go far from this, it’s just a myth 
i hope that i won't miss the call again

when you’re lost without a way out
and there wasn't hope to stay
it’s the doubt that i've been living in
i won't pretend i'm happy there
when all i hope is i won't let you down 
i don't want to go back to broken trust
i don't know if i can make it up

go far from this, so you don't witness
hope i'm out of bed so i won't miss the cause

i'm not awake so how could i ever relate?
it’s the doubt that i've been living in
i won't pretend i'm happy there
when all i hope is i won't let you down 
i don't want to go back to broken trust
i don't know if i can make it up

wish I could know if my life of loneliness will end
i hope i can work on it
but i watch it all keep burning

prod/mix by me
vid by me

‎▶ video

illusions shutter

lost in broken words

i haven't caught the words alone
below the ground i’ve fought to make it home
i don't know when that door shut to every out
i don’t know of the past dreamt of 

i never would find the rocks i've wandered from 
all the way through the cold
am i alone? in the end i learned how wrong i was 
if i’d  known your heart would stop
i would have gone before the door was shut

when a dream fakes it these hatreds go
but nothing here makes sense 
need space to cope 

why wasn't i convinced to go before you died?
i’ve dreamt i’d make it home
with the core of my spine broken, am i alone?
i don’t know of the past dreamt of 

i never would find the rocks i've wandered from 
all the way through the cold
am i alone? in the end i learned how wrong i was 
if i’d  known your heart would stop
i would have gone before the door was shut

when a dream fakes it these hatreds go
but nothing here makes sense 
need space to cope

prod/mix/mst by me

lake willow files

glow of sunlight

cold in the sun
i held every tear that there was
now you’re cold to the touch
nothing left here but to run

coming home
from a never ending road
and i will go alone
is the ending cold?

closer to dust
somehow every fear is a crutch
always cold but it’s numb
it took seven years to adjust

coming home
from a never ending road
and i will go alone
is the ending cold?

leaves of our time

don’t give up
all the doubts still growing 
with a hope to trust 
falling out of touch with everyone you loved 
overcome, still never close enough
i thought it would get easier for us

thought i’d make it out 
but doubt was the cause 
will i grow to see a brighter day? 
gone without a sound
you’ve drowned 
i’m lost i’ve become someone you’d hate

don’t give up
never thought i’d make it out alone
but trust never felt the same 
my mind won’t adjust 
never thought i’d live to see the glow 
i thought that time would help
but now we're stuck

thought i’d make it out 
but doubt was the cause 
will i grow to see a brighter day? 
gone without a sound
you’ve drowned 
i’m lost i’ve become someone you’d hate

cold storm, hollow shelter

how far have i gone?
and how far did i fall?

i’m on the edge and i’m trying to find a purpose 
i don’t know where to go
and i’m a mess, but i hope that i’m not worthless
i don’t know where to go

i wish that i would have kept the promises 
that i would never leave again
but is it better in the end?
i wish that i would have kept the promises
i’m gone, i’m alone

how far have i gone?
and how far did i fall?

i need to rest but i haven’t found the surface
i don’t know where to go
i’m cold again, and i don’t know if it’s working
i won’t go there alone

i wish that i would have kept the promises 
that i would never leave again
but is it better in the end?
i wish that i would have kept the promises
i’m gone, i’m alone

how far have i gone?
and how far did i fall?

prod/mix by me

distant streetlights

saiaku

Music Video

august 8th

SHIECHE 86

Plie À Nouveau

bloodletting (w/ lilith is gone)

rest in peace mom
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
so what’s next? to let myself go? 
life closed the stretch of that road
i could have been there in the end, but selfishness left me alone
i’ve dropped a lot of my hopes
no home, and nowhere to go
tried not to stress, but now you're dead and buried
how could i have known the end of your life would that sudden? 
i felt so attacked
i’m caving in
might fade away just to escape what i know 
but that’s how we die, and it’s sad
forget all the plans that we had 
i’m caving in
might fade away just to escape what i know 
what's next? to let myself go? 
life closed the stretch of that road
i could have been there in the end, but selfishness left me alone 
i’ve dropped a lot of my hopes
no home, and nowhere to go
tried not to stress, but now you're dead and buried
how could i have known?

("i know when i said goodbye to him, that it wasn't goodbye forever
when i see him again he won't be in pain, and he won't be weak")

but that’s how we die, and it’s sad
forget all the plans that we had 
i’m caving in 
might fade away just to escape what i know

prod/mix/master by me

missing your wake

left to grieve, i blocked out regrets. my mind’s disease has left me alone again. i know you’ve seen me drowning nonetheless, you tried to leave me in the past so you turned your head. those days that i won’t forget fed lies so i could pretend the way i eat myself alive is just a lie. i shouldn’t be here, right? if left alone, my head just loves to pass it by. i love to hope, but i can’t see what life is like without an overdose. it’s hard to live a lie. it’s hard to believe the mess i was in could end. my time of need turned me against you but now she’s dead. those days that i won’t forget fed lies so i could pretend the way i eat myself alive is just a lie. i shouldn’t be here, right? if left alone, my head just loves to pass it by. i love to hope, but i can’t see what life is like without an overdose. it’s hard to live a lie.

Spotify

ridge hollow drive

heres my cover of "sold my soul" by the used

sold my soul (the used cover)

i watched it fall away again. i’m tired, so why should i pretend i’m over it? fuck it, i’m fine. i’ll act like it hasn't been on my mind. i don't know why i tried to hide from lies. i thought that i could have a stable life again. i’m playing blank cassettes. i know you remember the time i said “what the fuck do you want from me?” off the meds. but then i was left with a lie. you said you would be mine. look behind misguided eyes, i left everything i had that night. you called me just to invite me back to that city and leave behind the new life i liked, so i said goodbye. i took my car, i knew it wasn't right. i let regrets surrounding my head fall again. all i wanted, then, was to make amends. it was only months before i watched it end. remember that note that i left for you? desperate, i just needed help, but you decided to vanish. well, fuck you too. i was homeless and left to move. abusing a drug that fucked up my head until i overdosed again. i know you remember the time i said “what the fuck do you want from me?” off the meds. i’m over it. fuck it, i’m fine. i’ll act like it hasn't been on my mind. my last cry for help.

prod/mix/mst by me

subvital-44

▶ Music Video

the vein in black

in loving memory of my mother angela

for all the lies you would believe; you lost what i'd let use my trust for these wrongful lines. i couldn't see the cost and the headache it took to leave. the weight on my chest and roads that ended made me regret my disbelief. these days with no rest made me desperate. opiates let me get to sleep.

for all the lies you would believe; you lost what i'd let use my trust for these wrongful lines. i couldn't see the cost and the headache it took to leave. lost in my head shaking thoughts that i've let take all that was left until you couldn't breathe. cut off from my meds in a loft with no bed i'd hope for the best but never sleep.

▶ Spotify

angela

i lost myself and wasn't seeing it through
the fever that grew, i dreamed it was you 
i stopped and fell into a sea of abuse
the fever that grew, i dreamed it was you
forgot the help that i’d known and lost myself without hope 

i lost myself and wasn't seeing it through
the fever that grew, i dreamed it was you
i stopped and fell into a sea of abuse
the fever that grew, i dreamed it was you
i want to stay but i know our days are numbered
i’ve lost all hope

i’m haunted by this mess and just want to know what's next
i long for what is left but i just need some rest  
i watched the light turn red but crossed despite their death
i’m constantly obsessed

i lost myself and wasn't seeing it through
the fever that grew, i dreamed it was you

cracks in the mirror

i cope alone again hoping i can get away from it
i say i’ll quit but honestly it never ends
she watched as i would fall again

i know the hope can lend help to grow from this
i hate the sickness made of it
i know i’m meant for more than this,
but drowning helps me just forget the past that i regret

holding onto what was left until i lost myself again
i’m dwelling over words unsaid

i cope alone again hoping i can get away from it
i say i’ll quit but honestly it never ends
she watched as i would fall again

i know the hope can lend help to grow from this
i hate the sickness made of it
i know i’m meant for more than this but i’ve been feeling so misled

i’m walking on an edge trying not to drown again
i was hanging by a thread holding on to what was left

prod/mix/mst by me

a moon without the sun

i wish the time we spent didn’t slip by as quick as it did
now i live my life with a fake smile and chase highs again

watching life pass me by
i wish i had one last goodbye

“i’m alright, i'll be fine”
that’s a lie, you know i’m dead inside

if nothing ever lasts, what’s the point of finding happiness?
i’ll never have you back and that’s a life i’d rather never live

i wish the time we spent didn’t slip by as quick as it did
now i live my life with a fake smile and chase highs again

all the fights, every lie...
can i take back all the spite?

i can try to find the light
but without you i’m still dead inside

if nothing ever lasts, what’s the point of finding happiness?
i’ll never have you back and that’s a life i’d rather never live

i wish the time we spent didn’t slip by as quick as it did
now i live my life with a fake smile and chase highs again

i wish the time we spent didn’t slip by as quick as it did
now i live my life with a fake smile and chase highs again

prod/mix/mst by me

subvital-44

letter from a crow

is anyone out there? 
i promised if i made it out, i’d find love again
i won’t forget the life we’ve lived

we’ll never get back the time spent
i won’t pretend i’ll find love again
i faked a smile and found the end

i’m tired of all the doubt
the broken promises
don't know if i’ll ever make her proud
i’m sorry my life’s a mess

i’m trying to make it out
but something pulls me in
i never know how to find myself
i’m sorry i can't commit

i won't trust ever again
was i the cause of this?

i want to know what i did to ruin this
i’d love to find the reason i exist
just tell me if the lies will end

i’m tired of all the doubt
the broken promises
don't know if i’ll ever make her proud
i’m sorry my life’s a mess

i’m trying to make it out
but something pulls me in
i never know how to find myself
i’m sorry i can't commit

i won't trust ever again
was i the cause of this?

prod/mix/master by me

a lost promise

can i spend the night here?
another day feared

how did i fall over the ledge?
changed into someone i’m not

but is all this my fault?
now that you’ve left
i don’t know how to move on

can i spend the night here?
another day feared
i followed what i saw would hurt

but then asked “can i spend the day here?”
another night feared
you followed what you saw would turn against you

will i see through all the lies?
how else will i find the light?

i’ll take the fall for you
and then try to remember the cause

but is all of this just stuck in my head?
is it the substance’s fault?

can i spend the night here?
another day feared
i followed what i saw would hurt

but then asked “can i spend the day here?”
another night feared
you followed what you saw would turn against you

will i see through all the lies?
how else will i find the light?

prod/mix/master by me

north of lake willow

i’m lost in the realm of what i thought was my getaway
you fought to get out before my eyes
how could i ever stay?

i’ve torn us apart
the mess it caused forced me to run away
i know that i’m far from every scar
how could it end this way?

what have i become?
so far gone from the flood
if only i could go back to what i thought never was

i thought this would help
but what i’ve done won’t recover me

i’ve wondered around but i’m still lost
how could i run away?

i’ll try and restart
but i still want to fix what i’ve thrown away

but look where we are
it’s too far gone to try and fix anyway

what have i become?
so far gone from the flood
if only i could go back to what i thought never was

i tried to keep you awake but now you’re gone again
your eyes won’t open i hate to say this never ends

prod/mix/master by me

ivory deathbed

with hope that this wasn't how you’d leave us
it’s still cold. is this what the future brings us? 
without the sun the reason drowns and now you’re gone

i saw what it held but never found the light
you’re one with the clouds, there’s still no help
you were forced to give up alone in the poison arms

however far the fall was down still wasn't far enough somehow

with every tear fell a sense of peace
i still thought that this wasn't how you’d leave us
without the sun the reason drowns and now you’re gone

i saw what it held but never found the light
you’re one with the clouds, there’s still no help
you were forced to give up alone in the poison arms

how was the fall to the other side?
i wonder what the feeling is like

prod/mix/mst by me
artwork by me

sodus void

so you’ve gone away 
but i still wait for a glimpse of you in a vacant room
i’ve never known the words to say 
so i’ve stayed up for a sense of truth
but hate the thought of waking up alone

hope will hide those thoughts that would eat at you
but i won't manage to see it through 
i hate the truth of waiting under the gun

i’ll go far away from the place i knew
but i won't manage to see it through
the weight that grew too heavy to bare it alone
i wish it would go
i’ve lost the hope
i’m gone

i want to wait but i still hate what i did 
to prove myself to you
is there still hope that this can change?
i’m wondering what it meant to you
i hate the thought of waking up alone

hope will hide those thoughts 
that would eat at you
but i won't manage to see it through 
i hate the truth of waiting under the gun

i’ll go far away from the place i knew
but i won't manage to see it through
the weight that grew too heavy to bare it alone
i wish it would go
i’ve lost the hope
i’m gone

prod/mix/mst by me

blind in the snow

the way that it used to be is poisoning my head

i drove alone down the road that i knew always lead me back
the sense is lost with every thought

remember those days i’d hope for this to go
then i lost all the friends i had
i’m falling back

i won’t go alone
i just wanted hope
the way that it used to be is poisoning my head

i’ll never know the pain you held
i want to go but i’ve felt trapped
the sense is lost with every thought

remember those nights alone out by the road
escape from all the problems had
i’m falling back

i won’t go alone
i just want hope
the way that it used to be is poisoning my head
the way that it used to be is poisoning my head

prod/mix/mst by me

echoed reflection

▟▛ ▙▟ ▙ ▚▞ █ ▜▛ ▞▚ ▙▄ ▟▛

shae delea

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