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Rearrange My World / There’s a Field (That's Only Yours)

Rearrange My World

There’s a Field (That’s Only Yours)

By Carl Butterfingers, ESEF News

BREAKING NEWS: In a scandal that has rocked the music industry, or at least the three people who still care about credits, a man was apprehended last night clutching a Best Producer award that, shockingly, did not belong to him. The suspect, known only as "Dava," was allegedly the ghost producer for Doctor Printer, the drum and bass superstar renowned for his iconic releases of stylized Instagram photographs with his hands in the air and pre-recorded sets that move crowds to tears.

Our investigative team revealed how Dava the Ghost Producer slipped through the industry’s so-called "security measures", all thanks to Bobbi "The Gatekeeper" McAllister, the self-proclaimed "arbiter of real music" (who, it turns out, couldn’t spot a ghost producer if they haunted his own playlist).

When pressed, he added, "Also, I was at a rooftop party when I listened to it. The bass sounded great over the speakers, so I figured, ‘Why overthink it?’"

Sources reveal that the award was mistakenly given to Dava after the jury, comprising of two Spotify algorithm engineers and a man who once DJ'd at a wedding, believed that the people who actually create the music should receive the credit.

"This is an outrage!" declared an anonymous industry insider (who may or may not be Doctor Printer's publicist). "In today's music landscape, producing a track is the least important part of being a producer. What matters is owning a UK passport, a small family loan of £1 million, and a farm of Eastern European ghost producers working in shifts to launch your album on mainstages while you post gym selfies."

Doctor Printer released a statement: "I am shocked—SHOCKED—that anyone would think I don’t make my music. Next, you’ll tell me my Instagram poses aren’t spontaneous. I stand by my artistic vision, which is mostly pointing at the crowd and occasionally tweaking a filter knob."

Award Jury Spokesperson: "Look, we just assumed the guy with the laptop was the intern. Our bad. We just work here." Or we were just doing our jobs?

Dava: "I just wanted my mum to be proud of me for once." (He was last seen applying for a UK visa.)

When the jury mistakenly gave Dava the award, Bobbi the self-appointed guardian of "real music" was shocked, not because the wrong person won, but because he didn’t even know Dava existed.

Wait, there’s a real producer behind Doctor Printer?" Bobbi reportedly asked. "I thought he just, like, vibed in the studio while his team did the work?"

When reached for comment, Bobbi simply said: "Look, if Dava had have just tagged me in an Instagram story with 🚀🔥💯, maybe I would’ve noticed. But no, he had to take the hard road. Amateur mistake. The award needs to be revoked."

After the scandal broke out, Bobbi tried to spin the narrative: "Look, ghost production is just collaboration with extra steps… and money… and no credit's Dava should be grateful for the exposure!" He then allegedly offered Dava a consolation prize: a repost on his "Underrated Gems" playlist (which has 47 followers, 12 of whom are bots).

The Bigger Problem: Why Was Bobbi in Charge?
Sources reveal Bobbi’s qualifications for being a gatekeeper included:

- Owning a pair of "studio-grade" headphones (that he mostly uses for podcasts)
- Once getting a co-sign from a DJ who later turned out to be a literal ghost (long story)
- Using co-working spaces, paid for by his trust-fund
- An unwavering belief that "if it charts, it’s art"
- An unwavering belief that all his friends will chart

Meanwhile, the scandal has ignited a firestorm in YouTube comment sections, where armchair critics are doing what they do best: comparing everything to something else.

This is Carl from ESEF News reporting, reminding you: if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.

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Mare Nubium /ˈnjuːbiəm/ (Latin nūbium, the "sea of clouds") is a lunar mare in the Nubium basin on the Moon's near side. The mare is located just to the southeast of Oceanus Procellarum.

Presave

NUBIUM SLAP

TIMELESS MIRROR

BILLAIN - DYSTOPIA feat. RAWTEKK

CENTURION

STREAM / DOWNLOAD SERPENTINE NOW:
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‘Space Angel’ is a track inspired by ‘Neon Genesis Evangelion.’ The track is meant to evoke feelings of awe infused with discomfort. A combination of searing distortion and gut wrenching basses makes for an incredibly intense experience to any listener. The intense sections of the track are meant to describe a mind bending, psychological fight scene. The outro then describes the traumatic aftermath of such a fight. 

Artwork by @false-noise

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