ЛИТВИНЕНКО - Ой Мама Пьяный

undiagnosed adhd, ocd and bpd
currently working on

i like board, card and dice games to play with friends and family
i love animals 
i like to draw
i love photography, be my motif .
i like typical activities, watching fights , big cars etc
I'm not looking for a gf or wife perse, I'm looking for an understanding and loving family 



no drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, masturbating, sex ( as usual ) or leering
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there's nothing that can hold me anymore, nothing that's left, do I feel alone because I'm on my own, or do I realize one day everything is true? do my delusions rip me apart, is my mind controlled by everything that's going through my head, is everything senseless when I step ahead.. am I willing to fight, am I willing to live, will anyone remember if I don't forgive. i sit alone think about me, think about you, think about what could be, I don't think about why I don't think about when, I think and think with you in my mind. will I ever know what is true and what is reality or am willing for acceptance. I fight the world I fight my own I don't do it alone I do it for you, what are we I asked multiple times the answer was nevermind, my delusions always win, my mind always loose, my body is what breaking, and so is my soul. 

i break in half, I break in pieces thinking why i was fleeing my thoughts, I remember the pain, I remember the void, everything comes back, I hate this world. what can the future hold being like me what can change for a better me , acceptance is what comes, but what comes for me , nothing I can see, nothing will be. I can stay strong without a doubt, I can do it and be it and live it and enjoy, it doesn't matter with all this void, what does it mean to be like you, I don't compare myself to anyone here, I don't look down and I don't look up, I don't judge or be such fucked up. what will the future bring, when I stay in the line, I hope it's worth it, it's very tough in my mind.

all these signs, all these connections, were they real, what happened? i see myself thinking about my dreams, thinking about reality what it means, I can't see anymore, I can't wish it for me , why do I believe, why do I believe. is it a game or is it true , who fell in love was it me or was it you? I can't think, I feel so down, my brain is in fog, my heart is crushed, my soul collapsed, my body heals, my spirit flies, my life is too sore, too sore to rise. I feel like the end of a collapsing bridge dragging me between two mountains. I feel like nobody is honest about themselves, nobody is talking honestly about what they think, and again I come to the point is it because I'm thinking so different, is it because I don't hide, is it because I don't see reason to protect, I feel like a bubble in a world of lies a world everyone wants to shine, a world people see themselves as royalty of stars high up in the sky. I stop asking the universe for my way, from now on you decide. hope is dead, will is weak, what to think, what to know. this world is just a show. oh what a show

I am lost, I'm at the end. What is the pain worth after my last day of hope. 

ЛИТВИНЕНКО - Ой Мама Пьяный

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