behind the curtain, it's just me; i hope that's ok

download: tidecruz.bandcamp.com/album/nothing-is-real-part-x
1. until the end 
2. vulnerable 
3. it's always the same, 
4. every life i live. 
5. you're not who you think
6. where u begin, n where im ending

bonus track w/ album download via bandcamp.
thanks for listening.


another album was shared this morning, a collection of loose idm projects.
you may view this here - tidecruz.bandcamp.com/album/anotherplace-anothertime

nothing is real, part X

return to form

hey guys. welp. im trying. i really am. im trying to keep my head up and push past this but its gotten so bad i can hardly type this. since about march ive been having problems with numbness in my feet and legs and has in this last month changed to total lack of control of the left side of my body. im self employed so i dont have any health insurance. around here we have some hospitals that you can apply for free health care with. even with their health care card nobody really seems to want to help me.

i went to the emergency room once when it started because well, not having control of your body at a young age is very bad. they turned me away.
went back to the emergency room today and it was the same.

its gotten so bad now i can hardly walk, and most importantly i cant play guitar or keyboard. so at this point, now that its getting in the way of music i just felt i needed to say something incase something happens to me. 

they wouldnt do any tests on me but i finally got some kind of mri or something. said they found at least one herniated disc in my spine but said it wouldnt explain why i cant move my left side of my body. 

the medical care here is so bad they said i cant meet with a specialist till next year. the thing is, my condition keeps getting worse by the day so my fear is that, ill be seen and told "oh we could of saved you but you waited so long to get help this is beyond repair" and i wont ever be able to make music again like i have been.

i've been so depressed about all this its been next to impossible to sit down and try to make music. even this piece of shit american football "cover" you're listening to now was crudely spliced together. my hand does not work. i had to record essentially one chord at a time and edit it together because i cant control my hand enough to play normally anymore. its really god damn frustrating. i don't know if im just a bad person and this is karma, but i wanted to say something before either i get so fed up with it i just leave the scene for good or soemthing medically takes a turn for the worst. i don't know what else to say.

i really hope someone can help me soon. I've said it so many times in so many vague ways in my music but i'll make it as clear as i can right now incase something happens to me, my view on this whole life thing would at least be here . I think this whole life thing is beyond any of our understanding, and its funny for anyone to pretend like the actually understand this shit. Idk what im doing, or what my purpose is. All i know is that when i sit down and write music it feels like im doing something good. It feels worthwhile and it makes me happy, and if i can't do that i just really don't feel i have any reason to be around. It's always been and always will be the only thing that makes me happy. The only thing that i don't need approval from, or could bring me down. Music has only ever taken me higher, and to not be able to write, well it just takes away my whole purpose. I never have and never will write words i dont mean, i hardly sing at all as i feel nothing is really worth saying. I just wanted to put sounds and instruments together and show whoever happens to listen how i felt. I don't waste my life sharing this shit in hopes ill be recognized, i just write music cause i love making music and sure, why not share it when im done. I don't know where im going with this. Just wanted to tell you all im very afraid right now. I don't know what next but it only seems to be getting worse for my health.

update 11/15/21 - i have multiple sclerosis i guess.. :/

read description

special thanks to drelon for picking the song name
today was my birthday so i decided to share some unreleased stuff
thanks for listening

lyrics:
you used to be
so small
just like me
you've out grown
your stay here with me
i can't feel so sorry 
for myself
i'm not sure if i'll see you
again

it's your world, i'm just living in it

thinking of
a reason i
that i shouldn't risk it all
no safety net
to protect you from
the fall the backlash
the repercussion of falling In love
are you ready for
the heartache and more
disapointment and pain
who you thought that i am
don't know if i can
it's hard for me to
be who you want me to be
i write music all day
in my room i will stay
my heart is your clay
please make me okay

x

the repercussion of falling In love

it's getting harder to
to make it thru the night
you'll be alright 
if you give up this fight
so give up so give up so give up
so give up so give up so give up
if you close your eyes
a bad memory disguised
as a helping hand
you'll misunderstand
nothing goes as planed
it's like sabotage
everything breaks down
and i'm the cause?
my heads spinnin' round 
how do i pause?
-
sleepless nights
almost not quite
dead all day
in my bed i'll stay
cause nothing every changes no
it all depends if you decide to show
(hey, im kind of glad you didnt pick up, i kind of just called to-)
i'll wait here for you on the bench that we sat
on when we met
x.

4. comfort In predictability & 5. when we met

who's side are you on anyway?
on the sidelines for the home team
of course i'm away
of course i won't stay
stay the course anyway
i thought that you'd make
make it hard for me

make it hard to walk away
i thought that you may
want my sweater or shirt
to hold onto at night
just doesn't feel quite right

you're so far away 
i don't how to say
you make it so hard
clear my mind and restart
i know it's my fault
leave these pieces behind
you pick them all up
i wanna rewind

and do it all over again

and never say hello
so you'de never know
how terrible i am
i'm not a real man

you deserve so much more
you deserve the whole world

just doesn't feel quite right

x.

just doesn't feel right

Still Standing

Things To Learn

closer

maybe you can start to see me
i'm in your mind
dissociate dividing lines
{where you begin and where i'm ending}
don't be afraid to lose your mind
it always happens time to time
stay with me and live forever
i'll take your life and give you mine
i told you once
i'll tell you twice
oh jesus christ
it's just your life
you're wearing thin
you wear me down
your lights go out
your times run out

where u begin, n where im ending

‎‎hello. my brain is killing me from a disease called multiple sclerosis. i am making as much music as i can before inevitability i wake up one day unable to function.  i wouldn't wish this on anybody. thanks for listening.
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 ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏in various ‎‏‏‎shows on the VICELAND 
 ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎  ‎‏‏TV network, ‎‏‏‎in the film eHero with 
 ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎Sean Astin, ‎‏‏‎‎‏‏‎an Adidas documentary,
 ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎  and as the ‎‏‏‎soundtrack for the 
 ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎video ‎‏‏‎game Monsters Duo,
 ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎  ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎  ‎‏‏‎ by Q-Games.

the repercussion of falling In love

my head is empty

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