[Verse 1]
My kids racing with a block of wood and Ive been here three hours
Some dad just whispered ‘track conditions’—I swear I’m losing power.
The Scoutmaster’s talking like he’s calling the Indy five hundred,
And that kid’s dad’s pissing me off — I think Im really gonna punch him.

[Pre-Chorus]
My kid doesnt give a shit, nope not at all
He doesnt even have a name for his car
Hes staring at his feet, 
in line at the snack bar
If I hear ‘Lane Three Wins’ again,
I’m flipping this table
and jamming this axel bar into Tim's dad's head

[Chorus]
MY KID’S RACING WITH A BLOCK OF WOOD!
I should have brought a flask, I fucking knew I should
THAT KID'S DAD IS PACING LIKE IT’S FOR-MUL-A ONE!
PINEWOOD DERBY FUCKING SUCKS!

[Verse 2]
A grown-ass man just slammed his chair,
Over a wooden car race, gone on for two seconds.
While a clip-board dad in bi-focals mumbles 'optimal weight distribution'


[Pre-Chorus]
Some kid’s car crashed, his mom and dad are psycho-paths
He’s sobbing out loud, he's making a scene
Grandpa looks like he's having a war flash-back. And now hes clutching his cane

They just called a re-race ‘cause of wind resistance,
I might get arrested for public belligerence.

[Chorus]
PINE-WOOD DERBY FUCKING BLOWS!
WHY AM I STILL HERE? NOBODY KNOWS!
MY KID’S RACING WITH A BLOCK OF WOOD!
AND I’M GONNA THANK YOUR MOM FOR THIS!

[Bridge thoughts racing in his head in a whisper over the beat which is getting louder]
"Timmy’s dad just made a ‘pit stop’ joke for the fifth time, and I'm losing my shit…."
“I knew I should have brought a goddamn flask…”
"This Race is Five Seconds Long, But I’ve Been Here for Three Hours…."
"I Came to Support My Son, Now I Want to Fight that kids Dad….”
“That mom just pulled out a White Claw…”
(I'M BOREDDD)

[Chorus]
PINE-WOOD DERBY FUCKING BLOWS!
I’M ABOUT TO THROW DOWN IN A CHURCH BASEMENT, LET’S GO!
SOME GRANDPA JUST TRIED TO BRIBE THE JUDGE!
AND NOW I’M GETTING ESCORTED OUT BY A SCOUT-MAS-TER NAMED DOUG!

PINEWOOD DERBY FUCKING SUCKS!
KID’S STILL RACING WITH THAT BLOCK OF WOOD!
I should have brought a flask, I fucking knew I should
PINEWOOD DERBY FUCKING SUCKS!

[Outro] [short] [dark spoken low mumbling, fading out, crushed spirit]
I swear to god…
I hope that kid’s ‘Rocket’ car fucking EXPLODES…
[End]

Pinewood Derby (I Really Wanna Fight That Kid's Dad)

Woke up tight, feelin’ real sour,
Been sittin’ on this throne for over an hour.
Took a deep breath, gave it a try,
Tryna push out a cigar, but it’s comin’ out dry!

Brown snake boogie, let it slide, let it roll!
Got a freight train stuck and it’s takin’ its toll!
Brown snake boogie, let it loose, let it go!
Somebody pray, ‘cause I’m losin’ my soul!

My knees are shakin’, my teeth clenched tight,
This turd’s holdin’ on like it’s ready to fight.
Sweat’s pourin’ down, I’m seein’ the light,
If this thing don’t drop, I won’t make it through the night!

Brown snake boogie, let it slide, let it roll!
I’m battlin’ a beast and it’s takin’ control!
Brown snake boogie, let it loose, let it go!
If this don’t pass soon, I’ll be six feet below!

Oh baby… I been fightin’ this demon…
Clenchin’ and pushin’… damn near screamin’…
Took fiber, took coffee, took two shots of gin…
But this brown boa constrictor just won’t slither in!

Tried wipin’ my brow, but my hands got weak,
Felt that ol’ brown snake finally start to peek.
Then BOOM—like thunder, like a damn stampede,
I swear the toilet shuddered and begged for mercy!

Brown snake boogie, oh Lord, it’s done!
I swear to God I just gave birth to a son!
Brown snake boogie, let it flush, let it go!
Ain’t sittin’ back down for another week or so!

Brown Snake Boogie

Ohhh no…
Something ain't right…
My pants felt heavy for most of the night…
Lord, have mercy… it’s startin’ to sour…
Been fightin’ this swamp for over an hour…

Ain’t checked yet, ain’t got the nerve… but I pray I’m alright…
'Cause this girl I’m dancin’ with is comin’ home tonight…


---

(Verse 1)
Stepped on the floor, feelin’ real fly,
Boots shined up and my chain hang high.
Movin’ to the beat, she grindin’ real close,
But down in my jeans… I fear the worst.

Somethin’ ain’t right, got a slick situation,
Sweatin’ like a sinner at the Lord’s foundation.
Tryna keep cool, try to act real smooth,
But I mighta just left a lil’ more than groove!


---

(Chorus)
Did I shit my pants or is this just butt sweat?!
(SOMEBODY HELP ME, I AIN’T CHECKED YET!)
Did I shit my pants or is this just butt sweat?!
(GOTTA KEEP DANCIN’, CAN’T LIVE WITH REGRET!)


---

(Verse 2)
She’s so fine, she’s pullin’ me near,
Whisperin’ sweet things in my ear.
But I’m standin’ real still, tryin’ not to move,
‘Cause one wrong step… might make me lose.

She say, “Baby, let’s take this outside,”
I’m like, “Damn girl, I hope you don’t mind…”
Tryna keep cool, try to play it right,
But if this ain't sweat… I ain't goin’ home tonight.


---

(Chorus)
Did I shit my pants or is this just butt sweat?!
(SOMEBODY HELP ME, I AIN’T CHECKED YET!)
Did I shit my pants or is this just butt sweat?!
(GOTTA KEEP DANCIN’, CAN’T LIVE WITH REGRET!)


---

(Bridge)
Ohhhh girl… I hope you don’t mind…
I hope you don’t smell what’s creepin’ behind…
I been fightin’ this fight for most of the night…
But if this ain’t sweat, I’m takin’ FLIGHT!


---

(Verse 3)
Made my way to the bathroom line,
Sweatin’ down my back, but playin’ it fine.
Checked real quick—oh thank the Lord!
It’s just a hot streak, I’m back on board!


---

(Final Chorus)
Did I shit my pants or is this just butt sweat?!
(HALLELUJAH, I AIN’T CHECKED YET!)
Did I shit my pants or is this just butt sweat?!
(I CAN KEEP DANCIN’, NO REGRET!)

Turbo Pudding

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