Sleepless self discovers what he is most afraid of

Night Terrors

THE CRUELTY IS THE POINT

In fifth grade I had a close friend named Ryan.  We were the oddest pair in the class.  Teachers didn’t understand it.  Our classmates didn’t really get it either.  How could we be friends?  I was a nerd, he was a jock.  And we had very little in common.

I can’t prove it but I think Ryan’s stepfather was abusive, which is why he spent so much time at my house.  My parents were kind to him, as they were kind to all my friends, what few I had.  And despite our lack of common interests, there was a genuine exchange.  He taught me about sports, and I, nerd that I was, taught him about computers (which is deeply ironic because today I am a technophobe, having lost touch with computer science many many years ago).

Ryan was pretty full of himself.  Whenever he did a math problem at the blackboard, he’d sign his name “Ryan Lastname, Number 1”.  It was comical, really.  But for whatever reason, maybe it was out of pity, he befriended me and took me under his wing.  Because I had skipped a grade, he was a year older, 12 to my 11.  And the difference between 12 and 11 can be sort of staggering when you’re a kid.  Ryan wasn’t just a friend, he was someone to look up to for me, because he was older.

My parents had a camper trailer out in our back yard that they weren’t  using for anything.  And when Ryan spent the night at our place, which was often, that’s where we’d stay.  It was air conditioned and perfectly cool for hot summer nights between fifth and sixth grade.  Fifth grade was elementary school.  The impending sixth grade was middle school, quite an advancement for both of us.

In the trailer we discussed a lot of things, baring our souls as close friends do.  A lot of time we broached the topic of sex.  Ryan was a year ahead of me and was already in puberty, and I was not.  Ryan took it upon himself to teach me all the street slang that my parents wouldn’t let me in on.  Ryan had a girlfriend named Tammy, and that impressed me too.

Everything changed once we advanced to middle school.  Ryan began hanging out with a pair of sixth grade tough guys named Joe and Eugene.  Years later I heard through the grapevine that it was peer pressure that put Ryan up to it, but Ryan turned on me.  Joe and Eugene began a merciless campaign to make my life living hell, and Ryan, I imagine, was presented an ultimatum.  Us or him.  And Ryan chose Joe and Eugene.

I was like, what the hell, man, what did I ever do to you?  So I phoned Ryan and just asked him point blank, “Are… are we still friends?”

And he hung up on me.... 

(more text follows)

Alto Saxophone: David Nabb
Strings: Jeff Issokson

The Cruelty Is the Point

Radio Essay: How Dungeons and Dragons helped me during the COVID-19 pandemic

The Phoenix

One of many horror stories from being an RA during college

The Head

A reflection on loss and how travel and tears can help with the journey of recovery.

3000 Miles of Tears

Conversation with Trees

Dostoevsky in the Barn

In this episode we welcome guest hey Essay and discuss:
• Looking for compliments for being early
• How Yoruba is poetic
• Being too nice
• Road rage
• Commenting on Spotify
• Things said on the pod that we'd not allow spoken
• DV and if it's ever ok
• Getting aggressive with other peoplres children
• How Got Soul got started and Got Soul events
• Mount Rushmore of Neo Soul
• Promoting now compared to 20 years ago
• Pushing children in a direction you want for them for their benefit
• Reminiscing on old projects
• Delegating work
• Stav Apology to his Father
• #StavrosSays : Got Soul Events [https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/o/got-soul-events-7102543197]
• AITA for being petty with my partner for his innocent trick


Connect with our guest:
@heyessay1 on Instagram & @heyEssay on Twitter
@gotsoulevents
@thatrnbparty
@lovejonesuk

Connect with us at & send your questions & comments to:
#ESNpod so we can find your comments
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Eloquently Saying Nothing

ESN #508 : The Unfulfilled Potential Episode (Feat. hey Essay)

Early morning reflections on Georgia O'Keeffe and the woman I love.

Surreal Pillow

I write about my day, my emotional state and really really great moments.

Myriads of Brothers

I grew up listening to my dad's records in the '70s. Darkness on the Edge of Town, Who's Next, Zep IV. As an '80s teen, I became fascinated by rap music & loved Run DMC, but also consumed significant doses of Metallica. Pretty typical midwestern kid.

In my 20s, I was living in Iowa City, not working because I was just about to move to Santa Fe when my old college friend Michelle Rubin called with a mini-emergency & asked if I could go deliver some newspapers for the weekly ICON. I was busy packing up, but had plenty of time so said "sure". After I'd finished filling the vending machines around town, she handed me a couple tickets to a Paul K show at Gabe's later that night.

I didn't plan to go, but said thanks & went home & got back to packing. But as the evening wore on & I had a few beers, I figured I might as well take a break & go check it out, so I walked downtown.

With all apologies to Mr. K, I don't remember any of the music from that night except for two songs. He introduced them by saying he had just been at the wake for a recently deceased musician named Townes Van Zandt. I'd never heard of the guy before, but those next two cover songs, Lungs & Our Mother the Mountain changed my life. I walked out of there in a daze of wonderment. The universe had just opened up & played me some music that was exactly how I'd always wished music sounded, just didn't know it till right then.

I spent the next couple decades trying to play Townes songs & failing miserably. But the extended accumulation of all that determined failure, mixed in with a penchant for Surrealist poetry, Dylan harmonica, & John Lee Hooker's foot stomping added up to where I'm at right now. A quirky songwriter who mixes in Townes covers, spoken word pieces, & lotsa foot stomping with a little harp now & then. I'm really only just getting started as a performer & recording artist even though I'm in my 50s. Took me a while to put the pieces together, but better late than never!

Born Woolfinius Jackson Whürl to two itinerate circus gymnasts, Woolfin would grow tired of the performance life and would go on to seek quieter pastures as a painter and later a writer.

Eloquently Saying Nothing is a weekly podcast discussing current events, politics & entertainment whilst answering listener questions and dealing with lifes big issues, all with a dash of humour.

Find us @esnpodcast on all social media & use the #ESNpod hash to connect with us.
Please send long form questions, dilemmas and business enquiries to esnpodcast@gmail.com

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