laptop music

CANT FIND THE WORDS FOR THIS THING THAT I HATE
THAT KEEPS ME ASLEEP WHEN I SHOULD BE AWAKE
LIKE WATCHING FROM UNDER A FROZEN LAKE
WHY CANT I SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY ?

dont tend to think
just rush into things
and rush out as fast
dunno how to make it last

just like the moon pulls the tides
you pull me in then push me back to the side
the holy ghost was speaking to me last night
they said i really messed up this time

stuck in a world inside myself
daydreaming dreaming dreaming dreaming
losing track of everyone else
and feeling feeling feeling

maladaptive daydreaming

other platforms :3

maladaptive_daydreaming

bottomless pit in your image
spending my nights trying to dive right through
end of my rope where i sit and wait for
something to hold onto
spinning through grey and green interests

swallow my prying hands
caught in some lie that i built for you
in cauterized wounds from a burning truth:
there’s nothing to, nothing to do
but wait til i feel like it’s finished

of course
the lighthouse
it shines
down on this shipwreck

everything good leads into a dead end
everything bad leads to an extension
head in the sand, no communication
self-sabotage, but still feel abandoned

minuscule hitch i prod and poke
when things are too good, uncomfortable
i look for a reason, however small
then distance myself away from it all

and regret

is this…
it feels like…
unsure…
is this loss or not?

7 lines leaving their imprint

is this loss? (demo)

modern baseball - i think you were in my profile picture once cover

i'm actually happy for the first time in a long time

^.^

cover of bright eyes' song "false advertising"

false advertising

this is a song i wrote about overcoming my mental illness. while i'm nowhere near the end of the journey that it has been, i have learned a lot along the way and improved myself tremendously in the process. the first half of the song represents my state of mind a year ago and before, and the second represents the loving, open-minded, and even somewhat positive (occasionally) person i've become since.

thank you all.

special thanks to chloe, halli, john, jesse, joey (both of you), my mom, my grandparents, my brothers, the rest of my family, my counselors, and everyone who enjoys my music

lyrics:
i'm gonna kill myself one day, i'm sure
i'll be gone and you'll be there still
i've been standing at the edge for far too long; it's time that i jump
or pull me down 'cause either way i'll be gone
and i'm so sorry for the things that i have said
i know it hurts to have to follow
but i've been standing at the bottom of a bottle
with bones made out of glass since i could walk
and i'm still sorry for what i've done

i'm gonna live to tell the tale, i think
i've stared into the mirror for an hour, i don't hate myself no more
and i am sorry for the words that have offended you
and caused an ounce of terror in your stomach
i swear, i swear i'm always getting better
never worse, if only that were true, if only that were true
i can see it in your eyes, it's like a diamond in disguise
it's like a pilot lost his eyes and now he's truly flying blind

flying blind

12:54 am

answer

an ode to addiction (among other things)

pinegrove - old friends cover

modern baseball - re-done cover

this is an album about the fears and tremors that come with love, and the crisis of not knowing your own identity as yours.

enjoy.

fog & obscure

download

i'm sorry for everything

worse

feelin' gross & morose

lyrics:
don't love an artist
if you don't love yourself
'cause they'll paint all your flaws
and they'll make them look beautiful as hell

and don't love an artist
if you like what they make
'cause you'll be immortalized in thousands of notebook lines
and splotches of paint

and when they leave
you'll be stuck with a hole in your chest
with the scent of their skin
and the feel of their bed where they rest
and you can't forget
'cause you live in their works
and when you see those pieces
they just make you feel worse

'cause they knew who you are
oh, they knew very well
but the truth is that now
what you're left with is only a shell

so don't love an artist
'cause they'll take who you were
and they'll hide you in acronyms
bury you deep in the shapes of their words

and when they leave
you'll be stuck with a hole in your chest
with the scent of their skin
and the feel of their bed where they rest
and you can't forget
'cause you live in their works
and when you see those pieces
they just make you feel worse

they just make you feel worse

dont love an artist

don't love an artist

yep. still miss u.

lyrics:
the beauty that i once saw in the world
must've transferred itself into you
'cause i feel your precense at every moment
your voice in whatever i do

and i'm tired of trying and laying awake
wishing death would come take me at last
to think i exist is a fable to me
i'm unable visit the past

so i'll rot
in this grave

and soon you will find someone better than me
with a beautiful smile and a daily routine
and they'll take from your heart what i placed when you left
and they'll toss it aside like stale cigarettes

AND YOU'LL BURN ME ALIVE AND INHALE MY INSIDES
AND I'LL TURN INTO SMOKE AND I'LL FLOAT IN YOUR EYES
AND YOU'LL CRY LIKE WE BOTH DID EVERY NIGHT
AND I'LL FINALLY KNOW WHAT IT FUCKING FEELS LIKE

to be free...
to be free

to be free

you're probably having the same conversations with your friends 
that i always have with mine 

about how i'm too hung up and how i need to just get over it 
but these kinds of wounds can only heal with time 

so let me know if ever there is anything that i can do 
to help you out or make you feel alright 

'cause i still think about you often, i still wonder how you're doing
i still fear that you'll let this world dim your light 

i'm sorry for it all

sorry

i've never felt less like myself 
than when i'm naked in reflections 
truly wish that i could exit this body 

and it's coming on again 
starting to crush again 
can't wait to fuck up every friendship that i've made 

but i've never felt more like myself 
than when i'm drunk alone 
at 3 a.m. again 

'cause my stupid brain can't help but get attached 
to every person whose attention 
even barely starts to drift a bit my way 

oh, here we go again 
here we go again

here we go again

i just wanna buy you flowers (and also i wanna die a little bit)
cover art drawn by https://www.twitter.com/phiIotechnicaI

lyrics:
i wanna work at a flower store
and steal you all the roses that i couldn't afford
i don't know if i wanna live anymore
it all feels the same as it did before

i wanna feel like an open door
a shattered window on your bedroom floor
i don't know who i really am anymore
it all feels the same, but i'm never quite sure

i wanna wait here with bated breath
and cry in the corner while you lay and rest
i can be your shoulder when you feel upset
just lay your head down, honey, please don't fret

i wanna sleep in a stranger's bed
just to overanalyze every word you said
i don't really know if there's anything left
but i don't wanna fall in love, i wanna fall to my death

flower store

download <3

seasonal depression is kicking my ass, so here's some music
cover photo taken by corey "deko" gilbert

lyrics:
the fan beside me's humming at a steady a# 
i can just make out the note on my phone screen 

it's 6 am again and i'm still crying over things 
that i've been crying 'bout as long as you've known me 

eternally unhappy 
i'm alone 

severing the cartiledge 
and bone 

i want to be rid of every 
piece of me that's left 

until i float 
i am a ghost 

the world around us spins as we wait for it to end 
hey, guys, do you think that we could do that sooner? 

waking up's a chore, i walk the labrynth on my floor 
and realize that i'm a fucking loser 

eternally unhappy 
i'm alone 

severing the cartiledge 
and bone 

i want to be rid of every 
piece of me that's left 

until i float 
i am a ghost

winter

fan (ghost)

seasonal depression is kicking my ass, so here's some music
cover photo taken by corey "deko" gilbert

lyrics:
laying up at night 
no concept of myself 
i'm lost inside my head 
you're lost inside, as well 

i'm breathing in fresh air 
on my grandparents' front porch 
while you're laying in the grass 
or you're staring at the floor 

and anxious like i am 
i'm panicking again 
'cause i'm losing touch with all 
the people i call friends 

you're losing in a staring contest 
with whatever's in your mirror 
you are me and i am you 
but we're not one and i'm inferior 

i'm three beers past five too many 
i'm two bowls past too high 
i'm one forehead kiss away 
from falling asleep when i realize 

that my whole life is up in the air 
my heart is out on a tightrope 
and my mind is so unaware 
that the safety net was cut a long time ago 

so why should i remember 
when good times come around 
if the deafening silence of anxiety 
will drown out the prettiest sounds 

at the bottom of a riverbed 
my nightmares are coming on 
they feel like my favorite song 
if i didn't know the words whenever it came on

a conversation about identity

seasonal depression is kicking my ass, so here's some music
cover photo taken by corey "deko" gilbert

lyrics:
this anxiety inside of me is tiring my mind 
i can't cry or sleep or smile or eat or even try to find 
something physical or tangible to lay alone beside 
i am singing to the void again, i hum into the night 

everyday, everyday (x4) 

the way that i cope with things is unethical 
and all my clever words have been said before 
i'm just putting off the inevitable 
i am feeling more like a vegetable 

everyday, everyday (x4)

everyday

seasonal depression is kicking my ass, so here's some music
cover photo taken by corey "deko" gilbert

lyrics:
just know i'm sorry for it all 
i know it must be hard to hear 
i'm glad you left before the fall 
'cause i won't make it past this year 

just know i love you like a rose 
would love the thorns upon its stem 
no matter how they might have dug into my skin 
no matter how things might have ended 
i will wish for you each night, i'll wish your touch was mine again

just know i love you like a rose

when it all falls apart like a house made of cards
i will shuffle this deck 'til i fall asleep
gentle touch, brittle bones, when we talk on the phone
i exist for you, you have all of me

i'm a small speck of dust, an inanimite husk
of my former self, they are vanishing
there's a ghost in my room and it wears the perfume
that you used to wear; it's like you're next to me

but nothing's ever real enough (x2)

you're a voice in my head, at the foot of my bed
like a poltergeist, drifting hauntingly
and my mind is a void, for the broken, destroyed
little parts of me, an infinity

this ache in my head makes me quake in my bed
i fixate on it, i can't fall asleep
with this whine in my ears when the silence appears
it is deafining, it is everything

but nothing's ever real enough (x2)

real enough

sample: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_RDaqFgKU

pretty much out of my mind

pretty much out of my mind (bootleg)

thunder outside
in the sky, flashing lights
i can try, try to sleep
sleeping through everything

sorry if we had

plans, ruining
subtle hints make me think
that you hate spending time
here with me, so do i

but i'm stuck here for
good

thunderstorm

thunder

when it's raining in the morning 
and you smell the petrichor from your bed 
know that i'm with you, there in some way 
like a fly on the wall in your head 

when the bad thoughts and the nightmares 
keep us afraid of the things in our minds 
know that it's alright, life keeps moving 
just don't let it leave you behind 
when you're exhausted and you're lonely 
and the sadness begins to appear 
know that somewhere, there are people 
who love the idea that you're here 

and when the sky dims, turning pitch black 
and the clock reads 3 a.m. 
hit me by phone call or text, calm or panicky mess 
and we'll go out for milkshakes again

cover taken by https://twitter.com/Queen_of__Hades

petrichor

cover photo taken by mads

chain smoke the hunger away
only eating one meal a day
on a good day, but the good days
will never come

i got so used to loss
that is sort of became part of me
i lose myself in my head
i lose my patience in the agony

i lost my youth in the fallout
of somebody else

who took advantage of trust
and left me hating myself

it's always there in my dreams
i put myself through your hell

why did you do those things to me?

sit down on the side of my bed
and contemplate the endless nothing sat inside of my head
it's such a slow burn, but the candle
is always lit

i got so used to fear
it learned to manifest in me
i fear the ending of it all
i fear your reckless apathy

i fear that everything's boring
and nothing will help

it's like it's all in a cycle
my dwindling health

i feel the breath of the reaper
on the side of my neck

why do i still get out of bed?

reckless apathy

constantly reminded of my past self's dumb mistakes
wishing i could go back in time

dreaming on repeat, climbing up the staircase
stepping into open air

nicotine for dinner, you ask if i've lost weight
the truth is that i didn't mean to

panic in the bathroom, 'cause the person in my mirror
is a foggy recollection of me

but i have to be okay
you say there's just too much at stake
and i'd throw it all away
if i said goodbye today

i have to be okay

i'm singing songs you've never heard
about a place you'll never go
i'll wear your fragrance like an accolade
and bleed out in the snow

i've got your fingerprints all over me
imprisoned like a ghost
inside some empty little nobody
who's sobbing on the phone

i wanna know

your favorite color
and the ways you like to sleep
i see your shadow on the window
when the day slips into evening

you're the caffeine and the nicotine
i need to leave my bed
you're the sickness in my head
you're the reason i'm not dead

i wanna know

i wanna know

hi sorry this is really sad

get drunk to forget that i could jump
sober up and wanna do it twice as much
drink more, but it’s never quite enough
think morbid thoughts to feel more stuck

pass out in the morning when the light
floods over the empty void of night
and this sickness i can't fight
will constantly ruin my life

'til i pass out
on the floor again
and feel the air under my feet
i’m always falling in my dreams
but they aren’t nightmares
i think they’re omens
of what’s coming for me
i see demons in my sleep
then i wake up

get high to forget how much it hurts
come down, just to end up feeling worse
six years of therapy reversed
by every line in every verse

used to write poems just to cope
so ironic, now the rope
around my neck’s entwined
with every letter, every line

my writing
is getting better
but i’m certainly not
put me in the ground to rot
and don’t remember
please forget me
‘cause every memory you keep
will be more pain on you from me
than i can take

sickness (8th floor blues)

hi how r u i'm ok also this is old

counting all the constellations
i can see without all this pollution
everything will come and go
your permenance comes from all the reminders

always waiting too long
plucking strings from the spiderwebs hanging down
it's all meter when you're living in song
move slowly to an infinite, monotonous sound
barely eating, always staying in place
depression nesting in between these hollow parts
something endless in my monochrome dreams
i'm a nobody now that you've taken my heart

counting all the constellations
i can see without all this pollution
everything will come and go
your permenance comes from all the reminders

tea

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