in a lot of ways, i think depression robbed me of a lot of my childhood and my teen years. i think it stunted me emotionally at the same time it excellerated it. i could've sworn at 16 that i was an adult, and that i could handle the world on my own, but that was self destruction and anxiety speaking for me, finding a way to fantasize about running away and doing it on my own and 'not being depressed anymore'. as i found out in outpatient this last year, depression never really goes away. it's like grief, like a scar. 

and that's ugly. that's an ugly realization, especially when you're used to it coming and going. when it's going, my god is it gone. the sun is warm on my face. i can see tomorrow behind my eyelids. and then, like an innocent creak of the wind pushing a door open, depression seeps back into you like water into a rag. 

before probably 2017, mental health conversations didn't really exist in the way they do now. in this past year i've watched a lot of tv shows from the early 90s to the mid 2000s that involved a lot of conversation around mental health (pretty little liars, law n order, etc) except the conversation that was had was about how crazy you were, about how much of a nuisance you were, how your mental health was a weapon and that you needed to conceal it to better fit in. all media is a representation of culture at that time, and it makes sense to me as a person who grew up with those kinds of messages that those beliefs were things i held for years. people around me enforced those beliefs too. in 8th grade my counselor was convinced i was faking my panic attacks. 

i hit my breaking point in silence my senior year of high school with the boyfriend i had during that time. i was the most depressed i had ever been.  i missed a lot of school. i had to go on medication for depression. 

and i tried to talk to him about it. all of my friends had moved away for school. i tried telling him about what was happening with me. and every time i tried, i was met with things like "i don't know what you want me to do about it", "i can't hear this", and the biggest one "just don't tell me about it". 

this kind of language from someone i had an intimate relationship really broke me down. i was terrified to let anyone i loved into what was happening to me out of fear that i would be met with the same kind of coldness and apathy. it also meant that my friends and other partners of mine carried the weight of my mental health with me because i had no concept of boundaries or how to speak of it without setting unreasonable expectations around their support of me.  it set me back and even now i believe that my mental decline destroys everything i have. not that he should have been my therapist, if your trauma begins to traumatize someone else, you need to find another way. but it wasn't that. it was me needing someone in a way he wasn't ready to be needed. 

when him and i broke up, i made a goal to to never let anyone into my space who did not have empathy for me for what i was going through. someone who did not care whether i went to bed believing that i shouldn't wake up didn't belong in my life. 

so when i say, "i couldn't keep the face of a doll when i was unhappy", i mean it deeply. i want to yell it from rooftops. i want to scream it in the faces of everyone who made me feel like i was broken or horrible for needing to speak, even if it was a lot to hear. i never learned a proper outlet as a kid, because it didn't exist for me. i knew it hurt others, but it hurt me.

the reality of it is that everyone is capable of being sick in that way. the best thing we can do is be honest about it, to speak up when we need help, and be open to others when they are hurting. 


when we wrote this, i think it was the third song we wrote for this ep, i knew it had to be the title and the focus song. i had a title previously picked out, but this song was just begging to be the center. this song was the sun.

UNHAPPY

yanked this from the vault this morning bc it felt necessary. finalized draft I've  been conjuring since 2020

Joshua Lorenzo - XS x YDKM Ft. Nicki Minaj & Donell Jones

Just a little experiment with an iconic Rina track!!

Rina Sawayama - This Hell (Gorgeous Idiot Bootleg)

Mixshow edit of "This Hell" by Rina Sawayama <3

instagram.com/manrelic

Rina Sawayama - THIS HELL (Manrelic Edit)

My first cover for YouTube and SoundCloud.
I produced this cover in my little home studio, recording some of the sounds with objects from my house: a lighter, a glass, a bowl and a box.

Follow me here and on IG for more: @eqvilibre

True Story (cover)

Frankenstein Hardstyle Remix

(This Radio Show/Podcast is spoken in Spanish, but Music is a Universal Language..., so if you don't speak or understand Spanish, you can press play and enjoy too!!)

ACCEDE A WWW.PATREON.COM/DAVIDGAUSA PARA PODER ESCUCHAR EL PROGRAMA CON FORMATO COMPLETO Y EXTENDED (+2h 30min)
---
ACCESS TO WWW.PATREON.COM/DAVIDGAUSA TO BE ABLE TO LISTEN TO THE SHOW IN FULL AND EXTENDED FORMAT (+2h 30min)

----------------------

Si deseas descargarte la versión del podcast en formato abierto, entonces suscríbete a iTunes/Apple Podcasts haciendo click aquí: https://lnkfi.re/SutilSensations, o accede a http://www.davidgausa.com/es , y te puedes descargar todos los capítulos existentes!
---
If you wish to download the open format version of the podcast, then subscribe to iTunes/Apple Podcasts by click here: https://lnkfi.re/SutilSensations, or go to http://www.davidgausa.com/en , and you can download all the existing shows!

----------------------

DAVID GAUSA presents SUTIL SENSATIONS RADIO / Nº#453

Chris Lake & Sammy Virji feat. Nathan Nicholson 'Summertime Blues' - Black Book
CamelPhat with SOHN 'Turning Stones' (Mind Against Remix) - When Stars Align / The Nations
salute with Rina Sawayama 'Saving Flowers' - Ninja Tune
DJ Seinfeld 'If U Like Me' - Ninja Tune
LooFy 'Last Night' (Anyma & Layton Giordani Remix) - Nervous
Clüb De Combat 'House Anthem' (taken from 'Exciter' EP) - Diynamic
Mark Knight, Darius Syrossian, James Hurr 'I Got All This Love' - Toolroom
Jack Back & THEMBA 'Give Me Something To Hold' - Defected
---

TRACK OF THE WEEK / TEMA DE LA SEMANA 
UNKLE 'Only You' (&ME Remix) - VOD
---

THE TECH HOUSE ZONE
Cameron Jack 'Baby' (taken from 'Just Wanna Dance' EP) - Knee Deep In Sound
Larry Ababio 'Kinda Loving' - Abode 
Wh0 'Sunglasses' - Toolroom
Mau P 'On Again' - Insomniac
Max Styler 'Lights Out' - Experts Only
---

London Grammar 'House' (Solomun Remix) - Ministry of Sound
---

THE LAIDBACK ROOM / LA SALA 2 
Tourist 'Ithaca' (taken from 'Memory Morning' LP) - Monday Records
Abel Balder 'Doing Alright' - Abel Balder
---

DAVID GAUSA IN THE MIX: #CANELAFINA TAKEOVER

Helsloot feat. Malou 'It's Alright' - Get Physical 
Maz & Antdot 'Run' - Cercle
Adam Ten 'Magic Circus' - Life And Death
Frankey & Sandrino 'Blue Flash' (taken from 'Memories' EP - Innervisions 
Arude 'Who You Are' (taken from 'Constellation Series Vol. 3' VA/EP) - When Stars Align
Lykke Li 'I Follow Rivers' (BLR Remix) - Unreleased
Tal Fussman 'Even Rome Wasn't Built In a Day' (taken from 'Definition' EP) - Rekids
---

THE CLASSIC / EL CLASICO 
Cygnus X 'The Orange Theme' (Original 1994 Mix) - Eye Q Records
---

Sutil Sensations Radio Show/Podcast (Spanish Edition) - davidgausa.com / sutilrecords.com

Be a Premium Listener

Sutil Sensations #453 - 16th program season 2023/24! Open format version #HotBeats & #CanelaFina

Part 4/4 from BUNKER brat night on 6/27/2024.

brat summer - CRASH2

had this thought while stocking shelves at work lol

Rina Sawayama vs Gnarls Barkley - 10-20-40-Crazy

House Music to Slide Into Your Boss’s DMs for a Raise

Rina Sawayama - Comme des Garçons (Like The Boys) (The Leo Empire Parisian Club Blend)

original song by me in demo stage, made in 2018, sped up now.

carry ur battles demo summer 2018

vamos a la playa x alter ego x comme de garçons

Y'all I literally just found this on the hard drive last night like I don't even remember when I made this..........gag it though we love a mixolydian moment (and if you don't know what mixolydian means LEARN SOME THEORY!)

Jungle edit of:
"Beg For You" by Charli XCX & Rina Sawayama
"Choices" by Dawn Richard

Beg For You/Choices (MLE Jungle Edit)

Beg For You/Choices (MLE Jungle Edit) [Instrumental]

140BPM, Amin
free dl

some help with the cover by @juegomusic

Rina Sawayama - Minor Feelings (Tjerbor Remix)

I sing, write and produce.
I'm also funny and sad, welcome!🌱
IED Student - Sound Design

Posting DJ Mixes every week of 2025!


Track Submissions: TheRealAVHouse@gmail.com

Find All DJ Sets Here: https://www.youtube.com/@EddieAv3

this is my work station, everything is in progress.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCo6r_ezKgnpCx361fhK-eng

• The Capital’s calculated rave DJ
• House, Techno, DnB, (K)(Hyper)Pop +
• Flagship Resident bunkerdc.com

English:
David Gausa presents two hours of Sutil Sensations in Spanish, the best music and exclusives from the hottest labels on the global dance and electronic scene, from Sutil Records and David Gausa +exciting guest mixes from leading international DJs. Subscribe for free now on iTunes, Soundcloud, Mixcloud, Tune In or by using the RSS feed/FeedBurner and stay tuned! Tweet your feedback and comments on the show @davidgausa, or write on his Facebook wall: http://www.facebook.com/davidgausa. Press play and enjoy! 

Español:
El Radio Show / Podcast 'David Gausa presents Sutil Sensations', en su edición en Español, dos horas explorando la mejor música y exclusivas de los mejores sellos de la escena global del dance, underground y la electrónica. Sesiones con los mejores top DJs internacionales, y los próximos proyectos y noticias del mundo de Sutil Records y del propio David Gausa. Suscríbete gratis ahora en iTunes, a través de Soundcloud, Mixcloud, Tune In o mediante el RSS feed/FeedBurner y engánchate! Twittea tus comentarios y opiniones del show @davidgausa , o escribe en su página en Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/davidgausa. Press play y disfruta!

Bounce, heavy amounts.
Bass, just in case.

dofus: @faradayyy
1/2 of @lr2003

https://linktr.ee/tjerbor

info@juliannajoy.com
songwriter + artist
SOMEBODY CALL THE FIREMEN! out now

https://www.tiktok.com/@joshua_lorenzooo
producer. singer. rapper. a bit ghetto
if you dont get me or my music taste just think about lauryn hill and skrillex having a child. 

mixtape under construction

@fragilefacades
@officialneoperreo
mgmt & bookings: 
fakecityquietpills@gmail.com

Producer // DJ
TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@manrelic

New tracks tagged #RINA SAWAYAMA