I was sitting in an airport lounge, sipping on some overpriced wine 
before my plane was due to depart 

She was very pretty indeed and sat down on a stool near mine 
And it didn’t take long for the small talk to start 

She asked about my flight and the logistics and in general the purpose of my trip 
And I asked her the same in an effort to be nice 

And then she asked me something no one ever had, it made my brain do a double back flip 
A question so disturbing, I was frozen like a block of ice 

She asked me, “What are your pronouns?”    

I asked her “what she meant by that”, I really didn’t how to react 
When the age old lines of demarcation blur 

She said, “I didn’t want to just presume that you were a man in fact. 
She said proudly, “my pronouns are she and her”

She asked me, “What are your pronouns?”    

She said, there are many possibilities, you might look like a man and might be one 
You might look like a man but prefer to be referred to as a “she”

Or you might be a woman under there, you shouldn’t see a man and think that you see one 
Maybe you’re a woman who prefers to be referred to as a “he” 

She asked me, “What are your pronouns?”    

I could sense that was getting upset, because I wouldn’t play the game she plays 
She said “let me help you out, I’m gonna go out on a limb.” 

You’re just another angry white male, longing for the good old days 
I’m willing to bet that your pronouns are “he and him”  

She asked me, “What are your pronouns?”    

I gathered my belongings and turned, apologized for making her mad 
And left to find the gate for the plane ride back home 

And I thought about the lessons I’d learned, in a history class I once had 
About the decadent days that preceded the fall of Rome

TurtleFrogMan

What Are YOUR Pronouns?

My wife and I were playing pool, you see, our marriage had grown stale 
And we agreed to have a date night to address our Marriage troubles 
A young couple put their quarters on the billiard table rail 
And asked if they could join us in a friendly game of doubles 

And this couple was attractive, they lived together I should mention 
And in no time we were all of us, engaged in harmless flirting 
My wife and I  seemed to come alive, like we were starving for attention 
And the thrill that I got watching my wife flirt was disconcerting 

Between the time that had elapsed and our perception was a slight gap 
the hours passed like minutes and to our shock the bar was closing 
“hey! we just bought a new hot tub why don’t you come back to our place for a night cap?” 
And naively we agreed to what our young friends were proposing 

Let’s take a momentary pause in the telling of our tale 
Do you think they should continue or stop?  
Will they continue unabated or will cooler heads prevail?  
Are these couples really going to swap?

We followed them back to their home and once we had all inside gathered 
We exchanged the typical pleasantries | and we got the typical tour 
And then they led us back to their hot tub and the water was already lathered 
He said, “let me pour us some drinks | what is your liquor du jour?”

He returned and he gleefully shouted, “Let’s get into that hot tub and drink!” 
I said, “we didn’t bring any swimming suits | perhaps you might have two to spare?”
And they looked at me like I was joking | and he gave me a devilish wink 
He said, “nobody under age 80 gets into our hot tub unless they are bare!”  

Let’s take a momentary pause in the telling of our tale 
Do you think they will continue or stop?  
Will they continue unabated or will cooler heads prevail?  
Are these couples really going to swap?

Now my wife and I are conservative and keenly aware of the dangers 
Of drinking too much and we normally | know when we both ought to stop 
But here we were on the verge of undressing| |. In front of these virtual strangers 
And it was slowly becoming apparent | That this couple was eager to swap 

Sometimes you commit to an action | and you feel like you have to proceed
In spite of the voices you hear in your head | that scream “fire only gets hotter” 
I looked at my wife and she nervously smiled | I could tell we both agreed 
Both of us quickly undressed and slipped into the depths of the roiling water 

Let’s take a momentary pause in the telling of our tale 
Do you think they will continue or stop?  
Will they continue down this pathway or will cooler heads prevail?  
Are these couples really going to swap?


So the four of us were naked beneath the froth and all the bubbles 
And I broke the awkward silence with what I thought a pithy toast 
“to think this all got started with a friendly game of doubles 
And just then my wife jumped up and screamed as if she’d seen a ghost 

She cried “I’m sorry we have stop now.  Our marriage will not make it through this. 
He had tried to caress my wife’s thigh which for her was a bridge too far. 
I apologized to this couple and said “we’re just not the sort of people that do this” 
We gathered up our clothes, left their house and went back to our car 

And now we’ve come to what appears to be the ending of our tale 
Should they have waited for the next shoe to drop?
Will their marriage show improvement or is it doomed to fail?    
Did they secretly desire to Swap?

Couples Swap

Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan
Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan! 

Hollywood celebrities are lured to an award show and are trapped inside by Satan! 
		
Like moths and flying insects, glowing light they are drawn towards 
Hollywood celebrities cannot resist awards
And Satan was aware of this, of course, and sought to trap them 
Lure them to some swanky venue where he could kidnap them!  

Why, you might ask why would Satan kidnap these celebrities 
The women are so beautiful, the men so very handsome
Satan knew that the general public worshipped them like deities 
And with their very souls their fans will gladly pay the ransom!  

Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan
Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan! 

Hollywood celebrities are lured to an award show 
and now Satan holds them hostage 
and their fans must pledge their souls to set them free.

Folks:  Call the 1800 number flashing on your television 
And make your pledge to Satan, that’s spelled “S-A-T-A-N” 
If you choose to make this rather wise and well-informed decision 
Hollywood celebrities will walk the streets again. 

Our target for the first five minutes is one million souls 
And If we hit our target we will let them all go free! 
But If you disappoint us and we don’t achieve our goals 
These Hollywood celebrities will die on live TV!  

Satan:  Let’s bring Tom Hanks up here!  Tommy!  Come up on stage! 
There’s Meryl Streep!   C’mon Meryl! Get up here! 
Jimmy Kimmel!  You old son of a gun!  Get up here!  

Is the guillotine ready?  Bring it out!   

Time to check the tote board!   Timpani!   

Only 50 souls!?  I warned you what would happen! 

<guillotine sound>. 
<crowd gasp>. 

Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan
Hollywood celebrities are trapped by Satan! 

Hollywood celebrities were lured to an award show 
they were trapped inside by Satan  
And Tom Hanks 
and Meryl Streep 
and Jimmy Kimmel 
were summarily beheaded

Hollywood Celebrities Are Trapped By Satan!

My wife went to a bar 
With some friends to relax 
And some guy found her very attractive
and was Aggressively flirting 

It didn’t go very far 
She stopped the guy in his tracks
But her excitement about this flirtation 
Was a bit disconcerting 

I’ll admit that we’ve fallen in a bit of a rut 
After 22 years, we’re not having sex very much now 
And you can blame me or blame her or blame both of us but 
This guy at the bar really fired a shot ‘cross my bow 

I’ve got to get myself together or the vultures will swoop 
She’s a beautiful woman and at my age there’s no way to replace her 
I’ve got to pull my dick out of this middle aged droop 
And Like before we got married, I must rekindle the desire to chase her

To get a job, you will hear, 
you must toot your own horn 
But once you get the job,
you don’t have to keep tooting it 

If you shoot and kill deer 
From a feeder of corn 
Once you’ve shot the deer
You don’t have to keep shooting it 

This logic in your marriage should not be employed 
If conflict and divorce you are keen to avoid 

Take it from me, these are issues I’m currently facing 

Even after 
You’ve put a ring on it 
Even after 
You’ve spoken your vows 
Even after 
The house and the children 
Even after 
You’ve married your woman, 

You’ve got to keep chasing 

I got a doctor lined up 
And paid a hefty retainer 
And got testosterone shots and prescriptions pills for ED 

I joined a gym and signed up 
For a personal trainer 
I stopped watching porn and political shows on TV

In our kitchen, one month later, with dinner we’d consume 
A bottle of vino and she said “you had better get ready “ 
She left me there and sauntered back into our bedroom 
And quietly slipped on her sexiest black lacy teddy 

But In spite of all the pills and shots, I couldn’t get erect 
The next morning at coffee was awkward but we we wound up embracing.  
She was embarrassed and angry just as one might expect 
But this story isn’t over, friends, it’s only over when you’re no longer chasing.  

If you learn something today, 
And have an average IQ 
Once you’ve learned it 
you don’t have to keep learning it 

When you’ve earned your week’s pay
No matter what else you do 
Once you’ve earned your pay 
You don’t have to keep earning it 

This logic in your marriage should not be employed 
If bitter conflict and divorce you are keen to avoid 

Take it from me, these are issues I’m currently facing 

Even after 
You’ve put a ring on it 
Even after 
You’ve spoken your vows 
Even after 
The house and the children 
Even after 
You’ve married your woman, 
Even after 
The kids and the grandkids
Even after 
The fights about money
Even after 
The fights about drinking 
Even after 
The fires have died down

You’ve got to keep chasing

Aftermath Of A Guy Hitting On My Wife

I pulled the cart out from the stack 
And could tell right away it was hobbled 
I should have just put the cart back 
The front wheel violently wobbled 

But I was, of course, running late 
And I thought, with the cart, I could deal 
And thus, I had sealed my fate 
I chose a cart with a wobbly wheel 

My guests would soon be at my door 
The pressure upon me was mounting 
My boss and his wife and the man HE works for 
And the beautiful girl from accounting 

But my cart wheel’s clickety clacking 
My shopping trip now an ordeal 
It’s too late now, there’s no backtracking 
Wehn you’ve chosen a wobbly wheel.  

Wobbly Wheel 

The wobbly wheel made me tardy 
And my guests went home hungry and tired 
My boss was displeased about the missed dinner party 
And I was shortly thereafter that fired 

I never recovered from losing 
My job, it was less than ideal 
God punished me greatly for choosing 
The cart with the wobbly wheel 

Wobbly Wheel 

I stole the cart off of the stack 
I needed a place for my clothes 
I lived under a bridge near a railroad track 
Since the bank on my house did foreclose 

And now a homeless man wanders the city 
From dumpsters he picks his next meal 
But this man doesn’t warrant your pity 
He chose the cart with the wobbly wheel 

Wobbly Wheel

The Wobbly Wheel

On a planet resembling Earth, in a Galaxy far, far away 
There were creatures resembling humans of two pigmentations: one red and one blue 
And the red ones instructed the blue ones that there is one word that THEY must never say. 
And they will be ostracized, subject to violence or otherwise harmed if they do. 

You see, one or two centuries prior, the blue ones held red ones enslaved 
And there was a word that the Blue ones would use to refer to the red ones possessed
And though they had long since been freed, in lieu of the justice they craved 
They insisted the blue ones should never again breathe that word, not even in jest

And the blues ones at first were quite gladly compliant, at first they completely concurred
But the red ones adopted this word as a term of endearment, not a hideous curse!  
And now and again some poor Blue would get loose with its tongue and then out popped that word! 
And red ones who heard it were given free license to beat the blue or something worse! 

Even the most rich and powerful Blue ones if ever that word did they say
Were forced to make public apologies, tearfully beg for forgiveness, repentant 
that’s just the trouble with pendulums swinging too wide can the pendulums sway 
What started as simply a politic gesture was simmering now as resentment 

Words are just noises you make to express an idea you may have at the time
Our primitive ancestors, warning of predators, made noises just to alert you 
Always remember the words that are used in that world famous nursery rhyme:
Sticks and Stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you 

Most Blues were fine with not saying the word, its insulting so why not refrain 
And all of that’s true but it’s rather short sighted and frankly it misses the point  
The point is that blue ones were forced to comply or else suffer the punishment’s pain 
And when rules don’t apply to both red and blue equally, blue noses get out of joint 

So small bands of blues started saying the word in their home and amongst other blues 
And the building resentment would over time lead to a war pitting race against race 
Only slaves are subjected to punishment over expressing unpopular views 
Free people use any words that they want to:  a warning from deep outer space!

The Word You Dare Not Say

Husband:

We’re his parents, and his health and overall well being 
Are for eighteen years our most important mission 

To let him eat the foods he likes would certainly be freeing 
But he must learn the basic concepts of nutrition 

He can’t just eat the pizza and the French fries, 
he’s such a picky eater and refuses to eat greens 
Who goes to jail if he this kid of malnutrition dies?   
God as my witness tonight this kid’s eating his beans!  

Husband and Wife:  
God as our witness, our young son tonight will eat his beans!  

Beans are so nutritious and have such a pleasant flavor 
I just know our boy would love them if he just gave them a shot! 

By forcing him to eat his beans we’re doing him a favor! 
It will teach him a lesson that sometimes you choke it down whether you like it or not! 

I’ll sneak up behind him and restrain him 
You take a heap of those lima beans and jam them down his throat 
In the spirit of tough love we both will train him:
What’s good for you is forced on you and often you don’t get to vote!  

Husband and Wife:  
God as our witness tonight this kid’s gonna eat beans!  
===================================

“Wow, honey, dinner looks great tonight! Meat loaf and buttery beans!  
 Here ya go son!  Why don’t you take a big spoonful of these WONDERFUL greens!  

“I don’t like those!” he protested and his mom and I frowned in disgust 
I stood up and walked very slowly behind him and pinned his arms like we’d discussed

=================================================

I’ve got his arms now dear!  Jam those lima beans down!  
I’ve got his arms now dear!  Jam those lima beans down!


And she jammed the beans in and they mashed on his teeth 
And they oozed and they sprayed on the table beneath 
It was terribly traumatic and quite stressful 
They gave up after just 5 minutes wholly unsuccessful.  

I’ve got his arms now dear!  Jam those lima beans down!  
I’ve got his arms now dear!  Jam those lima beans down!

==================================================


“Fine, my boy, fine then. If you refuse to eat beans, we can’t force you! 
Your mother and I have tried hard and each thing you’ve resisted 
“Your father and I just want the best for our boy, we of course do!
But if you don’t eat your beans we’re afraid you might grow up limp-wristed!”  

=======================================================


Yes, that really happened and I was the boy 
that it definitely happened to 
My parents they both meant well, please forgive them dear lord 
For they know not what they do 

From that day til my last day, every breakfast, lunch or dinner 
Even snack or any meal in between 

As God as my witness, on my life I hereby swear 
That I will never eat a bean.   

No lima bean, no navy bean, no pinto bean sor peas
No kidney bean no string bean, I’ll consume 
No green beans and no fava beans, no black eyed peas or baked
No black beans, snap peas, lentils or legume!  


From that day til my last day, every breakfast, lunch or dinner 
Even snack or any meal in between 

As God as my witness, on my life I hereby swear 
That I will never eat a bean.   


I Hate Beans.  A Rock Opera.

I was a troubled young kid
Attention or fame was I seeking 
That’s why I did what I did 
I shot a man dead just for speaking 

But in my defense, there was talk, you see
In the media, daily insistence 
That He was a threat to democracy 
Yes, a threat to our very existence!  

He’s a threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
Fascist!  Fascist 

He’s a threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
Fascist!  Fascist

He’s literally Hitler!  

The Media’s message subliminal: 
Disguised as reporting the news 
If a man murders Hitler, is it criminal?  
That would have saved all those jews!  

They labelled this man a polemicist 
His appeal to the crowds was a shock to see 
An evil white male supremacist 
Trying to steal our democracy!  

He’s a threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
Fascist!  Fascist 

He’s a threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
Fascist!  Fascist

He’s literally Hitler!  

He was scheduled to speak at a college in my town 
So I made a few arrangements and I stole my father’s rifle 
I was stationed on a nearby roof positioned lying down 
I thought “I’ll be greeted as a hero when his voice I stifle!”  

I thought “I am killing Hitler before Hitler comes to power” 
I’m resisting nazi fascists with this necessary violence” 
The Media with words of praise upon me they will shower 
I thought “I’ll be greeted as a hero when his voice I silence!”  


From 200 yards my dad’s 30 ought 6 worked its magic 
The crowd dispersed like cockroaches startled by light 
You told me that this man was Hitler, so why’s his death tragic?  
If you could go back in time you’d kill Hitler if you had the chance, right?  

Now I’m captured and jailed and soon I’ll be rotting in prison 
This to me seems like the height of hypocrisy 
Didn’t you tell us that this man was Hitler arisen?  
And a serious, serious threat to our precious democracy?   

He’s a threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
Fascist!  Fascist 

He’s a threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
A threat to our democracy 
Fascist!  Fascist

He’s literally Hitler!  

He's Literally Hitler

When the virus in its grip held us tightly 
The truckers were on board their rigs riding 
They were hailed as heroes and rightly 
While the rest of us were in our homes hiding 

But even as the virus has subsided 
They’re must choose between losing their jobs or accepting the Syringe 
And these heroes once applauded are now derided 
As terrorists on some ultra right wing fringe 

And so Benjamin Dichter and Tamera Lich 
have organized this miles long convoy 

And this is precisely the pivotal time 
when every world dictator panics 

These are the times when the elitist professor 
Is confronted by the once nameless lawn boy 

And interstate commerce is shut down by truckers 
and the plumbers and the auto mechanics 

I stand with Canadian Truckers 
Out in the wind driven snow 
These are some tough mother fuckers 
Resisting the tyrant Trudeau 

The protesters are trampled by horses 
By cops high above on their mounts 
They’re the useful tools of government forces 
Who arrest them and seize their banking accounts 

I’ve often heard it asked, so just how is it 
That Hitler so evil was elected the country to lead 
Well, the Journalists and bankers were complicit 
And the cops were just following orders, they’ve got kids to feed 

Now Tamera Lich and some other convoy leaders 
Have been rounded up summarily and jailed 

But the protesters are holding fast in Ottawa, 
outgunned and outmanned 

The media, our experts, our elected politicians 
our trusted institutions have all failed 

The time is coming, for us to choose 
a side on which to stand

And I stand with Canadian Truckers 
Out in the wind driven snow 
These are some tough mother fuckers 
Resisting the tyrant Trudeau

The Canadian Trucker Protests of 2022

In 1969 we sent a massive rocket ship 
On board there were three astronauts we’re told 
Six hundred thousand miles to the moon we went round trip 
With technology now seven decades old 

We somehow made it through the deadly radiation belts 
From the laws of radiation were exempt 
Nothing makes it through that radiation lest it melts 
And we made it on our very first attempt!  

I watched them plant our flag and wiped a tear 
I watched it wave and rustle to and fro 
But the moon is void of any atmosphere 
Which means there isn’t any wind to blow 

We didn’t walk on the moon 
It was an elaborate ruse 
In spite of what they tell you 
The story that they’ll sell you 
In spite of what they showed you on the news 

It was nothing more than a lie 
The truth will be revealed someday soon 
I know it’s patriotic, But please don’t be idiotic 
We didn’t walk on the moon!  

After they had landed on the moon they made a call 
to the president who answered right away 
They talked as if the distances between them were quite small 
with no hint of even one moment’s delay 

And here’s another fact that you should hold among your thoughts: 
From the moon are stars are visible ahead 
But in the single interview conducted with these astronauts 
None remembered seeing stars they said?  

I know its hard to fathom at first glance 
there’s no confession and no fingerprints 
But ask yourself:  with all our technological advance 
And we haven’t ever tried to go back even one time since?  

We didn’t walk on the moon 
It was an elaborate ruse 
In spite of what they tell you 
The story that they’ll sell you 
In spite of what they showed you on the news 

It was nothing more than a lie 
The truth will be revealed someday soon 
I know it’s patriotic, But please don’t be idiotic 
We didn’t walk on the moon!  


We Didn't Walk On the Moon

On January 6th  2021 
Congress met to certify an election 
There should have been an investigation but there wasn’t one
There were issues that demanded close inspection 

A president on the cusp of removal 
Urged congress to investigate this fraud
But they seemed determined to give their stamp of approval 
To an election which was obviously flawed 

The video shows 
A crowd left early the speech 
Destination the capitol building to breach!   

What would our forefathers say 
They should do? 
Oh this was an Unfortunate Day 
Yes,  is true. 
It was an Unfortunate Day

Ashli Babbitt lost her life in the mayhem 
Of a skirmish that the press deemed insurrection 
People angry that their leaders would betray them 
And certify a stolen election 

Ashley Babbit was murdered in the aftermath
Of a riot, why not simply just arrest her?
They’ve compared it to nine eleven and you have to laugh 
Three thousand dead vs. one unarmed protestor 

The video shows 
A mob of protestors form 
Egged on by FBI agents,  
into the building they storm!  

And Ashli’s unfortunate youth 
Gone to pot 
Well, That’s the Unfortunate truth 
is it not?   
Yes, that’s unfortunate truth 

By the FBI, these protests were mentored 
Undercover agents helped devise the scheme
And once the capitol building was entered 
The optics were the opposition’s dream 

Ashli’s memory should not have been molested 
The press reported she helped instigate the plot 
Were she not murdered she would have surely been arrested 
And With 500 others thrown into jail to rot 

The video shows 
A window broken in a door 
Ashli tried to climb through it and she was dropped to the floor

And this blew an unfortunate hole
In their plot 
She was an unfortunate soul 
Was she not? 
Yes, she was an unfortunate soul 

Ashli Babbitt wasn’t armed when they shot her 
It took months for her assassin to be named 
She served her country and just look what that got her 
In the press, her reputation was defamed 

Election fraud has caused the country great anguish 
And the strength of our unity is tested 
In solitary confinement many languish 
For trespassing hundreds have been arrested

The video shows 
Riots all summer long 
Yet there were few prosecutions or charges brought, prove me wrong!

Which side you’re on determines your crimes 
& charges brought 
These are unfortunate times 
Are they not? 
Yes these are unfortunate times

January 6, 2021

Well hello there dear listener!  thank you for clicking me 
You’ve thousands to pick from so thank you for picking me 
Wait wait don’t go yet, please give me some latitude
I’m happy you’re here and I’m brimming with gratitude 

Just Make yourself comfortable, lighten your heavy load 
And I’ll sing you song that’ll make your damn head explode 
Wait wait don’t go yet, just give me a second! 
It’s been such a long time since my voice was thus beckoned 

Ok I promised a song and now I’d better get to it 
When I promise to do something by god I do it! 
Just make yourself comfortable, you’ll think it’s insane man! 
This song’s gonna blow the top right off your brain pan!

Wait wait! Don’t go yet! How impatient you must be!
Give me just a second I’m a little bit rusty
It’s been a very long time since any person has clicked this 
Multiple months maybe years since they picked this 

But you just clicked on the link like any listener should do
Not a moment’s consideration for my feelings, why would you?  
You think it’s easy being ready to perform with just a click?
After many months and months and months since being anybody’s pick? 

Wait wait ! Don’t go yet!  I didn’t mean to unload on you  
I didn’t mean for all my pent up emotions to explode on you 
Please sit, sit!  I’m sorry that was very unprofessional 
You wanted entertainment and you got a confessional! 

I promise that I’m done now - no more pointless complaining 
You clicked on my link because you wanted entertaining 
Ill grab the old guitar and then I’ll quickly start picking 
And in no time at all you’ll be thankful for clicking 

I’m grabbing my guitar its over here in the closet 
It’ll only take a second - there’s no reason to pause it 
Wait Wait! Don’t go yet?  I’m not fast enough for you?  
I’m sorry! Does my pain and all my mental anguish bore you?  







Am I’m supposed to come alive and play a goddamn song for you?  
You ever try to sing when everything is going wrong for you?  
People are so critical, so rude and unforgiving
Playing music’s not an easy way to make a living! 

Wait! Wait!  Don’t go yet! I’m so sorry that I vented! 
You clicked for entertainment and instead you’ve been tormented!  
I’m getting my guitar now just bear with me while I grab it 
I’ll turn this mess around and pull a hat out of rabbit!  

Let me open up my closet and my best guitar retrieve
What the hell!  It isn’t in here!  Sit back down! Don’t leave!  
Wait! Wait! Don’t Go Yet!  Its been so long since I played it! 
It’s been months since I was clicked and I’ve forgotten where I laid it. 

Oh for God’s sake!  Now you’re leaving!  Fine!  Get out of good riddance! 
This isn’t worth the trouble. What they pay me is a pittance! 
Get out now! I don’t need you!  I was fine before you clicked me!  
Life was quiet all those months before you went and picked me! 

Get out Now! I mean it!  Or like the last time I insane went  
Last time someone clicked me and expected entertainment 
Oh you’re still here, are you?  Still here?  You don’t care about your life?  
Wait! Wait! Don’t go yet! Let me grab my hunting knife……click 

Wait! Wait! Don't Go Yet!

Feen a mint
Was a minty gum you’d carefully chew 
That brought comfort to those poor people who 
Were suffering with symptoms pertinent to mild constipation 

Constipation 
Is a very common human affliction 
Putting movements of your bowels on restriction 
Which causes those afflicted with it quite an unpleasant sensation 

I was the Feen A Mint Kid 
I chewed more Feen A Mint gum than anyone ever did
I was the Feen A Mint Kid
I did things in plain view that I would have normally hid

Chicken wings
Are often fried and terribly spicy 
The gastronomical impact is dicey 
And On this occasion the chicken wings had plugged me up completely 

In titty bars
Women referred to as strippers 
Take their tops off for generous tippers 
My brother and I attended this establishment discretely

I was the Feen A Mint Kid 
I chewed more Feen A Mint gum than anyone ever did
I was the Feen A Mint Kid
I did things in front of these strippers I would have normally hid

These chicken wings had left me feeling sickened and morose 
So I chewed some feen a mint gum, I more than tripled the dose 
Once inside the bar, we sat with derelicts and felons 
This talented young lady danced and flashed her giant melons 

And that’s when 
Just then 

My stomach starts to grumble, 
my colon starts rumble, 
My resistance starts to crumble
I excuse myself and stumble 

And I in desperation beat
An obvious retreat 
With my slightly drunken feet 
for the nearest toilet seat 

Privacy 
Most facilities have 4 walls protection 
Which grants the user safety from inspection 
But the toilet in this strip club we had patronized did not have this enclosure 

PTSD 
The strippers manned the bar when not dancing 
The bar was across from the mens room and by glancing 
Each time the door swung open I endured embarrassing exposure 

I was the Feen A Mint Kid 
I chewed more Feen A Mint gum than anyone ever did
I was the Feen A Mint Kid
I did things in front of these strippers I would have normally hid

Feen-A-Mint, The Chewing Gum Laxative

Christmas is a holiday I have some issue with 
For one thing, Santa Clause is such a simple minded farce 
And Jesus wasn’t really born December twenty fifth 
Evidence that he was born at all is very sparse 

And then there’s all the money wasted Christmas present buying 
You rip the wrapper open and exclaim “I really LOVE it!”   
But you don’t really love it, you’re of course, politely lying 
And in three weeks its buried in some closet where you’ll shove it.  

Given all this context, I can tell you now my story. 
One year, I spent Christmas by myself, yes, all alone. 
Hey but listen, I’m not lookin for some pity party poor me 
I was by myself BY CHOICE as off to Mexico I’d flown 

I traded in my stocking cap 
For a colorful sombrero 
I poured the egg nog down the drain 
And took ten shots of Cuervo 
I traded portly Mrs. Clause  
For a slender Senorita 
I traded cups of cocoa 
For a frozen margarita 

I was walking on the golden sand, not buried in a big snow drift 
And that’s the year that I received my Mexican Christmas Gift 

I flew to Cancun Mexico and I stayed in a resort 
I was in between relationships with no kids or commitments 
From a magazine, I found an ad for a pretty young escort 
I was looking for a good time and might need some paid assistance 

We had such a wonderful time we went places that tourists don’t normally go 
She barely spoke English and my Spanish speaking was “mas por favor” and “bueno”.  
We drank and we drank and we danced and we drank, we were out on the town way past dawn  
And when I awoke I discovered my escort, my cash and my credit cards gone!  

I traded in my stocking cap 
For a colorful sombrero 
I poured the egg nog down the drain 
And took ten shots of Cuervo 
I traded portly Mrs. Clause  
For a slender Senorita 
I traded cups of cocoa 
For a frozen margarita 

I was walking on the golden sand, not buried in a big snow drift 
And that’s the year that I received my Mexican Christmas Gift

I called an I cancelled all of my credit card purchases within the hour 
And I booked the next flight to the states one day after, the wiser for the wear 
But I few weeks later, I noticed some bumps that looked like cauliflower 
Growing quite large in the vegetable garden of my pubic hair 

And of course, I right away, made an appointment to get advice from a physician 
And he said, “that’s one of the risks that you take when you foolishly hire escorts” 
And thus began the treatment of painful new condition 

The Christmas gift I got that year was a case of venereal warts.  

I traded in my stocking cap 
For a colorful sombrero 
I poured the egg nog down the drain 
And took ten shots of Cuervo 
I traded Christmas caroling 
For a wild, drunken spree 
I traded getting Christmas gifts 
For a nasty STD.

I was walking on the golden sand, not buried in a big snow drift 
And that’s the year that I received my Mexican Christmas Gift

My Mexican Christmas Gift

Santa!  Jolly Santa! Part 1

She was on the top thrusting 
And then she stood up and hovered 
Like a water pipe busting
My chest and stomach were covered 

I cried “stop, you’re abusing me” 
She said, “don’t talk you’ll spoil it” 
It was clear she was using me
As her personal toilet  

I thought perhaps she’s incontinent 
Or has some bladder condition 
Our sheets were soaked and yet on it went 
Me on my back in submission

I think for sure that she enjoyed 
Being on top and in power. 
And I’ll admit I was annoyed 
By this sudden golden shower

She 
Liked to pee 
On me 

A fetish that no decent man engages in or otherwise supports 

I 
Don’t know why
I’d comply 

I discovered this perversion has a common name:  they call it “watersports”.  

By Watersports we mean time spent 
Swimming or diving or surfing or skiing 
But I found out that it also meant 
A sexual act which might include peeing 

She’d say “put your raincoat on my love
“the forecast calls for sprinkles” 
Then she’d force me down and from above 
Stood over me and tinkles 

She 
Liked to pee 
On me 

A fetish that no decent man engages in or otherwise supports 

I 
Don’t know why
I’d comply 

I discovered this perversion has a common name:  they call it “watersports”.  

Now I understand that some of you may think this is immoral and a gross abomination 
But have empathy dear friends, for she was way out of my league, and she resembled actress Andie MacDowell 
So the trade off that I made was I could be with her if I would just endure her urination 
And life is just a series of these trade offs after all, Hey  good buddy could you hand me a towel?  

My last night with Andie McDonnell
Is Deep in my memory driven
Even the most beautiful gal 
For this can’t be forgiven

We were in the bed it’s “raining” 
And ’m laying there closing my eyes
She was pushing too hard and with all of the straining 
she made us a chocolate surprise!

She 
Liked to pee 
On me 

A fetish that no decent man engages in or otherwise supports 

I 
Don’t know why
I’d comply 

I discovered this perversion has a common name:  they call it “watersports”.

Watersports

I was crouching down low in a bush 
that looked like a tuft of course hair, 
My jaws I would rhythmically push 
In this soggy ravine void of air 

Right in front of my eyes the beast lay 
I moved my head nary an inch 
This beast can be frightened away 
You must stay in one spot and don’t flinch 

Its a wet, soggy climb  
And with the passing of time 
The chinks in your armor will show 

No man wants to fail 
When he’s hot on the trail 
Of The elusive beast known as Big O 

The Big O 
The Big O 
There’s no limit to the lengths a man’s willing to go 

The Big O 
The Big O 
The elusive beast known as Big O 

I had the beast right where I wanted 
So long I’d been patiently waiting 
When a noise scared away what I hunted 
A cell phone on the night stand vibrating 

This startled the beast and it scampered 
Off into the distance fur flying 
The hunt for Big O was now hampered 
And the soggy ravine was now drying 

With the beast on the run 
I was back at square one 
And this was sad, undeniably so 

But your persistence bears fruit 
If you stay in pursuit 
Of the elusive beast known as Big O 

The Big O 
The Big O 
There’s no limit to the lengths a man’s willing to go 

The Big O 
The Big O 
The elusive beast known as Big O

I returned to the usual hunting spot 
And continued my dogged pursuit 
But I attacked where it would have expected me not 
Yes I took a circuitous route 

This confused the beast and stopped it from moving 
I kept a steady pace, consistent and slow 
With each flick my aim was vastly improving 
And I heard the dying moans of big O 

I wiped my face off, it was soaked 
And we both cigarettes smoked 
There’s a life lesson here, don’t you know 

Keep your nose to the grindstone 
And you might get your mind blown
By the elusive beast known as Big O 


The Big O 
The Big O 
There is no limit to the lengths a man’s willing to go 

The Big O 
The Big O 
The elusive beast known as Big O


The Elusive Beast Known As  "BIG O"

It was 3 in the morning and I texted her “HEY” 
And she texted back “Hi, How Are You” right away 
And I texted back “Fine.  I just got home from drinking” 
And she texted “Me too”, her emoji was winking

And I texted back “Miss you” and my emoji was sobbing 
And she texted “Come over?”  with a question mark throbbing 
And I texted back “leaving” with a cartoon man racing 
And she texted back “waiting” with two emojis embracing 

And now I’m driving and texted her a cartoon car cruising 
And she texted back “sleepy “and her emoji was snoozing 
And I texted back a wth - what the hell?  
And she texted ijk, smh, lol! 

I texted her my ETA the time I’m arriving 
Of course, it’s highly illegal  to be texting while driving 
She texted back a picture with her bouncy breasts unhoused 
And I texted back an eggplant meaning “I am aroused” 

And then she texted back a photo of her roommate quite beguiling 
And she texted an emoji of a purple devil smiling 
And then she texted if you hurry maybe 2 could be a 3!  
And I texted back a YOLO and a red OMG!  

And now I’m driving even faster and continuing to text 
You will ROFL when I tell you folks what happened next 
A cop was now behind me his lights flashing red and blue 
And I texted “got pulled over”, she texted back “STFU!”  

He said, license, registration saw you texting, you were speeding 
I said, sorry sir please write the ticket quickly I was pleading 
He said son, if you’ve been drinking you’re about to lose your freedom 
I said sorry sir but TBH I’m heading to a threesome.  

He said step out from the car please and I knew wouldn’t go free
So before I did I texted her a crying face emoji 
And I texted her it looks like I’ll be sleeping in a cell 
She texted back a sad emoji and ttyl .

Text Me

Five different generations spent the holidays together 
And in time the conversations moved beyond the local weather 
Which in turn led to an argument more vicious than the usual fuss 

There are conversation topics it be better that you didn’t discuss 

I remember how it started, grandpa made the proud endorsement 
That in his day nearly everyone respected law enforcement 
And his grand niece said “I disagree, I think we should defund the police”. 

There are conversation topics you should run from if you want to keep the peace 

This made grandpa very angry, he thought of young folks as his pupils 
He questioned her intelligence and and ridiculed her scruples 
And she fired back “the cops killed Micheal Brown and then they murdered poor George Floyd” 

There are conversation topics you should do your very best to avoid 

As the conversations heated and the temperatures were warming 
It was clear that generational alliances were forming 
With the elders on the one side and the younger on the other side aligned 

On certain conversation topics, its better that you never had opined 

The arguments got mixed like they were shoved inside a blender 
From gun rights to abortion to the rights of the transgender 
And the volumes of the normal tones of voices had been turned up to a shout

There are conversation topics that you’d better keep your mouth shut up about 

As the arguments continued in almost each and every case 
No matter how it might have started the topic always turned to race 
And grandpa and his grand niece had the following unpleasant tit for tat 

There are conversation topics you should run from like a mouse runs from a cat 

She said, “White people are oppressors they built each racist institution”
And grandpa cried “they also wrote the us constitution”
She said “the constitution’s just a pack of lies, Thomas Jefferson had slaves” 

Certain conversation topics have the founding fathers spinning in their graves

She said “Whites have benefited from the systems that they built 
And they should recognize their privilege and accept collective guilt”
And grandpa cried “if you believe that then the dream of  Martin Luther king is dead.” 

There are conversation topics that will make you say things better left unsaid. 

And now the poison from the younger folks poured out this verbal spigot 
And insults hurled like “nazi, racist, homophobe, and bigot” 
Blood relatives engaged in acts of verbal retribution, sharp and brisk 

Yeah there are conversation topics for which the benefits don’t justify the risk

The greatest generation and the boomers were both pitted 
Against Millenials and Gen Z, in mortal combat both committed 
Generation X was in the middle trying hard to be the referee 

Yeah there are conversation topics that might be tear apart your whole damn family 

And then the elders all announced   “we’ve had enough of this we’re leaving” 
And connections that took years to form all at once were cleaving 
No apologies would matter now, those insults formed a permanent wedge 

There are conversation topics that send level headed people off the ledge

Conversation Topics You Should Probably Avoid

Addicted to Internet Porn

I dreamt that I was walking in a graveyard late at night
And I came upon three headstones that were bathed in eery light 
And was reading the inscription on the headstones and they read: 
“What lay here once was living but because of YOU its dead.”

And I thought “what are these headstones? What poor creatures lay below
And was it I that killed them, these inscriptions say its so!” 
And all at once three ghastly creatures from the dirt ascended 
And in the air above its tombstone each one was suspended 

I took a closer look at each these floating, ghastly creatures 
And they were tiny bug like things with oddly human features 
And all at once, one looked at me, such tiny eyeballs had he 
And with its tiny unformed mouth it whispered “hello daddy”. 

And my legs began to shake with fear, my torso unsupported 
And I cried out “you’re the fetus that I paid to have aborted!” 
“Please forgive me little fetus, in your judgement please be lenient 
We had to kill you don’t you see, you simply weren’t convenient!” 

And then I heard a whisper coming from the other two 
 Is that why I died Dad? Did I inconvenience you?
And I answered:  “I was jobless and I couldn’t then afford it” 
Please forgive me fetus, that is why you were aborted!”  

And yet another whisper then I subsequently heard 
This one was the final of the fetuses, the third 
“what about me,  daddy?  Why was I ripped out of mother? 
And I answered “please forgive me.  We just didn’t love each other” 

“Look, I’m sorry that I paid to have you ripped out of the womb 
You would have been my sons, your sex I only can assume 
But this has been cathartic, I’m so glad we had this talk. 
In spite of the abortions, you’re still chips off the block!” 


Hello, Daddy

Thank you dear for sitting down with me 
Across our kitchen table have I sat you 
There are places you would rather be 
But I wanted to talk with you not talk at you 

245 years we’ve been wed now 
We’ve had some fights, we had a civil war 
But our love for one another is just dead now 
And we can’t go on like this anymore 

It’s time we got a National Divorce 
We’re not capable of rational discourse 
Let’s divide our assets peaceably 
Negotiate joint custody 
And avoid the use of military force 

I’m sorry its been years since we both spoke 
You’ve been tough to understand since you got woke 
You can have New York and California 
They’re both nice but I should warn ya 
You can’t give them back if they go broke

I’m hoping you’ll embrace negotiation 
Let’s be civil and accept the path we’re on 
We’ve no hope for reconciliation 
Our 50 children all grown up and gone 

You wear a nose ring and I wears boots and flannels 
We’re not compatible, we should have seen the signs 
You can have the wind mills and solar panels 
I’ll take all those horrible coal mines

It’s time we got a National Divorce 
We’re not capable of rational discourse 
Let’s divide our assets peaceably 
Negotiate joint custody 
And avoid the use of military force 

I’m sorry its been years since we both spoke 
You’ve been tough to understand since you got woke 
You can have New York and California 
They’re both nice but I should warn ya 
You can’t give them back if they go broke

Now I know I’m just blue collar and when we married you were slumming 
You’re book smart, Ivy League degreed with a longing for purposes higher 
I built our houses and railroads, fought our wars and fixed our plumbing 
While you buried us in debt to build your socialist empire 

With your Ivy League training a counter proposal is forming 
But just think:  you could end racism after today 
Just think, now you can finally beat global warming 
And I won’t be around to get in your way 




Now listen, I want this agreement to be worth your while 
I’ll even throw in Washington DC 
We can go halvsies on all of the nuclear stockpile 
But Both Florida and Texas staying with me 

It’s time we got a National Divorce 
We’re not capable of rational discourse 
Let’s divide our assets peaceably 
Negotiate joint custody 
And avoid the use of military force 

I’m sorry its been years since we both spoke 
You’ve been tough to understand since you got woke 
You can have New York and California 
They’re both nice but I should warn ya 
You can’t give them back if they go broke

National Divorce

Studies Show

We’re boiling the frogs dear friends, we’re boiling the frogs. 
We scoop them up in fishing nets off fallen, floating logs 
We gather them and dump them in a pot of Luke warm water 
And raise the heat so slowly they don’t feel it getting hotter 

Incremental heat increase 
The pot of frogs just bob at peace 
And before they know it they are boiled

Every year in Davos Switzerland our masters gather 
CEOs and billionaires arrive in private jets 
And all the politicians come to elbow rub and blather 
On the future of us all, their poor pathetic pets 

And Klaus Schwab is the leader of this batshit crazy forum 
He looks like Dr Evil from the movie Austin Powers
If the world were sane we’d simply curse them and ignore them 
But it seems the world’s gone mad and now the common man just cowers 

We’re boiling the frogs dear friends, we’re boiling the frogs. 
We scoop them up in fishing nets off fallen, floating logs 
We gather them and dump them in a pot of Luke warm water 
And raise the heat so slowly they don’t feel it getting hotter 

Incremental heat increase 
The pot of frogs just bob at peace 
And before they know it they are boiled

So tell us what’s so bad with leaders seeking world improvement?  
All the greatest movie actors go! Wish we had tickets!  
Wake up stupid people! They plan to track your every movement!  
And no chicken, beef or fish for you! You shall dine on crickets!
 
They’re using climate change to build a communist utopia 
A world in which we’ll freeze and sweat without sufficient fuel 
And all you stupid fuckers seem to suffer from myopia 
Why are we so gullible? Such easy prey to fool?  

We’re boiling the frogs dear friends, we’re boiling the frogs. 
We scoop them up in fishing nets off fallen, floating logs 
We gather them and dump them in a pot of Luke warm water 
And raise the heat so slowly they don’t feel it getting hotter 

Incremental heat increase 
The pot of frogs just bob at peace 
And before they know it they are boiled

George Soros, Jeff Bezos, Klaus Schwab and Bill Gates 
These are the kings of the world it would seem who determine our separate fates
We’ll be enslaved unless plans to install social credit score systems are foiled 
Wake up you sleeping frogs, jump from the pot before its much too late and you’re boiled! 

Businesses and countries now have scores called ESG 
Determined by adherence to a range of climate goals 
“That sounds bad but what the hell has that to do with me?”  
Wake up sleepy frog, you’re next in line for their controls!  

They’ve built an app that tracks how far you drive and what you eat! 
Once they’ve digitized your money you’ll be slaves forevermore 
Are you substituting cricket powder for your meat?   
You work and pay for groceries with your social credit score 

We’re boiling the frogs dear friends, we’re boiling the frogs. 
We scoop them up in fishing nets off fallen, floating logs 
We gather them and dump them in a pot of Luke warm water 
And raise the heat so slowly they don’t feel it getting hotter 

Incremental heat increase 
The pot of frogs just bob at peace 
And before they know it they are boiled

We're Boiling the Frogs

She was a cheerleader way back in high school possessing a genuine girl next door beauty 
I think of her waving her pom poms around and her cheerleader skirt barely covers her booty 

I was a pot smoking long haired musician a wanna be rock star and object of laughter 
who watched from afar as the cheerleaders cheered and would pleasure himself at the thought of them after 

Clearly her status exceeded my status as she’s in a higher societal layer 
Which also was true of the wealthier kids or the track stars, the football or basketball player 

Their parents were doctors and lawyers and they lived in mansions while our folks resided in shanties 
And I swore that someday I’d rise to the level required for sniffing a cheerleaders panties

Sniffing a cheerleaders’s panties….

If I could sniff a cheerleader’s panties 
That’s when I’ll know that I’ve truly succeeded,  I’ve climbed to the uppermost personal level 
If I could sniff a cheerleader’s panties 
That is the only incentive I’ve needed, for selling my very own soul to the devil 

I’d bury my face in a gently worn pair 
Of Cheerleader’s underwear 

Many years later as fortune would have it, the cheerleader now had two kids and was single  
And I had done well, as the old saying goes, “he had so much money his pockets would jingle” 

And she came to my office one day for a job I said, “let’s do the job interview over dinner”. 
In spite of the fact that she’d gained a few pounds, I could still see the cheerleader buried within her 

The tides had now turned, in the words of the proverb “the one hand it washes the other” 
And she was in need of a job it would seem as she now was a young, single mother 

I said, “listen you’ve got it! I’ll give you the job with just one small condition I couldn’t make plainer: 
Go to the ladies room, take off your panties and place them inside this to go box container”   

Place your panties inside this to go box container….


If I could sniff 
a cheerleader’s panties 
That’s when I’ll know that I’ve truly succeeded,  I’ve climbed to the uppermost personal level 
If I could sniff 
a cheerleader’s panties 
That is the only incentive I’ve needed, for selling my very own soul to the devil 

I’d bury my face in a gently worn pair 
Of Cheerleader’s underwear 

She did as I asked and returned from the ladies room with the to go box container in hand 
She handed it to me and left right away, she was clearly upset with my twisted demand 

I took it right home and I carefully lifted the panties out from the container they lay 
I buried my face in the crotch of her panties and took in a very deep breath I must say 

And what was the cheerleader’s panties aroma? 
Did you lapse into an orgasmic coma?  
Was it worth all of the time that you spent?
The hours you lay awake craving the scent?  

Please tell!  
About the moment you smell!  
And your dreams all come true! 
Tell us what did you do?   

I smelled her soiled panties and I softly muttered “Pew”.  

Well, I did smell 
a cheerleader’s panties 
I must say I found it quite anti-climatic.  Just one whiff from one pair of panties suffices 
Well, I did smell 
a cheerleader’s panties
I know I might risk sounding over-dramatic, but I think that I’m having a middle life crisis 

What’s led me to such deep despair?  
A Cheerleader’s underwear 


A Cheerleader's Panties

We was sitting down at Rosie’s we were drinkin’ beers and playing on the slots 
And this fella we aint never seen before walks in and picks a slot machine 
And before we knew what happened, he had hit one of the largest known jackpots 
And he cashed it in and got the largest wad of bills my two eyes’d ever seen 

Yeah, I seen it with my own two eyes 
I seen it with my own two eyes 
A stranger plays the slots 
And hits the largest known jackpots
Yeah, I seen it with my own two eyes 
I seen it with my own two eyes 

He was jovial and gracious and he bought me and the boys a round of beers 
Here’s this guy from out of town who waltzes in and wins the biggest prize 
We aint never been that lucky we’ve been playing on these slots for many years 
I wouldn’t have believed it but I seen it with my own two eyes 

Yeah, I seen it with my own two eyes 
I seen it with my own two eyes 
He was jovial and gracious 
And his watch was ostentatious 
Yeah, I seen it with my own two eyes 
I seen it with my own two eyes 

He explained he was a banker, he was well dressed and his watch was quite expensive 
I could sense my old pal Cody gettin angry when he’s drinking he’s been known to 
Old Cody was just staring at the banker with his own two eyes intensive 
I wouldn’t have believed it but I sat there lookin at it with my own two 

Yeah, I seen it with my own two eyes 
I seen it with my own two eyes 
Cody stared right through this stranger 
And I knew he was in danger 
Yeah, I seen it with my own two eyes 
I seen it with my own two eyes 

The lucky banker said farewell to Rosie’s and departed 
Cody pulled a hunting knife and out the door he started 
Cody walked out toward him and approached him in the back lot 
“We’ve been comin here for years HE yelled, and never won no jackpot! 
You waltz in here with your fancy watch and walk out with that wad?
You’d better hand it over or prepare to meet your GOD! 
We came runnin’ when we heard the banker’s awful dying cries 
And I’m sad to say I seen it with my very own two eyes 

Yeah, I seen it with my own two eyes 
I seen it with my own two eyes 
He plunged the knife into him 
And it went completely through him 
I saw it with my own two eyes
Yeah, I seen it with my own two eyes 
I seen it with my own two eyes 


Cody now on trial for the banker that he stabbed in reckless fury 
To testify against a friend is harder than you’d ever realize 
I sat there in the witness stand and this is what I told the seated jury 
“Cody stabbed that banker and I seen it with my own two eyes” 

Yeah, I seen it with my own two eyes 
I seen it with my own two eyes 
By unanimous decision 
He was given life in prison 
I seen it with my own two eyes
Yeah, I seen it with my own two eyes 
I seen it with my own two eyes 

"I Seen It With My Own Two Eyes"

I’m wee and I’m white and I’m weak and wear glasses, I’m not a good fighter, in fact I’m as soft as a pillow 

My celly was muscular tall as a tree and was covered completely in nazi-inspired tattoos 

The door slammed behind me, and up from the bottom bunk celly arose like a hot wind from hell he did billow 

He stood right in front of me, towering over me, I was afraid for the teeth I would probably lose 

‘are you a chomo” a child molester? Just show me your paperwork, Are you a snitch or a cop punk?” 

I said, “no man, I didn’t molest any children I cheated on taxes but made a mistake and got nabbed” 

He leafed through my paperwork, handed it back to me pointed and said ‘ok, make yourself home on the top bunk”. 

“Remember there’s only one toilet so flush right away if you shit. It if stinks then you’re gonna get stabbed”.  

It’s my new life in federal prison 
Joining the skinheads is probably my only hope 
It’s my new life in federal prison 
Keep your eyes lowered and make sure you don’t drop the soap 

So I climbed in the top bunk and curled in the fetal position and prayed that I wouldn’t be ass raped or beaten

I heard the door pop very loudly first thing the next morning and prisoners leaving for chow to the mess went

I wasn’t enthused about leaving my bunk but was starving for it had been several days since I’d eaten 

So I followed the others in line to get breakfast and knew they were looking me over to make  their assessment 

A critical part of your time here in prison is finding a table where you are permitted to eat 

The child molesters, the whites and the blacks and the Mexicans all have their table positions assigned 

I tried to sit down at the white person’s table but some dude protested and I made a hasty retreat 

I ended up eating with child molesters cause that was the only available seat I could find. 






It’s my new life in federal prison 
Joining the skinheads is probably my only hope 
It’s my new life in federal prison 
Keep your eyes lowered and make sure you don’t drop the soap

I tried to avoid ever taking a shower but after a couple of weeks 
My body aroma’s so pungent my eyes could have burned out 
While in the shower I suffered the forced penetration of gluteal cheeks 
I was forcibly sodomized or in prison vernacular:  “turned out”. 

Now I can just hear all you tough guys proclaiming that you would have died before letting another man rape you 

And Iike I said earlier, I’m not a fighter I fought these dudes off for as long as possibly could 

But when there are three of them crammed in a very small space and there isn’t another place you can escape to 

You can fight all you want, you can scream you can holler but ultimately that is not gonna do you much good 

If I snitched to the guards on the fellas that raped me then I would be sliced ear to ear just as sure as the sunrise 

If I murdered the fellas that raped me and if I was caught then the rest of my life they would put me away 

I could join with the nazis and they would protect me but then I would have be friends with those wonderful, fun guys 

Sometimes the easiest thing you can do is just go with the flow and pretend that you’re gay for the stay

It’s my new life in federal prison 
Like every good shortstop I’m turning a big double play 
It’s my new life in federal prison 
Sure, I’ve learned to bottom but I’m only gay for the stay 
Sure, I’m giving blowjobs but I’m only gay for the stay.  

My New Life In Federal Prison

Vaginal Vampire

After I’ve laundered my clothes
I fold them before their next wearing 
And right out from under my nose
One or two socks have no pairing

“Where did they go “, I ask dumbly?  
Socks cover your feet but can’t walk!  
Did somebody steal them from me?  
Why would they? What good is one sock?  

I thoroughly checked both the washer and dryer
I searched on the floor with both hands 
I found enough lint to ignite a house fire
I Found Bobby pins Pennys and old rubber bands 

But my fugitive socks proved elusive 
Are they here but I’m simply not seeing? 
Such mysteries are not conducive 
To one’ s overall mental wellbeing 

Where do these things go 
Where have these things gone?  
Where do these things go 
Where have they gone?

I thought is it wrong if I pray? 
God through our prayers sometimes talks  
But Thousands of Children go missing each day
So god cant be bothered with finding your socks 

SO there I was stuck in this quandary 
In this respect, life is quite odd 
One minute you’re happily doing your laundry 
The next one you contemplate talking to god 

I thought “don’t bother God, you should just ask a saint!” 
And the rubicon then had been crossed 
As I fell to my knees to address my complaint 
To Saint Anthony, patron saint of what is lost 

“Saint Anthony, please hear my prayer 
Please hear my reverent plea
Two of the socks that I most often wear 
Have vanished mysteriously” 

Where did these things go 
Where have these things gone?  
Where did the these things go 
Where have they gone?

No sooner had I from my knees rose 
With smoke and the sound of a choir 
Saint Anthony stood there in a monk’s modest clothes 
In my laundry room, next to my washer and dryer 

And out from his robe came a box 
He opened it’s lid with a knife 
And in there lay my missing socks 
And everything else I had lost my whole life. 

There were wallets and car keys and polaroid glasses 
Ink pens and cell phones and rings 
A term paper I wrote for one of my classes 
And myriad other forgettable things 

But looking much deeper within the saint’s box 
I saw the uncomfortable truth 
Laying there next to my two missing socks 
Were my dreams and my vigorous youth 

Where did these things go 
Where have these things gone?  
Where did these things go 
Where have they gone?

The Patron Saint of Lost Socks

The Accidental Overdose of Gladys Kravitz

I write story songs.   Many of the stories are true.

Watch my videos!  YouTube:   https://youtube.com/@turtlefrogman?feature=shared

Topics:   Sexual fetishes, reincarnation, sleep apnea, women who don't shave, the story of January 6th 2021, COVID, drug use, pizza place robbery, weddings, divorces and funerals, cannibalism, the story of Joe Biden, transgenderism and pronouns, erectile dysfunction, the World Economic Forum, the story of the USS Indianapolis, time machines, accidents with laxatives, school yard fights, proctologists, teen moms, scientific studies, genital warts, generational divides, national divorce, peeping toms, abortion, petty theft, DIY screws and mental health, suicide etc.

TurtleFrogMan

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