They call me Staples cuz I keep the story together
Rapping about the raw truth like a meat market booth
But unlike them, all the pieces won’t be missing either
Cuz I eat it all up – first biting its neck with my tooth
Did I mention that I live in Wheaton where all the churches be
Bible bangers arise, get up, cuz we run the city
Come to church with me one Sunday, you can enter for free
I love the thought of pastoring, even though I am rapping
I dress kinda preppy cuz I’m nothing near a thug
And Staplink still doesn’t care what you think – how entrapping
He will say what’s on the brain – he’s anything but a rug
Don’t let the way he dresses fool you
Glasses and a cardigan sweater on the regular

I was never really bright so I never studied
So come exam time, I would cheat off the girl next to me
Thanks to Allie Schuzer, if it wasn’t for her
I never woulda left school with my diploma
Too bad I can’t hang it up cuz I burned it last summer
But I’m not all to blame – Sarah dared me to do it
So along with CJ Loveland I’ll make do without it
But by some strange miracle I made it into college
Met Dan Brown, Boris Krinkle, Tim, and Christian McAvaney
We were sitting in a feminist class, Molly was the teacher that day
Let’s just say we clashed and started fighting bro
Then we threw some chairs, I dodged, and it broke the window
Unfortunately the chair landed on Anna Baccigalupo 
Then she snitched on us and told the principle
Thanks to her we all had to serve a Saturday school
That’s when I met Emil Sadykov and I wasn’t a fool
You just let that guy be nobody brawls with him
It just so happens he was there for snapping some dude’s limb
The very next day I went to church, to mention a Sunday
I ran into some friends including Michael Perry
He asked me how I got along, I answered “I be”
High five the Toaster, Trevor, Scott the Ginger, and Emily
I don’t mean to sound corny
But it’s the people who make the city
As interesting as this twisted town really is
You just gotta admit, it’s funny that incident
Some years when they took some ranch and injected 
It with a secret ingredient – or not secret, sperm
So much for public school because that’s what we learn
You can’t blame Staplink for not being a fan
Cuz all these hypocritical perverts aren’t part of this clan
So plan on hearing me rip all the facades to shred
I am burning all religious masks and putting the compost in a flower bed

This city gets a bad rap because of all the old churches
Saying it’s too prudish it’s like they’re folks gave them curses
For choosing to live in Bible-Banger City
I mock ‘em what a pity, you should live in a shifty city
Where bodies of brawds get dumped in the trash
And where strangers will shank you for some extra spare change  
Your thoughts are kinda wack like Megan Griffin’s hairy back
Did you bike without a helmet cuz your head is all cracked
Did you come in like a wrecking ball? Doubt it
You came in like a paper air plane, dag-nabbit!
Me? I’m responsible as Lisa Martinez is with her infant Jack


Wheaton Rap

Staplink