I was sitting in an airport lounge, sipping on some overpriced wine 
before my plane was due to depart 

She was very pretty indeed and sat down on a stool near mine 
And it didn’t take long for the small talk to start 

She asked about my flight and the logistics and in general the purpose of my trip 
And I asked her the same in an effort to be nice 

And then she asked me something no one ever had, it made my brain do a double back flip 
A question so disturbing, I was frozen like a block of ice 

She asked me, “What are your pronouns?”    

I asked her “what she meant by that”, I really didn’t how to react 
When the age old lines of demarcation blur 

She said, “I didn’t want to just presume that you were a man in fact. 
She said proudly, “my pronouns are she and her”

She asked me, “What are your pronouns?”    

She said, there are many possibilities, you might look like a man and might be one 
You might look like a man but prefer to be referred to as a “she”

Or you might be a woman under there, you shouldn’t see a man and think that you see one 
Maybe you’re a woman who prefers to be referred to as a “he” 

She asked me, “What are your pronouns?”    

I could sense that was getting upset, because I wouldn’t play the game she plays 
She said “let me help you out, I’m gonna go out on a limb.” 

You’re just another angry white male, longing for the good old days 
I’m willing to bet that your pronouns are “he and him”  

She asked me, “What are your pronouns?”    

I gathered my belongings and turned, apologized for making her mad 
And left to find the gate for the plane ride back home 

And I thought about the lessons I’d learned, in a history class I once had 
About the decadent days that preceded the fall of Rome

TurtleFrogMan

What Are YOUR Pronouns?

My wife and I were playing pool, you see, our marriage had grown stale 
And we agreed to have a date night to address our Marriage troubles 
A young couple put their quarters on the billiard table rail 
And asked if they could join us in a friendly game of doubles 

And this couple was attractive, they lived together I should mention 
And in no time we were all of us, engaged in harmless flirting 
My wife and I  seemed to come alive, like we were starving for attention 
And the thrill that I got watching my wife flirt was disconcerting 

Between the time that had elapsed and our perception was a slight gap 
the hours passed like minutes and to our shock the bar was closing 
“hey! we just bought a new hot tub why don’t you come back to our place for a night cap?” 
And naively we agreed to what our young friends were proposing 

Let’s take a momentary pause in the telling of our tale 
Do you think they should continue or stop?  
Will they continue unabated or will cooler heads prevail?  
Are these couples really going to swap?

We followed them back to their home and once we had all inside gathered 
We exchanged the typical pleasantries | and we got the typical tour 
And then they led us back to their hot tub and the water was already lathered 
He said, “let me pour us some drinks | what is your liquor du jour?”

He returned and he gleefully shouted, “Let’s get into that hot tub and drink!” 
I said, “we didn’t bring any swimming suits | perhaps you might have two to spare?”
And they looked at me like I was joking | and he gave me a devilish wink 
He said, “nobody under age 80 gets into our hot tub unless they are bare!”  

Let’s take a momentary pause in the telling of our tale 
Do you think they will continue or stop?  
Will they continue unabated or will cooler heads prevail?  
Are these couples really going to swap?

Now my wife and I are conservative and keenly aware of the dangers 
Of drinking too much and we normally | know when we both ought to stop 
But here we were on the verge of undressing| |. In front of these virtual strangers 
And it was slowly becoming apparent | That this couple was eager to swap 

Sometimes you commit to an action | and you feel like you have to proceed
In spite of the voices you hear in your head | that scream “fire only gets hotter” 
I looked at my wife and she nervously smiled | I could tell we both agreed 
Both of us quickly undressed and slipped into the depths of the roiling water 

Let’s take a momentary pause in the telling of our tale 
Do you think they will continue or stop?  
Will they continue down this pathway or will cooler heads prevail?  
Are these couples really going to swap?


So the four of us were naked beneath the froth and all the bubbles 
And I broke the awkward silence with what I thought a pithy toast 
“to think this all got started with a friendly game of doubles 
And just then my wife jumped up and screamed as if she’d seen a ghost 

She cried “I’m sorry we have stop now.  Our marriage will not make it through this. 
He had tried to caress my wife’s thigh which for her was a bridge too far. 
I apologized to this couple and said “we’re just not the sort of people that do this” 
We gathered up our clothes, left their house and went back to our car 

And now we’ve come to what appears to be the ending of our tale 
Should they have waited for the next shoe to drop?
Will their marriage show improvement or is it doomed to fail?    
Did they secretly desire to Swap?

Couples Swap

On his motel room floor, my friend Chuck let me crash 
I had a bus ticket to Chicago and 200 in cash 
This free place to stay was a generous gift 
See, I had dropped out of college and my life was adrift 

While Chuck was at work, the motel owner came pounding 
He said “You haven’t paid a dime in rent and I’m tired of hounding” 
I said, “When Chuck returns from work, I will remind him to pay” 
He said, “I calling the sheriff, I want my money today”. 

You can call me a deadbeat or whatever you’d like 
But I gathered my belongings and I boarded my bike   
And made haste to the bus station with the coppers en route 
I never spoke to Chuck again, I hope they worked it all out 

This is quite a long story, you should try to hang loose 
Pour yourself a stiff drink to enjoy 
I’m getting to the part where I was bit by a goose 
In Schaumburg, Illinois

I had a friend up in Schaumburg who invited me to stay 
Schaumburg is a suburb of Chicago by the way 
So I took the bus to Chicago and left my troubles behind it 
I had his and address and phone number so I’d figured I’d find it 

I took the L train to Schaumburg and it was shocking to me 
Nothing but farm land as far as my eyes could see 
No taxi cabs or buses, no pay phones around 
So I just starting walking down the first road I found 

And this road let to a highway but which direction do I go 
My only hope was to hitchhike and so with dread I did so 
A guy in a pickup stopped, I showed the address I’d written 
He said, “get in the back with my dog, don’t worry he’s never bitten”. 

He was a grown man but unarmed, afraid of abuse 
At heart, just a scared mama’s boy 
He’s getting to the part where he was bit by a goose 
In Schaumburg, Illinois

And this man who picked me up finally found the address 
I had feared this guy would murder me, I must confess 
He let me out of his truck and I was practically giddy 
He said, “I used a quarter tank of gas, how bout you give me a fiddy?”

My friend’s apartment had a number like one zero three 
I found 101 and 104 so where the hell could it be?  
I looked for it doggedly but it could not be found 
I asked several people I saw milling around 

But no one could help me solve this new mystery 
Where in god’s name was apartment 1 zero three?   
I was at my wit’s end, I nearly broke down and cried 
It’s like my dog, my mom, my best friend and my dreams had all died 

He felt as useless as garbage, just like human refuse 
He had lost every semblance of joy 
He’s  nearly to the part where he’s bit by a goose 
In Schaumburg, Illinois 

I saw the big golden arches, about a 1/2 mile yonder
I thought I’ll buy a hot cup of coffee and reflectively ponder 
And so I headed down the sidewalk and I had traveled a piece 
And on the left I saw a big pond and big flock of geese 

I thought nothing more of it, I thought the geese would ignore me  
But out of my left eye I saw these geese coming for me 
I started running but it was too late they had already caught me 
And on my left thigh just below my butt this big fucker got me 

The rest of the story isn’t very exciting 
I found my friend’s apartment but by week’s end we were fighting 
Over some girl in a bar, to even say it makes me wince 
And the next day I was on a bus and I haven’t seen my friend since 

He’s ashamed of himself, there’s simply no good excuse 
For letting some girl his friendship destroy 
But now he’s told you the story of being bit by a goose 
In Schaumburg, Illinois

I Was Bitten By a Goose in Schaumburg, Illinois

They cordoned off a few blocks and some more of these 
For those of us who are not vaccinated 

A plexiglass wall erected by the authorities
To keep the populations separated 

You could argue we deserve this derision 
We’re treated like we’re sick or unclean 

We’re here because we made the decision 
To refuse to take the government’s vaccine  

From the barricade, I watched her walking slowly
Toward the clinic, to receive her daily booster 

She was so beautiful, you could almost call her holy 
For I was certain only god could have produced her 

But There’s no vaccination for love 
And the case load can never be projected 
But There’s no vaccination for love 
The contact tracing can’t be collected 
There’s no vaccination for love 
No testing for its ever been perfected 
There’s no vaccination for love
And you’re lucky if you’ve ever been infected

For months and months I came back to see her 
Her daily booster shot was mandatory 

From her vaccinated prison, I could free her 
If I could only have a chance to tell my story 

I climbed the barricade like a phoenix risen 
I looked for cops around but didn’t see them

I approached her and said  “I can free you from this prison”
“come with me over the wall and live in freedom” 

This is the part where you ask how our first date went 
She screamed and to the cops I was reported 

To say I fucked up would be quite an understatement   
I was arrested and tested and over the wall escorted 

But There’s no vaccination for love 
There’s no therapeutic medicines for you and me
But There’s no vaccination for love 
When it hits you man, it hits you with impunity
There’s no vaccination for love 
And that means that you ‘re a threat to the community
There’s no vaccination for love
Over time you tend to build up an immunity

There's No Vaccination For Love

A man takes a popular hair growing pharmaceutical and experiences growth in an unwanted area.

Common Side Effects Of This Include......

I had a friend whose mechanical aptitude was nothing short of sublime 
And when it comes to the physical sciences, he was quite thoroughly versed 
Over drinks he informed me he’d built a device that could transport a person through time 
And he asked if I’d help him to test his invention by taking the risk to be first 

And of course, I agreed, I mean who wouldn’t jump at the chance to revisit the past 
To travel through time like explorers in history, way off the beaten path, way off 
Think of it, you could buy bitcoins for pennies, return with a fortune amassed 
Or you could save 6 million jews from the ovens by killing an infant named Adolph 

I got in the vehicle, strapped on a helmet and made sure that my seat belt was snug 
It smoked and it whirred and it made lots of noises and spun like a carnival ride 
My friend warned me he couldn’t gauge where’d I’d travel to due to a programming bug  
It crashed to the ground and I started inspecting myself to ensure I’d not died 

I opened the hatch and was greeted by hundreds of savages, scantily clad 
It was clearly apparent that one was the leader, I offered my hand, “how are you sir?”  
They raised up their spears in defense of their leader who asked “are you a god, good or bad?”  
I said “i am no god and I mean you no harm, I am a man from the future”.  

At first they seemed welcoming, happy to have me, they asked of the future enthused 
I told them we sit on a seat we call toilet, it carries our waste through a pipe  
That flows to a waste water treatment facility where it is cleaned and reused 
And rather than leaves we have rolls of soft paper we use when we’re done and we wipe 

I told them that we live in houses and don’t sweat in summer nor in winter shiver 
Our heat and light come from electrons, these particles floating that none of us see 
But they thought me a god making promises to them that now I would have to deliver 
And just then, their leader arose and was forcefully speaking directly to me: 

“We want the things you describe, you’re a god, there’s a way you can give us these isn’t there?”
I apologized to him, “I don’t have the knowledge I’d need to build these things for you”. 
But this explanation was not satisfactory, I was then taken as prisoner 
You will build us these lights and these toilets you speak of, we will keep you here until you do 

But I can’t invent electricity even a toilet to me seems complex 
How does the poo and pee move through the pipe for great distances, miles and miles?  
Instead of learning such things I spent all of my free time in bars hunting drunk girls for sex 
I’m just a monkey who pushes down buttons, flips switches, swipes right and turns dials 

So, If you’re given the chance to learn how the world works I suggest you perhaps do 
Don’t be like me and expend all your free time in drinking and other tomfoolery 
I don’t know their customs, I don’t hunt or fish, I’m a prisoner now they throw scraps to 
They’ve taken apart my time travel machine and wear some of the parts like it’s jewelry

A Modern Monkey In A Time Machine

Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan
Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan! 

Hollywood celebrities are lured to an award show and are trapped inside by Satan! 
		
Like moths and flying insects, glowing light they are drawn towards 
Hollywood celebrities cannot resist awards
And Satan was aware of this, of course, and sought to trap them 
Lure them to some swanky venue where he could kidnap them!  

Why, you might ask why would Satan kidnap these celebrities 
The women are so beautiful, the men so very handsome
Satan knew that the general public worshipped them like deities 
And with their very souls their fans will gladly pay the ransom!  

Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan
Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan! 

Hollywood celebrities are lured to an award show 
and now Satan holds them hostage 
and their fans must pledge their souls to set them free.

Folks:  Call the 1800 number flashing on your television 
And make your pledge to Satan, that’s spelled “S-A-T-A-N” 
If you choose to make this rather wise and well-informed decision 
Hollywood celebrities will walk the streets again. 

Our target for the first five minutes is one million souls 
And If we hit our target we will let them all go free! 
But If you disappoint us and we don’t achieve our goals 
These Hollywood celebrities will die on live TV!  

Satan:  Let’s bring Tom Hanks up here!  Tommy!  Come up on stage! 
There’s Meryl Streep!   C’mon Meryl! Get up here! 
Jimmy Kimmel!  You old son of a gun!  Get up here!  

Is the guillotine ready?  Bring it out!   

Time to check the tote board!   Timpani!   

Only 50 souls!?  I warned you what would happen! 

<guillotine sound>. 
<crowd gasp>. 

Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan
Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan! 

Hollywood celebrities were lured to an award show 
they were trapped inside by Satan  
And Tom Hanks 
and Meryl Streep 
and Jimmy Kimmel 
were summarily beheaded

Hollywood Celebrities Are Trapped By Satan!

I said, “pack your bags my dearest wife, we’re leaving on vacation!” 
She said, “what?  I can’t believe this!  How surprising!  Where’re we going?”  
But I relished her excitement and intense anticipation 
And I said, “don’t you worry just get packed. There’s no need yet you knowing!” 

She said, “I need to know which clothes to pack, are we heading north or south? 
I said, “pack a skimpy swimsuit or a thong!”   
I didn’t want to tip her off so I had to watch my mouth 
I thought “man, you’ve done it this time!  There’s no way this could go wrong!” 

Of course our destination at the airport was revealed 
She said, “Oh my gosh Jamaica!  Its so tropical and hot there!” 
But there was yet another secret that I had kept concealed 
And she wouldn’t be the wiser till it was too late and we got there!  

I envisioned we’d walk hand in hand 
Up and down the golden sand 
Both naked we would frolic and cavort 

See, I surprised my wife 
With an all expenses paid vacation 
To a Nude Resort!  

Something I should mention is my wife is quite self-contious 
She’s embarrassed by her body cause she thinks she’s really fat 
But I figured once she saw the other women and their paunches 
She’d realize how good she looks and be confident of that 

We arrived at the resort and got all checked into our room 
She said, “let’s have happy hour get some drinks and have some food!” 
I didn’t realize that I was moments from impending doom 
I couldn’t wait to see her face when she saw everyone was nude!  

I envisioned we’d walk hand in hand 
Up and down the golden sand 
Both naked we would frolic and cavort 

See, I surprised my wife 
With an all expenses paid vacation 
To a Nude Resort!  

So we left the room and went down to a small poolside cafe 
I was bursting at the seams to let her in on my surprise   
She looked out toward the pool and then she quickly looked away 
She said, “oh my god, those people are naked!  I can’t believe my eyes!” 

I said, “isn’t this great!  I just knew you would love it!  Let’s take off our clothes and go mingle!” 
She said, “If you think I’m taking my clothes off in front of these strangers you’re out of your tree” 
I said, “honey I booked this vacation for us! I’ll look weird at a nude resort single!”
She said, “I’m gonna stay in the room and read books, this vacation’s for you not for me


I envisioned we’d walk hand in hand 
Up and down the golden sand 
Both naked we would frolic and cavort 

See, I surprised my wife 
With an all expenses paid vacation 
To a Nude Resort!

All Expenses Paid Vacation To a Nude Resort

I had mysterious medical symptoms so I made a doctor’s appointment in search of an answer 
And that led to other appointments being x-rayed, poked and prodded, MRI’d 
I received a diagnosis that was hard to hear, a later stage cancer 
I asked the doctor for instructions, “Im new to this doc, its the first time that I’ve died”. 

He’s said, “there’s really nothing to it, its been done many times its almost boring   
You just go on with your life and do the things that you enjoy until you drop.” 
“But I don’t want to die yet doc”, I found myself pathetically imploring.  
“Is there something we could do to buy some time or even or make the cancer stop”?  

Edmund Hillary climbed Everest before anybody did 
Thomas Edison, Jim Morrison and Billy the Kid 
They’re all dead, they’re all dead, they’re all dead

Suleiman the magnificent, who ruled the Ottoman Empire 
Mohammad, Jesus, Buddha and the great Richard Pryor 
They’re all dead, they’re all dead, they’re all dead.  

“Chemotherapy is often used to kill the cancer cells”, the doctor told me 
“But as I’m sure you’ve heard it also kills the normal cells a person needs to thrive. 
 Radiation kills the cancer cells with beams” but then he stated rather coldly 
“For a late stage cancer such as yours, in 5 years, 2 or 3 percent survive” 

“And of course, somebody has to pay for science, these therapies are both expensive
You’ve got insurance but it won’t cover all the costs, your wife and kids will likely pay”
I said, “I appreciate your candor, doc but you’ve left me feeling very apprehensive”. 
He said, “I’m sorry, I’m just your doctor and I wish it didn’t have to be this way”.

Every soldier who enlisted in the first world war 
Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and Zsa Zsa Gabor 
They’re all dead they’re all dead they’re all dead 

Neil Armstrong did the moon walk before Micheal JackSON 
All of the heroes of the Bible and Atilla the Hun 
They’re all dead, they’re all dead, they’re all dead

I said, “doc before I leave here is there anything that you could say to give me. 
Just a little bit of hope before I have to give this news to my kids and my wife?  
Hell, my mother’s almost 90, I can’t believe that she is going to outlive me. 
What did they train you to say to a patient who has come to the end of his life’? 

He said, “I’ve got an 10 year old patient with a tumor in his brain the size of a baseball  
He’s in unbearable pain and between you and me, I don’t think he’ll survive.” 
I knew what he was trying to tell me and in shame I could feel my ungrateful face fall 
Toward my sneakers and in that moment I felt happy that I was ever alive 


All the starving kids in Africa and those with a similar fate 
Sammy davis junior, Alexander the great 
They’re all dead they’re all dead they’re all dead

Leonardo Da Vinci who painted the Mona Lisa 
Albert Einstein, Queen Elizabeth and Mother Teresa 
They’re all dead they’re all dead they’re all dead

Sally Ride who was a member of the doomed space shuttle crew 
Your mom, your dad, your doggie and eventually YOU 
We’re all dead, we’re all dead, we’re all dead!

We're All Dead.

I’m FBI Agent O’Malley and this is FBI Agent O’Donaghue 
 May we enter your home for a quick conversation? We’d like a few minutes to talk to you.

“of course, please come in, have a seat, its so rude of me making you stand in my foyer. 
“Is this about those THC gummies I purchased? Should I make a quick call to my lawyer?” 

“No sir, its not gummies, they’re legal after all, and with those its only you that they’re harming
“We’ve been tracking your internet searches and frankly we found a large number alarming

“My internet searches?” “Yes, Your internet searches!” 
You’re tracking the words that I I type in that bar?
“My internet searches?” “Yes, Your internet searches!” 
What you search for defines who you are. 

“As an example, you recently searched for how to poison your wife undetected 
And then followed that up with a search for how to best spend the insurance money collected”

you searched for the ways that the mafia got rid of bodies and which they ranked best
And then followed that up with a search for the best way to cheat on a polygraph test

‘Hey, I know this looks bad but my wife is as healthy as a horse and at no risk of dying
I’m no lawyer, but If you’re tracking my internet searches that’s unconstitutional spying!” 

“My internet searches?” “Yes, Your internet searches!” 
You’re tracking the words that you I type in that bar?
“My internet searches?” “Yes, Your internet searches!” 
What you search for defines who you are.

May we talk to your wife? Would you permit us to meet? 
We’d like to speak to her briefly alone. 
No, she’s in Thailand on a yoga retreat 
And there’s no way to reach her by phone 

Yes, we know that she searched for a yoga retreat and made several searches for Thailand
But she never made searches for flights which is odd cause she couldn’t have gotten there by land. 

She searched for “signs your husband is trying to kill you”, and for “poisons, how to do a taste test”. 
Between HER internet searches and YOUR internet searches we’ve got enough to place you under arrest

“Her internet searches?” “Yes, Her internet searches!” 
You’re tracking the words that she typed in that bar?
“Her internet searches?” “Yes, Her internet searches!” 
What you search for defines who you are.

Your Internet Searches

Why am I standing in the kitchen?  
Why am I just standing in this room?   
      Was I thirsty for a drink?   
      You’ve got to think man! Think, think think!  
Or was it food I wanted to consume?   

Why am I standing in the kitchen?  
There must have been a reason, I’m a reasonable guy 
Why am I standing in the kitchen?  
I’m standing here but can’t remember why. 

Let my try retracing all my steps 
I was sitting on the sofa watching TV to enrichen
When from deep within the sofa cushion depths 
I sprang up from the couch and then I walked into the kitchen 

There must have been a reason for this sudden kitchen visit 
Yet here I stand not having an idea as to what is it!  

Why am I standing in the kitchen?  
Why am I just standing in this room?   
      Was I thirsty for a drink?   
      You’ve got to think man! Think, think think!  
Or was it food I wanted to consume?   

Why am I standing in the kitchen?  
There must have been a reason, I’m a reasonable guy 
Why am I standing in the kitchen?  
I’m standing here but can’t remember why. 

Maybe it was medicine I needed from the pantry?  
Or maybe my poor memory is that of an old timer’s?  
Maybe I’ve gone crazy! No! That can’t be it, it can’t be!  
Or maybe I’m developing a bad case of Alzheimer’s!  

Why am I standing in the kitchen?  
Why am I just standing in this room?   
      Was I thirsty for a drink?   
      You’ve got to think man! Think, think think!  
Or was it food you wanted to consume?   

Why am I standing in the kitchen?  
There must have been a reason, I’m a reasonable guy 
Why am I standing in the kitchen?  
I’m standing here but can’t remember why. 

And I stood there for a long time, looking down upon my feet 
And thought:   “I don’t know why I’m here but since I’m here, I guess I’ll eat” 

Why am I standing in the kitchen?  
Why am I just standing in this room?   
      Was I thirsty for a drink?   
      You’ve got to think man! Think, think think!  
Or was it food you wanted to consume?   

Why am I standing in the kitchen?  
There must have been a reason, I’m a reasonable guy 
Why am I standing in the kitchen?  
I’m standing here but can’t remember why. 


Why Am I Standing In The Kitchen?

She was nervous as a whore in church 
He was higher than an airborne kite 
It was hotter than a firecracker burning in the furnace of hell 

They completed an exhaustive search 
And found a quickie mart that seemed just right 
They were sitting in the running car preparing like two boxers at the bell 

They walked inside as pale as two sheets 
They looked guilty as raccoons inspecting trash 
And they pulled their guns as clumsy as two cows that were both wearing roller skates 

And this is where the road and rubber meets 
The clerk proceeds to give them all his cash 
And they grabbed the cash and ran outside the quickie mart to where their auto waits 

They were dumb as two boxes! 
They were thick as two bricks! 
They were sly as two foxes! 
And as tough as two ticks! 

They were sadder than stray dogs 
But you’ve no cause to pity em!  

Your story’s more interesting told as an idiom. 

They were driving like they slipped the dogs of war 
As excited as two hound dogs on a scent 
And they drove and drove until their tank was drier than a popcorn fart 

The car was useless as two titties on a boar
So they abandoned it and off on foot they went 
Both fugitives now wanted for the robbing of the local quickie mart 

They were dumb as two boxes! 
They were thick as two bricks! 
They were sly as two foxes! 
And as tough as two ticks! 

They were sadder than stray dogs 
But you’ve no cause to pity em!  

Your story’s more interesting told as an idiom.

They rolled the dice, they took the plunge, threw caution to the wind
But soon they’d face the music and be stuck like insects pinned
They sought refuge in the forest like two snakes in knee high thistle 
But soon they heard the sirens like a locomotive’s whistle 

The cops were swarming them like flies on scat 
There was obviously no escape in runnin’ 
They were handcuffed and then read their rights , the cops like priests were asking for confession. 

To use an idiom,  I guess that’s that. 
Just one surprise:  her oven’s got a bun in!  
Behold!  Another story told with idioms:  a figurative expression!  

They were snared like two rabbits 
That weren’t worth two licks
Just Two nasty habits 
That everyone kicks 

They were slumping like poor slobs 
This dirt covered pair 
They were dumber than door knobs 
Or a bag of wet hair 

They were sadder than stray dogs 
But you’ve no cause to pity em!  


Your story’s more interesting told as an idiom.

Idiom

I pulled the cart out from the stack 
And could tell right away it was hobbled 
I should have just put the cart back 
The front wheel violently wobbled 

But I was, of course, running late 
And I thought, with the cart, I could deal 
And thus, I had sealed my fate 
I chose a cart with a wobbly wheel 

My guests would soon be at my door 
The pressure upon me was mounting 
My boss and his wife and the man HE works for 
And the beautiful girl from accounting 

But my cart wheel’s clickety clacking 
My shopping trip now an ordeal 
It’s too late now, there’s no backtracking 
Wehn you’ve chosen a wobbly wheel.  

Wobbly Wheel 

The wobbly wheel made me tardy 
And my guests went home hungry and tired 
My boss was displeased about the missed dinner party 
And I was shortly thereafter that fired 

I never recovered from losing 
My job, it was less than ideal 
God punished me greatly for choosing 
The cart with the wobbly wheel 

Wobbly Wheel 

I stole the cart off of the stack 
I needed a place for my clothes 
I lived under a bridge near a railroad track 
Since the bank on my house did foreclose 

And now a homeless man wanders the city 
From dumpsters he picks his next meal 
But this man doesn’t warrant your pity 
He chose the cart with the wobbly wheel 

Wobbly Wheel

The Wobbly Wheel

I’m a roofer pounding shingles in the summer heat 
And after work I’m covered head to toe in roofing tar 
And someone says “hey man let’s go and grab a bite to eat” 
There’s a couple ice cold brewskis waiting for us at the bar”

I said, “no, I’d better not. I’ve got to organize my sock drawer” 
“C’mon man come with us it will be a lot of fun!” 
I thought:  Maybe this time I’ll drink less, I’ll eat and laugh and talk more! 
Maybe this time I’ll be happy having only one

I’m never gonna have just one 
And it’s doubtful that I stop at two 
Take it from me
I’ll have a hundred and three 
Before the night is finally through 

Before I go to happy hour  
I tell myself “just have will power” 
But those words are easier said than their done

Yeah, those words are just symbolic 
‘Cause I’m a raging alcoholic 
And I’m never gonna have just one 

We gathered at the bar and bought the crew beers all around 
I sipped mine very slowly, I restrained the urge to chug 
And then I thought I heard the most peculiar sort of sound 
It sounded like a whisper speaking to me from my mug 

“Chug me” it said “chug me” it said “drink me down you need it” 
It said “don’t be such a pussy, you’ve worked all day in the sun” 
If you hear a beer mug talking to you, maybe you should heed it 
And I knew right then that I’d be having more beers than just one. 

I’m never gonna have just one 
And it’s doubtful that I stop at two 
Take it from me
I’ll have a hundred and three 
Before the night is finally through 

Before I go to happy hour  
I tell myself “just have will power” 
But those words are easier said than their done

Yeah, those words are just symbolic 
‘Cause I’m a raging alcoholic 
And I’m never gonna have just one

I chugged that beer and chugged one more and chugged three more right after 
And I thought I heard my empties singing “he’s a jolly good fellow” 
The next thing I remember I heard gasps and shouts and laughter 
“Throw him out he’s had enough” I heard the bar man bellow
Apparently I stood upon on our table with my bone out 
Which, of course, is not acceptable to do for anyone 
And as my face is pummeled by the bouncer and I’m thrown out 
I thought I heard the beer mug whisper, “next time have just one”. 


I’m never gonna have just one 
And it’s doubtful that I stop at two 
Take it from me
I’ll have a hundred and three 
Before the night is finally through 

Before I go to happy hour  
I tell myself “just have will power” 
But those words are easier said than their done

Yeah, those words are just symbolic 
‘Cause I’m a raging alcoholic 
And I’m never gonna have just one

Have Just One

Devil’s kitchen lake 
is the deepest lake in all Illinois 
And one year on spring break 
A friend of mine, a nice jewish boy 
Came to visit me there 
I went to college in a city close by it 
And we were not to be fair 
Outdoorsy men but anxious to try it

Some background perhaps is in order 
My grandad was jewish but grandma not a smidgeon 
Which makes my dad a half jew and me a quarter 
Jewishness is a bloodline as well as a religion 

I asked if he could please bring 
A fishing pole and we’d fish for each meal 
He brought a little kids plaything 
It was pink with Barbie portrayed on the reel 
I said “don’t worry, I’ve got a good pole we’ll take” 
like I knew what I was doing 
And We went to Devils Kitchen Lake 
To camp and fish and spend time canoeing 

We found a campground and excitedly rented 
Two canoes, oars and cushions for floatin’ 
Two rules were very clearly presented:   
Alcohol and swimming were verboten 

We were one and one quarter Jews 
On Devil’s Kitchen Lake in canoes 
We had two fishing poles but only one fishing pole  we could use 
We had a cooler full of beer to the brim 
We decided we would race on a whim 
But only one quarter 
Of the one and one quarter Jews  
Knew how to swim 

So now one and one quarter young jewish guys 
Are Out on the deep lake 
We had fishing and camping supplies 
And beer which was illegal to take 
My friend cast his Charlie Brown fishing pole
It fell apart and it sunk 
Swallowed by this very deep fishing hole 
And by then we were drunk   

In his drunkenness, he said let’s race and he’ll beat me 
He pulled way out in front and appeared to be winning 
But In a flash he flipped over completely 
He tried to grab the canoe but it was spinning. 


We were one and one quarter Jews 
On Devil’s Kitchen Lake in canoes 
We had two fishing poles but only one fishing pole  we could use 
We had a cooler full of beer to the brim 
We decided we would race on a whim 
But only one quarter 
Of the one and one quarter Jews
Knew how to swim 

I jumped in to save him 
And that sent my canoe far adrift 
He grabbed the cushion I gave him 
Like his favorite Hanukah gift 
We steadied the canoe 
And swam it to the nearest lake bank 
Once on shore we both knew 
That our gear and our beer had all sank 

We had to walk back to the campground 2 miles 
And We were several miles from home 
They asked “have you been drinking” to which we issued denials 
We paid for the oars and cushions and we bid them “shalom” 

We were one and one quarter Jews 
On Devil’s Kitchen Lake in canoes 
We had two fishing poles but only one fishing pole  we could use 
We had a cooler full of beer to the brim 
We decided we would race on a whim 
But only one quarter 
of the one and one quarter Jews 
Knew how to swim

One & One Quarter Jews in Canoes

Snot Monster!
Snot Monster! 

A blobulent brownish green fluid erupts from a young boy’s tumultuous sneeze
It’s very unpleasant to look at and if not cleaned up could transmit disease 
It goes undetected on top of a smooth kitchen counter where the young boy had sneezed it 
And quite unexpectedly, rises and sings as if magical forces had seized it 

Snot Monster!
Snot Monster!

It cried “Why do all of you hate me?   
Am I not a fair sight to behold?  
Oh, I miss my former life greatly
just a clog in the nose of a boy with a cold 

But he sneezed!  He sneezed! 
And I was ripped from my home and sent through the air flying 
He sneezed!  He sneezed! 
And now I’m stranded on this kitchen counter, bit by bit dying 

And When I’m discovered, they’ll spray me 
With cleansers and powerful bleaches 
With no thought for my life they’ll slay me
And then wipe me from the Earth if the paper towel reaches 

Cause He sneezed!  He sneezed! 
And I was shot through his nostril like a brown green torpedo 
He sneezed!  He sneezed! 
My only hope now is to stay incognito 


What was that?  I hear them! 
They’re coming to make dinner 
They’ll see me on the counter 
And promptly sanitize! 

Maybe if I’m quiet 
They’ll brush me with a finger 
And use that very finger 
To rub their mouth or eyes! 

And then I’ll start a new life 
And clog a brand new nostril 
And make a brand new throat sore 
Oh wouldn’t that be grand?   

But wait what’s this?  She sees me!  
And she’s reaches in the cabinet 
And she’s got some disinfectant 
Pointed at me in her hand!  

Oh my god!  Someone sneezed on the counter!  Gross!  


Please!  Please!  
Please don’t spray me, disinfectant kills me dead on the spot 
Please!  Please!  
Have mercy on this blobulent brown greenish snot! 

Aaaaargh!  

Snot Monster!
Snot Monster!

The Brief Life And Horrific Death of Snot Monster

Fixed

We Are All In Jeopardy!

The whiskers of the fresh water catfish 
Are more dangerous than maybe they might look 
If you’re fishing and you happen to catch that fish  
Please be careful when you’re taking out the hook 
 
My fiancee’s father took me with him fishing 
In his boat out on a giant fishing lake 
I was eager to score points and so was wishing 
A good impression of myself that I would make 

He caught a fish each time he cast his line out 
He caught 10 fish in just an hour span 
I didn’t get a single bite when I cast mine out 
And it looked as though I was the lesser man 

The whiskers of the fresh water catfish 
Are more dangerous than maybe they might look 
If you’re fishing and you happen to catch that fish  
Please be careful when you’re taking out the hook  

I accepted that this outing was a fail 
When my fishing line from slack grew very taught 
It felt like I had landed a small whale 
It pulled our boat ten yards, I shit you not! 

I fought this beast until my legs were jelly 
I pulled it in with all the strength I had 
But I’d hooked it in its giant catfish belly   
And apparently that really makes them mad! 

The whiskers of the fresh water catfish 
Are more dangerous than maybe they look 
If you’re fishing and you happen to catch that fish  
Please be careful when you’re taking out the hook

It squirmed and thrashed, its whiskers all aflutter 
I grabbed it which in hindsight was quite dumb 
Like a hypodermic needle into butter 
A whisker found its way into my thumb!

I’ll admit I cried a little and grew queasy 
My fiancee’s father was not sympathetic 
Pulling out a catfish barb’s not easy 
And Screaming like a school girl is pathetic 
 
The whiskers of the fresh water catfish 
Are more dangerous than maybe they look 
If you’re fishing and you happen to catch that fish  
Please be careful when you’re taking out the hook

The Whiskers of the Freshwater Catfish

He had a tight grip on the scruff of my polo shirt collar 
in the hallway adjoining our civil war history class 
He was tougher than I was and maybe a few inches taller 
And for reasons unknown sought to pummel my innocent ass 

He was a black kid who had learned early on to hate whitey 
A philosophy passed from his parents that they got from theirs 
I was sick of harassment, the hatred was welling inside me 
And for just a few seconds, our eyeballs were locked in death stares 

And He said, 
What are you lookin at punk, 
you wanna fight me?    
                           
And I lowered my gaze not from fear, I wasn’t scared to fight, honest

I just thought, teeth getting knocked from my head 
might be unsightly 

And besides my sainted mother was still paying our orthodontist   

A crowd of kids gathered around and then quickly fell silent
They watched me surrender my dignity up in disgrace 
We teach all our kids they should never fight back or be violent 
But I deeply regret I didn’t punch that kid square in the face 

He let me loose and I suffered the crowd’s scorn and laughter 
But my teeth were in place and my eyes in their sockets secured 
The damage he’d done I wouldn’t feel until many years after 
I’ve replayed that day in my mind, so many times its absurd 

And He said, What are you lookin at punk, 
you wanna fight me?    

See, I didn’t want to hurt the kid, I was well trained in Karate 

So I refused to his invitation but I did so extremely politely   

I put my head down and walked slowly past the whole student body 

I’ve had a good life with that I’ll not quibble or bicker 
As shakespeare once wrote: “my brow’s bound with a victory wreath” 
But As TS Eliot wrote, “I saw the moment of my greatness flicker” 

And when the time came for me to stand up and fight, 
I elected to keep all my teeth  


If I saw that man again, I’d take his black hand and I’d shake it 
He helped me see the truth about myself for which I’m empowered  
I’ve got many fine qualities but there’s no point in trying to fake it  
Deep down inside, I’m just a sniveling coward 

And He said, What are you lookin at punk, 
you wanna fight me?    
                           
After he said that, I lowered my gaze there and then   

And now I’m cursed to replay it in mind, practically nightly 

And I wonder, would I fight that kid if I do it over again?

What Are YOU Lookin' At Punk!?

I was born over 600 years ago 
I remember the evening quite clearly  
I was a farmer with a wife and two children in tow 
And I recall that I loved them quite dearly 

But I patronized a brothel, a poor choice so it seems 
You see, my wife was a god-fearing person 
And I suffered from deviant sexual dreams 
That left unfulfilled would certainly worsen 

Having chosen a prostitute and agreed on a rate
At my request, hands and feet both were bound 
She climbed onto my face and with the force of her weight 
In her womanly juices I drowned 

And I awoke to be this hideous creature 
The need for food and water now moot 
I possessed did I this hideous feature 
To live, I must consume the juice produced within the feminine fruit 

Vampire
I thrive on what a woman produces 
I’m nourished by her vaginal juices 
Vampire 
Vampire

Vampire
It’s strange the things that fate often brings us 
I’m starving to perform cunnilingus 
Vampire 
Vampire

So for 600 years now, I seek the places women dance 
The food supply is marvelously ample 
Once I lock onto a victim, I can put her in a trance 
Allow me to provide you an example:

I’ll spot a girl who’s young and pretty,  perhaps a bit naive 
Like grocery shopping, learn to read the label 
And I’ll coax her into trusting me, “i’ve got nothing up my sleeve” 
And then arrange for us to have a corner table 

I’ll say something, like  “you’re lovely what brings you here  tonight 
And she’ll respond with BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH 
And I’ll say “my goodness aren’t you witty, so refined and erudite” 
And then she says “YA DA YA DA YA DA YA DA YA DA” 

I’ll flag the waiter:  “please bring a water for my very thirsty friend 
For the best juice, you should keep your prey hydrated 
And after all these years of practice, I’ll guarantee by evening’s end 
Between her naked thighs my hungry face and mouth will be completely situated 


Vampire
I bring women such immense satisfaction 
With the technique I employ for extraction  
Vampire 
Vampire

Vampire
A vagina’s like a sponge yet it’s porous 
I know my way around a clitoris 
Vampire 
Vampire

But There were nights when even Michael Jordan wasn’t on his game
As is true in any specialized endeavor 
In spite of all my successes, all the women who have came 
It was such a night that changed my life forever 

This gorgeous gal sat all alone and I had no time to grapple 
The club was closing and I was very near starvation 
I sat with her and as we spoke I observed an adam’s apple 
But I ignored that and won the battle of persuasion 

We left the club together, arm in arm with no refusal 
And once in her apartment safely in 
She sat down on the couch, I dove between her legs as usual 
But found a penis where vagina should have been 

I thought, After 600 years, am I kicking the bucket?  
As I was face to face with this lady’s throbbing dick 
In desperation, I decided, that I’d might as well just suck it 
And the protein I extracted from this gorgeous lady’s penis did the trick! 

Vampire
600 years ago could not have forseen this  
In a pinch you can just substitute a penis 
Vampire 
Vampire 

Vampire
This story wasn’t really meant to offend you 
It’s just I’ve doubled up the size of my menu 
Vampire 
Vampire 


The BDSM-Trans-Bi-Sexual Secretions Vampire Tango

Thank you sir for holding, how can I assist you today?   
My computer’s acting strangely, why is it behaving this way?   
I will work to diagnose the issue that you’re having, 
But let’s start with something simple to begin 

Please Unplug it 
And then you plug it back in. 

I thought I didn’t understand his English, he was struggling to talk it 
“You’re asking me to pull the plug and then replace the plug back in the socket?”  
He said, “yes its very simple sir, I think you’re understanding 
But just in case, I’ll say it once again. 

Please Unplug it 
And then you plug it back in

Unplug it and then you plug it back in 

Sometimes you’ve got to turn the power off and turn the power on again 
Before you try to fix it with a slap, a kick or duck tape or you poke it with an old bobby pin 

First unplug it 
And then you plug it back in

Well, I did as he instructed, I unplugged it and the screen went black 
And then I plugged it right back in and whirred and purred until its life came back 
I said, “thank you, Sanjay. Thank you! I have followed your instructions 
and my problems have been solved now from within 

I unplugged it 
And then I plugged it back in. 

Unplug it and then you plug it back in 

Sometimes you’ve got to turn the power off and turn the power on again 
Before you try to fix it with a slap, a kick or duck tape or you poke it with an old bobby pin 

First unplug it 
And then you plug it back in

Unplug It & Then Plug It Back In

She was crossing the street on a motorized scooter 
A car turning left didn’t see her and wrecked it 
They say that the brain is the body’s computer 
And the skull is the casing that serves to protect it 

She’s flung nearly ten yards her skull cracks the street 
The damage incurred by her brain was severe 
Just like her name implies, Candy was sweet 
But now we’re not sure whether Candy’s still here 

She sang karaoke and drank chardonnay 
She couldn’t drive, she couldn’t learn how. 
Yes, that was Candy yesterday 
But this is Candy now

She was rushed to the hospital, hurt quite severely 
Her brain was now swollen and bleeding inside 
Her family grieved for they loved Candy dearly 
And would have been crushed had their sweet Candy died

By a careless driver she’d been recklessly assaulted
And now she’s in a gurney tightly strapped 
Our brains are like a vulnerable ball of chocolate malted 
Subject to disintegration when they are unwrapped 

She was sweet as her namesake but she was mentally slow 
And yet she’d made herself a nice life somehow 
But, that was Candy long ago 
And this is Candy now

Riding on her scooter on the way to Bible Study 
No helmet on or seat belt there to strap her 
Then suddenly she’s lying on the pavement hurt and bloody 
A candy bar no longer safely wrapped inside its wrapper 

Many months have past now since that car abruptly hit her 
Her physical condition grows progressively worse 
You cannot blame her family who quietly consider 
Whether her survival was a blessing or a curse?  

Her limbs and face contorted as she staggers room to room
Senseless screams and cries she’s loudly belting 
Her family is as shattered as you rightly might assume
Helplessly they’re forced to watch their Candy slowly melting 

She sang karaoke and she drank chardonnay 
She couldn’t drive, she couldn’t learn how. 
Yes, that was Candy yesterday 
And this is Candy now


This Is Candy Now

On a planet resembling Earth, in a Galaxy far, far away 
There were creatures resembling humans of two pigmentations: one red and one blue 
And the red ones instructed the blue ones that there is one word that THEY must never say. 
And they will be ostracized, subject to violence or otherwise harmed if they do. 

You see, one or two centuries prior, the blue ones held red ones enslaved 
And there was a word that the Blue ones would use to refer to the red ones possessed
And though they had long since been freed, in lieu of the justice they craved 
They insisted the blue ones should never again breathe that word, not even in jest

And the blues ones at first were quite gladly compliant, at first they completely concurred
But the red ones adopted this word as a term of endearment, not a hideous curse!  
And now and again some poor Blue would get loose with its tongue and then out popped that word! 
And red ones who heard it were given free license to beat the blue or something worse! 

Even the most rich and powerful Blue ones if ever that word did they say
Were forced to make public apologies, tearfully beg for forgiveness, repentant 
that’s just the trouble with pendulums swinging too wide can the pendulums sway 
What started as simply a politic gesture was simmering now as resentment 

Words are just noises you make to express an idea you may have at the time
Our primitive ancestors, warning of predators, made noises just to alert you 
Always remember the words that are used in that world famous nursery rhyme:
Sticks and Stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you 

Most Blues were fine with not saying the word, its insulting so why not refrain 
And all of that’s true but it’s rather short sighted and frankly it misses the point  
The point is that blue ones were forced to comply or else suffer the punishment’s pain 
And when rules don’t apply to both red and blue equally, blue noses get out of joint 

So small bands of blues started saying the word in their home and amongst other blues 
And the building resentment would over time lead to a war pitting race against race 
Only slaves are subjected to punishment over expressing unpopular views 
Free people use any words that they want to:  a warning from deep outer space!

The Word You Dare Not Say

I climbed up on a stool 
Around my neck the rope wrapping 
I pushed the stool away for it was weight bearing 

I woke up in my drool 
On the couch I’d been napping 
Football on the TV was blaring 

Someone knocking, Who is it?  
When I arose all my snacking 
Flew off me in a cloud of junk food

It was my girlfriend come to visit 
But I sent that girl packing 
On Suicide Sunday, I prefer solitude  

Suicide Sunday 
I think it’s common among us 
Its not my own personal quirk 

For the next day is Monday 
And if the noose hasn’t hung us 
We have to get dressed and go back to work 

My girlfriend was furious 
She felt rejected apropos 
She assumed she had an open invitation 

When She calmed down, she was curious 
So I quoted Henry D Thoreau 
“most men live lives of quiet desperation” 

In our cubicles we all cloister 
And To our bosses deferential 
As we suckle on the corporate teat 

The world used to be my oyster 
I used to have so much potential 
And on Suicide Sunday, I must admit my defeat 

Suicide Sunday 
I think it’s common among us 
Its not my own personal quirk 

For the next day is Monday 
And if the noose hasn’t hung us 
We have to get dressed and go back to work 


Why do so many men seem to secretly hate their employment?  
xxIt pays them and feeds them like a hamster fed for running his wheel 
It pays us and feeds us and yet we spend so much energy griping 
Our ancestors broke their backs in the hot sun with not a moment’s enjoyment 
And I’m bitching about sitting in a comfortable chair, in an air conditioned cubicle typing?

The girlfriend is my wife now 
Another company has employed me 
As they say what’s not broke you don’t fix 

I’m content with my life now 
But on Sundays please avoid me 
Cause You can’t teach an old dog new tricks 

I drink a six pack and a bag of chips 
I dream that no one’s gonna save me 
As A rope around my neck’s tightly noosed 

Its on Sundays that I come to grips 
I didn’t use what god gave me 
On Suicide Sundays, my pigeons come to roost

Suicide Sunday 
I think it’s common among us 
Its not my own personal quirk 

For the next day is Monday 
And if the noose hasn’t hung us 
We have to get dressed and go back to work

It's Suicide Sunday!

Billy, the Headless Boy Who Lived Up In Our Attic

I’m Just Another Bald White Man 
With a Goatee Living in Thailand 

I’m Just Another Bald White Man 
With a Goatee Living in Thailand 

I’m over 60 now with three grown kids and two ex-wives 
My last few years were lonesome, wasting time on pointless dating 
There comes a point when all of us must reassess our lives 
And you realize its nearly gone and no time left for waiting 

So I cashed in all my stocks and bonds, officially retired 
Something I had dreamt I’d have the guts to do ONE DAY
I saw this ad from Thailand that had made me feel inspired 
So I bought an airline ticket bound for Bangkok, flight ONE WAY 

And my first night here in Bangkok, even jet lag was no factor! 
The streets were loud and vibrant and the dating scene was active! 
These pretty Thai girls treated me like I’m some famous actor! 
Old bald white men with goatees, in Thailand are attractive! 
 
I’m Just Another Bald White Man 
With a Goatee Living in Thailand 

Looking for a Thai girl to help spend my modest riches 

I’m Just Another Bald White Man 
With a Goatee Living in Thailand 

Women in America are narcissistic bitches! 

Back in the United states, no woman cared to know me 
Bald guys with goatees receive the brunt of condescension 
But way down here in Thailand my bald head and my gray goatee 
Have multiple young Thai girls vying for this man’s attention 

Suki walked right up to me and said “I think you’re sexy!” 
Love is blind to quote a rather pithy aphorism 
Suki lets me call the shots and never disrespects me
Thai girls aren’t indoctrinated yet by feminism

You might think that Sooki only loves me for my pension 
She doesn’t really like my shaved bald head and my goatee 
But for the first time ever, I’M the center of attention 
For the first time ever, someone’s interested in ME.  

I’m Just Another Bald White Man 
With a Goatee Living in Thailand 

Looking for a Thai girl to help spend my modest riches 

I’m Just Another Bald White Man 
With a Goatee Living in Thailand 



Women in America are narcissistic bitches!

Another Bald White Man With A Goatee Living In Thailand

In Butler, Pennsylvania 
On a stage in front of thousands
Stood a presidential candidate 
Delivering a speech 

A gunman on a rooftop 
Fired five shots from a rifle 
But no bullet of the five did 
The intended target reach 

Dear listener, the facts of this should make you very nervous 
Incompetence or malice from the vaunted secret service?

Was a miracle these bullets only nicked his ear somehow 
Wake up sleepy people!  This is happening right now! 

It’s Happening Now 

In England, France and Ireland 
On small boats ‘cross the ocean 
Muslims come in massive numbers
No sane country dare permits 

And the migrants are well cared for 
They receive much state assistance  
But their cultures aren’t at all aligned 
with Irish, French or Brits 

Dear listener, these facts should leave you greatly irritated 
We are witnessing the death of Europe as they are invaded! 

Why would European leaders their own suicide allow?  
Wake up sleepy people!  This is happening right now!

it’s Happening Now 

On Rehoboth Beach in Delaware 
An old man with dementia 
Sits beneath a beach umbrella 
And eats tapioca pudding 

He’s the leader of the free world 
And the free world is in crisis 
Russia, Ukraine and the Middle East 
Are all on wartime footing 

Dear listener, the facts of this should shock you into seizures!
But it won’t because you’re sleeping or pursuing mindless leisures! 

How much can you stomach?  How much more will you allow?   
 Wake up sleepy people!  This is happening right now!

it’s Happening Now 

It's Happening Now

Husband:

We’re his parents, and his health and overall well being 
Are for eighteen years our most important mission 

To let him eat the foods he likes would certainly be freeing 
But he must learn the basic concepts of nutrition 

He can’t just eat the pizza and the French fries, 
he’s such a picky eater and refuses to eat greens 
Who goes to jail if he this kid of malnutrition dies?   
God as my witness tonight this kid’s eating his beans!  

Husband and Wife:  
God as our witness, our young son tonight will eat his beans!  

Beans are so nutritious and have such a pleasant flavor 
I just know our boy would love them if he just gave them a shot! 

By forcing him to eat his beans we’re doing him a favor! 
It will teach him a lesson that sometimes you choke it down whether you like it or not! 

I’ll sneak up behind him and restrain him 
You take a heap of those lima beans and jam them down his throat 
In the spirit of tough love we both will train him:
What’s good for you is forced on you and often you don’t get to vote!  

Husband and Wife:  
God as our witness tonight this kid’s gonna eat beans!  
===================================

“Wow, honey, dinner looks great tonight! Meat loaf and buttery beans!  
 Here ya go son!  Why don’t you take a big spoonful of these WONDERFUL greens!  

“I don’t like those!” he protested and his mom and I frowned in disgust 
I stood up and walked very slowly behind him and pinned his arms like we’d discussed

=================================================

I’ve got his arms now dear!  Jam those lima beans down!  
I’ve got his arms now dear!  Jam those lima beans down!


And she jammed the beans in and they mashed on his teeth 
And they oozed and they sprayed on the table beneath 
It was terribly traumatic and quite stressful 
They gave up after just 5 minutes wholly unsuccessful.  

I’ve got his arms now dear!  Jam those lima beans down!  
I’ve got his arms now dear!  Jam those lima beans down!

==================================================


“Fine, my boy, fine then. If you refuse to eat beans, we can’t force you! 
Your mother and I have tried hard and each thing you’ve resisted 
“Your father and I just want the best for our boy, we of course do!
But if you don’t eat your beans we’re afraid you might grow up limp-wristed!”  

=======================================================


Yes, that really happened and I was the boy 
that it definitely happened to 
My parents they both meant well, please forgive them dear lord 
For they know not what they do 

From that day til my last day, every breakfast, lunch or dinner 
Even snack or any meal in between 

As God as my witness, on my life I hereby swear 
That I will never eat a bean.   

No lima bean, no navy bean, no pinto bean sor peas
No kidney bean no string bean, I’ll consume 
No green beans and no fava beans, no black eyed peas or baked
No black beans, snap peas, lentils or legume!  


From that day til my last day, every breakfast, lunch or dinner 
Even snack or any meal in between 

As God as my witness, on my life I hereby swear 
That I will never eat a bean.   


I Hate Beans.  A Rock Opera.

I was a troubled young kid
Attention or fame was I seeking 
That’s why I did what I did 
I shot a man dead just for speaking 

But in my defense, there was talk, you see
In the media, daily insistence 
That He was a threat to democracy 
Yes, a threat to our very existence!  

He’s a threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
Fascist!  Fascist 

He’s a threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
Fascist!  Fascist

He’s literally Hitler!  

The Media’s message subliminal: 
Disguised as reporting the news 
If a man murders Hitler, is it criminal?  
That would have saved all those jews!  

They labelled this man a polemicist 
His appeal to the crowds was a shock to see 
An evil white male supremacist 
Trying to steal our democracy!  

He’s a threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
Fascist!  Fascist 

He’s a threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
Fascist!  Fascist

He’s literally Hitler!  

He was scheduled to speak at a college in my town 
So I made a few arrangements and I stole my father’s rifle 
I was stationed on a nearby roof positioned lying down 
I thought “I’ll be greeted as a hero when his voice I stifle!”  

I thought “I am killing Hitler before Hitler comes to power” 
I’m resisting nazi fascists with this necessary violence” 
The Media with words of praise upon me they will shower 
I thought “I’ll be greeted as a hero when his voice I silence!”  


From 200 yards my dad’s 30 ought 6 worked its magic 
The crowd dispersed like cockroaches startled by light 
You told me that this man was Hitler, so why’s his death tragic?  
If you could go back in time you’d kill Hitler if you had the chance, right?  

Now I’m captured and jailed and soon I’ll be rotting in prison 
This to me seems like the height of hypocrisy 
Didn’t you tell us that this man was Hitler arisen?  
And a serious, serious threat to our precious democracy?   

He’s a threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
Fascist!  Fascist 

He’s a threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
Fascist!  Fascist

He’s literally Hitler!  

He's Literally Hitler

When the virus in its grip held us tightly 
The truckers were on board their rigs riding 
They were hailed as heroes and rightly 
While the rest of us were in our homes hiding 

But even as the virus has subsided 
They’re must choose between losing their jobs or accepting the Syringe 
And these heroes once applauded are now derided 
As terrorists on some ultra right wing fringe 

And so Benjamin Dichter and Tamera Lich 
have organized this miles long convoy 

And this is precisely the pivotal time 
when every world dictator panics 

These are the times when the elitist professor 
Is confronted by the once nameless lawn boy 

And interstate commerce is shut down by truckers 
and the plumbers and the auto mechanics 

I stand with Canadian Truckers 
Out in the wind driven snow 
These are some tough mother fuckers 
Resisting the tyrant Trudeau 

The protesters are trampled by horses 
By cops high above on their mounts 
They’re the useful tools of government forces 
Who arrest them and seize their banking accounts 

I’ve often heard it asked, so just how is it 
That Hitler so evil was elected the country to lead 
Well, the Journalists and bankers were complicit 
And the cops were just following orders, they’ve got kids to feed 

Now Tamera Lich and some other convoy leaders 
Have been rounded up summarily and jailed 

But the protesters are holding fast in Ottawa, 
outgunned and outmanned 

The media, our experts, our elected politicians 
our trusted institutions have all failed 

The time is coming, for us to choose 
a side on which to stand

And I stand with Canadian Truckers 
Out in the wind driven snow 
These are some tough mother fuckers 
Resisting the tyrant Trudeau

The Canadian Trucker Protests of 2022

In 1969 we sent a massive rocket ship 
On board there were three astronauts we’re told 
Six hundred thousand miles to the moon we went round trip 
With technology now seven decades old 

We somehow made it through the deadly radiation belts 
From the laws of radiation were exempt 
Nothing makes it through that radiation lest it melts 
And we made it on our very first attempt!  

I watched them plant our flag and wiped a tear 
I watched it wave and rustle to and fro 
But the moon is void of any atmosphere 
Which means there isn’t any wind to blow 

We didn’t walk on the moon 
It was an elaborate ruse 
In spite of what they tell you 
The story that they’ll sell you 
In spite of what they showed you on the news 

It was nothing more than a lie 
The truth will be revealed someday soon 
I know it’s patriotic, But please don’t be idiotic 
We didn’t walk on the moon!  

After they had landed on the moon they made a call 
to the president who answered right away 
They talked as if the distances between them were quite small 
with no hint of even one moment’s delay 

And here’s another fact that you should hold among your thoughts: 
From the moon are stars are visible ahead 
But in the single interview conducted with these astronauts 
None remembered seeing stars they said?  

I know its hard to fathom at first glance 
there’s no confession and no fingerprints 
But ask yourself:  with all our technological advance 
And we haven’t ever tried to go back even one time since?  

We didn’t walk on the moon 
It was an elaborate ruse 
In spite of what they tell you 
The story that they’ll sell you 
In spite of what they showed you on the news 

It was nothing more than a lie 
The truth will be revealed someday soon 
I know it’s patriotic, But please don’t be idiotic 
We didn’t walk on the moon!  


We Didn't Walk On the Moon

Motel rooms are unpleasant places 
Especially in suicide cases 
I asked myself was my life worth saving 
And then I noticed that I hadn’t been shaving 

Why yes, in fact, it had been longer than three days since my face was last sheered 
And I’d become rather fond of that beard 

Well, you know how sometimes something compels you 
So strongly you must do what it tells you 
You give in to that desperate craving 
And either blow yourself away or stop shaving 

I chose the latter option because death had always been what I most feared 
And besides, I was fond of that beard 

And so I’m hunchbacked on the balcony leaning 
And I’m trying to decipher the meaning 
Of the wanton way in which I was behaving 
And the choice I made to discontinue shaving 

And just then, on the balcony adjoining mine, like magic she appeared 
And I could tell that she was fond of my beard 

We volunteered the past and then got drunk enough to talk about the present 
I reluctantly confided in her even though my story wasn’t pleasant 
She rolled up both her pant legs and I saw my own philosophy mirrored 
And I fell hopelessly in love with her beard 

She sprang up out of bed like a rabbit 
And she gathered up her things out of habit 
I said, “good morning” to the lady who’d quit shaving 
But was that hello or goodbye that she was waving 

Ah hell, its doesn’t matter, I’m contented, I don’t care which way I’m steered 
Because I’d grown rather fond of that beard
Yes, I’d become rather fond of that beard 
And will remain forever fond of that beard

Rather Fond of That Beard

My fiancee and I flew to New Orleans to enjoy the Mardi Gras 
With my connections got a suite in the French Quarter and were shocked by what we saw 
A massive crowd of people all engaging in these stupefying deeds 
Perhaps what shocked us most were all these women who would flash their tits for beads!  

Flash your tits for beads, Flash your tits for beads
Are you the sort of woman who would flash your tits for beads?   
Flash your tits for beads, Flash your tits for beads
Are you the sort of woman who would flash your tits for beads?   

So we’re out upon the balcony observing the debauchery below 
We’re enjoying gourmet cheeses and a bottle of the finest French Bordeaux  
A crowd of men had gathered right beneath us and I heard as one chap pleads
He was pleading with my fiancee to lift her top and flash her tits for beads! 

Flash your tits for beads, Flash your tits for beads
Are you the sort of woman who would flash your tits for beads?   
Flash your tits for beads, Flash your tits for beads
Are you the sort of woman who would flash your tits for beads?   

Now Fiona my fiancee is attractive and her breasts are large and supple 
I was certain she would never bare them for this sea of gross humanity  
I was certain we were rightly matched and one day soon would be a married couple 
But there are only three things certain:  death and taxes and a woman’s vanity 

Flash your tits for beads, Flash your tits for beads
Are you the sort of woman who would flash your tits for beads?   
Flash your tits for beads, Flash your tits for beads
Are you the sort of woman who would flash your tits for beads?   

Fiona hears these rabble rousing fellows urging her to lift her top 
And I remember like it was slow motion yelling NO FIONA STOP!  
But Male adoration is the only stimulus a woman needs 
My former fiancee Fiona flashed her large and supple tits for beads!  

Flash your tits for beads, Flash your tits for beads
Are you the sort of woman who would flash your tits for beads?   
Flash your tits for beads, Flash your tits for beads
Are you the sort of woman who would flash your tits for beads?   


Flash Your T*ts For Beads

I write story songs.   Many of the stories are true.

Watch my videos!  YouTube:   https://youtube.com/@turtlefrogman?feature=shared

Topics:   Sexual fetishes, reincarnation, sleep apnea, women who don't shave, the story of January 6th 2021, COVID, drug use, pizza place robbery, weddings, divorces and funerals, cannibalism, the story of Joe Biden, transgenderism and pronouns, erectile dysfunction, the World Economic Forum, the story of the USS Indianapolis, time machines, accidents with laxatives, school yard fights, proctologists, teen moms, scientific studies, genital warts, generational divides, national divorce, peeping toms, abortion, petty theft, DIY screws and mental health, suicide etc.

TurtleFrogMan

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