For all those who've been frustrated by a printer, this song's for you.

LYRICS:

When we first met in the office
you were wearing bubble wrap, so full of promise.
Pages per minute, dots per inch.
A scanner as well and fax at a pinch.
We had such fun!

But it didn't last for ever, in fact not long at all.
Soon I was banging my head against the wall.
The good times were gone.

Now you've jammed again and I'll miss my deadline.
You've jammed again and this, this is the last time.
No more empty paper tray, I give up.
No more cheap ink on eBay, I give up.
The unnecessary blank page,
always such a waste and I give up.
I give up.
I've had enough.

We gave you a chance, the repairman came out.
He looked you all over and said there's no doubt,
this thing ain't broke.

But I won't change my mind, it's decided.
I'm so tired of trying to make you
print double-sided, it's a joke.

And now you've jammed again and I'll miss my deadline.
You've jammed again and this, this is the last time.
No more empty paper tray, I give up.
No more cheap ink on eBay, I give up.
The unnecessary blank page,
always such a waste and I give up.
I give up.

Maybe I'm crazy, you are just a machine.
Maybe I have been overreacting...

But now you've jammed again and I'll miss my deadline.
Yeah you've jammed again and this, this is the last time.
No more empty paper tray, I give up.
No more cheap ink on eBay, I give up.
The unnecessary blank page,
always such a waste and I give up.
I give up.

Oh and you've jammed again and I'll miss my deadline.
Can't believe that you've jammed again and this,
this is the very last time.
No more empty paper tray, I give up.
No more cheap ink on eBay, I give up.
The unnecessary blank page,
it's always such a waste and I give up.
I give up.
You're unplugged.

CREDITS:

The dot matrix printer audio sample is remixed from this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-3fUtMwqnE

The Ballad of the Printer

Another geeky song, this time about the fun of taking part in a hackathon.

LYRICS:

It's so exciting watching my life unfurl,
At a time when geeks like me can change the world.
There's a hackathon tonight and if it works out alright
I can improve society, oh yes, improve society.

But a VC will be there with money in his wallet.
If I pitch him like a boss I could get/score funding for my project.
A seven-figure sum
And I'll be crushin' everyone
At the hackathon tonight.
At the hackathon tonight.

There are prizes up for grabs if I can't get paid.
My phone is six months old,
Y'know I need to upgrade.
I can surely win some gadgets if I sweet-talk with judges
At the hackathon tonight.
At the hackathon tonight.

Now the Red Bull's on the table and I'm ready to go.
I've got Sublime 5 open on my MacBook Pro.
I'll type at twenty words a minute,
Yeah, I'm really gonna kill it
At the hackathon tonight.
At the hackathon tonight.

The buzzer's gone, we're underway.
My chance to shine has come./There's coding to be done.
The cable mess around me shows I'm hacker number one.

The framework that I'm using's not in alpha yet.
I'm coding on the bleeding edge but starting to regret.

Just to set up the environment has taken so much time.
The clock is ticking down,
I haven't written/coded a single line.

But/And/Now the wifi's cutting out/dropping off,
I've got a dying battery,
I've got conflict after conflict in my Git repository.

The deadline is approaching and there's still a bug to mend
But my code is obfuscated. Will this nightmare never end?

My time ran out and I had to stop.
I couldn't show a demo so...
Instead of showing a demo I used Photoshop.
I tried to help/change society
But it wasn't to be
At the hackathon tonight.
At the hackathon tonight.
I know next time it'll be alright.

The Hackathon Song

I want to introduce my child to online social networks but how best to explain some of the risks involved? Thought I’d start with a song…

This is a rewrite of the traditional folk song “Sloop John B”, famously covered by the Beach Boys (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSAoEf1Ib58) although Cap’n Tom Jones deserves a mention for his singing attire: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyQeHavCfPg

LYRICS:

We joined a social network.
Me and my best friend, Bert.
Around that walled garden
we did roam.
Surfing all night.
Got into a fight.
I had so much fun,
I don’t wanna go home.

I got a message from Jen,
my girlfriend from way back when,
but now she just won’t
leave me alone.
What did I say?
Why does she haunt me this way?
She’s nice ‘n’ all but
I wish she’d go home.

Then there’s that guy named Ray.
He took me to a crazy partay
and he took lots of photos
with his cell phone.
Now everyone’s seen
me doing that… thing.
I’m tired of getting laughed at.
I wanna go home.

Then there’s those men in black.
They won’t get off my back,
ever since they gave me
that emergency loan.
How do they know
every place that I go?
I’m getting kinda scared now.
I gotta go home.

But now my whole family
has signed up, just like me.
It’s the only way
I keep in touch with my mom.
It’s part of our lives.
How did we ever survive?
Now we’re in the network,
we’re not going home.
Once you’re in the network,
you can never go home.

Social Network B

In response to a tweet by Joe Leech (twitter.com/mrjoe) saying he's "thinking about writing a sit-com about web designers. Best friends Mark Down and Rich Snippets and their hilarious adventures." So here's my crack at the theme tune. Now all we need are a script, location, actors, production staff...

LYRICS:

Monday morning, climb the stairs and reach my desk.
Inbox going crazy with so many change requests.

Just another day at our web design agency
Without the clients this would surely be
The perfect industry

We spend hours in front of a screen
Fuelled by sandwiches and caffeine
But it's worth it 'cause across the globe, our work will soon be seen
On the web

There's a new frontier
On the web
Nice bunch of people here
On the web
You can join us too
On the web
Yeah, it must be true
It's on the web.
On the web.

CREDITS:

The icon in the cover image is from http://iconmonstr.com

On The Web

A short tune about the frustrations of slow websites, especially on mobile.

LYRICS:

My heart is pounding as I step off the train
So excited to finally see you again.
I forgot the address of our meeting place tonight
So I get out my phone and check the website.

But there's nothing on the screen, nothing at all
No words appear as I scroll
I picture you sitting alone
As I wait for this website to load
Tired and frustrated
Scared I won't make it
And still this website won't load

CREDITS:

The icon in the cover image is from http://iconmonstr.com

Waiting to Load

A lullaby for geeks.

LYRICS:

Darkness is here and the streetlamps are lit.
But you're still awake reading comments on the 'net.
You're not in bed yet.
So someone was wrong on the internet today.
They can wait till tomorrow to hear what you've got to say.
Step away from the screen,
Away from the screen and take a break. (Take a break)

Your face is filled with a soft flourescent glow.
You smile as you watch one more funny video.
Kittens in the snow.
Now give your brain a rest and step back.
The people around you have all hit the sack.
Step away from the screen,
Away from the screen and relax. (And relax)

A million pixels reflect in your eyes.
You say you're not tired, well it's hardly a surprise.
So mesmerized.
But bookmark the sites you wanna keep.
Resist the temptation to send one more tweet.
Step away from the screen,
Away from the screen and go to sleep. (Go to sleep)

Step away from the screen,
Away from the screen and go to sleep. (Go to sleep)

Step Away From The Screen

LYRICS:

I wrote a new song and put it up on the web.
When I checked the next day, the number of plays, to my dismay was ten.
Maybe my music is not that great in the end.
Maybe I should sell myself to my friends.

And if you think this is true
There's one thing you can do

Please retweet this song
That's all they seem to say
Please retweet this song
Is the mantra of today
And if you agree
If you see the irony then
Please retweet this song

So many people are desperate to be heard.
They try to promote something they wrote to get upvotes on their network.
They urge us to click, to share and subscribe.
No need for humility, they wannabe a celebrity online.

And if you share this point of view
What I'd really like you to do is

Please retweet this song
That's all they seem to say
Please retweet this song
Is the mantra of today
And if you agree
If you see the irony then
Please retweet this song

Maybe this is not a new thing
The spread of personal marketing
People have always used their peers 
To cultivate and propagate and advocate and disseminate and circulate their ideas

Please retweet this song
That's all they seem to say
Please retweet this song
Is the mantra of today
And if you agree
If you see the irony then
Please retweet this song

And as they keep sending metweets galore
The rest of us will endeavour not to measure our friends with a score
And as they grow ever greedier
My proposal is to focus on the social in social media.

And if you feel like this too
I think you know by now what to do

Please retweet this song
That's all they seem to say
Please retweet this song
Is the mantra of today
And if you agree
If you see the irony then
Please retweet this ...

Please retweet this song
That's all they seem to say
Please retweet this song
Is the mantra of today
And if you agree
If you see the irony then
Please retweet this, don't delete this, just retweet this song

Please Retweet This Song

LYRICS:

Now when I was a young boy startin' out in this industry
I remember this pearl of wisdom that the internets gave to me.
To manipulate or decorate something on a web page
First ya gotta grab it and there's pretty much just one way...

[Chorus]
Oh selector, oh won't you fetch for me
With your magic sense, all the elements within the old DOM tree.

Now selectors can be used in CSS, oh but there's more.
In plain ol' JavaScript as well with querySelector().
And don't forget the libraries like jQuery and so
You could say that they're essential if you wanna be a pro.

[Chorus]

The next step on your journey is to learn selector syntax.
There's not much to remember so don't worry, just relax.
You start with a plain ol' tag name if you want it to be styled,
Use "plus" for adjacent sibling and "greater than" for a child.

[Chorus]

A dot is for a class name and for IDs it's a hash.
Use square brackets for attributes and you're sure to find a match.
Now :hover needs a colon like :focus and :target.
There's other stuff as well but that's enough to get you started.

[Chorus]

One final word of warning for my song to be complete.
Remember please that all IDs have got to be unique.
They're bad 'n' they're mean and they don't fight clean and you're gonna find it tough
If you use more than one of each because this DOM ain't big enough.

[Chorus x 2]

Oh! Selector

A nerdy singer-songwriter playing geekulele - mostly humorous ukulele songs about the web and other geeky topics. 

Popular tracks tagged #geekulele