u made me think that i was going insane
but in a good way
if that makes any sense
i kind of enjoyed it

the distance

I tried
tried to explain how I wasn't right
and now I don't know how I will survive
shadows round me I don't even mind
mind

you lied
lied about the things you couldn't hide
so I stopped caring stopped trying to fly
amidst all of these feelings I'm so high

rest your head inside of mine
fill it up with pretty lies 
and I'll try to get a clue so I can open up to u
and start breaking ur heart instead of mine
every time
if I got time
I don't have time
every time

time (ft. spencer)

while the pretty petals of the flower u gave me begin to fall
stories told to me by lovers who had never seen at all
what will the monsters do when all I'm ever scared of is the truth
bags under my eyes
I'm up all night
Thinking abt u
ooo

petals

speak
but do it softly
for the creatures in my ceiling they are listening to our conversations
look
they caught us staring
and we run away for days and days hoping that this isn't all for nothing

untitled - 10/14/19, 9:01

how many times do I have to say why
why it never really seemed like I tried 
I ran thru the dirt and I scuffed up my shoes
I treated the wounds and I iced up my bruise
the pain this all caused made me suck up to u
so why must I wait, validate you
and pick all the trash up I kept stepping on
my brain can't take it
I'm yelling oh my god
oh my god
oh my god

Carrington Ln

lyrics:
broken love
has no trust
winding down
i see now
the pillars were made of 
flour and sawdust
fragile and sandy and it's making me cut
off all of the ties i have strung along and i
cry

fissured fuck
taking drugs
so careless
floral dress
sewn from soft cotton it makes me feel rotten
drowning the bugs making them all fall in love
drowning all of the bugs
making them all fall in love

flour and sawdust (demo)

where did you sleep last night- nirvana cover

doing all the things i used to do wif ppl-cover (redo)

music video: https://youtu.be/dpTSzwYpQqM
My first studio recorded single!!
lyrics:
i don't know why i can't see
my vision's getting real blurry
my legs are numb my arms are weak
my body has a fleeting feeling
took the hit and held it in
and then my lungs start to expand
fill all the cracks and crevasses
i can't go back towards my friends

geometry embraces me
my ego's gone and so empty
now it's dark and nothing has need
i'll write you back when i can breathe

lyrics:
baby comes home to kill himself
his thoughts scattered across the shelf
mother tries to keep him safe
broken and angry she can't replace
a double life
the pain i hide
i can't let you see inside
please just let me breathe
i need air and i need speed

drinking the poison to stay awake
sober and colder inside my brain
8 missed calls i try to break
apart the sins i tried to claim
i am nothing a disgrace
stuck against the drugs i take
sniffing blow until i break
you don't know how much i hate
being apart of anyone
i bring depression with my songs
it's hard not to let them down
when all that i can do is frown

im your son
i came home
i tied the noose
i let you go
im dangling  
my visions black
and now there is no going back

baby comes home to kill herself

dollar bills and razor blades

one of my favorite songs in the world, and one of my favorite bands

afraid of everyone- the national cover

visualizer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiDkEh3_VaM&t=12s
hope u enjoy :)))

in my head- bedroom cover(video in desc.)

change (alex g cover) ft. postcard nowhere

no good at lying- charlie hickey cover

she/her
https://linktr.ee/scruffpuppie
willows, weep for me

scruffpuppie

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