This is a song about my enneagram type. It was recorded with a 15$ computer mic and has not been auto tuned or processed. Raw and imperfect.

Balance

Concept albums are honestly way easier to write than writing about myself. I can say things that aren’t true to my life and I can blame flawed action or thoughts on a character rather than suffer any form of personal judgment. That is why I feel kind of embarrassed to share this next song. It is not a pretty topic and it is even ugly at points. 

Forgiving someone who has not asked for forgiveness or who maybe doesn’t even feel sorry for their actions is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Unfortunately, holding a grudge is one of the most damaging things you can do to yourself. In the end, unforgiveness is a prison we lock ourselves in. I wish it weren’t true because it is so much easier than being forgiving. And the only way to let yourself out of that cell is to let go. As hard as it can be, forgiveness is freedom. 

All that being said I still don’t fully know how to be forgiving. Sometimes I feel like I am and have moved past it. And other times it all comes flooding back at the mention of a name, or just a random thought, and I’m right back in that prison again. I’ve discovered being forgiving is a posture more than a one-time decision. So, with that, here is a song about my struggle with forgiveness.

The Pit

I wrote this song 2 years ago. It is probably the most embarrassing for me to release so far due to the subject matter/lyrics. This is again recorded with my garbage 15$ computer mic, and also recorded without auto tune. 

2 years ago I started having panic attacks. The first one I ever had was in the middle of the night out of a sound sleep. My heart felt like it was going to explode and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I spent way too much money on multiple ER visits and doctors appointments with each one of them telling me the same thing: I was fine and healthy and this was all panic. It went on for almost an entire year. 

Feeling like you’re going to die every waking moment for a year straight tends to make you wonder about what happens when you die. Which leads me to why I wrote this song. 

Religion can be an amazing comfort and guide. I also believe it can be very toxic. Every single person reading this has most likely experienced religion in a toxic way at some point or another. For me, I was raised into religion. I spent most of my week in church services. 4 times a week from the earliest I can remember until I became a teenager. I remember being taught about Hell and I remember being terrified of what I was told. Maybe I wasn’t ready to hear about it, or maybe I just took it in differently than other kids, but either way it shaped and molded my faith in an unhealthy way. So, I developed a faith based on fear rather than love. Faith was not a comfort for me for most of my life. Thankfully, I met a lot of amazing people along the way who helped me see God differently. I don’t live in that same fear as much anymore. But there are still times I find myself in that toxic state of mind even to this day. 

So, when I was having these panic attacks every day for almost a year straight, I also got very depressed. I kept thinking how I wish I had never been born because I wouldn’t have to feel afraid anymore. And it really wasn’t until after I wrote this song that I started to get a little better each day. I had to constantly remind myself that this version of God I had in my head was not reality and that I didn’t have to be afraid of Him or of dying. Now that doesn’t totally make me feel comfortable about dying by any means. But at least there was now a part that I no longer had to torture myself thinking about. And that was healing I desperately needed and I think a lot of other people need as well.

therevived

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