i fucking hate this house
when it's the only place i want to be,
and it is the only place i want to be.

all tracks produced by whokilledcj, find more of his work here:
https://soundcloud.com/whokilledcj
https://traktrain.com/whokilledcj#440399
https://www.instagram.com/whokilledcj/
https://twitter.com/whokilledcj

cover art by 9missedcalls and soma. follow 9missedcalls on instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/9missedcalls/

Sadhouse

Lyrics:

The flowers in my room are dying but they won't wilt.
The leaves stay green, but they fall still.
Switched from my notebook to a cell phone
I'm slowly compressing into generic molds
and becoming a feature of this home.
The walls and the roof are stunting my growth.

I'm encased in walls of rotting wood.
The moisture in the air cements this soggy mood.
I open the curtains because I know you'll be home soon.
Let just enough light through the glass to keep you in the room.

I'm sitting by the stream
under the shade of a tree.
I'm rooted in place,
I'm enjoying the breeze.
I've got wooden bones 
so I'm staying home
but there's soil free, so please,
so please, settle down with me.

Settle (prod. whokilledcj)

Visual: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PypsJsAEFwo

Lyrics:

I want it because it's bad,
a two-bedroom apartment 
with dust on the blinds and red wine in the carpet
where you'd leave me be.
I like the idea,
yeah, we're spiraling.
I could see it in my head,
dump the pills in your purse
and your lips stay quiet
like our roles were reversed.
You don't look disappointed
even if that was because you love me
but this feeling in my stomach,
yeah, that's gotta mean something.

I still panic
when I think I'm dying.
Swear off the madness
but only until morning. 

I picture you in all black
all day every day
black wings painted
on your face to fly away.
To fly away from a smile I can't trace.

I'm ashamed of myself.
Bed bones in the morning,
yeah, I think you found me out
because I talk in my sleep
when there's no drugs to calm me down.
I talk in my sleep.
Hold me right now.

Cold (prod. whokilledcj) [VISUAL LINK IN DESCRIPTION]

Lyrics:

It's tragic how I just have to believe you
because there's no way of knowing and it's killing me slowly.
You know trust is a problem
and I need something concrete.
So, I'll take hits to the face until I'm numb.
I don't like the way it feels
but I'm scared of what is real
and boredom.
I don't want to hold on.
Bite hard into the fleshy part in the back of my hand.
Squeeze harder the more sober I am
and then I'll pull my sleeves down
to stay warm,

I've been thinking the same thoughts for days
but I can't bring myself to bring this up and say it to your face
because I know I made this up.
I can't swim.
Waiting for the winter to come back so I can fit in,
slipping under the surface of the love I've been given.
I feel sick.
Waiting for the winter to come back so I can fit in,
slipping under the surface of the love I've been given.

Throw Me In The Water (The James River) (prod. whokilledcj)

Lyrics:

Euphoria, please stay with me.
She's got a pack of smokes and a thing for leaving
but I can't be alone right now.
I've got sweaty palms and I am shaking.
All the plans that I am making
don't lead to you and for that I'm sorry.
Jesus Christ. Allegory.
Break into the house for me.

She tucks a gun in her waistband.
Wish I was lusting for sleep, man.
I cannot forget you.

(Negatives)
I know that I've been distant and I'm sorry.
The silence is discomforting.
Knowing the house isn't empty and I'm not alone
keeps me sane.
Most days it's so hard to get out of bed.
I still crave the taste of cigarettes.
I'm sorry for the night I left.

Stay Where It's Safest (ft. Negatives) (prod. whokilledcj)

Lyrics:

It all starts in my head and drifts down to my feet.
Let it overtake everything, this soft, warm feeling.
All I can think of is the end.
Please let me down gently.
I love to float like this but it's so goddamn fleeting.

The sky is a pastel painting and you look like a movie.
Pull up in your two-door. We don't have to go far.

3 Month Intermission (prod. whokilledcj)

Lyrics:

Dust sparkles like a disco ball
as sunlight creeps through an open window onto my bedroom wall.
It makes my head feel sick.
I was trying to hide from this
but I won't admit defeat,
I'll sweat in bed all day
while underground and safe.
Underrated and well-behaved.
I won't commit to sleep.
I'll watch short films while half-awake
and make small nauseous fragments from the dull day.

Chop agreement up into small maybes
and maybe there's some way we can both be happy
where I tag along just half-engaged
and you convince yourself that this isn't a normal day.

Please leave me alone now.
Don't hang around just to find out
that nothing will change.

Underground Discotheque (prod. whokilledcj)

Lyrics:

Sometimes I can't get it out
but I can feel it in my head before I try writing it down
but not now.
Sit right down while I repeat myself.
I'm only gonna do this shit once,
yeah, I think that would help.
I'm ashamed, I'm ashamed, I'm ashamed of myself.
Repeat the verse in my head until it's all played out.

I broke that fucking promise already,
and yeah, I'm lying, but at least I'm lying to myself.
But that shit doesn't matter where I'm going.

It doesn't matter where I'm going,
because I'm hiding away, yeah, I'm hiding away
and you'll never even see my face.
So, sing the words in the background.
I drank too much and now I'm starting to crash.
I tried to cover up what I lack.
I just wanna be loved
but love is not enough
and life bleeds like an open wound.
It's tragic. I'm manic.
I'll always come back to you.

Repeat the words in the background.
I drank too much and now I'm starting to crash.

Pain Reliever (prod. whokilledcj)

Lyrics:

We've run out of things to say
I wanna hide away at night
I miss the meaning in my head now.
And I still ask about your day
but I'm looking at my phone
and you're trying not to yell, yeah.
I wanna fade into the background.
We're sitting here in silence 
but I'm bobbing to the rhythm
in the back of my head.
You're thinking of the places 
that you wish you were instead
if you could get me out of bed.

Let me off easy.
Drop me off at home.
Let me off easy.
Alone with acetone.

You're still with me every day
and you treat me soft just like I need
but sometimes I wish you'd kick my teeth in.
Spit in my face again, we could call it even.
Swing your steel toes through the change in the seasons.

I wish my shin had a tattoo of that old bruise.
I wish my feet still got blisters in older shoes.

Ships (prod. whokilledcj)

Lyrics:

I don't even think of you that often,
I just always need a break on the weekends
and I swear that I'm gonna quit, just not yet.
I'm still waiting for these stone cold days to soften
and for the light to go out.
So kiss me one last time in the rain
and send me a text when you get home, I'll reply in the morning.

I fall in love with anything that's new,
that doesn't mean that I'm over you.
I just get scared when I'm standing still
so I run in circles around the space you fill.
But you get sick so easy
so close your eyes and guess where I'll be.
Even in the dark you can still smell the rain.
Maybe you're happy I'm happy when I'm killing my pain.

When I show up in the morning wearing my wet clothes
if you want me to leave then you can let me know.

Her perfume is like cocaine.
I wanna get bleached hair, citrus powders and a nose ring.
In my mind when I speak to you softly
my real hair smells like smoke, my clothes smell like coffee.
I haven't slept much this year,
I've been replacing a well-rested feeling with shallow wonder
to keep me tied to the clouds
I've been under.

I'll stay this way,
I'm gonna make that clear.
It feels great to wake up
to grey atmosphere.

Chanel No. 5 (prod. whokilledcj)

Lyrics:

I showered, but got back in dirty clothes.
I left the engine running and went inside the house.
I took too much and I passed out on the couch.
It's a feeling, I'm always halfway there.
I'm wide awake and sweating.
My dresser drawer is breathing and I'm scared
of morning, it's coming, it's not fair.
I woke up, but I stayed inside my bed.
The sunlight feels like cancer. Responsibilities are drilling through my head.
This will never get better.

The stars are falling down from the clouds.
They're closing in, I'm laying down.
I feel as small as the Earth is round.
My hands are cold. My face is numb.