Eating a whole apple core because you can’t be bothered going to the bin, admit it, you’ve done it.<end>
Every storm runs out of rain<end>
Fabulous ends in “us” coincidence? I think not<end>
Generally, the path of least resistance appeals. Also, I am excellent at parallel parking.<end>
God bless this hot mess<end>
Good Samaritan, washed-up athlete, especially gifted napper.<end>
Have lots of hair and like ugly things<end>
Here to serve…. the cat overlord<end>
I absolutely hate Instagram, and anything else having to do with hashtags.<end>
I always feel sad for seedless watermelons, because what if they wanted babies? <end>
I am an actor and a writer and I co-created my breakfast and my son, Malachai.<end>
I am coming back to face the reality that a normal day is not beer on the beach or calamari in the belly.<end>
I can quote (Insert movie) better than you and all your friends.<end>
I Can’t remember who I stole my bio from or why<end>
I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on HD somewhere.<end>
I have this new theory that human adolescence doesn’t end until your early thirties.<end>
I hope one day I love something the way women in commercials love yogurt<end>
I looked at my Instagram photos and realized I look beautiful.<end>
Alcohol specialist. Extreme social media maven. Coffee geek. Explorer. Internetaholic. Proud web evangelist.<end>
I once sneezed a beanie weenie through my nose. I also made a horse faint in Costa Rica.<end>
I only rap caucasionally<end>
I prefer my puns intended<end>
"You have to live through the worst parts of life so you never take the best parts for granted."<end>
I put the hot in psychotic<end>
I recently gave up Warcraft so my productivity, and drinking, have increased dramatically.<end>
Karma's gonna come collect your debt<end>
I shouldn’t be allowed to go on Snapchat, Facebook or Instagram when I’m drunk!<end>
I would do anything to have your arms wrapped around my waist and close enough to where your heartbeat becomes my lullaby<end>
I was addicted to hokey pokey but I turned myself around<end>
I will go into survival mode if tickled<end>
I know it's not my position to fix everything...But oh! How I wish it was...<end>
I’m a force to be reckoned with, I reckon<end>
I’m not glad it’s “Friday” I’m glad it’s “Today”. Love your life 7 days a week.<end>
I’m starting to like Instagram, which is weird because I hate pictures.<end>
I’ve always thought being popular on Instagram is as about as useless as being rich in monopoly<end>
I’m a Basset Hound aficionado with a mouth like a Syphilitic sailor.<end>
I’m a Texan with lots of opinions and pretty hair.<end>
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I am joking.<end>
I’m here to avoid friends on Facebook.<end>
I’m not smart. I just wear glasses.<end>
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them<end>
I’m real and I hope some of my followers are too.<end>
I’m really a giant cupcake. Afraid of roller coasters and dry ice<end>
If I could sum up my life in one line I would die of embarrassment<end>
If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together<end>
In search of sleep, sanity, & The Shire<end>
Insert pretentious stuff about myself here.<end>
It’s Weird that all pics shared from Instagram are always blurring.<end>
Just a cupcake looking for a stud muffin<end>
Just another paper cut survivor<end>
Just keep swimming<end>
Life is dumb and I want to sleep<end>
I find uncooked beef patty *very* seductive.<end>
Living vicariously through myself<end>
Making the Snuggie look good since 2009.<end>
Mama said life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get<end>
You can't fool me, your barely hanging on.<end>
Mermaids don’t do homework<end>
Dear Internet, Technology would be much better if I could download sandwiches. Sincerely, Hungry now<end>
My hobbies are breakfast, lunch, and dinner.<end>
I'd rather be a soldier than a cop<end>
Battery low, gotta start using it strategically now.<end>
I'm starting to see that people try to do the best they can their just stuck in this world that trys to make everyone do there worst.<end>
because I would rather kill someone<end>
than bother them.<end>
Think with your heart not your mind because its all about the ART<end>
Let me bitch at you every day until you sort your shit out.<end>
When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.<end>
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-Mart<end>
Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.<end>
My life was changed by a train.<end>
My relationship status? Netflix, Oreos and sweatpants<end>
Naturally and artificially flavored<end>
Nice guys finish lunch.<end>
Nothing more than a man who cared enough to try<end>
Oh I’m sorry was my sass too much for you?<end>
OMG no one cares<end>
Only Swag girls are fascinated by hashtags on the Facebook.<end>
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee. Coincidence? I think not.<end>
Please insert pretentious crap about myself here.<end>
Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.<end>
Probably the best meat eater in the world<end>
Is your sunshine like my rain?<end>
They'll call our crimes a work of art..<end>
Is your pleasure like my pain?<end>
Proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants<end>
Words cannot express my love & passion for Fridays!<end>
You can follow me if you feel like it. You can also put peanut butter in your butthole, if you feel like it.<end>
You can’t fix stupid, no matter how much duct tape you use over their mouth!<end>
You is kind, you is smart, you is important<end>
You know your in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.<end>
You’re too rad to be sad.<end>
You’re a 10, on the pH scale, maybe. Cuz you’re basic<end>
Millennial and proud of it<end>
Things just ain’t the same for gangstas<end>
I'll be Burger King and you'll be mcdonalds, I'll have it my way and you'll be loving it<end>
u think ur cool but ur just room temperature<end>
If you’re gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.<end>
not trashy, unless I drink too much.<end>
Hold the night for ransom as we kidnap the memories. <end>
This is my simple Chipotle dependent life<end>
best reason for having dreams is that in dreams no reasons are necessary.<end>
I'm happy with the small circle in keep<end>
Slap my cerebellum with something fresh<end>
I'm mixed 90% bitch 2% fake 8% real for admitting my fakeness<end>
me waking up: wow I can't wait to go to sleep tonight<end>
That’s why I don’t eat lobster or anything like that cause they’re alive when you kill it.<end>
my eyes are saying sleep but my mind is saying internet<end>
Car, house, or trip to Thailand? Let’s pack our bags<end>
frustrated one minute. happy the next. sad a few minutes later. hungry right after that. yep, that's my life<end>
Slippers are my best friend. I don't do sea food<end>
The reason I like you is simple, love, laughter, and your smile<end>
I think the first step toward the inevitable ascent into adulthood is writing a grocery list that isn't jottings of jelly bean varietals.<end>
Together like peanuts and paydays and marley and reggae <end>
How we live our life is far more important than how we say we live our life<end>
Fun fact I can actually drink champagne with my feet and I'm teaching myself how to paint<end>
When your first picture is with Cee Lo Green your an automatic YES<end>
What do you call someone who gets a dose of pepper spray and mustard gas at the same time? A seasoned veteran!<end>
intentionally left blank<end>
I'm lactose intolerant but cheese pizza is my bae<end>
Im allergic to peanut butter and mayonnaise. I find the manual labor to be relaxing.<end>
The best of me is yet to come<end>
Package your meat if your in heat<end>
Making history<end>
Quoting in a bio as unknown when you're the one who came up with it<end> 
On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m a 15<end>
I don't shower, I like frolicking<end>
I have always believed in the saying more money more problems but if you have money that ain't a problem<end>
just realized the world doesn't revolve around me, shocked and upset<end>
Math: Mental Abuse To Humans<end>
Let go and let the world pass through your fingertips<end>
Is it bad I’m constantly craving either cupcakes or donuts?<end>
BAE means bacon and eggs<end>
Exercise, ex..er..cise, ex…ar..cise, eggs are sides, for BACON!<end>
When we met there was romance in the air, a sense of the world stopping still<end>
I only use Instagram to stalk…<end>
I’ve never been able to figure out this damn Twitter bio thing<end>
I’m done with my dinner when I’ve had my dessert<end>
This isn’t rocket science, you take a photo of brunch and you hashtag #yolo #sundayfunday<end>
I haven’t been myself ever since I was born<end>
This is my last Instagram bio ever<end>
I wish I knew when my Dominos pizza would arrive<end>
I’ve been waiting hours and I’ll be waiting for hours more, till my love arrives and my heart’s fulfilled<end>
When I’m not on Instagram I’m on Netflix watching OITNB<end>
Why would I ever leave the house when there’s Netflix and ice cream waiting for me<end>
I do yoga sometimes, drink sometimes, party sometimes, and study rarely<end>
I don't have a life.<end>
Neither do you.<end>
I am a part-time Youtuber, Bathroom Singer, Blogger, Donor, Hugger, Photographer, Prankster, Reviewer, Hater and a Fulltime DECEIVER! I use many tags!<end>
Twinzies.<end>
I tried to keep us together, but you were busy keeping secrets secret.<end>
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.<end>
"where u movin?" onto better things...<end>
I’m havin’ a good time, they just tryin’ to ruin it.<end> 
I am the topic of conversation, it’s a celebration.<end> 
And my free days are just for you, but I don’t get many. It’s like every time we spend time, it feels like the first time.<end> 
I sit and drink wine and watch Californication of life.<end>
Took a while, got the jokers out of the deck now<end>
We become what we think about.<end>
There are no traffic jams along the extra mile.<end>
Don't Michael Jordan still got his hoop earring in?<end>
But I ain't Santa, I got something for these bad bitches too<end>
If you think I’ma quit before I die – dream on.<end>
My fake plants died cuz I did not pretend to water them..<end>
I can handle pain until it hurts.<end>
Like I catch em stealing flows cause I swear I never loaned it.<end> 
Let’s stay together ’til we’re ghosts. I want to witness love, I’ve never seen it close.<end>
Yeah, I’m smiling, but you’re not the reason anymore.<end>
Call me over rated or creative or too jaded, because any way you put it, bitch I made it.<end> 
Fresher than a pillow with a mint on it.<end>
Somone had a grade a lungfish decorate their home.<end>
Hate is so familiar to me, I’m slowly embracing it. Doesn’t come natural, bear with me it could take a bit.<end> 
We always ignore the ones who adore us and adore the ones who ignore us.<end>
Tables turn, bridges burn, you live and learn.<end>
That spirit really wants to tap into my whiffle wine<end>
Inside I’m treadin’ water steady trying to swim ashore.<end>
I’m getting so throwed, I ain’t went this hard since I was eighteen.<end> 
Tuck my napkin in my shirt cause I'm just mobbing like that.<end>
Even though I like being in your past, you got a bright future behind you.<end>
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.<end>
If one of my spoons got left I'd find the big ape who did it<end>
I can teach you how to speak my language – Rosetta Stone.<end> 
I heard you good with them soft lips, yeah, you know, word of mouth.<end> 
Face to face, just you and me, with no rules. Just like you, I get lonely too.<end> 
You can try my kwanzaa CD's...they're still not yours tho<end>
Let's all pour lotion on the person who thinks I'm an ass<end>
I'm gonna leave a watermelon pineapple inside Liam Neeson<end>
Only thing on right now, like a night light.<end> 
I know you still think about the times we had<end>
We all got dreams and we all star reaching.<end>
Seven days without love makes one weak. <end>
I helped a fuzzy dude cut a piece of fruit...<end>
No love for these bitches I said this year is all business.<end>
Alot people say they wish I was less kookoo<end>
And we only getting older. So what I tend to think of today as the past.<end>
I did it overnight, it couldn’t happen any quicker.<end> 
Can’t deny that I want you, but I’ll lie if I have to.<end>
Whatever, it's a thing the tuna melt does to me...<end>
Start not to give a f-ck and stop fearing the consequence.<end>
Plus I love the way my middle name looks when it’s lit up.<end> 
That's when you're the prettiest, I hope that you don't take it wrong.<end>
Who is this Mindy? She Pooped On The Treadmill!<end>
We serve peach cobbler and do it all in a spit cup<end>
I’m lucky that you picked up, lucky that you stayed on. I need someone to put this weight on.<end> 
I’d probably go and tattoo your name on my heart. I swear I start to think that I’m going crazy.<end> 
You park on a driveway and drive on a parkway.<end>
Just holla if you got me and f*ck you if you had me.<end> 
Education costs money.  But then so does ignorance.<end>
I think I’m addicted to naked pictures and sittin talkin’ ’bout bitches that we almost had.<end>
It happened to my kitty, and Elvis was part of it...<end>
I am on a 24 hour champagne diet.<end> 
I’m the highlight, like when markers glow.<end>
I been down this road before, and yeah, I skidded, but forget it.<end> 
You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana<end>
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.<end>
That hobo kept screaming, "Save a boar, I want to see it, do your reps"<end>
Pray the real live forever and the fakes get exposed.<end>
I be up all night, whole crew’s in here, ’cause I don’t really know who I’ma lose this year. <end>
i LOVE dishwashers<end>
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.<end>
Author of many fake books<end>
Go build me a doghouse while I eat this midieval cookie<end>
It’s impossible for you to lose me…because you never had me.<end> 
Cause I’m tryin’ to be unforgettable.<end> 
My life's a completed checklist.<end>
Quick...I want you to hide me!<end>
There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.<end>
I swear everytime I call, You just tell me how I don't call you."<end>
We read to know we're not alone.<end>
To belittle is to be little.<end> 
I went from being two banana plants up to a thrill cooking shark who sold pictures of toys I wanted<end>
Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great.<end>
Lately I've been drinking like there's a message in a bottle.<end>
I just want to be successful.<end>
I'll break a tree root up in your shrimp<end>
I'm always the first one to get it, man that's how you lead by example.<end>
I’m bout my paper like a muthf*cking scratch and win. <end>
Please start doin’ you, I been doin’ me.<end>
I just had a wet dream of twerking hyenas<end>
Give me some of your tots!<end>
Dude said, have some bruschis and I'm like, thats more like it!<end>
What happens when you get scared half to death twice?<end>
You tryna come up, I am the come up. I be standin’ right here when the sun up.<end> 
Life is murder and your forced to fight the war<end>
Every time you see me I look like I hit the lotto twice.<end> 
I'm a leprechaun farmer who is a gambler<end>
Everybody dies, but not everybody lives.<end> 
I was hated the ewoks<end> 
The sugar fountain fairy<end> 
FREE BANANAS!<end>
I’m tryna make all my goals for the future come overnight.<end>
You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream<end>
Better late than never but never late is better.<end>
You know its real when your latest nights are your greatest nights<end>
Fieri, I'm in the kitchen like I'm a magician<end>
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.<end>
I swear I always fall for your type. Tell me why I always fall for your type?<end> 
And really, I think I like who I'm becoming.<end>

Gage Stalzer is following