fly on the wall, the lights are turned down
waiting for the car to come back to the driveway
the floor is so tall i might just fall off
patch the bruise, go back upstairs and act like i’m okay

isn’t this how it was gonna end?
keep it short and simple, just pretend
if we don’t talk about it, it never happened
so we wont, and this is how it ends

im just one person but im competing
know the roster, know the playbook, am i winning?
isn’t funny how the losers always stay?
is that why im stuck to him, is that why im afraid?

but isn’t this how it was gonna end?
pierced my nose and wore it as defense
scared to leave and i know that i can
but i don’t, and this is how it ends

and i long to see the other side
but i dont ever think that I could hate him
so i hope in another life
the cards are dealt in my fucking favor
maybe its in my bloodline
cuz why do my mistakes not feel like mine
if i can’t let go of a stranger, then maybe theres
something really wrong with what im made of
i can’t take it

wish that I could say this clear headed
put all my anger at the top watch it trickle down
but at the bottom, theres all of my love
so he sits there with me and we both drown

but isn’t this how it was gonna end?
loving him but having nothing left
when i can sleep at night, thats when i’ll rest
but for now, this is how it ends.

this is how it ends - feb 14 2023

before you, i was full
i never saw the ending
but here we are
you never cared for rules
you only ever bent them
so here we are

ive tried every remedy 
hurt you first inside my dream
i cut up the old tee shirt you wore
turned myself into the sea
drowning out that part of me
that you made your own, you swore that you’d love me

i guess you’re a liar, but its not your fault
that i let people walk all over me, its my default
im getting sick of making up for space you’ve taken
cus now im just a shape of the hole that you left 

honestly im fine 
i just think about it every day
you’re not with me
and i told our story to my friends
they know the who, but not the when
cus if i traced it to back then
they’d wonder why i care so much right now

im almost all gone
does that make you feel good?
i am not enough 
does that make you feel good?
does that make you feel good?
does that make you feel good?
do you feel good?

i guess you’re a liar, but its not your fault
that i let people walk all over me
its my default
im getting sick of making up for space you’ve taken
cus now im just a shape of the hole that you left

shape - nov 29 2023

this thing is getting old, i think im getting older
you’re getting really close, but almost gets you nowhere
worked up my confidence, it only took 3 years
theres always something off, theres always something wrong i fear

and i think its getting worse
breathe in breathe out
i’ll never be your first

i swear im not trying to be cold
i just dont wanna get hurt again
we’re on the comedown
we talk through silence and smoke
better off keeping it quiet its 
not gonna work out

tell me what we’re what doing
is this all just for the plot?
you’d never admit it
cus you know your damage could burn down a lot
thats why i stay cautious
i dont want to want this,
but i do

hope you know that im dying to know how you feel
hope you’re feeling stupid like i am
you and i made this mess, now we gotta lay in it
everytime i get the chance, i don’t take it
i don’t wanna give in
push you out again just to get pulled back in

tell me what we’re what doing
is this all just for the plot?
you’d never admit it
cus you know your damage could burn down a lot
thats why i stay cautious
i dont want to want this,
but i do

your first/cautious - oct 18 2023

i cooked in your sweatshirt and now it smells like it
i dont wanna wash it, dont wanna lose your scent
im peeling the orange that you kept in my fridge
you left all your sweetness, and it tastes like it

all my senses , you’re taking up 
all my senses, cant get enough
feel protected, like im in your arms
i find you everywhere and then i feel it all
i feel it all

i slept on the right side, cus i could feel you there
i memorized just how your shoulders felt when we were both bare
i hear you in all my favorite songs
now i relate to the nice ones, i can finally sing along

all my senses , you’re taking up 
all my senses, cant get enough
feel protected, like im in your arms
i find you everywhere and then i feel it all
i feel it all
i feel it all
i feel it all

and then i feel it all

all my senses - feb 22 2024

you fall asleep on the phone
tired but you still call
you say its not your fault that i am
someone who feels like home

you need your rest babe
i’ll stay on the line for as long as i can
but it feels like a heart ache
everytime im by myself again

to know that you’re breathing is enough
i promise
sometimes i wanna wake you up
but thats selfish
what if i just miss you and i wanna talk
but just to see you sleeping is more than enough
so i whisper “goodnight my love”

got off the plane last night
expected silence on the other end
but you said “i wanna hear your voice”
and i fell all over again

but you need your rest babe
stay on the line for as long you can
but this was a mistake
calling cause i want forever but time doesn’t bend like that

to know that you’re breathing is enough
i promise
sometimes i wanna wake you up
but thats selfish
what if i just miss you and i wanna talk
but just to see you sleeping is more than enough
it hurts to hang up 
if im being honest
but having you there
is all that i’ve wanted
sometimes i just need you to give it your all
but if you need some sleep, tomorrow i’ll call you
for now 
i whisper “goodnight my love”

whisper - march 20 2024

tried to turn off my brain and 
lock in but i couldnt
so i took the time to think it through
the way you were was rotten  
its eating away at my skin
but my body’s getting sick of you

i just wanna let it go
so i take the pill that hurts to swallow

i hug my ego
instead of building it up
i lose my temper
till you feel small enough
but you’re just a person
that i want nothing of 
so i take one big step back

what we had now is tainted
whatever that was, now it isnt
dont wanna waste time being the fool
the one who thinks about it
everyday 24/7
i know im better than this 
and better than you

i hug my ego
instead of building it up
i lose my temper
till you feel small enough
but you’re just a person
that i want nothing of 
so i take one big step back

its mutual
letting all of it go
i just do it slower
i am myself
so i cant say i wont
hold onto the hurt

i hug my ego
instead of building it up
i lose my temper
till you feel small enough
but you’re just a person
that i want nothing of 
so i take one big step back

sheng <3

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