Don't Mess With Big John

HEDEX, BOU - ID LEAKED (UNRELEASED)

[Verse 1]
I'm calling out
For your angel, God
Yeah, one of your people are missing
I'm addicted to so much now
See, I went into that place and just drank a little bit, yeah, when I was hanging out with my friends, you know
Yeah, now they got me on the diazepam, 5 milligrams, you know, two times a day, yeah
On that, I feel like a zombie, they got even, they got some other stuff that they want for me to take, yeah
Adabilify, Ativan, Lorazepam, Risperdal — all these pills they hand me like candy in my palm
They asked me to take whatever, I don't even know, this Adderall, little bit, you never know
Yeah, but there's a time, you know, I fruited all up, I told you what my strength in jail was even devolved, yeah
Anesthesia took me to another place, yeah, I felt the pain of every face, every single person's complaint
Their backs, their pressure, all their sighs, yeah, the thing that they—one guy had a black eye, yeah
I couldn't see out of my eye for a day, yeah
It wasn't puffy, but I could feel his pain

See, every person that I've seen in that place, I knew even if they were writers or what they needed, yeah
Father God was telling me everything that everybody needed, every word, every phrase, everything that I said, yeah, was a part of me
I know there was an angel inside of me, that's how I got out of that place, I know
You gave me the calmness, Father God, I thank you, but now I need something even stronger than love
See, I took it that, I took their poison, I'm addicted to it, I know it's destroying me
But I'm trying to fight off all the things that I need with something else, it's going to drive me insane
I know this beast has been a part of me a long time ago, 14 days, I was free again, yeah
Gave up the alcohol, but now they got me addicted to something else that I can't contain
How do I even feel? How do I even go?
Yeah, Father God, I need your love, I need your guiding love
Yeah, see the light, yeah, show me your way, show me another path to get off the poison today

[Verse 2]
See, I didn't even realize that I was making a story of my life, yeah, even The Vines didn't know, I see how they treat people
Get you hooked on something, then when they release you, you sit in there wishing you had something even new, yeah
You're addicted to something, that's how they got you
They got you crazy, now they're going to get you right back, they don't give you your medication, and then they got to monitor it, yeah
Your blood shot, blood sugar, and that
And if it doesn't go right, then you break, you know, you won't see something even looking for
There's a moment in your life, you know, now you're addicted to so much stuff that they've (I lost it)

Addicted

[Verse 1]
God, I’m here once again,
Staring at the wreckage, the bottles, the sin.
Everywhere I look, they’re on the ground, on the shelf —
Different sizes, shapes — I’ve lost myself.
Two shots, three, I don’t even know,
Four, six, seven, eighteen — here I go.
Thirty-two deep and I can’t see straight,
Self-destruction’s calling, and I’m tempting fate.
The monster’s on my back, I’ve tried to quit,
Fourteen days clean, then I fall right in it.
Father God, I don’t know how to get out,
This bottle’s my cage, and I’m full of doubt.

[Pre-Chorus]
The liquor’s killing me, pain in my spine,
Father God, I’m crying — is this my time?
You took my pain once, You made me whole,
But now I’m lost again, whiskey’s got my soul.
Demons in my dreams, they follow my light,
Everywhere I turn, they show up at night.

[Chorus]
Father God, take this away,
This disease that’s wrecking my brain.
I’m down on my knees, begging to stay,
Don’t let the bottle call my name.
It’s taken my soul, it’s taken my fight,
The holy inside me, swallowed by night.
Father God, please, take this away,
Break these chains before I fade.

[Verse 2]
Whiskey bottles — big and small,
They’ve built the walls that make me fall.
They’ve shaped my flaws, they’ve set the tone,
Now I’m drowning in what I call my own.
Father, You know I’m trying to stand,
But I’m holding a devil in my hand.
Every sip feels like goodbye,
Every tear burns as I cry.

[Bridge]
Father God, I need Your love now,
Show me mercy, teach me how.
I’ve seen the demons, I’ve felt their chase,
But only You can fill this space.
I’m on my knees, I surrender my soul,
Take the bottle — make me whole.

[Outro]
I’m here again, Lord, just like before,
Broken and bleeding on the floor.
But I believe You’ll hear me pray —
Father God, please, take this away.

Father God, Take This Away


[Verse 1]
Father God, I’ve been in the same place,
Been here, yeah, too many times.
I’m on a racetrack, going ’round and ’round,
Hoping I’ll be the last one out alive.
Yeah, every single time I’m on that old race course,
See everyone I’m passing by, of course.
I know, yeah, everything that’s going on these days,
And I’m still running in these same old ways.

[Verse 2]
Every car that passes me by,
Every person — soft, they cry.
I can see it in their eyes, deep in their soul,
Everything they want, everything they hold.
I’m on a racetrack, going ’round in circles,
Twenty other cars spinning with me in turmoil.
Trying not to hear one of them crash,
If I mess up, yeah, I’ll burn and smash.
Down the road, yeah, you hear another one go,
Death and destruction in my field of woe.
Father God, what am I supposed to do?
Every car I pass, I see the pain — I see it too.

[Verse 3]
Every one of us is on the same track,
Going ’round and ’round, can’t turn back.
Spinning wheels but getting nowhere,
Racing blind through the smoke-filled air.
On a journey, yeah, don’t know where it’ll go,
Can’t see the end, can’t take it slow.

[Verse 4]
On a journey, yeah, it’s hard to see,
So many lights in my destiny.
So many places I don’t want to go,
But the storm closes in — and I can’t say no.
Like I’m stuck in the eye of the hurricane,
Chasing the world, chasing the pain.
Father God, I’m trapped in this circular game,
Cars spinning ’round, all calling my name.
Anger and chaos surrounding me,
I see their eyes — the hurt, the need.
Father God, I’ve been on this racetrack too long,
Gotta find a way off before I’m gone.
I’m spinning ’round in the same place every night,
Every morning, same track, same fight.

[Verse 5]
What is this moan I hear?
Can you hear the echo, crying clear?
Down the circle, children cry,
Fires burning, smoke to the sky.
So many cars I’ve seen go past,
Death and destruction, shadows cast.
I just passed that wreck, I just saw that flame,
I don’t know anymore — Father God, I call Your name.
Everything I say seems to come true,
And I’m still on this racetrack, running to You.
Father God, please — get me off that track.

Racetrack

AbzNotAbdi returns with a Chinese culinary lyrical journey. 

Chinese Bars

I See You” is a soul-stirring journey through pain, empathy, and rebirth. It tells the story of recognizing someone’s suffering — because you’ve lived it too. With raw emotion and haunting honesty, it’s a mirror for anyone who’s fought their own darkness and begun to heal.

So deep, yeah, pain deep

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ABZTRXCK@GMAIL.COM

Grime, Trap, Drill I do em all m8

My name is John. I have been a broadcaster for five years and have been writing music and poetry for twenty years. I didn’t even realize I could read and write until I discovered I have mirror-touch synesthesia. I perceive everything from right to left: my poetry, words, and compassion. My childhood was challenging, to put it mildly. However, God showed me a way to help others through the words I share. Every song I write serves as a ministry. By addressing various issues, I hope to assist those with troubled pasts find healing through my words. I am a pastor, and this is how I spread God’s message—by feeling the emotions around me and understanding the feelings of the people I encounter, because I have experienced similar struggles. God allows me to see you in ways that others cannot.

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