you saw me again
but i never really left
cause i never really said 
what i ever really meant
so ill just pretend 
like im another man
who gave it a fucking chance
and got to hold your hand
but we never had a plan 
cause i buried it in the sand
and the next day you ran
and i said you can
don’t know why i say these words
when i know that it hurts
and i know that its yours
that’ll make me burn 
when im in front of your house
with gasoline and douse
myself and all my doubts
and ill say “sarah this is for you
and the pain you put me through
and i hate the fucking truth
and the truth is that its you
that caused all this shit
and now im gonna live
forever in your mind
until the day you die”
throw the match on the ground
“do you see me, sarah, now?
you have to see me now”
i cry and shout
and you’ll see me roll around
and you’ll hear how i sound
and i hope it makes you think
of every damn thing
that you’ve done to me
when you see me in your dreams
and ill never let you be
away from me

burn

those owls are outside my window tonight and i 
hear their passionate melody singing about from high
and they sing my name in the calmest rain
in my head i say "it’ll be okay"
and if i fall astray from my own hate 
i could end my pain
i guess i’ll find my fate 

been a few days i’ve been living in my bed
been a few days i’ve been stuck in my head
and i miss those few days when i was alive 
and i miss those few days when i had no disguise 
but i promise that i’m trying to get there 
and i promise that i’m drying my old tears 
and i haven’t given up on myself 
and i haven’t felt that down in a while but i 
i’m still not sleeping 
i’m still not eating 
i’m still mistreating myself 
and i’m still bleeding
but i’m still healing
and i’m still cleaning myself 
i hope i’ll find my help

trying

the night i found out

did you read those poems 
that i wrote for you
well i threw up
when i drew up 
those words 

you look like you miss me
maybe you would pick me
but he holds 
you close
god it’s gross

has he ever kissed you 
was it new 
well i grew too
without you

does he know your eyes yet
is he prettier than the sunset
is he all
you saw 
in me 

is he 6 ft over 
is he 2 years older 
is he there
does he care

gross

bad old song I wrote

i took a walk at dawn
and in the pond i saw two swans
they knew exactly where they belong
they knew exactly what they want 
but i dont know at all

in the trees i saw a fawn
his eyes they grew as he took off
across the lawn
cause how would he know the unknown
how would he know who to let close 
he’s cold and scared and alone
i’m cold and scared and alone
my body is not my own
everything has left my soul

everything is gone

i’ve taken no steps from where i was
i’ve awakened what’s slept under the blood
of who i was
of who i am
where i still stand
never understand
why i’m so damn
hard to turn away
from what betrays
it’s all a waste
of all this weight
i carry on
in these damn songs
i know i’m wrong
but where else does it belong
i can’t leave it 
so i’ll just bleed it through
die in my room

untitled-jul3

i’ll walk the same path twice
despite the things i write
i think i like the fight
i think i like the fright

fright

one day

i still hope you come around
i still go and look around this whole town 
for the right chance
to show where i stand

these are the worst things
and i’ve been worse since

i know i should leave it
but i think i just need a hit
just one more hit

of the worst things
i’ll be worse then

then i’d regret you like i should
then i’d forget you for good

maybe one day 
i’ll learn to not stay

jealousy

i hold my ground i won’t let down
until i’ve found what i’m without
i know you hate me i know you’d save me
but you won’t change me i’m what you gave me
but when i see you i still see you
no i don’t mean to but i still dream too
but god i hate you don’t know what made you
so afraid to have the same view
and you talk to me like when you knew me
can you see through me how you confuse me 
and you look at him how you look at him
how you looked at me when it was me then
but i could be them 

did he learn your birthmarks did he earn your hurt heart
did you set him apart from those in the dark
did i wait too long know i wasn’t too strong
was i gone too long did i go too wrong 
no he can’t know you how i was supposed to
i would have shown you i should have shown you 
well they all see you but they can’t be you
and they won’t see who 
who used to 
i used to 
no he can’t be you he’ll never be you 
like i used to

late

i’ll admit it i did it to myself 
when i quit it did you give it to someone else
know you weren’t mine to be upset
but i just don’t get how you forget
i wasn’t ready to say it yet
but i still miss what i’ll never get
but as long as you’re still laid with him
i’ll just try to forget the smell of your skin

you make it impossible
you know i’m irresponsible
i know it’s improbable
but if you want it too we’d be unstoppable
i know i kind of fucked it up
but i’m still waiting i’ll never give up
as soon as you come back to me
we’ll be what we always wanted to be
but as long as you’re still laid with him
i’ll just try to forget the smell of your skin

i should leave this town for good
it’s the only way i could
maybe find another girl
might have to search the world
find a girl who loves like you
tell her what we have is true
leave her one day out of the blue
then she’ll know how it feels too 

i’ll come running back to you
i don’t care what we’ve been through
cause you were the only love i knew
i just hope you need me too
but you’ll show me your shiny ring
so i’ll never tell you all those things
so as long as you’re still laid with him
i’ll just try to forget the smell of your skin

skin

i think i saw a ghost outside
he smiled at me and i said hi
he said bye 
and then i learned that nothings real
and no one knows how i feel
but i will heal
i’ve cut my neck i’ve cried in red
so i take my steps to find what’s left
but im misled 
i’ve searched every corner of this room
and every crack in these walls
but i can’t find
the life i led the love i fled
so i ask why
i can’t deny this is not my life
it’s all a lie
i’m staring at the moon tonight
my blinds are high it draws my eyes
as i sit here and sing my goodbye

oh take my life
bleed me dry
i will not cry
this is not my life
oh take me high 
where i can fly 
i will find my light
in another life

ghost

songs no one will hear 

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