TurtleFrogMan

Drag Queen Story Hour

My wife and I were playing pool, you see, our marriage had grown stale 
And we agreed to have a date night to address our Marriage troubles 
A young couple put their quarters on the billiard table rail 
And asked if they could join us in a friendly game of doubles 

And this couple was attractive, they lived together I should mention 
And in no time we were all of us, engaged in harmless flirting 
My wife and I  seemed to come alive, like we were starving for attention 
And the thrill that I got watching my wife flirt was disconcerting 

Between the time that had elapsed and our perception was a slight gap 
the hours passed like minutes and to our shock the bar was closing 
“hey! we just bought a new hot tub why don’t you come back to our place for a night cap?” 
And naively we agreed to what our young friends were proposing 

Let’s take a momentary pause in the telling of our tale 
Do you think they should continue or stop?  
Will they continue unabated or will cooler heads prevail?  
Are these couples really going to swap?

We followed them back to their home and once we had all inside gathered 
We exchanged the typical pleasantries | and we got the typical tour 
And then they led us back to their hot tub and the water was already lathered 
He said, “let me pour us some drinks | what is your liquor du jour?”

He returned and he gleefully shouted, “Let’s get into that hot tub and drink!” 
I said, “we didn’t bring any swimming suits | perhaps you might have two to spare?”
And they looked at me like I was joking | and he gave me a devilish wink 
He said, “nobody under age 80 gets into our hot tub unless they are bare!”  

Let’s take a momentary pause in the telling of our tale 
Do you think they will continue or stop?  
Will they continue unabated or will cooler heads prevail?  
Are these couples really going to swap?

Now my wife and I are conservative and keenly aware of the dangers 
Of drinking too much and we normally | know when we both ought to stop 
But here we were on the verge of undressing| |. In front of these virtual strangers 
And it was slowly becoming apparent | That this couple was eager to swap 

Sometimes you commit to an action | and you feel like you have to proceed
In spite of the voices you hear in your head | that scream “fire only gets hotter” 
I looked at my wife and she nervously smiled | I could tell we both agreed 
Both of us quickly undressed and slipped into the depths of the roiling water 

Let’s take a momentary pause in the telling of our tale 
Do you think they will continue or stop?  
Will they continue down this pathway or will cooler heads prevail?  
Are these couples really going to swap?


So the four of us were naked beneath the froth and all the bubbles 
And I broke the awkward silence with what I thought a pithy toast 
“to think this all got started with a friendly game of doubles 
And just then my wife jumped up and screamed as if she’d seen a ghost 

She cried “I’m sorry we have stop now.  Our marriage will not make it through this. 
He had tried to caress my wife’s thigh which for her was a bridge too far. 
I apologized to this couple and said “we’re just not the sort of people that do this” 
We gathered up our clothes, left their house and went back to our car 

And now we’ve come to what appears to be the ending of our tale 
Should they have waited for the next shoe to drop?
Will their marriage show improvement or is it doomed to fail?    
Did they secretly desire to Swap?

Couples Swap

They cordoned off a few blocks and some more of these 
For those of us who are not vaccinated 

A plexiglass wall erected by the authorities
To keep the populations separated 

You could argue we deserve this derision 
We’re treated like we’re sick or unclean 

We’re here because we made the decision 
To refuse to take the government’s vaccine  

From the barricade, I watched her walking slowly
Toward the clinic, to receive her daily booster 

She was so beautiful, you could almost call her holy 
For I was certain only god could have produced her 

But There’s no vaccination for love 
And the case load can never be projected 
But There’s no vaccination for love 
The contact tracing can’t be collected 
There’s no vaccination for love 
No testing for its ever been perfected 
There’s no vaccination for love
And you’re lucky if you’ve ever been infected

For months and months I came back to see her 
Her daily booster shot was mandatory 

From her vaccinated prison, I could free her 
If I could only have a chance to tell my story 

I climbed the barricade like a phoenix risen 
I looked for cops around but didn’t see them

I approached her and said  “I can free you from this prison”
“come with me over the wall and live in freedom” 

This is the part where you ask how our first date went 
She screamed and to the cops I was reported 

To say I fucked up would be quite an understatement   
I was arrested and tested and over the wall escorted 

But There’s no vaccination for love 
There’s no therapeutic medicines for you and me
But There’s no vaccination for love 
When it hits you man, it hits you with impunity
There’s no vaccination for love 
And that means that you ‘re a threat to the community
There’s no vaccination for love
Over time you tend to build up an immunity

There's No Vaccination For Love

There was this lady she was in labor 
I was her friendly next door neighbor 
And the walls were made of paper machete 

I was an unemployed musician 
Lacking love and recognition 
And since I couldn’t get to sleep anyway 

I said, “Maybe I should stay here and wait for your husband.  
If you want someone to drive you I will”

She said, “you’d have to wait forever cause I don’t have a husband 
And could never pay a hospital bill”

My mouth dropped open and gaped 
When she explained, “I was raped” 
And then informed me that her water broke 

It was tragic and sad 
And yet it probably had 
To be the world’s most elaborate joke

So In her apartment I’m standing 
And In pain she cries out demanding 
“take my panties please and lay me out flat” 

All her screaming was very worrying 
And around the apartment was scurrying 
Some cockroaches and a rather large rat

I said, “Can’t you cross your legs and hold it while I fetch a policeman 
I could have kicked myself for asking her that 
Another baby boy was born without the help of policemen 
Just me and the aforementioned rat 

Who picked the afterbirth clean 
Man the things that I’ve seen 
Could make an ambulance attendance choke 

It was an awful sight to see 
And yet it very well may be 
The world’s most elaborate joke 

Have you heard the old joke about the musician 
trying to be the next Bob Dylan

All of his hopes for his future were on that dream pinned 

Then he rescues a damsel In a wretched condition 
who was raped by a dastardly villain 

And this girl sent all of his hopes and dreams Blowin in the wind!  
Get it?  Blowin in the wind!  

And so we took a bus to Tennessee 
Bob Dylan, the neighbor and baby makes three
And we found an inconspicuous town

I’d start a business sometime later 
As a pest exterminator 
I loved putting rats and cockroaches down 

“we don’t believe your story grandpa you must be joking 
You gave up your dream to kill rats in Tennessee?  
I said, “listen to your grandpa kids, old grandpa’s not joking 
The meaning of life is responsibility”

Yes, now big eyed grand children straddle my knee
And ask if grandpa’s only blowing smoke 

The punch line’ll kill ya if you let it 
Whats the matter don’t you get?  
It’s the worlds most elaborate joke

The World's Most Elaborate Joke

I had a friend whose mechanical aptitude was nothing short of sublime 
And when it comes to the physical sciences, he was quite thoroughly versed 
Over drinks he informed me he’d built a device that could transport a person through time 
And he asked if I’d help him to test his invention by taking the risk to be first 

And of course, I agreed, I mean who wouldn’t jump at the chance to revisit the past 
To travel through time like explorers in history, way off the beaten path, way off 
Think of it, you could buy bitcoins for pennies, return with a fortune amassed 
Or you could save 6 million jews from the ovens by killing an infant named Adolph 

I got in the vehicle, strapped on a helmet and made sure that my seat belt was snug 
It smoked and it whirred and it made lots of noises and spun like a carnival ride 
My friend warned me he couldn’t gauge where’d I’d travel to due to a programming bug  
It crashed to the ground and I started inspecting myself to ensure I’d not died 

I opened the hatch and was greeted by hundreds of savages, scantily clad 
It was clearly apparent that one was the leader, I offered my hand, “how are you sir?”  
They raised up their spears in defense of their leader who asked “are you a god, good or bad?”  
I said “i am no god and I mean you no harm, I am a man from the future”.  

At first they seemed welcoming, happy to have me, they asked of the future enthused 
I told them we sit on a seat we call toilet, it carries our waste through a pipe  
That flows to a waste water treatment facility where it is cleaned and reused 
And rather than leaves we have rolls of soft paper we use when we’re done and we wipe 

I told them that we live in houses and don’t sweat in summer nor in winter shiver 
Our heat and light come from electrons, these particles floating that none of us see 
But they thought me a god making promises to them that now I would have to deliver 
And just then, their leader arose and was forcefully speaking directly to me: 

“We want the things you describe, you’re a god, there’s a way you can give us these isn’t there?”
I apologized to him, “I don’t have the knowledge I’d need to build these things for you”. 
But this explanation was not satisfactory, I was then taken as prisoner 
You will build us these lights and these toilets you speak of, we will keep you here until you do 

But I can’t invent electricity even a toilet to me seems complex 
How does the poo and pee move through the pipe for great distances, miles and miles?  
Instead of learning such things I spent all of my free time in bars hunting drunk girls for sex 
I’m just a monkey who pushes down buttons, flips switches, swipes right and turns dials 

So, If you’re given the chance to learn how the world works I suggest you perhaps do 
Don’t be like me and expend all your free time in drinking and other tomfoolery 
I don’t know their customs, I don’t hunt or fish, I’m a prisoner now they throw scraps to 
They’ve taken apart my time travel machine and wear some of the parts like it’s jewelry

A Modern Monkey In A Time Machine

There’s a chicken wing restaurant near where I live that on Saturdays I often go to 

After cutting the grass and 
Wacking the weeds
Any  trimming any bushes unruly 

After several months if you sit in the same place the waitresses all get to know you 

And I always sit down 
in young Deborah’s section, 
she’s got a crush on yours truly

She really enjoys all the stories I tell and she laughs at my hilarious jokes 

She always makes sure I have plenty of ketchup, she doesn’t do that for the rest of these folks

Men, don’t fall in love with your waitress 
Being nice to you is part of her job 
Sure, she laughs at your jokes but she laughs at the jokes 
Of every Tom, Dick and Harry or Bob

One Saturday I’m sitting in my usual spot, but Debbie didn’t show for her shift 

And I’m thinking My god, 
what on earth could be wrong 
If I had her address then I could save her

And so I lied and told her manager that Debbie had called me and asked if I could give her a lift 

 He gave me her address 
On a cocktail napkin
And I thanked the man for doing me this favor! 

And I imagined when she saw me I would be her handsome hero and she’d plant on me a passionate kiss 

She’d say “leave your stupid, fat cow wife, she doesn’t love you, marry me instead and we’ll have marital bliss” 

Men, don’t fall in love with the waitress 
You’re not her white knight on a giant white galloping steed 
You’re just another guy who got the cheeseburger combo 
And an appetizer he didn’t need

So I drove up to her trailer and knocked softly on her screen 
And this 6 foot four gorilla came to greet me. 
He had perhaps the largest biceps I had ever seen 
And his fists were more than big enough to beat me. 

I said, “ I was sent to check on Debbie, make sure she’s okay 
Debbie then appeared engulfed in sadness 
She said, “wait a second, I know you, you’re there each Saturday. 
Why the hell did they give you my address?   

I said, “listen, I just wanted to make sure you were alright 
We’ve become so close I care about you deeply 
She said, “I just serve you chicken wings, what gives you the right! 
Get the hell off of my porch, you’re fucking creepy!  

So I got back in my car and I drove quickly away, for a moment there I feared for my life 

I knew that I had overstepped 
Her personal boundary 
And I could never sit again in Debbies section 

I thought from now on that after finishing the lawn, I should have a couple beers with my wife. 

We’re old and fat with two grown kids 
But just like Darwin said 
You have to trust in natural selection 

Men, don’t fall in love with your waitress 
On your personal reality try to keep a  very firm grip 
You’ve got a mortgage, a fat wife and four kids who need you 
So pay the check and leave a generous tip

Don't Fall In Love With The Waitress

I came home for a business trip, my bags in the house just carried. 
My wife met me in the living room with just a nightie on 
She said “the good news I love you and would like us to stay married” 
That’s good news …..

The bad news is I had a one night stand while you were gone. 
That’s bad news….
===================
I stood there with my jaw agape, she’d shocked me into silence 
I should have read the tea leaves, should have seen the signs of course
I said, “the good news is I’m angry but I won’t resort to violence 
That’s good news …..

The bad news is tomorrow I’ll be filing for divorce.
That’s bad news….
==============
I left to find a hotel room consumed with indignation 
And I’m at the front desk of a hotel close by, down the street 
He said, The good news is we have a room without a reservation 
That’s good news …..

The bad news is its what we call our honeymooner suite
That’s bad news….
================
So I’m sitting at the hotel bar still numb and somewhat shocked 
And I’m telling the bartender of the burdens that I carry 
He said, the good news we’ve got it all, the bar is quite well stocked 
That’s good news …..

The bad news is the joy it brings is only temporary 
That’s bad news….
================
And few stools down this gorgeous woman carefully inspects me
And she got up from her stool and took the stool that’s on my right
She said, “the good news is I’m single and I find you very sexy
That’s good news …..

The bad news is a charge a hefty fee to spend the night 
That’s bad news….
===============
So I bought us many rounds of drinks, we partied to the hilt 
She brightened up my mood her disposition was so sunny 
The good news is my wife just cheated so I felt no pangs of guilt
That’s good news 

The bad news is I would have to pay this girl a lot of money 
That’s bad news….
=================
The honeymooner suite decor had a tackiness of fashion 
With a Heart shaped bed and pillows and a bottle of free bubbly 

The good news is we kissed with our tongues in a fervent heat of passion 
That’s good news

The bad news is the more we kissed the more her face felt stubbly 
That’s bad news….
===================
So I asked “are you a woman? Your face is rough like you have stubble” 
She dropped her pants and at the same time dropped a big bombshell 

The good news is I stayed quite calm, uninterested in trouble 
That’s good news

The bad news is I was drunk and horny and I figured - what the hell?
That’s bad news….
===================
I went back home the next day and confessed my indiscretion 
And after the therapy, keeping our marriage together is what my wife wants

The good news is our marriage has been great since my confession 
That’s good news

The bad news my butt’s been very sore for many months 
The bad news is ,,,,,,

===================

I've Got Good News And Bad News

Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan
Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan! 

Hollywood celebrities are lured to an award show and are trapped inside by Satan! 
		
Like moths and flying insects, glowing light they are drawn towards 
Hollywood celebrities cannot resist awards
And Satan was aware of this, of course, and sought to trap them 
Lure them to some swanky venue where he could kidnap them!  

Why, you might ask why would Satan kidnap these celebrities 
The women are so beautiful, the men so very handsome
Satan knew that the general public worshipped them like deities 
And with their very souls their fans will gladly pay the ransom!  

Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan
Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan! 

Hollywood celebrities are lured to an award show 
and now Satan holds them hostage 
and their fans must pledge their souls to set them free.

Folks:  Call the 1800 number flashing on your television 
And make your pledge to Satan, that’s spelled “S-A-T-A-N” 
If you choose to make this rather wise and well-informed decision 
Hollywood celebrities will walk the streets again. 

Our target for the first five minutes is one million souls 
And If we hit our target we will let them all go free! 
But If you disappoint us and we don’t achieve our goals 
These Hollywood celebrities will die on live TV!  

Satan:  Let’s bring Tom Hanks up here!  Tommy!  Come up on stage! 
There’s Meryl Streep!   C’mon Meryl! Get up here! 
Jimmy Kimmel!  You old son of a gun!  Get up here!  

Is the guillotine ready?  Bring it out!   

Time to check the tote board!   Timpani!   

Only 50 souls!?  I warned you what would happen! 

<guillotine sound>. 
<crowd gasp>. 

Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan
Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan! 

Hollywood celebrities were lured to an award show 
they were trapped inside by Satan  
And Tom Hanks 
and Meryl Streep 
and Jimmy Kimmel 
were summarily beheaded

Hollywood Celebrities Are Trapped By Satan!

She sat in the cubicle, next to my cubicle 
I noticed no pictures of children just photos of cats 

I asked her about it and she said she never had children 
her cats, she explained, were her children ersatz.  

She said that she never had instincts maternal 
And having a husband or children would just interfere 

With her passion for travel, her numerous hobbies 
And her fervent desire to have a successful career 


Cat Lady 
She’s always thought that children were just burdensome, career-ending brats

Cat Lady 
She doesn’t have kids but she calls herself a mother of cats 

Cat Lady 
Like feminists have always done ignore their biological clocks

Cat Lady 
She traded in a family for a corporate job and a cat litter box 

Cat Lady!  


She went to a top rated college 
and majored in business 
cause that’s where the feminist girls who’re smart went 

She landed a job with a big corporation 
Works in a cubicle 
lives in a swanky apartment 

She never got married or had any children 
and now its too late but 
at least she still has her fur babies 

She never made bottles 
or had to change diapers 
but still has to get her cats shots for distemper and rabies! 


Cat Lady 
She’s always thought that children were just burdensome, career-ending brats

Cat Lady 
She doesn’t have kids but she calls herself a mother of cats 

Cat Lady 
Like feminists have always done ignore their biological clocks

Cat Lady 
She traded in a family for a corporate job and a cat litter box 

Cat Lady!


Living with cats she breathed in lots of dander 
And deep in her throat it had formed in a deadly fur ball 

She stood in her kitchen and clutched at her throat 
And she fainted with nothing beneath her to cushion her fall 

After a few days, Her neighbors could smell her 
They called the police who attempted a life-saving raid 

The cops busted in and discovered her dead on the floor 
With her cats eating skin off her body decayed 


Cat Lady 
She’s always thought children were burdensome, career-ending brats

Cat Lady 
She doesn’t have kids but she calls herself a mother of cats 

Cat Lady 
Like feminists have always done ignore their biological clocks

Cat Lady 
She traded in a family for a corporate job and a cat litter box 

Cat Lady!

Childless Cat Lady

In the country of Guinea 
On an inland plateau 
Where the white European 
Is forbidden to go 

I was kidnapped at spear point and led there 

A council of elders 
Was assembled forthwith 
And they resembled exactly 
The popular myth 

And I understood not a word said there 

I was alone and defenseless 
And they were dancing in circles and scaring me senseless 

How can anyone stand there aloof 
Given tangible proof 
You’ve got blood in your veins?  

On a soft bed of dry Eucalyptus were what appeared to be human remains 

It was the lifeless young body 
Of a warrior slain 
And it accord with religious 
Belief it was lain 

Into the depths of this big iron kettle 

Now they can bury their corpses 
Anyway they see fit 
But when directly beneath it 
A fire was lit 

My stomach was quick to unsettle 

I screamed, “You blood thirsty vultures!”  
This was more than just a trivial difference in cultures 

How could anyone stand there aloof 
Given tangible proof 
With which you can’t come to grips?   

But with a look of paternal assurance a piece was lifted up close to my lips 

And it was the sweetest meat I’d ever tasted 
So sweet it brought tears to my eyes 
You see, nothing there ever gets wasted 
And nobody there ever dies

Two Really Positive Things About Cannibalism

I had mysterious medical symptoms so I made a doctor’s appointment in search of an answer 
And that led to other appointments being x-rayed, poked and prodded, MRI’d 
I received a diagnosis that was hard to hear, a later stage cancer 
I asked the doctor for instructions, “Im new to this doc, its the first time that I’ve died”. 

He’s said, “there’s really nothing to it, its been done many times its almost boring   
You just go on with your life and do the things that you enjoy until you drop.” 
“But I don’t want to die yet doc”, I found myself pathetically imploring.  
“Is there something we could do to buy some time or even or make the cancer stop”?  

Edmund Hillary climbed Everest before anybody did 
Thomas Edison, Jim Morrison and Billy the Kid 
They’re all dead, they’re all dead, they’re all dead

Suleiman the magnificent, who ruled the Ottoman Empire 
Mohammad, Jesus, Buddha and the great Richard Pryor 
They’re all dead, they’re all dead, they’re all dead.  

“Chemotherapy is often used to kill the cancer cells”, the doctor told me 
“But as I’m sure you’ve heard it also kills the normal cells a person needs to thrive. 
 Radiation kills the cancer cells with beams” but then he stated rather coldly 
“For a late stage cancer such as yours, in 5 years, 2 or 3 percent survive” 

“And of course, somebody has to pay for science, these therapies are both expensive
You’ve got insurance but it won’t cover all the costs, your wife and kids will likely pay”
I said, “I appreciate your candor, doc but you’ve left me feeling very apprehensive”. 
He said, “I’m sorry, I’m just your doctor and I wish it didn’t have to be this way”.

Every soldier who enlisted in the first world war 
Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and Zsa Zsa Gabor 
They’re all dead they’re all dead they’re all dead 

Neil Armstrong did the moon walk before Micheal JackSON 
All of the heroes of the Bible and Atilla the Hun 
They’re all dead, they’re all dead, they’re all dead

I said, “doc before I leave here is there anything that you could say to give me. 
Just a little bit of hope before I have to give this news to my kids and my wife?  
Hell, my mother’s almost 90, I can’t believe that she is going to outlive me. 
What did they train you to say to a patient who has come to the end of his life’? 

He said, “I’ve got an 10 year old patient with a tumor in his brain the size of a baseball  
He’s in unbearable pain and between you and me, I don’t think he’ll survive.” 
I knew what he was trying to tell me and in shame I could feel my ungrateful face fall 
Toward my sneakers and in that moment I felt happy that I was ever alive 


All the starving kids in Africa and those with a similar fate 
Sammy davis junior, Alexander the great 
They’re all dead they’re all dead they’re all dead

Leonardo Da Vinci who painted the Mona Lisa 
Albert Einstein, Queen Elizabeth and Mother Teresa 
They’re all dead they’re all dead they’re all dead

Sally Ride who was a member of the doomed space shuttle crew 
Your mom, your dad, your doggie and eventually YOU 
We’re all dead, we’re all dead, we’re all dead!

We're All Dead.


She slammed the door loudly, she tore at her hair then she clawed at her face and she wailed 
I tiptoed away and I very discretely put clothes in a suitcase and bailed 
You might ask yourself: ‘what’s afflicted this woman, what causes such dreadful distress?   
I’m not a doctor but speak from experience:  she has what’s called PMS

So, as I explained she was having a melt down, I packed a few things and skedaddled 
Sometimes its better to run than to fight as you know if a pit bull you’ve battled. 
I get a room at a nearby hotel and I wait for her flow to subside 
I’m not a doctor but speak from experience:  she suffers from crimson tide 

Darling, you know that I love you for numerous reasons, multitudinous reasons the reasons are myriad 

So, It pains me to say 
That I must stay away 
For the 5 or 6 days of every month that you’re having your period

After a few days, I drove by the house to ensure it was not set alight 
I decided to venture inside just to check and make sure everything was alright 
She’s leaps from behind the door holding a butcher’s knife, threatening me with castration!  
I’m not a doctor but speak from experience:  she’s got a wicked menstruation! 

Darling, you know that I love you for numerous reasons, multitudinous reasons the reasons are myriad 

So, It pains me to say 
That I must stay away 
For the 5 or 6 days of every month that you’re having your period

I wrestled the butcher knife out of her hands and immobilized her with ju jitsu 
You might accuse me of story embellishment but I assure that it’s true! 
For five or six days every month from my house to a local hotel I must go 
I’m not a doctor but speak from experience:  she’s got a mean Aunty Flo! 

Darling, you know that I love you for numerous reasons, multitudinous reasons the reasons are myriad 

So, It pains me to say 
That I must stay away 
For the 5 or 6 days of every month that you’re having your period

Period

My camera was rolling 
Recording the trade 
Of powder for pesos 
The Mexicans made 

It was strapped to my side 
And securely concealed 
From ten sets of eyeballs 
In a cocoa bean field 

See, I suckered them into 
Accepting my front 
As a two bit reporter 
On a fact finding hunt 

When they asked what was strapped to my side, I said “Nada” 
For fear of receiving the whole enchilada 

My hands and my feet 
Had been fastened together 
I was sweating profusely 
Because of the weather 

I got none of the food 
Or the water I needed 
My colon had packed up 
Its shit and retreated 

They were holding me hostage 
Until they were sure 
That my motives for having 
A camera were pure 

Which they weren’t meaning I would be Carne Asada 
I unwittingly purchased the whole enchilada 

He mumbles in Spanish 
He points and he chuckles 
He lunges and contacts 
My face with his knuckles 

And I attempted to bargain 
With a muchacho’s grammar 
“Free me and no one 
Will rot in the slammer” 

But he ignored my proposal 
Like I’d made it in fun 
And he banged my cabeza 
With the butt of his gun 

A Grand Canyon snooze or a sundown sonata 
Yours when you purchase the whole enchilada   

I dreamt I was skiing 
On a blanket of snow 
I was nervous and armed to the teeth 

A dead human being 
Popped up from below 
And said “there’s room for one more underneath”.

The Whole Enchilada

She was nervous as a whore in church 
He was higher than an airborne kite 
It was hotter than a firecracker burning in the furnace of hell 

They completed an exhaustive search 
And found a quickie mart that seemed just right 
They were sitting in the running car preparing like two boxers at the bell 

They walked inside as pale as two sheets 
They looked guilty as raccoons inspecting trash 
And they pulled their guns as clumsy as two cows that were both wearing roller skates 

And this is where the road and rubber meets 
The clerk proceeds to give them all his cash 
And they grabbed the cash and ran outside the quickie mart to where their auto waits 

They were dumb as two boxes! 
They were thick as two bricks! 
They were sly as two foxes! 
And as tough as two ticks! 

They were sadder than stray dogs 
But you’ve no cause to pity em!  

Your story’s more interesting told as an idiom. 

They were driving like they slipped the dogs of war 
As excited as two hound dogs on a scent 
And they drove and drove until their tank was drier than a popcorn fart 

The car was useless as two titties on a boar
So they abandoned it and off on foot they went 
Both fugitives now wanted for the robbing of the local quickie mart 

They were dumb as two boxes! 
They were thick as two bricks! 
They were sly as two foxes! 
And as tough as two ticks! 

They were sadder than stray dogs 
But you’ve no cause to pity em!  

Your story’s more interesting told as an idiom.

They rolled the dice, they took the plunge, threw caution to the wind
But soon they’d face the music and be stuck like insects pinned
They sought refuge in the forest like two snakes in knee high thistle 
But soon they heard the sirens like a locomotive’s whistle 

The cops were swarming them like flies on scat 
There was obviously no escape in runnin’ 
They were handcuffed and then read their rights , the cops like priests were asking for confession. 

To use an idiom,  I guess that’s that. 
Just one surprise:  her oven’s got a bun in!  
Behold!  Another story told with idioms:  a figurative expression!  

They were snared like two rabbits 
That weren’t worth two licks
Just Two nasty habits 
That everyone kicks 

They were slumping like poor slobs 
This dirt covered pair 
They were dumber than door knobs 
Or a bag of wet hair 

They were sadder than stray dogs 
But you’ve no cause to pity em!  


Your story’s more interesting told as an idiom.

Idiom

Aliens Or Magic Mushrooms

I was the 4th string quarterback 
Of the Danville High School Vikings 
I never took the field even one single time 
But I was prepared just the same. 

I was the 4th string quarterback 
Of the Danville High School Vikings 
Three of my team mates would have had to be injured 
Before I could enter the game

The legendary quarterback Sir Francis Tarkenton was my prepubescent quarterbacking hero 
He was a smaller man compared to all the big men on the team but he could scramble round, maneuver quick and bob 

And I dreamt that I could play like him, I practiced in the backyard but the chances of that turned out to be zero 
And I tried out for the football team my freshman year in high school with my heart set on the quarterbacking job 

Just like Francis I was smaller than my team mates, 
But, as they say, to our genetics we are shackled 
I didn’t have a rocket for an arm to be completely honest, all my passes were like badly wounded ducks 
I tried to scramble like the legendary Francis, 
but I was way too slow and always wound up tackled 
“he’s a pretty decent fellow” was the general consensus 
but at football this poor white kid really sucks”

I was the 4th string quarterback 
Of the Danville High School Vikings 
I never took the field even one single time 
But I was prepared just the same. 

I was the 4th string quarterback 
Of the Danville High School Vikings 
Three of my classmates would have had to be injured 
Before I could enter the game

If our number one quarterback heaven forbid, were laid flat by an oncoming train 
And our number two quarterback, heaven forbid, were to fall down and rupture his knee
And our number three quarterback, heaven forbid, were to suffer with unbearable pain 
Then who can step in and lead the team onto victory, that’s right, you guessed it, it’s me!  

Fast forward to the last game of our season, seconds left, we were way ahead the game now out of reach 
I was sitting on my ordinary spot upon the bench and I heard the coach was yelling out for me
I ran over and he grabbed me by the face mask, very sternly, with conviction like a pastor did he preach
He said, “this will be the last play of your quarterback career Just take the snap and then you get down on one knee” 


So I ran out on the field for the last play of the game 
Just a second left was showing on the clock 
And I wondered what would happen if I scrambled like Sir Francis 
unexpected, to the end zone I could walk! 
So I took the snap and scrambled to the right with no one blocking 
They all looked at me like I was some buffoon 
And I tripped and fell and that was it my final game was over 
But Fran Tarkenton was there that afternoon

I was the 4th string quarterback 
Of the Danville High School Vikings 
I never took the field even one single time 
But I was prepared just the same. 

I was the 4th string quarterback 
Of the Danville High School Vikings 
Three of my classmates would have had to be injured 
Before I could enter the game

The Fourth String Quarterback

I pulled the cart out from the stack 
And could tell right away it was hobbled 
I should have just put the cart back 
The front wheel violently wobbled 

But I was, of course, running late 
And I thought, with the cart, I could deal 
And thus, I had sealed my fate 
I chose a cart with a wobbly wheel 

My guests would soon be at my door 
The pressure upon me was mounting 
My boss and his wife and the man HE works for 
And the beautiful girl from accounting 

But my cart wheel’s clickety clacking 
My shopping trip now an ordeal 
It’s too late now, there’s no backtracking 
Wehn you’ve chosen a wobbly wheel.  

Wobbly Wheel 

The wobbly wheel made me tardy 
And my guests went home hungry and tired 
My boss was displeased about the missed dinner party 
And I was shortly thereafter that fired 

I never recovered from losing 
My job, it was less than ideal 
God punished me greatly for choosing 
The cart with the wobbly wheel 

Wobbly Wheel 

I stole the cart off of the stack 
I needed a place for my clothes 
I lived under a bridge near a railroad track 
Since the bank on my house did foreclose 

And now a homeless man wanders the city 
From dumpsters he picks his next meal 
But this man doesn’t warrant your pity 
He chose the cart with the wobbly wheel 

Wobbly Wheel

The Wobbly Wheel

My sainted mother’s funeral was in just a few hours 
I was sorrowful and on my iPhone looking for reprieve 

But The TikTok algorithm has unusual powers 
And once you’ve started watching it its difficult to leave

From video to video, you nonchalantly scroll 
They’re chosen just for you and to your interests finely tuned 

It’s like you’ve fallen down into a time consuming hole 
And before you know what’s happened, you’re entire day  is ruined

I’m her son and I’m supposed to give her eulogy 
But I’ve Fallen in a TikTok Hole
Everyone has gathered and were waiting there for me! 
But I’ve Fallen in a TikTok Hole

The funeral had started with my mother in repose
Waiting For her son to eulogize her as she passes

But her son was fully mesmerized by TikTok videos
Watching girls in thong bikinis by the pool shake asses 

I realized what time it was and panic started moving me 
From out the TikTok hole I managed hurriedly to climb 
I ran into the church and I was stared at disapprovingly 
I apologized for being late I’d lost all track of time 

I nearly missed my mother’s wake watching girls shake hiney’s 
Cause  I’d Fallen in a TikTok Hole
I don’t like to blame myself, I blame it on the Chinese!
Cause I’d Fallen in a TikTok Hole
——-
With a swipe of my finger, there’s a scene from the Godfather, Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes
With a swipe of my finger, there’s Chef Gordon Ramsey preparing authentic linguini 
With a swipe of my finger, there’s a clip of the Sex Pistols live with their bassist Sid Viscous 
With a swipe of my finger, there’s a slender young girl by the beach in bright red bikini 
——-
I finished with the eulogy, returned to my hotel
and I thought I’d watch some TikTok videos before my flight

But I fell into a hole, a hole I’ve come to know quite well 
And the hours passed from morning, afternoon and then to night

Some firefighters forced the door and bid me to come with them 
I wasn’t answering my phone and friends called 911 
You see I had succumbed again to that Chinese algorithm 
The invasion of the US by the Chinese has begun!  

I haven’t started packing and the check out time’s eleven 
Cause  I’d Fallen in a TikTok Hole
I have to get back home now that my mother is in heaven 
But I’d Fallen in a TikTok Hole

I watched TikTok videos at work which led to my dismissal 
Cause  I’d Fallen in a TikTok Hole
The Chinese may have conquered us without a single missile 
Cause  we’ve Fallen in a TikTok Hole

I've Fallen In A TikTok Hole!

When I was a boy my father took us on a trip 
And before we left he told us to be sure we drained our snakes 
He said, “Once we hit the road boys don’t you give me any lip
We’re not stopping till we get there, we’ve no time for bathroom breaks 

And of course, I didn’t listen cause I didn’t have to go then 
And we all climbed in the car and driving toward the interstate 
Now I wished I would’ve listened to him but I didn’t know then 
How urgently I’d have to pee but would be forced to wait 

We’d gone perhaps 10 miles when my bladder starts complaining 
And I cried out from the back seat “Dad how long before we get there?”   
My bladder on the verge of overflowing needed draining 
Dad said, “just about an hour son, behave yourself and sit there”   

So I thought” I either pee my pants or tame my swollen bladder”. 
And I tried to think of other things to trick my addled brain 
Its really just a case of mind manipulating matter 
Try not to think of waterfalls or pouring summer rain!  

On an intersecting highway where the interstate connects it 
There are restaurants and stations and all with toilets white and shiny 
I cried, “dad if you need gas then you should take the coming exit” 
But he drove past it and I watched it in the distance growing tiny 

I cried, “Dad I’m very sorry but I need to find a toilet 
He shot back “I told you boys before we left, you didn’t do it!”  
Your mom planned this birthday party, if we’re late we’re gonna spoil it 
We’re not stoppin till we get there, just hold on we’re almost to it 

And so I thought, “i’ll pee a little just to ease my bladder choking 
And I didn’t want my mother’s birthday party to to be spoiled 
But a river soon ensued that had my jeans and car seat soaking 
If you’re not stoppin till you get there, when you get there you’ll be soiled

We're Not Stoppin' Til' We Get There

Now let me first just warn you, 
my description is quite graphic
truck flipped over and caught on fire, 
human limbs strewn all about 
Cars on the highway backed up with a traffic jam growing

Cops had hurried to this crime scene
and were each re-routing traffic 
As they did so, yes I heard them 
each did with authority shout 
“There’s nothing to see here folks, everyone just needs to keep going” 

As I drove slowly past it 
From underneath the wreckage 
The bloody face of the truck driver pokes 

But there’s nothing to see here 
There’s nothing to see here, folks  

============================
A billionaire imprisoned 
For a heinous crime committed 
This man very well connected
Was involved with girls too young
He owned his own island where these underage girls and his powerful friends got entangled 

But two cameras had malfunctioned 
two Guards fell asleep admitted 
And with cameras off and guards asleep 
Himself by the neck he hung 
The coroner told us “there’s nothing to see here folks, just the unfortunate case of a billionaire strangled” 

Sure, two cameras can malfunction 
While two prison guards are sleeping 
And a well connected billionaire croaks 

Hey there’s nothing to see here 
There’s nothing to see here, folks  

============================
An old man leads a nation 
With more armaments than any 
But he clearly has dimensia 
And is frail and senile 
And He’s embroiled in scandals aligned to his son who for years was addicted to crack 

Any rational observer 
Can see the signs and there are many 
His speech is slurred, his gait has stiffened 
He’s found unfit to even stand trial

But our journalists tell us “there’s nothing to see here folks, he’s a spry as a goat and as sharp as a tack!” 

And our enemies are laughing 
At the leader of the free world 
He’s the Butt of their humiliating jokes 

Hey there’s nothing to see here 
There’s nothing to see here, folks  
============================

There’s nothing to see here 
Hey look over there folks!  
Your favorite movie stars on the red carpet in elegant gowns and tuxedos!  

There’s nothing to see here 
Hey look over here folks!  
The super bowl halftime show partially sponsored by Pfizer vaccines and Doritos!  

There’s nothing to see here 
Don’t look over there folks!  
Those are conspiracy theories and hate speech and Russian backed disinformation 

There’s nothing to see here 
I warned you don’t look at that folks!  
Watch our corporate media please for the good of our nation!  

We told you not to look at that folks 
We warned you not to look at that folks 
You need to stop looking there folks
We didn’t want to do this folks 
=============================

A deadly Chinese virus 
Had across the globe been rifled
And with taxpayer money Big Pharma created 
Multiple millions of shots

And millions of people were forced to accept the injection, it was not for these people elective. 

All detractors had been silenced 
All other remedies were stifled 
But side effects were mounting 
Mostly heart attacks and clots 


But our scientists claimed “there’s nothing to see here folks! these vaccines are both safe and effective!”





We’re to act as if its normal 
For Twenty something athletes to suffer 
Massive Heart attacks and strokes 

But there’s nothing to see here 
There’s nothing to see here, folks

There's Nothing to See Here, Folks!

I’m a roofer pounding shingles in the summer heat 
And after work I’m covered head to toe in roofing tar 
And someone says “hey man let’s go and grab a bite to eat” 
There’s a couple ice cold brewskis waiting for us at the bar”

I said, “no, I’d better not. I’ve got to organize my sock drawer” 
“C’mon man come with us it will be a lot of fun!” 
I thought:  Maybe this time I’ll drink less, I’ll eat and laugh and talk more! 
Maybe this time I’ll be happy having only one

I’m never gonna have just one 
And it’s doubtful that I stop at two 
Take it from me
I’ll have a hundred and three 
Before the night is finally through 

Before I go to happy hour  
I tell myself “just have will power” 
But those words are easier said than their done

Yeah, those words are just symbolic 
‘Cause I’m a raging alcoholic 
And I’m never gonna have just one 

We gathered at the bar and bought the crew beers all around 
I sipped mine very slowly, I restrained the urge to chug 
And then I thought I heard the most peculiar sort of sound 
It sounded like a whisper speaking to me from my mug 

“Chug me” it said “chug me” it said “drink me down you need it” 
It said “don’t be such a pussy, you’ve worked all day in the sun” 
If you hear a beer mug talking to you, maybe you should heed it 
And I knew right then that I’d be having more beers than just one. 

I’m never gonna have just one 
And it’s doubtful that I stop at two 
Take it from me
I’ll have a hundred and three 
Before the night is finally through 

Before I go to happy hour  
I tell myself “just have will power” 
But those words are easier said than their done

Yeah, those words are just symbolic 
‘Cause I’m a raging alcoholic 
And I’m never gonna have just one

I chugged that beer and chugged one more and chugged three more right after 
And I thought I heard my empties singing “he’s a jolly good fellow” 
The next thing I remember I heard gasps and shouts and laughter 
“Throw him out he’s had enough” I heard the bar man bellow
Apparently I stood upon on our table with my bone out 
Which, of course, is not acceptable to do for anyone 
And as my face is pummeled by the bouncer and I’m thrown out 
I thought I heard the beer mug whisper, “next time have just one”. 


I’m never gonna have just one 
And it’s doubtful that I stop at two 
Take it from me
I’ll have a hundred and three 
Before the night is finally through 

Before I go to happy hour  
I tell myself “just have will power” 
But those words are easier said than their done

Yeah, those words are just symbolic 
‘Cause I’m a raging alcoholic 
And I’m never gonna have just one

Have Just One

Devil’s kitchen lake 
is the deepest lake in all Illinois 
And one year on spring break 
A friend of mine, a nice jewish boy 
Came to visit me there 
I went to college in a city close by it 
And we were not to be fair 
Outdoorsy men but anxious to try it

Some background perhaps is in order 
My grandad was jewish but grandma not a smidgeon 
Which makes my dad a half jew and me a quarter 
Jewishness is a bloodline as well as a religion 

I asked if he could please bring 
A fishing pole and we’d fish for each meal 
He brought a little kids plaything 
It was pink with Barbie portrayed on the reel 
I said “don’t worry, I’ve got a good pole we’ll take” 
like I knew what I was doing 
And We went to Devils Kitchen Lake 
To camp and fish and spend time canoeing 

We found a campground and excitedly rented 
Two canoes, oars and cushions for floatin’ 
Two rules were very clearly presented:   
Alcohol and swimming were verboten 

We were one and one quarter Jews 
On Devil’s Kitchen Lake in canoes 
We had two fishing poles but only one fishing pole  we could use 
We had a cooler full of beer to the brim 
We decided we would race on a whim 
But only one quarter 
Of the one and one quarter Jews  
Knew how to swim 

So now one and one quarter young jewish guys 
Are Out on the deep lake 
We had fishing and camping supplies 
And beer which was illegal to take 
My friend cast his Charlie Brown fishing pole
It fell apart and it sunk 
Swallowed by this very deep fishing hole 
And by then we were drunk   

In his drunkenness, he said let’s race and he’ll beat me 
He pulled way out in front and appeared to be winning 
But In a flash he flipped over completely 
He tried to grab the canoe but it was spinning. 


We were one and one quarter Jews 
On Devil’s Kitchen Lake in canoes 
We had two fishing poles but only one fishing pole  we could use 
We had a cooler full of beer to the brim 
We decided we would race on a whim 
But only one quarter 
Of the one and one quarter Jews
Knew how to swim 

I jumped in to save him 
And that sent my canoe far adrift 
He grabbed the cushion I gave him 
Like his favorite Hanukah gift 
We steadied the canoe 
And swam it to the nearest lake bank 
Once on shore we both knew 
That our gear and our beer had all sank 

We had to walk back to the campground 2 miles 
And We were several miles from home 
They asked “have you been drinking” to which we issued denials 
We paid for the oars and cushions and we bid them “shalom” 

We were one and one quarter Jews 
On Devil’s Kitchen Lake in canoes 
We had two fishing poles but only one fishing pole  we could use 
We had a cooler full of beer to the brim 
We decided we would race on a whim 
But only one quarter 
of the one and one quarter Jews 
Knew how to swim

One & One Quarter Jews in Canoes

Darling Rebecca was my Spanish instructor 
I was a freshman, she a tenured professor 
She was flirtatious and one night I fucked her 
It was all her idea, I was not the aggressor 

She bid me come with her to a Mexican village
She’d do all the talking and pay all my expenses 
I thought “why I’m still under this professor’s pupillage, 
why not enjoy it before she comes to her senses!  

So, we’ve flown to this village and in a cafe we’re eating
She stood and said bano which means bathroom in Spanish 
I had no worries but my comfort was fleeting 
For subsequent to that, Rebecca did vanish!  

Why did you leave me here darling Rebecca?  
You went to the ladies room and then you vanish?  
And Donde Esta Es La Biblioteca 
Is the only phrase I learned to utter in Spanish. 

I searched the cafe for my darling Rebecca
I needed help but knew one Spanish query 
I shouted: “donde esta es la bibliotecha?”  
They thought me mental and of me grew leary!  

I searched the whole village for my dear, sweet Rebecca 
I ran through the streets and I loudly protested
I screamed, “donde esta es la bibliotecha?   
They thought I’d gone crazy and had me arrested 

Why did you leave me here darling Rebecca?  
You went to the ladies room and then you just vanish?  
And Donde Esta Es La Biblioteca 
Is the only phrase I learned to utter in Spanish.

That was the last time I saw dear Rebecca 
The villagers questioned my mental stability 
I cry “donde esta es la bibliotecha 
All day from my cell in this mental facility 

Why did you leave me here darling Rebecca?  
You went to the ladies room and then you just vanish?  
And Donde Esta Es La Biblioteca 
Is the only phrase I learned to utter in Spanish.

Donde Esta Es La Bibliotecha?

I bought the truck used from a local car lot
The previous owner had been anxious to sell it 
I knew what to look for, it’s not the first truck I’ve bought 
But I sensed a back story and no one would tell it 

I purchased it in spite of that, I ignored my intuition 
And We bonded right away, he became my best pal 
I threw my gear in his bed, and that very day we went fishin 
Who could of thought that he’d be capable of something so foul  

The first sign of trouble came when I took the truck home 
And my wife climbed up into the passenger seat 
He softened the intensity of the light in the dome 
And ever so gently he raised up the heat. 

And instantly, my wife had this infatuation 
With the truck, which felt dirty and terribly wrong 
And then I noticed that he had changed the damn radio station 
To one that was playing her favorite song 

I think my truck wants to fuck my wife 
Well, that’s just my luck, the story of my life 
When the two people for whom I most care 
Behind my back have a tawdry affair 

I think my truck wants to fuck my beautiful wife 
And I don’t know what I’m gonna do 
My truck wants to fuck my wife 
And my wife wants to fuck my truck too 


I know it sounds crazy like some paranoid delusion 
But if you’d seen the things that I’ve seen you’d reach the same conclusion 
They’re not very subtle, they’ve been dropping lots of hints 
When my wife gets in the truck, only her window tints
I caught her last night in our two car garage 
She was waxing my truck naked like she was giving a massage 

I took the truck back to the lot where I bought it 
And I demanded they come clean about the previous owner 
They said he told them he heard moaning from the driveway and caught it 
Using its parking brake on his wife like a boner 

I said, “my god this truck’s possessed” you should have warned prospective buyers! 
You need to give me back my money, I’m protected by law! 
They said calm down and think it over, you love this truck and its got new tires! 
Maybe open your mind, you ever heard of menage a trois?  

So, I traded it back in on some generic truck or other 
But it saddened me greatly nearly brought me to tears 
My wife was apoplectic, she acted like I killed her mother!  
Her reaction seemed to justify the darkest of my fears 

I said, “maybe we could try this, there’s no downside if we fail” 
Maybe other couples do this, I know there has to be some 
I went back to the dealership and our boy was still for sale!   
I brought him back and took him home and now we have ourselves a threesome!  

Now my truck likes to fuck my wife 
Well, that’s just my luck, the story of my life 
He’s not a human being but make no mistake 
He really knows how to use his parking brake! 

Now my truck likes to fuck my wife 
And I’ll join them after I’ve put down a few 
My truck likes to fuck my hot, sexy wife 
And my wife likes to fuck us both too

Just Another Typical Pickup Truck Song

Snot Monster!
Snot Monster! 

A blobulent brownish green fluid erupts from a young boy’s tumultuous sneeze
It’s very unpleasant to look at and if not cleaned up could transmit disease 
It goes undetected on top of a smooth kitchen counter where the young boy had sneezed it 
And quite unexpectedly, rises and sings as if magical forces had seized it 

Snot Monster!
Snot Monster!

It cried “Why do all of you hate me?   
Am I not a fair sight to behold?  
Oh, I miss my former life greatly
just a clog in the nose of a boy with a cold 

But he sneezed!  He sneezed! 
And I was ripped from my home and sent through the air flying 
He sneezed!  He sneezed! 
And now I’m stranded on this kitchen counter, bit by bit dying 

And When I’m discovered, they’ll spray me 
With cleansers and powerful bleaches 
With no thought for my life they’ll slay me
And then wipe me from the Earth if the paper towel reaches 

Cause He sneezed!  He sneezed! 
And I was shot through his nostril like a brown green torpedo 
He sneezed!  He sneezed! 
My only hope now is to stay incognito 


What was that?  I hear them! 
They’re coming to make dinner 
They’ll see me on the counter 
And promptly sanitize! 

Maybe if I’m quiet 
They’ll brush me with a finger 
And use that very finger 
To rub their mouth or eyes! 

And then I’ll start a new life 
And clog a brand new nostril 
And make a brand new throat sore 
Oh wouldn’t that be grand?   

But wait what’s this?  She sees me!  
And she’s reaches in the cabinet 
And she’s got some disinfectant 
Pointed at me in her hand!  

Oh my god!  Someone sneezed on the counter!  Gross!  


Please!  Please!  
Please don’t spray me, disinfectant kills me dead on the spot 
Please!  Please!  
Have mercy on this blobulent brown greenish snot! 

Aaaaargh!  

Snot Monster!
Snot Monster!

The Brief Life And Horrific Death of Snot Monster

Fixed

She said, “He Spanked Me"

We Are All In Jeopardy!

The whiskers of the fresh water catfish 
Are more dangerous than maybe they might look 
If you’re fishing and you happen to catch that fish  
Please be careful when you’re taking out the hook 
 
My fiancee’s father took me with him fishing 
In his boat out on a giant fishing lake 
I was eager to score points and so was wishing 
A good impression of myself that I would make 

He caught a fish each time he cast his line out 
He caught 10 fish in just an hour span 
I didn’t get a single bite when I cast mine out 
And it looked as though I was the lesser man 

The whiskers of the fresh water catfish 
Are more dangerous than maybe they might look 
If you’re fishing and you happen to catch that fish  
Please be careful when you’re taking out the hook  

I accepted that this outing was a fail 
When my fishing line from slack grew very taught 
It felt like I had landed a small whale 
It pulled our boat ten yards, I shit you not! 

I fought this beast until my legs were jelly 
I pulled it in with all the strength I had 
But I’d hooked it in its giant catfish belly   
And apparently that really makes them mad! 

The whiskers of the fresh water catfish 
Are more dangerous than maybe they look 
If you’re fishing and you happen to catch that fish  
Please be careful when you’re taking out the hook

It squirmed and thrashed, its whiskers all aflutter 
I grabbed it which in hindsight was quite dumb 
Like a hypodermic needle into butter 
A whisker found its way into my thumb!

I’ll admit I cried a little and grew queasy 
My fiancee’s father was not sympathetic 
Pulling out a catfish barb’s not easy 
And Screaming like a school girl is pathetic 
 
The whiskers of the fresh water catfish 
Are more dangerous than maybe they look 
If you’re fishing and you happen to catch that fish  
Please be careful when you’re taking out the hook

The Whiskers of the Freshwater Catfish

He had a tight grip on the scruff of my polo shirt collar 
in the hallway adjoining our civil war history class 
He was tougher than I was and maybe a few inches taller 
And for reasons unknown sought to pummel my innocent ass 

He was a black kid who had learned early on to hate whitey 
A philosophy passed from his parents that they got from theirs 
I was sick of harassment, the hatred was welling inside me 
And for just a few seconds, our eyeballs were locked in death stares 

And He said, 
What are you lookin at punk, 
you wanna fight me?    
                           
And I lowered my gaze not from fear, I wasn’t scared to fight, honest

I just thought, teeth getting knocked from my head 
might be unsightly 

And besides my sainted mother was still paying our orthodontist   

A crowd of kids gathered around and then quickly fell silent
They watched me surrender my dignity up in disgrace 
We teach all our kids they should never fight back or be violent 
But I deeply regret I didn’t punch that kid square in the face 

He let me loose and I suffered the crowd’s scorn and laughter 
But my teeth were in place and my eyes in their sockets secured 
The damage he’d done I wouldn’t feel until many years after 
I’ve replayed that day in my mind, so many times its absurd 

And He said, What are you lookin at punk, 
you wanna fight me?    

See, I didn’t want to hurt the kid, I was well trained in Karate 

So I refused to his invitation but I did so extremely politely   

I put my head down and walked slowly past the whole student body 

I’ve had a good life with that I’ll not quibble or bicker 
As shakespeare once wrote: “my brow’s bound with a victory wreath” 
But As TS Eliot wrote, “I saw the moment of my greatness flicker” 

And when the time came for me to stand up and fight, 
I elected to keep all my teeth  


If I saw that man again, I’d take his black hand and I’d shake it 
He helped me see the truth about myself for which I’m empowered  
I’ve got many fine qualities but there’s no point in trying to fake it  
Deep down inside, I’m just a sniveling coward 

And He said, What are you lookin at punk, 
you wanna fight me?    
                           
After he said that, I lowered my gaze there and then   

And now I’m cursed to replay it in mind, practically nightly 

And I wonder, would I fight that kid if I do it over again?

What Are YOU Lookin' At Punk!?

I was born over 600 years ago 
I remember the evening quite clearly  
I was a farmer with a wife and two children in tow 
And I recall that I loved them quite dearly 

But I patronized a brothel, a poor choice so it seems 
You see, my wife was a god-fearing person 
And I suffered from deviant sexual dreams 
That left unfulfilled would certainly worsen 

Having chosen a prostitute and agreed on a rate
At my request, hands and feet both were bound 
She climbed onto my face and with the force of her weight 
In her womanly juices I drowned 

And I awoke to be this hideous creature 
The need for food and water now moot 
I possessed did I this hideous feature 
To live, I must consume the juice produced within the feminine fruit 

Vampire
I thrive on what a woman produces 
I’m nourished by her vaginal juices 
Vampire 
Vampire

Vampire
It’s strange the things that fate often brings us 
I’m starving to perform cunnilingus 
Vampire 
Vampire

So for 600 years now, I seek the places women dance 
The food supply is marvelously ample 
Once I lock onto a victim, I can put her in a trance 
Allow me to provide you an example:

I’ll spot a girl who’s young and pretty,  perhaps a bit naive 
Like grocery shopping, learn to read the label 
And I’ll coax her into trusting me, “i’ve got nothing up my sleeve” 
And then arrange for us to have a corner table 

I’ll say something, like  “you’re lovely what brings you here  tonight 
And she’ll respond with BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH 
And I’ll say “my goodness aren’t you witty, so refined and erudite” 
And then she says “YA DA YA DA YA DA YA DA YA DA” 

I’ll flag the waiter:  “please bring a water for my very thirsty friend 
For the best juice, you should keep your prey hydrated 
And after all these years of practice, I’ll guarantee by evening’s end 
Between her naked thighs my hungry face and mouth will be completely situated 


Vampire
I bring women such immense satisfaction 
With the technique I employ for extraction  
Vampire 
Vampire

Vampire
A vagina’s like a sponge yet it’s porous 
I know my way around a clitoris 
Vampire 
Vampire

But There were nights when even Michael Jordan wasn’t on his game
As is true in any specialized endeavor 
In spite of all my successes, all the women who have came 
It was such a night that changed my life forever 

This gorgeous gal sat all alone and I had no time to grapple 
The club was closing and I was very near starvation 
I sat with her and as we spoke I observed an adam’s apple 
But I ignored that and won the battle of persuasion 

We left the club together, arm in arm with no refusal 
And once in her apartment safely in 
She sat down on the couch, I dove between her legs as usual 
But found a penis where vagina should have been 

I thought, After 600 years, am I kicking the bucket?  
As I was face to face with this lady’s throbbing dick 
In desperation, I decided, that I’d might as well just suck it 
And the protein I extracted from this gorgeous lady’s penis did the trick! 

Vampire
600 years ago could not have forseen this  
In a pinch you can just substitute a penis 
Vampire 
Vampire 

Vampire
This story wasn’t really meant to offend you 
It’s just I’ve doubled up the size of my menu 
Vampire 
Vampire 


The BDSM-Trans-Bi-Sexual Secretions Vampire Tango

Thank you sir for holding, how can I assist you today?   
My computer’s acting strangely, why is it behaving this way?   
I will work to diagnose the issue that you’re having, 
But let’s start with something simple to begin 

Please Unplug it 
And then you plug it back in. 

I thought I didn’t understand his English, he was struggling to talk it 
“You’re asking me to pull the plug and then replace the plug back in the socket?”  
He said, “yes its very simple sir, I think you’re understanding 
But just in case, I’ll say it once again. 

Please Unplug it 
And then you plug it back in

Unplug it and then you plug it back in 

Sometimes you’ve got to turn the power off and turn the power on again 
Before you try to fix it with a slap, a kick or duck tape or you poke it with an old bobby pin 

First unplug it 
And then you plug it back in

Well, I did as he instructed, I unplugged it and the screen went black 
And then I plugged it right back in and whirred and purred until its life came back 
I said, “thank you, Sanjay. Thank you! I have followed your instructions 
and my problems have been solved now from within 

I unplugged it 
And then I plugged it back in. 

Unplug it and then you plug it back in 

Sometimes you’ve got to turn the power off and turn the power on again 
Before you try to fix it with a slap, a kick or duck tape or you poke it with an old bobby pin 

First unplug it 
And then you plug it back in

Unplug It & Then Plug It Back In

She was crossing the street on a motorized scooter 
A car turning left didn’t see her and wrecked it 
They say that the brain is the body’s computer 
And the skull is the casing that serves to protect it 

She’s flung nearly ten yards her skull cracks the street 
The damage incurred by her brain was severe 
Just like her name implies, Candy was sweet 
But now we’re not sure whether Candy’s still here 

She sang karaoke and drank chardonnay 
She couldn’t drive, she couldn’t learn how. 
Yes, that was Candy yesterday 
But this is Candy now

She was rushed to the hospital, hurt quite severely 
Her brain was now swollen and bleeding inside 
Her family grieved for they loved Candy dearly 
And would have been crushed had their sweet Candy died

By a careless driver she’d been recklessly assaulted
And now she’s in a gurney tightly strapped 
Our brains are like a vulnerable ball of chocolate malted 
Subject to disintegration when they are unwrapped 

She was sweet as her namesake but she was mentally slow 
And yet she’d made herself a nice life somehow 
But, that was Candy long ago 
And this is Candy now

Riding on her scooter on the way to Bible Study 
No helmet on or seat belt there to strap her 
Then suddenly she’s lying on the pavement hurt and bloody 
A candy bar no longer safely wrapped inside its wrapper 

Many months have past now since that car abruptly hit her 
Her physical condition grows progressively worse 
You cannot blame her family who quietly consider 
Whether her survival was a blessing or a curse?  

Her limbs and face contorted as she staggers room to room
Senseless screams and cries she’s loudly belting 
Her family is as shattered as you rightly might assume
Helplessly they’re forced to watch their Candy slowly melting 

She sang karaoke and she drank chardonnay 
She couldn’t drive, she couldn’t learn how. 
Yes, that was Candy yesterday 
And this is Candy now


This Is Candy Now

On a planet resembling Earth, in a Galaxy far, far away 
There were creatures resembling humans of two pigmentations: one red and one blue 
And the red ones instructed the blue ones that there is one word that THEY must never say. 
And they will be ostracized, subject to violence or otherwise harmed if they do. 

You see, one or two centuries prior, the blue ones held red ones enslaved 
And there was a word that the Blue ones would use to refer to the red ones possessed
And though they had long since been freed, in lieu of the justice they craved 
They insisted the blue ones should never again breathe that word, not even in jest

And the blues ones at first were quite gladly compliant, at first they completely concurred
But the red ones adopted this word as a term of endearment, not a hideous curse!  
And now and again some poor Blue would get loose with its tongue and then out popped that word! 
And red ones who heard it were given free license to beat the blue or something worse! 

Even the most rich and powerful Blue ones if ever that word did they say
Were forced to make public apologies, tearfully beg for forgiveness, repentant 
that’s just the trouble with pendulums swinging too wide can the pendulums sway 
What started as simply a politic gesture was simmering now as resentment 

Words are just noises you make to express an idea you may have at the time
Our primitive ancestors, warning of predators, made noises just to alert you 
Always remember the words that are used in that world famous nursery rhyme:
Sticks and Stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you 

Most Blues were fine with not saying the word, its insulting so why not refrain 
And all of that’s true but it’s rather short sighted and frankly it misses the point  
The point is that blue ones were forced to comply or else suffer the punishment’s pain 
And when rules don’t apply to both red and blue equally, blue noses get out of joint 

So small bands of blues started saying the word in their home and amongst other blues 
And the building resentment would over time lead to a war pitting race against race 
Only slaves are subjected to punishment over expressing unpopular views 
Free people use any words that they want to:  a warning from deep outer space!

The Word You Dare Not Say

I climbed up on a stool 
Around my neck the rope wrapping 
I pushed the stool away for it was weight bearing 

I woke up in my drool 
On the couch I’d been napping 
Football on the TV was blaring 

Someone knocking, Who is it?  
When I arose all my snacking 
Flew off me in a cloud of junk food

It was my girlfriend come to visit 
But I sent that girl packing 
On Suicide Sunday, I prefer solitude  

Suicide Sunday 
I think it’s common among us 
Its not my own personal quirk 

For the next day is Monday 
And if the noose hasn’t hung us 
We have to get dressed and go back to work 

My girlfriend was furious 
She felt rejected apropos 
She assumed she had an open invitation 

When She calmed down, she was curious 
So I quoted Henry D Thoreau 
“most men live lives of quiet desperation” 

In our cubicles we all cloister 
And To our bosses deferential 
As we suckle on the corporate teat 

The world used to be my oyster 
I used to have so much potential 
And on Suicide Sunday, I must admit my defeat 

Suicide Sunday 
I think it’s common among us 
Its not my own personal quirk 

For the next day is Monday 
And if the noose hasn’t hung us 
We have to get dressed and go back to work 


Why do so many men seem to secretly hate their employment?  
xxIt pays them and feeds them like a hamster fed for running his wheel 
It pays us and feeds us and yet we spend so much energy griping 
Our ancestors broke their backs in the hot sun with not a moment’s enjoyment 
And I’m bitching about sitting in a comfortable chair, in an air conditioned cubicle typing?

The girlfriend is my wife now 
Another company has employed me 
As they say what’s not broke you don’t fix 

I’m content with my life now 
But on Sundays please avoid me 
Cause You can’t teach an old dog new tricks 

I drink a six pack and a bag of chips 
I dream that no one’s gonna save me 
As A rope around my neck’s tightly noosed 

Its on Sundays that I come to grips 
I didn’t use what god gave me 
On Suicide Sundays, my pigeons come to roost

Suicide Sunday 
I think it’s common among us 
Its not my own personal quirk 

For the next day is Monday 
And if the noose hasn’t hung us 
We have to get dressed and go back to work

It's Suicide Sunday!

I write story songs.   Many of the stories are true.

Watch my videos!  YouTube:   https://youtube.com/@turtlefrogman?feature=shared

Topics:   Sexual fetishes, reincarnation, sleep apnea, women who don't shave, the story of January 6th 2021, COVID, drug use, pizza place robbery, weddings, divorces and funerals, cannibalism, the story of Joe Biden, transgenderism and pronouns, erectile dysfunction, the World Economic Forum, the story of the USS Indianapolis, time machines, accidents with laxatives, school yard fights, proctologists, teen moms, scientific studies, genital warts, generational divides, national divorce, peeping toms, abortion, petty theft, DIY screws and mental health, suicide etc.

TurtleFrogMan

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