Part of me misses life in the basement of my mind 
Allowing anorexia and bulimia to control my life 
Just standing by while I watch these layers tare away from my skeleton 
Stomach so flat it’s almost cascading in 
The gap between my thighs growing so wide that when the food falls into my lap it drops straight to the ground. 
 Having collar bones so cizziled you could cut a slice of pie 
When I could pick up a size 5 and it would fit perfectly fine 
Part of me misses being so small I could fit into any space, no matter how narrow or tight it would be 
Or when I would always remain cold no matter the temperature spike. 
Back when I could go weeks upon weeks without consuming a single bite
Or when I found the loop hole that allowed you to eat what you pleased without having it stay in your stomach permanently
But then I remember how distorted my brain began to be. 
How when I looked in the mirror it was simply just a ghost staring back at me 
How I picked apart every part of my body. 
I was a slave to this disease
It made me believe that I would only be worthy if I collapsed without warning 
Only worthy if you could count all my ribs upon my bare skin
Only worthy if I could starve and not give in 
Only worthy if I were thin 
But I would never wish to go back there again -
Never wish to poke at the volcano in my stomach that’s just waiting for it’s chance to erupt again
Never wish to be a walking corpse that’s just rotting away from every limb 
I will never allow those chains to wrap themselves around my mind, holding me hostage. 
Sometimes the voices get so loud it’s so hard to not give back in, but never again will I step back into the abyss 
Because no matter how much I miss being thin, I know being healthy and happy is a much greater way to live 
And why would I want to put my self in a position where I would drop dead, when our future together has given a reason to live. 
Thank you for giving me a reason to fight back against it
With you by my side I will no longer be fenced in

basement

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The Eden Project - Circles

wide awake

the crow

teenage dream

a house, a home, a window
you were here before the floorboards broke
in on themselves like black holes
are the promises you keep
just for people that you want

because you can't read any of our old conversations
but i read them so often it's like we still talk

you said remembering would feel too much like moving back home

i can't help falling in love with you.

mediocre poet trying to get my words out into the world

basement

static screen

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