the ending always gets me, pushin through <3

a song that functions as a coping mechanism

maybe i'll leave home today and drive or walk around
i could meet some friends for dinner at a restaurant downtown
but something tells me it's a bad idea to outside
that little voice inside my head that whispers "you might die"

maybe i'll get out of bed and go down to the store
i could buy a couple candy bars or bleed out on the floor
i'm so prone to accidents and awkward little habits
i don't wanna leave my room, i wanna hide out in my attic

i am afraid of everything
i run away from everything

i think i'll go out tonight, and maybe see a movie
'cause there's so much to fear in life, but also so much beauty
i know that my condition is difficult, alright
but i'm sick of letting all my friends believe that they're disliked

so i'm gonna leave my house today
i'm gonna say all that i need to say
and i'll talk to strangers and compliment them
to prove to myself that i'm strengthened again

i am okay with everything
i'll be okay through anything

anxiety; self-reliance

artwork was shot by mae <3 tysm

we keep drifting through these weekends
i keep wondering what's keeping
me away from ever speaking
properly in conversations

i can't swallow medication
you keep forgetting to take it
wonder how my name keeps ending
up in stranger's mouths

in all these conversations

nothing like anonymous comments
to make you feel like everything's fading out
i'm not waiting, i'm not waiting
for the sadness to go
too much time on my hands, yes
it's obvious that i am blessed
but something tells me i can't rest
until i find something good to do

i can't keep staying up all night
i can't keep waiting for daylight
i can't keep watching the sunrise
i can't keep hoping that something will rescue me

i can't keep staying up all night
i can't keep waiting for daylight
i can't keep watching the sunrise
i've gotta fix this shit now

been losing my friends and severing ties
we walked to the ending and said our goodbyes
but somehow, no matter the passage of time
they always fucking talk about me

conversations

this is an album about the fears and tremors that come with love, and the crisis of not knowing your own identity as yours.

enjoy.

fog & obscure

download

apathy

feelin' gross & morose

lyrics:
don't love an artist
if you don't love yourself
'cause they'll paint all your flaws
and they'll make them look beautiful as hell

and don't love an artist
if you like what they make
'cause you'll be immortalized in thousands of notebook lines
and splotches of paint

and when they leave
you'll be stuck with a hole in your chest
with the scent of their skin
and the feel of their bed where they rest
and you can't forget
'cause you live in their works
and when you see those pieces
they just make you feel worse

'cause they knew who you are
oh, they knew very well
but the truth is that now
what you're left with is only a shell

so don't love an artist
'cause they'll take who you were
and they'll hide you in acronyms
bury you deep in the shapes of their words

and when they leave
you'll be stuck with a hole in your chest
with the scent of their skin
and the feel of their bed where they rest
and you can't forget
'cause you live in their works
and when you see those pieces
they just make you feel worse

they just make you feel worse

dont love an artist

don't love an artist

split betwixt patrick and i !

download: 
https://themostbeautifulimages.bandcamp.com/album/split-with-tea

https://teatea.bandcamp.com/album/split-with-the-most-beautiful-images-created-to-be-destroyed

is that so hard - tea

seasonal depression is kicking my ass, so here's some music
cover photo taken by corey "deko" gilbert

lyrics:
just know i'm sorry for it all 
i know it must be hard to hear 
i'm glad you left before the fall 
'cause i won't make it past this year 

just know i love you like a rose 
would love the thorns upon its stem 
no matter how they might have dug into my skin 
no matter how things might have ended 
i will wish for you each night, i'll wish your touch was mine again

winter

download <3

just know i love you like a rose

thunder outside
in the sky, flashing lights
i can try, try to sleep
sleeping through everything

sorry if we had

plans, ruining
subtle hints make me think
that you hate spending time
here with me, so do i

but i'm stuck here for
good

thunderstorm

thunder

when it's raining in the morning 
and you smell the petrichor from your bed 
know that i'm with you, there in some way 
like a fly on the wall in your head 

when the bad thoughts and the nightmares 
keep us afraid of the things in our minds 
know that it's alright, life keeps moving 
just don't let it leave you behind 
when you're exhausted and you're lonely 
and the sadness begins to appear 
know that somewhere, there are people 
who love the idea that you're here 

and when the sky dims, turning pitch black 
and the clock reads 3 a.m. 
hit me by phone call or text, calm or panicky mess 
and we'll go out for milkshakes again

cover taken by https://twitter.com/Queen_of__Hades

petrichor

cover photo taken by mads

chain smoke the hunger away
only eating one meal a day
on a good day, but the good days
will never come

i got so used to loss
that is sort of became part of me
i lose myself in my head
i lose my patience in the agony

i lost my youth in the fallout
of somebody else

who took advantage of trust
and left me hating myself

it's always there in my dreams
i put myself through your hell

why did you do those things to me?

sit down on the side of my bed
and contemplate the endless nothing sat inside of my head
it's such a slow burn, but the candle
is always lit

i got so used to fear
it learned to manifest in me
i fear the ending of it all
i fear your reckless apathy

i fear that everything's boring
and nothing will help

it's like it's all in a cycle
my dwindling health

i feel the breath of the reaper
on the side of my neck

why do i still get out of bed?

reckless apathy

constantly reminded of my past self's dumb mistakes
wishing i could go back in time

dreaming on repeat, climbing up the staircase
stepping into open air

nicotine for dinner, you ask if i've lost weight
the truth is that i didn't mean to

panic in the bathroom, 'cause the person in my mirror
is a foggy recollection of me

but i have to be okay
you say there's just too much at stake
and i'd throw it all away
if i said goodbye today

i have to be okay

hi sorry this is really sad

get drunk to forget that i could jump
sober up and wanna do it twice as much
drink more, but it’s never quite enough
think morbid thoughts to feel more stuck

pass out in the morning when the light
floods over the empty void of night
and this sickness i can't fight
will constantly ruin my life

'til i pass out
on the floor again
and feel the air under my feet
i’m always falling in my dreams
but they aren’t nightmares
i think they’re omens
of what’s coming for me
i see demons in my sleep
then i wake up

get high to forget how much it hurts
come down, just to end up feeling worse
six years of therapy reversed
by every line in every verse

used to write poems just to cope
so ironic, now the rope
around my neck’s entwined
with every letter, every line

my writing
is getting better
but i’m certainly not
put me in the ground to rot
and don’t remember
please forget me
‘cause every memory you keep
will be more pain on you from me
than i can take

i have to be okay

tea

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