attachment pods

Some of us believe (subconsciously) that someone else is responsible for our lives; hoping and praying they deliver… and complaining when they don’t. Unfortunately chasing, coercing or manipulating to get others to cooperate is a losing proposition. Because how long will it last? And really, for what reason? What part of us needs to be rescued when we are so fixated on what someone else needs to provide?

Often, people who have given up their power to someone else in order to be rescued have a story. Perhaps that story is that they’re unlovable, or that they give and give to the point that people stomp all over them (giving to get, by the way, is a form of control and manipulation). Many don’t even understand why they are compelled to operate this way. But if you stop for a moment at look at why you want to be rescued, you may see that it’s attached to a very OLD need rather than the current truth. And even if you realize this on some level, you may still continue to grab hold and ignore the triggers inside because you’re conditioned to believe the solution lies outside of you. Well, it doesn’t.

Isn’t it time to understand your old beliefs and triggers so you can feel more in control of yourself, rather than think you can get what you want 24/7 from someone else? Tune in to hear more.

Journey Of Attachment Being Rescued

I used to believe I would be found out to be a fake or a phony. That my fatal (invisible) flaw would finally be discovered. It turns out this is not a unique fear. Many people currently feel this, or did feel it at some point in their lives. It’s very common with work, but this podcast focuses on feeling like a fraud with friendships. A lot of us try very hard with our friends: rescuing, fixing, congratulating, consoling, etc. Sometimes it’s very sincere, but other times it’s because we think it’s the “right” thing to do in order to be loved, accepted and labeled as a “good friend.”
 
This topic was born from a few conversations where I realized we have no guide for keeping friendships going, and for some of us, we lose them even when we try hard to maintain them. Recently one of my clients said, “I don’t know how or why I lose friendships, but I do, and I guess part of me is just used to it.” This wasn’t said from lack of awareness or victimhood; it was said very matter-of-fact. This got me thinking about how many of us have insecurities around friendships, asking “Am I doing enough? Being open enough? Helping out enough?” And, more importantly, “Am I having fun here?”
 
In the past, I would give the shirt off my back for a friend and still feel it wasn’t enough. I have discovered many others feel the same. In this podcast I dive into how we measure friendship, how self-acceptance plays a big role in how you show up for other people and how you can establish better, more authentic relationships.

Why We Try To Be A “Good Friend” And Often Fail

Many of us with insecure attachment issues created fantasies as a child in order to escape reality and survive. To support those fantasies, we developed tools to use whenever the outside world conflicted. My tools were perfectionism and people-pleasing, which I used to keep me from being alone and abandoned. We may have created several fantasies, but there is often one dominant pattern (avoiding abandonment was mine). Fantasy worked really well when I was a kid. It allowed me to check out of my home environment, and gave me hope that things would get better when I didn’t want to be where I was. I would create fictitious characters in my head, making anything possible. 
 
The problem is, we bring these fantasies, and the tools to support them, into adulthood. They continue to “work” in the way they were designed, but they no longer serve us and often lead to dysfunctional relationships rather than fulfillment. I went from one dysfunctional relationship to another, on one level seeing reality, but on a another level I was still caught up in the hope that my fantasy just might become reality. It’s a painful place to live and I cannot tell you how far in the past that is for me. No fantasy surpasses reality because emotional presence FEELS better. It builds confidence, which is really important in breaking those old patterns. If you are confident in yourself and your ability to live in reality, those old tools are no longer needed.

Journey Of Attachment: Breaking Out Of Fantasy Land

Do you ever tire of fighting life? Have you realized yet that YOU are in the driver’s seat, crashing into the wall? Life doesn’t work very well when we force it, and it certainly doesn’t lead to fulfillment. That’s because when you crowd the space with strategies to resist and control what is, you don’t give life the chance to deliver the good stuff. When you’re so focused on what you think you want, barreling ahead without a crack open for something you haven’t orchestrated, you arrive to find something missing.
 
When in a state of resistance, we push against the natural flow of life, taking actions that further enmesh us in resistance. Instead of releasing us, these actions tie us up even further, frustrating us because we aren’t getting what we “want.”  Why should life, which has been going on for billions of years without your input, suddenly need to be set up perfectly for it to be successful? Can’t you be fine no matter what life chooses to do? Yes, you can, but your rigid rules about how life is supposed to be keep you stuck in resistance. Those rules say your happiness is dependent on the external, which you have no control over. And if you DO end up getting what you want, it’s often anti-climactic.
 
Instead of feeling the heaviness and tension that comes from resisting, try surrendering to what is. Accept what’s in front of you. Even though it’s uncomfortable to deal with your emotions, disappointment and stubborn ideas of how you want your life to be, it actually makes life easier. Little miracles start to happen when you let go and accept. I know because I’ve tried it and I’m hooked! When you stop pushing against life and allow its mysteries to unfold, things start to change… and some pretty amazing opportunities show up.

Path Of Resistance: Stop Fighting Life

You’ve been on a personal growth path and the self-love is flowing; you’re really starting to value yourself. You’re finally done with dysfunctional relationships and are ready to step into a healthy, happy one. So how do you do it? For insecurely attached people, it can be a challenge to date someone who is available. That boogey man you think you’ve dealt with will peek its head out, wreaking havoc in your mind. You get triggered, and find fear in the strangest of places when you engage with this emotionally available person.
 
Dating this way is like moving into a whole new arena. Being open and vulnerable means you are no longer hiding out, or coming up with your next mental strategy. But having someone consistently share their feelings (you know they like you, and you know where you stand with them) can create an internal struggle between your desire for a healthy relationship and those old patterns and beliefs which still have some kind of grip on you. So what do you do?
 
Growth isn’t easy, but you have to stick with it. You have to show up being totally responsible for yourself; no blaming or pointing fingers at the other person. You have to be honest about what you’re feeling, and openly share it. Many people say they want a healthy, happy relationship, but they aren’t willing to do the work to get there. You’re at a crossroads, and the only way to have what you say you want is by being in a relationship where your insecurities are triggered. Listen in if you’re ready to put action behind those words.

Dating Available Vs. Unavailable People

I used to put so much effort into past relationships because I realized I never felt good enough… or deserving… or having much value. I thought by “doing enough” I could “be enough,” so the effort and the struggle continued for years. I did not recognize that mentally trying to come up with solutions to my perceived shortcomings was keeping me stuck in a merry-go round of pain as an adult. I was thinking about this recently as I was walking and wondered, “Wow, did I EVER feel good enough?”

This belief stemmed from not feeling accepted as a child (something I recognized in hindsight), which pushed me to mentally be somebody else… somebody who I thought would be accepted and deserving of love and attention. I met the demands of others instead of doing what I felt inside. It took considerable effort to be someone else, which carried over into my adult relationships. I thought that’s what I had to do to be accepted; it was my pattern. So I ended up in relationships where I got little to no attention, took on all the burdens, played the martyr and the victim, because that’s what I knew. I would then put forth a lot of effort, which of course got me nowhere, resulting in me beating myself up for not doing enough. I lived in a constant state of self-punishment and need for validation. See how easily this cycle perpetuates itself?   

When you have an internal feeling of lack, there’s an urge to overcompensate. You feel you need to do, do, do instead of just be. And unless you recognize this comes from something inside you, you will continue attracting partners who don’t give you what you need, making you feel like you have to work for their love, then feeling like a failure when it doesn’t work. It’s time you look inside yourself to identify the old beliefs that are running the show so you don’t pass up someone who requires nothing more of you than simply being… you.

Journey Of Attachment: Not Being Good Enough

Feeling your feelings matters if you are interested in a truly fulfilling life and general sense of wellbeing. It’s hard to do because our patterns of thought attempt to “save us” from our emotions. We become overwhelmed by them, which is why we tend to avoid or compartmentalize, keeping our emotions at a distance. Many of us learned this in childhood. When we felt hurt, sad, lonely or unloved, we didn’t want that pain, so we disconnected. And that pattern carried over to adulthood where it has kept us stuck in fantasyland. It’s safer to believe an unrealistic or ideal story than to pay attention to how we actually feel about reality.
 
We live in fear of our feelings, keeping us stuck and unable to move forth. If we fear a situation will bring us pain, we avoid it. This leads to anxiety and discomfort… which just creates MORE feelings of unease. It really behooves you to feel what is there so you can unpack the pain-filled closet and let it go. When you stop resisting your emotions and let them out, it’s like releasing a pressure valve; each time you do it you release a little more pain. If you don’t, it will undermine all of your attempts at a positive sense of wellbeing.
 
Learn how to break the pattern of avoidance and change this dynamic with yourself. If you’re in a painful relationship, or can’t get over a past one, the only way out of the quagmire of negative emotions is to feel them. When faced with choosing to avoid your feelings or allow, always allow. I promise you’ll not only survive, you’ll actually start to see changes.

Journey Of Attachment Feeling Your Feelings

As a kid, if you felt alone or abandoned (whether family was physically present or not), you learned to believe that was normal. Alone became safe because it’s what you knew. Fast-forward to your adult life where this manifests as a fear of ending up with 22 cats and a black-and-white TV. Because of your belief, you find it hard to connect with people. You may think no one “gets you” and that all your relationships are ultimately doomed, but you work hard at the mediocre ones because it’s better than ending up with 22 cats. You’re afraid of being alone, but at the same time your actions lead you toward it because it’s what you think you deserve.
 
Maybe you take on all the responsibility in a relationship so it makes it harder for your partner to leave (it doesn’t), but you also avoid intimate connections. You settle for breadcrumbs because you think it’s all you can handle. If someone offered you the full loaf, you wouldn’t know what to do with it anyway. All of this validates the “I am alone” belief, which gives you a sense of comfort on one hand because it’s familiar, but it also robs you of peace and well-being. 
 
From my experience working with clients over the years, this is one of the most prevalent and hardest beliefs to kick. The lengths people will go to support it is astonishing, yet they have no clue they’re doing it. It’s subconscious sabotage. Breaking down the “I am alone” belief takes patience and emotional courage, but once you do, you will realize how YOU were the one keeping yourself single. You’ll see how all of your actions and patterns fed into your myopic perspective of what was possible. There is a whole universe beyond your negative beliefs, and once you start to discover them, surrender, accept, be open to receiving and say “I don’t know” with a sense of wonder for what’s possible, you will find yourself on the other side of “I am alone” for good.

How You Perpetuate The “I Am Alone” Belief In Your Life

Early childhood is where avoidant seeds take root. If you fall into this category of insecurely attached Avoidants, you probably developed a pseudo-independent identity, going to great lengths to prove you could take care of yourself. You acted like a little adult, holding yourself to pretty strict standards. This self-sufficiency carried over into actual adulthood where you had little or no desire to seek help and support from others. “I’m fine,” you’d say, when you were anything but. 
 
This self-containment becomes threatened inside intimate relationships. We avoid vulnerability because revealing our true selves may lead to rejection or abandonment. This results in not fully committing; we keep one foot out so we can focus on other distractions. Or we avoid relationships altogether, coping with our repressed emotions and asserting our “independence” by resisting vulnerability and intimacy. But then attachment needs kick in, activating anxiety over the fact we’re alone. What a painful pattern to live in, right? This is the Anxious/Avoidant attachment type at play.
 
That was me for a long time—my mom actually used to call me her little soldier. But it IS possible to change. The pattern was learned, so it can be unlearned. What it really comes down to is your value. You may put on a brave, confident face (and wear your independent badge of honor), but underneath is the fear of being found out. You protect yourself by choosing safe partners who do not trigger you, therefore keeping your façade intact where your true self can remain a mystery. This doesn’t feel good or lead to a fulfilling existence. It just keeps you stuck in those old patterns and beliefs around your perceived value. In this podcast I’ll provide some tools to release you from this self-made prison so you can open up to receive the support every human needs and deserves.

Journey Of Attachment: All About Avoidants

Many of us think we’re complicated; we’re “too much” in certain ways and “not enough” in others. This creates heaviness and struggle because we believe we’re difficult to figure out. It’s really just a mental construct, however, designed to keep our defenses up so we can avoid anything emotionally that might challenge this perception. We THINK we allow people in when we feel a swirl of intense emotions, but that intensity is based on past, unresolved issues rather than the present relationship. These past fears (rejection, abandonment, etc.) create our perception that we are not good enough, yet at the same time we’re too much to handle. It all feels very complicated, like we come to relationships with piles of luggage.
 
Fortunately, this is not the only way to live; there is a choice. To stop complicating your relationships, get in touch with your true wants and desires. This happens at the level of the heart, by the way, not the head. Your head is what complicates everything. When you vulnerably state your desires to your partner and act in accordance with them, the complexity unravels and a sense of ease results. You essentially bulldoze the B.S. you’ve been telling yourself, allowing yourself to be open to the unknown.  
 
My clients tell me all the time they are a lot to handle, which is familiar because I used to say the same thing. When I look at my relationship now, however, there is no “handling” of who I am because I already let go of my old façade. Once I connected with who I was and what I wanted, I was able to surrender, releasing the struggle I had previously created. It’s a shift from living mentally to living emotionally, and while it requires the discomfort of vulnerability, it really is a simpler, more fulfilled existence. We are ALL enough. The complexity we’ve identified with ourselves isn’t real—it’s just a means of avoiding our true selves.

Too Much And Not Enough; How We Complicate Relationships

It takes so little to trigger the feeling of abandonment; only the fear of him or her leaving, even if it is somewhere you believe to be reasonable. Many of us end up with people who aren’t sincerely on the same page with us and we may even emotionally beat ourselves up while we grip tightly because of it. We want out, but man oh man, we are ready to flip out if this person leaves us for any length of time. The funny part is, if you imagine you’re with him/her, and you feel like you want to go do your own thing, but he or she leaves at some point, you miss them… unreasonably so. It becomes intense. The intensity is related to our feelings of abandonment. No rational thinking takes away the anxious feeling of needing to hear from them, knowing they haven’t really left us. In reality they may just be at work.
 
I remember someone telling me she only missed her mate when he was at work. It is the thrill of the fear. In other words, the intense anxiety makes us feel more value for the relationship than is really there. It’s an illusion. It comes from the lack of value we have in ourselves, and needing validation from someone who doesn’t want to give it. And even if they do, it doesn’t matter because no one can fill the space inside.
 
The disconnection we feel when the person leaves, or we fear they will leave, can drive us to go against ourselves and make the most together person have a hard time hiding the “crazy” they feel. The pattern with insecure attachment relationships is the feeling of inconsistency. So much inconsistency keeps us going through abandonment every day! Learn how mindfulness and self-awareness can help you, along with settling your own reactions and feelings around abandonment, so you can live your life on your own emotional terms.

Journey of Attachment: Fear of Abandonment

How much do you participate in your relationships? Not just romantically— I’m also talking family, friends, co-workers, etc. Do you put forth effort, or do you look for the other person to do all the work? We may think we put energy toward relationships, but some of us wait for signs that it’s safe to proceed because we don’t want to put forth effort unless we’re sure the other person will reciprocate. Being in that place, however, doesn’t feel good. It’s actually quite lonely and makes us feel powerless. I’m not suggesting you should pull all the weight yourself (that’s a whole separate topic), but you need to look at where you hold back and why.

Fear underlies our unwillingness to participate—fear that we’ll be engulfed or appear needy. Fear that the other person is somehow doing us a favor by being in our life, and wondering if they really even like us. Growing up we may not have learned what it takes to be an active participant in relationships, so we might take the passive approach and believe if people want us around, they’ll call. And then we have to decide to come out of hiding and engage or stay closed. In dating, when we’re not connecting because we’re waiting for the other person to “do it first,” we’re leading with fear. And in these cases, we’re just as responsible for the state of the relationship as the other person. Vulnerability and intimacy are essential. We have to open up and say what is true for us instead of waiting until we feel safe, which won’t come from outside of us anyway.

The next time you find yourself holding back, look at your “why.” What are you afraid of losing… or maybe even gaining? What negative belief is operating? Do you think something is wrong with you or that you’re not worth the other person’s time and attention? It all comes back to you. To have healthy relationships that aren’t lopsided, you need to start fully participating.

Relationships Take Two to Tango. Are You In or Out?

Many people fall into a mental trap when working on themselves. They think, “If I know it, I can change it.” Yes, self-awareness is critical because you can’t change what you’re not aware of, but nothing really changes if it stays at the level of the intellect. When you have a mental understanding, that information fits within your existing belief system, becoming a strategy. Many of us in insecurely attached relationships tend to take this new information and apply it to the object of our desire. We don’t necessarily apply it to ourselves emotionally.
 
Change comes from feeling, not thinking. It’s like listening to this podcast. Either you’re going to take an emotional risk or you’re going to say, “Oh, yes, I get it. That makes sense! Maybe I’ll try that later when it’s safe.” Unfortunately waiting for “safe” means waiting forever. If you don’t embrace the fear and discomfort that comes with emotional risk, you’re just playing a game of mental ping pong. Intellectualizing your life leads to repeating the same things over and over. In an insecurely attached relationship you will go over the same dynamic when you intellectualize or strategize change. And change is an illusion when it remains in someone else’s hands… not your own. 
 
Many of us are willing to take mental risks, but not emotional ones. So what’s an emotional risk? Speaking your truth; showing the real you; expressing what you’ve been repressing; detaching from outcomes. The greatest job, relationship, etc. won’t matter if you mentally manage your life. That isn’t where fulfillment stems from. If you do it emotionally, it will be different.

Journey of Attachment: Why Intellectualizing Change Doesn’t Work

There are so many ways we don’t love and value ourselves—in work, relationships, etc. A lot of us don’t even know what it MEANS to love ourselves because there is no functional knowledge of what a healthy relationship is. We may think we know, but it’s usually based on unrealistic expectations. Our partners are actually a mirror for us; we attract people exactly where we are as far as emotional health and availability. If we’re closed off and look for someone who is more open, thinking they can help US be more open, we won’t find them because that’s not what we’ll attract. In order to attract and receive love, you need to have love for yourself. The focus needs to be you, not the other person.
 
There are many ways to look at self-love, but when it comes to attached relationships, the best place to start is by dispelling the fantasy and looking at reality. Look at your choices and why you make them. Look at how you hold other people responsible for your emotions. See others for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Deal with the disappointment of your relationship not living up to your expectations. Self-love ultimately comes down to self-responsibility. Take a hard look at your role instead of feeling like a victim. That’s how you take care of you. That’s how you value you. That’s how you start down the path to self-love, which leads to truly, authentically loving others… and being truly, authentically loved in return.

Journey of Attachment: Lack of Self-Love

This topic comes from an email inquiry I received about a push/pull relationship between a woman and her partner. Things seemed to be going well for her; she felt they were growing together. From her perspective it is he who pulled away, and so began the pulling away and pushing for supposed intimacy. She wanted to know how to continue being open, as part of her own growth, but also how determine if/when it’s time to move on.   

This all comes back to control and our focus on other people. This woman wanted to lasso her partner and control his actions. Not consciously, but when we focus on others, it’s what we do. Our behavior is an attempt to get them to do something (or not do something). We manipulate (or try to) by showing them the behavior we want in an effort to “teach” them. But that’s not our role and it doesn’t work because for the other person to change, it has to come from an emotional place within themselves… not because they’re mimicking our behavior. We all know when we are being manipulated. This is why things may go well for a while, then revert back to “normal.” The push/pull dynamic doesn’t work without both parties participating. 

Change is hard for everyone and we can’t force it on others. They have their own crap! All you can do is act consistently from your heart. Hard to do when you’re fixated on someone else’s behavior. It’s to behave consistently by respecting and loving yourself regardless of what your partner does. That’s part of self-love. Trying to push self-awareness on others so they become aligned with your growth doesn’t work… even if you really, really want it to.

Journey of Attachment: The Pain of a Push/Pull Relationship

Anxiety and insecure attachment often go hand-in-hand. I’ve thought about this a lot recently because my boyfriend has no real concept of anxiety and that horrible feeling I used to have that I might die. Why? Because he’s securely attached. It’s helped me see how far I’ve come in my own growth because I don’t suffer like I used to, but at the same time I realize how much anxiety played a role in my life, especially with the partners I chose. I used to pick men who had their own issues around insecure attachment, which reflected all of my insecurities and perpetuated this cycle of unease. Healthy relationships based in secure attachment are NOT characterized this way, but I didn’t have a clue; I thought my relationship experiences were perfectly normal.

If you’re not honest with yourself about who you’re choosing and why, you’ll keep focusing on people who reflect your own insecurities, increase your anxiety and aren’t available for emotional support. When in an anxious state, you don’t make choices based on what you want… you unknowingly make them out of fear. You choose relationships that enable you to relive childhood fears of abandonment, creating a constant state of insecure anxiety. To become more secure, you have to consistently connect with those out-of-control feelings. You have to stop engaging in behavior which perpetuates the cycle of making your problems worse, and look at where you are emotionally closed. When you’re able to get to the point where you’re no longer watching the other person to see what happens, it’s a sign you’ve loosened anxiety’s grip on you.

Journey of Attachment: Choosing Partners To Ensure You Stay Anxious

No one wants to be called “needy” or “clingy,” so if you’re exhibiting this kind of behavior, you may be afraid to recognize and acknowledge it. It’s the last thing you want to admit to, especially if you fear judgment for it. Usually, you are in a relationship where you feel your needs are ignored or you have to be extra-special to get them fulfilled. Your image starts to crack, revealing your neediness. Then the shame kicks in because you do NOT want that label.

Neediness comes from a deep need to be validated and not abandoned by someone else. Maybe you feel misunderstood by your partner, and have this burning desire for him/her to understand you. But when that attempt fails, the walls close in and you feel out of control so you cling even tighter, while simultaneously feeling ashamed for your actions. It’s like watching a bad movie you can’t turn off. But blaming yourself for these needy feelings and actions only perpetuates the problem, reinforcing the negative beliefs your neediness triggers. You are your own worst judge, and it becomes a shame storm of biblical proportions.

If you find yourself in this situation, realize it’s about you and your negative beliefs; it has nothing to do with the other person and what they did or didn’t give you. All they have done is trigger what already lives inside of you. Seeking validation from someone else that you’re ok will keep you stuck in the needy cycle. So how do you get out? This may be surprising, but don’t try to halt your neediness because that will just keep the energy trapped inside you. If you’ve already started down that path, let the crazy out. Then, feel the shame. It’s awful, but the more you hide from it the worse it is. When you connect with your feelings and build your value, you won’t need to cling because you’re getting what you need from yourself.

Journey of Attachment: The Shame of Being Needy

It’s hard to watch someone you care about being disrespected. You might even get pissed and wish you could control their reaction, wanting to yell out, “Why do you let him/her treat you that way?!” Maybe YOU even start treating them badly because they’re teaching you that behavior is ok. It’s not conscious—you’re just picking up on their modeling. So, what signals are you giving other people about how to treat you?

Let’s say your partner is complaining about how their brother treats them. You’ve heard it over and over—the brother never calls, he’s never supportive, etc. And yet, if that brother needs help, your partner is the first to jump up and volunteer. It’s frustrating and painful. Perhaps you bring it up and your partner gets defensive, tempting you to show them the same level of disrespect they are showing themselves. It’s hard to let them do whatever they are going to do without jumping on the disrespect bandwagon because that’s the behavior they are modeling… and humans learn a lot from modeling.

When someone’s behavior triggers you and your reaction is to treat them poorly, catch yourself. Instead of mirroring their behavior, show compassion. Understand you can’t control what they do or how they allow themselves to be treated; it’s all based on their belief system, coming from a place of pain or insecurity. Doing this will also make you more aware of your own signals, and how you’re teaching others to treat you.

Teaching People How To Treat You

When you’re not happy with your current situation—whatever it is—you may feel angry. You think you’re pissed at the outside world, but really your anger lies with yourself. You don’t accept where you are; it’s not where you want to be. So in an attempt to quell your anger, you try to control other people, forcing your will upon them and manipulating them to do what you want. This provides a distraction so you don’t have to take responsibility for the choices you have made.

This happens quite often in unhealthy relationships. You beat yourself up for being in a situation you can’t get out of, but you don’t own your role in staying. The end result is anger. Why did the universe put you here? Until you take responsibility for your choices, you will continue to be the angry victim, thinking everything and everyone is conspiring against you. Anger feels powerful and comfortable because it’s a familiar emotion. It enables a sense of self-righteousness: It’s not ME who is causing this, it’s everything around me. All this does, however, is keep you stuck in wanting your external world to change, which is the opposite of empowering

The next time you’re angry at your situation (for many of you that’s right now!), look at the choices you made to get where you are. You always have a choice, even if it’s simply the perspective you take to look at things. Anger is a choice. So you can continue down that path, being angry at the world, or you can accept that you got yourself here. Not someone else… YOU. There is no power in anger; power comes from taking responsibility for your decisions. Start owning your role and anger will slip away.

Controlling Others So You’re Not Angry With Yourself

Your relationship isn’t going well. You don’t feel heard or appreciated, but you think if your partner would just try harder to do what you want him/her to do consistently, you’d feel better. Instead, you feel undermined because your feelings are dismissed; clearly you are “imagining things.” You’re angry, yet you remain in a stalemate with this person with you blaming and them defending. Even if you “get” your mate to change, things will resume to the way they were pretty quickly because the desire to change is coming from you, not them.

You may not see this as a game of manipulation, but it is. You’re trying to control your partner, making him/her do what you want. Feeling disregarded or disrespected can be painful, but it is a reflection of your own beliefs and insecurities—not the shortcomings of your partner. If you need your partner to be someone other than who they are, it’s time to turn the mirror around and ask what you’re not giving to yourself. Instead of pointing out their inconsistencies, look at your own. A partner isn’t a band-aid for what you’re unwilling to see in yourself.

As with everything in relationships, it starts with YOU. You are an equal participant, so stop distracting yourself by thinking they are the problem. To have an open-hearted relationship, you need to be open-hearted. Ask what expectations you have of your partner and why. Are those expectations based in reality or fantasy? What does happiness look like for you? If you need someone to change to make you feel ok, get to the core beliefs behind it. Manipulation just leads to struggle. Isn’t it time to look at why you’ve chosen this person and what they’ve allowed you to avoid in yourself?

attachment pods

Stuart Dods