CONFIDENCE: Tonight is a night that I was originally planning to get drunk with a close friend and to ask him about this relationship advice with this fellow female, but that is another journal in itself, anyways I stumble upon his ignorance and decide to try and get some sleep for tomorrow. This has been an ongoing accumulation lately that I can't seem to fall asleep, there is a medical analysis For this but I seriously doubt that this would fit my case. My insomnia is what I call this which is not as server as the condition itself but I have many of the symptoms the obvious one being I can't sleep. So when I can't sleep I begun to think and to think which is what I do every night and some nights I over think myself into this state which I am in right now. I just begin to think of the worst things and just think of my life in general and where it is going. I obviously need to talk to a precessional about this but the thing is my physiatrist at the moment is a replacement due to my probation. I have never had problems falling asleep before I was on probation and this is a scary feeling for me because I don't like the fact I can't sleep I love to sleep and now that I can't do an activity that I love it is exhausting literally. So I recently got accepted to IUP which I am secretly kind of proud of but the thing is I don't believe that I am quite ready to pursues life on my own just yet and to move out and to go to college. I honesty am mature enough to admit that I am contradicting myself because I don't think I am mature enough to do things alone. The past few years have been really rough and I have been in and out of rehab to placement to mental hospital and it just gives me back terrible haunting memories but the people that I met in there I will always remember them for some reason. People just interest me there are everything to everyone and it completes people but for some reason I find myself alone on multiple occasions. I just feel comfortable alone I always have and this could be seen as a skill that very few acquire but I don't know what I see it as and I don't see it as a weakness if anything it is a strength. People have always influenced my life greatly  and always made me do things or act a certain way and I never really made deacons and choices for myself. This was how it was until I went to Outside-In and met a kid that would change my mindset and outlook on life as I know it, Sven.
Sven:    This was the name of a fellow Juvenal in my placement facility that I was at from the months of July to October in the summer of 2013. He was a very unique person and not like everyone else there so obviously he intrigued me when I started to talk to him. He just had this outlook on life to just be as different as,you can be and that everyone can point out each others similarities but it it's the differences that. Ames us who we are. This was a very powerful moving thing that he told me in such a dark place in my life it gave me light. While I was there I was very focused in my self image and was trying to make myself look better for when I return home, and I did not quite take into effect of what actually Sven was telling me all the time it would just fly over my head. So the kids in the placement always took a liking to me due to my personality and my kindness but they tended to not like Sven as much and this made me confused and made me think if is should avoid him due to these other kids reactions to his behaviors. I quickly learned that Sven was the person that would get me through Outside-In that he would lead me to my home and these other kids were just a distraction to me. Now I did not take Sven for a heroin addict at all this shocked me beyond belief but he was very accepting and comfortable about his addiction and that he really wanted to make a change. Now before entering there we had both found our we spent some time in Ridge View which was a rehab facility that we both attended and continued to use until we found put way at Outside-In. This was automatically a common interest that we both went there around the same time and new the same people from there which made me happy to connect with him about that because that place was a very dark place in my life. Sven was just such a unique individual and did not care what anyone thought of him and I envy him for that because no matter how much I tell myself or how much I try to ignore it I always seem to take peoples opinions into affect. I haut can't help it I mean it is human nature to do that but Sven really just did not seem to care for anyone's opinion but his own. I definitely took a tool after seeing him do the things he did and take theses evil comments so well and just brush them off his shoulders. I admire that greatly from him I wish I could do,the same but unfortunately I can't and this makes me kind of angry. I always take people's opinion into affect and it sometimes can get to me for weeks at a time. Sven did however teach me that whatever they may be saying to you or doing to you that makes them want to say it, then that shows  a sign of frustration and it is a weakness for them. So he would tend to do,those things that would make people mad even more and more just because he knew it would bother them. This is very cool to me and it is actually what I have started to do in my own life.

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