On his motel room floor, my friend Chuck let me crash 
I had a bus ticket to Chicago and 200 in cash 
This free place to stay was a generous gift 
See, I had dropped out of college and my life was adrift 

While Chuck was at work, the motel owner came pounding 
He said “You haven’t paid a dime in rent and I’m tired of hounding” 
I said, “When Chuck returns from work, I will remind him to pay” 
He said, “I calling the sheriff, I want my money today”. 

You can call me a deadbeat or whatever you’d like 
But I gathered my belongings and I boarded my bike   
And made haste to the bus station with the coppers en route 
I never spoke to Chuck again, I hope they worked it all out 

This is quite a long story, you should try to hang loose 
Pour yourself a stiff drink to enjoy 
I’m getting to the part where I was bit by a goose 
In Schaumburg, Illinois

I had a friend up in Schaumburg who invited me to stay 
Schaumburg is a suburb of Chicago by the way 
So I took the bus to Chicago and left my troubles behind it 
I had his and address and phone number so I’d figured I’d find it 

I took the L train to Schaumburg and it was shocking to me 
Nothing but farm land as far as my eyes could see 
No taxi cabs or buses, no pay phones around 
So I just starting walking down the first road I found 

And this road let to a highway but which direction do I go 
My only hope was to hitchhike and so with dread I did so 
A guy in a pickup stopped, I showed the address I’d written 
He said, “get in the back with my dog, don’t worry he’s never bitten”. 

He was a grown man but unarmed, afraid of abuse 
At heart, just a scared mama’s boy 
He’s getting to the part where he was bit by a goose 
In Schaumburg, Illinois

And this man who picked me up finally found the address 
I had feared this guy would murder me, I must confess 
He let me out of his truck and I was practically giddy 
He said, “I used a quarter tank of gas, how bout you give me a fiddy?”

My friend’s apartment had a number like one zero three 
I found 101 and 104 so where the hell could it be?  
I looked for it doggedly but it could not be found 
I asked several people I saw milling around 

But no one could help me solve this new mystery 
Where in god’s name was apartment 1 zero three?   
I was at my wit’s end, I nearly broke down and cried 
It’s like my dog, my mom, my best friend and my dreams had all died 

He felt as useless as garbage, just like human refuse 
He had lost every semblance of joy 
He’s  nearly to the part where he’s bit by a goose 
In Schaumburg, Illinois 

I saw the big golden arches, about a 1/2 mile yonder
I thought I’ll buy a hot cup of coffee and reflectively ponder 
And so I headed down the sidewalk and I had traveled a piece 
And on the left I saw a big pond and big flock of geese 

I thought nothing more of it, I thought the geese would ignore me  
But out of my left eye I saw these geese coming for me 
I started running but it was too late they had already caught me 
And on my left thigh just below my butt this big fucker got me 

The rest of the story isn’t very exciting 
I found my friend’s apartment but by week’s end we were fighting 
Over some girl in a bar, to even say it makes me wince 
And the next day I was on a bus and I haven’t seen my friend since 

He’s ashamed of himself, there’s simply no good excuse 
For letting some girl his friendship destroy 
But now he’s told you the story of being bit by a goose 
In Schaumburg, Illinois

TurtleFrogMan

I Was Bitten By a Goose in Schaumburg, Illinois

The whiskers of the fresh water catfish 
Are more dangerous than maybe they might look 
If you’re fishing and you happen to catch that fish  
Please be careful when you’re taking out the hook 
 
My fiancee’s father took me with him fishing 
In his boat out on a giant fishing lake 
I was eager to score points and so was wishing 
A good impression of myself that I would make 

He caught a fish each time he cast his line out 
He caught 10 fish in just an hour span 
I didn’t get a single bite when I cast mine out 
And it looked as though I was the lesser man 

The whiskers of the fresh water catfish 
Are more dangerous than maybe they might look 
If you’re fishing and you happen to catch that fish  
Please be careful when you’re taking out the hook  

I accepted that this outing was a fail 
When my fishing line from slack grew very taught 
It felt like I had landed a small whale 
It pulled our boat ten yards, I shit you not! 

I fought this beast until my legs were jelly 
I pulled it in with all the strength I had 
But I’d hooked it in its giant catfish belly   
And apparently that really makes them mad! 

The whiskers of the fresh water catfish 
Are more dangerous than maybe they look 
If you’re fishing and you happen to catch that fish  
Please be careful when you’re taking out the hook

It squirmed and thrashed, its whiskers all aflutter 
I grabbed it which in hindsight was quite dumb 
Like a hypodermic needle into butter 
A whisker found its way into my thumb!

I’ll admit I cried a little and grew queasy 
My fiancee’s father was not sympathetic 
Pulling out a catfish barb’s not easy 
And Screaming like a school girl is pathetic 
 
The whiskers of the fresh water catfish 
Are more dangerous than maybe they look 
If you’re fishing and you happen to catch that fish  
Please be careful when you’re taking out the hook

Catfish Whiskers Are Dangerous

A man takes a popular hair growing pharmaceutical and experiences growth in an unwanted area.

Common Side Effects Of This Include......

A Figuerora With A Storjohann

I had a friend whose mechanical aptitude was nothing short of sublime 
And when it comes to the physical sciences, he was quite thoroughly versed 
Over drinks he informed me he’d built a device that could transport a person through time 
And he asked if I’d help him to test his invention by taking the risk to be first 

And of course, I agreed, I mean who wouldn’t jump at the chance to revisit the past 
To travel through time like explorers in history, way off the beaten path, way off 
Think of it, you could buy bitcoins for pennies, return with a fortune amassed 
Or you could save 6 million jews from the ovens by killing an infant named Adolph 

I got in the vehicle, strapped on a helmet and made sure that my seat belt was snug 
It smoked and it whirred and it made lots of noises and spun like a carnival ride 
My friend warned me he couldn’t gauge where’d I’d travel to due to a programming bug  
It crashed to the ground and I started inspecting myself to ensure I’d not died 

I opened the hatch and was greeted by hundreds of savages, scantily clad 
It was clearly apparent that one was the leader, I offered my hand, “how are you sir?”  
They raised up their spears in defense of their leader who asked “are you a god, good or bad?”  
I said “i am no god and I mean you no harm, I am a man from the future”.  

At first they seemed welcoming, happy to have me, they asked of the future enthused 
I told them we sit on a seat we call toilet, it carries our waste through a pipe  
That flows to a waste water treatment facility where it is cleaned and reused 
And rather than leaves we have rolls of soft paper we use when we’re done and we wipe 

I told them that we live in houses and don’t sweat in summer nor in winter shiver 
Our heat and light come from electrons, these particles floating that none of us see 
But they thought me a god making promises to them that now I would have to deliver 
And just then, their leader arose and was forcefully speaking directly to me: 

“We want the things you describe, you’re a god, there’s a way you can give us these isn’t there?”
I apologized to him, “I don’t have the knowledge I’d need to build these things for you”. 
But this explanation was not satisfactory, I was then taken as prisoner 
You will build us these lights and these toilets you speak of, we will keep you here until you do 

But I can’t invent electricity even a toilet to me seems complex 
How does the poo and pee move through the pipe for great distances, miles and miles?  
Instead of learning such things I spent all of my free time in bars hunting drunk girls for sex 
I’m just a monkey who pushes down buttons, flips switches, swipes right and turns dials 

So, If you’re given the chance to learn how the world works I suggest you perhaps do 
Don’t be like me and expend all your free time in drinking and other tomfoolery 
I don’t know their customs, I don’t hunt or fish, I’m a prisoner now they throw scraps to 
They’ve taken apart my time travel machine and wear some of the parts like it’s jewelry

A Modern Monkey In A Time Machine

Once in a community garden, we planted vegetables like spinach and such
This old asian couple had a plot next to ours and we didn’t like each other much
We spent hours prepping the soil and we buried the vegetable seeds 
And one day she hoed up all our sprouts and she said that she mistook them for weeds 

And of course we were livid and we asked her “why did you wipe out our planting?  
She claimed that we planted our seeds on her plot and accused us of angrily ranting

She said, why you so mad they only just sprouts,                                                                                     Up the stakes they’d not started to climb

I said, “sure they were sprouts but they would have been vegetables, 
it was only just a matter of time. 

It was only a matter of time 
It was only a matter of time 
Just as sure as a clock on the hour will chime 
It was only a matter of time

I had a bucket of loose pocket change, you remember:  pennies, nickels, dimes quarters?
We paid for things with cash and the change would accumulate and then you’d take it in to one of those sorters 
And then one day I noticed that the bucket was empty and I cried out like a theft victim hollers
My wife heard me yell and ran into the room to explain, she’d exchanged it for dollars!

And of course I was angry and asked her: do you know how long that bucket full to get?  
She said, I took the kids for ice cream and we rented scary movies, I didn’t want to add to our credit card debt
She asked, “Why are you mad, it was just pocket change?  It’s petty theft and not a capital crime!”  
I said, “sure it was just change but it could have been a fortune, it was only a matter of time. 

It was only a matter of time 
It was only a matter of time 
Just as sure as a clock on the hour will chime 
It was only a matter of time

We sat there for seemingly hours, when they finally called out her name 
She followed them back there reluctantly both of us feeling a deep sense of shame 
When it was over we made a very quick exit, neither one of us felt any grief 
Not to say we were happy, we weren’t we were numb and we both breathed a sigh of relief  

And of course I was thinking and I asked her:  “should we have spent some more time hesitating?”   
And she replied, “we just averted disaster: you’re a pizza cook and I’m table waiting”. 
She said, “it was only the removal of tissue, don’t think of it as something sublime”
I said, “sure it was tissue but that could have been our baby it was only a matter of time.  

It was only a matter of time 
It was only a matter of time 
Just as sure as a clock on the hour will chime 
It was only a matter of time

It Was Only a Matter of Time (3 Short Stories)

I climbed up on a stool 
Around my neck the rope wrapping 
I pushed the stool away for it was weight bearing 

I woke up in my drool 
On the couch I’d been napping 
Football on the TV was blaring 

Someone knocking, Who is it?  
When I arose all my snacking 
Flew off me in a cloud of junk food

It was my girlfriend come to visit 
But I sent that girl packing 
On Suicide Sunday, I prefer solitude  

Suicide Sunday 
I think it’s common among us 
Its not my own personal quirk 

For the next day is Monday 
And if the noose hasn’t hung us 
We have to get dressed and go back to work 

My girlfriend was furious 
She felt rejected apropos 
She assumed she had an open invitation 

When She calmed down, she was curious 
So I quoted Henry D Thoreau 
“most men live lives of quiet desperation” 

In our cubicles we all cloister 
And To our bosses deferential 
As we suckle on the corporate teat 

The world used to be my oyster 
I used to have so much potential 
And on Suicide Sunday, I must admit my defeat 

Suicide Sunday 
I think it’s common among us 
Its not my own personal quirk 

For the next day is Monday 
And if the noose hasn’t hung us 
We have to get dressed and go back to work 


Why do so many men seem to secretly hate their employment?  
xxIt pays them and feeds them like a hamster fed for running his wheel 
It pays us and feeds us and yet we spend so much energy griping 
Our ancestors broke their backs in the hot sun with not a moment’s enjoyment 
And I’m bitching about sitting in a comfortable chair, in an air conditioned cubicle typing?

The girlfriend is my wife now 
Another company has employed me 
As they say what’s not broke you don’t fix 

I’m content with my life now 
But on Sundays please avoid me 
Cause You can’t teach an old dog new tricks 

I drink a six pack and a bag of chips 
I dream that no one’s gonna save me 
As A rope around my neck’s tightly noosed 

Its on Sundays that I come to grips 
I didn’t use what god gave me 
On Suicide Sundays, my pigeons come to roost

Suicide Sunday 
I think it’s common among us 
Its not my own personal quirk 

For the next day is Monday 
And if the noose hasn’t hung us 
We have to get dressed and go back to work

It's Suicide Sunday (Because Tomorrow is Monday)

I was crouching down low in a bush 
that looked like a tuft of course hair, 
My jaws I would rhythmically push 
In this soggy ravine void of air 

Right in front of my eyes the beast lay 
I moved my head nary an inch 
This beast can be frightened away 
You must stay in one spot and don’t flinch 

Its a wet, soggy climb  
And with the passing of time 
The chinks in your armor will show 

No man wants to fail 
When he’s hot on the trail 
Of The elusive beast known as Big O 

The Big O 
The Big O 
There’s no limit to the lengths a man’s willing to go 

The Big O 
The Big O 
The elusive beast known as Big O 

I had the beast right where I wanted 
So long I’d been patiently waiting 
When a noise scared away what I hunted 
A cell phone on the night stand vibrating 

This startled the beast and it scampered 
Off into the distance fur flying 
The hunt for Big O was now hampered 
And the soggy ravine was now drying 

With the beast on the run 
I was back at square one 
And this was sad, undeniably so 

But your persistence bears fruit 
If you stay in pursuit 
Of the elusive beast known as Big O 

The Big O 
The Big O 
There’s no limit to the lengths a man’s willing to go 

The Big O 
The Big O 
The elusive beast known as Big O

I returned to the usual hunting spot 
And continued my dogged pursuit 
But I attacked where it would have expected me not 
Yes I took a circuitous route 

This confused the beast and stopped it from moving 
I kept a steady pace, consistent and slow 
With each flick my aim was vastly improving 
And I heard the dying moans of big O 

I wiped my face off, it was soaked 
And we both cigarettes smoked 
There’s a life lesson here, don’t you know 

Keep your nose to the grindstone 
And you might get your mind blown
By the elusive beast known as Big O 


The Big O 
The Big O 
There is no limit to the lengths a man’s willing to go 

The Big O 
The Big O 
The elusive beast known as Big O

The Elusive Beast Known as "BIG O"

My friend Tanuj Taneja was of Indian descent 
We were both computer nerds I must confess 
We were horny, young and single and our free time mostly spent 
Going out to bars and chasing girls without success 

And one day I suggested we attempt a new approach 
Line dancing was what all the girls were doing 
So I figured with some cowboy clothes and a good line dancing coach 
We’d improve our odds of getting laid, the goal we were pursuing 

So picture this:  a short bald jew and a skinny tallish hindu 
Attending line dance classes sporting brand new hats and boots 
They offered them for free down at a bar we'd never been to 
This bar was called the Dallas Bull and was home for our pursuits 

Line Dancing at the Dallas Bull 
Two geeks dressed up like cowboys like two wolves dressed in sheep’s wool 
We were terrible at dancing, not a pleasant visual 
Line Dancing at the Dallas Bull

Line dancing’s great for men because there’s no risk of rejection 
You just find an empty spot in line next to a pretty girl 
Find someone who seems to know and follow their direction 
You just stomp your heel and kick ball change and do a little twirl 

We’d had lessons but were nervous so we drank a lot of beer first 
And got drunk enough to not care that we looked ridiculous 
As with anything you’re trying you must overcome your fear first 
Tanuj and I went on the floor and found two spots for us 

Line Dancing at the Dallas Bull 
Two geeks dressed up like cowboys like two wolves dressed in sheep’s wool 
We were terrible at dancing, not a pleasant visual 
Line Dancing at the Dallas Bull

So the DJ started playing Boot Scoot Boogie and we’re moving 
Its a complicated mix of steps , we were giving it our best 
As the song played on, Tanuj and I showed no signs of improving 
And I could tell the girls around us were repulsed and not impressed   

So the skinny tallish hindu and his pal the short bald jew 
Left the dance floor as the song was ending 
The lesson that I learned was that no matter what you do 
You won’t get laid until you stop pretending 

Line Dancing at the Dallas Bull 
Two geeks dressed up like cowboys like two wolves dressed in sheep’s wool 
We were terrible at dancing, not a pleasant visual 
Line Dancing at the Dallas Bull

Line Dancing At the Dallas Bull

Well there’s old Johnny Johnson in Europe 
And in combat regalia he’s decked 
With all the vigor that a young man could stir up 
And all the recklessness one might expect 

From a bucking young Lieutenant Colonel 
On his virgin adventure abroad 
With the faith that his youth was eternal 
And his destiny guarded by God 

Just the way that the uniform fit him 
Was like some kind of magical shield 
No enemy would hit him 
And he’d die upon no battlefield 

Yeah, there’s old Johnny Johnson in Europe 
Defending us from the Third Reich 
But these old photographs tend to blur up 
And the image becomes shadow-like 

Like a balding man’s hairline 
Like a tidal wave swelling 
Like a hurricane’s ravenous blow 
Everything reaches its level of greatness 
And back it must, back it must go 

In a box of momentos I’m given 
Underneath where the silverfish thrive 
In the trunk of a car scarcely driven 
Which was parked on a pea-gravel drive 

Right alongside a most modest dwelling 
That was even more modest inside 
That his children intended on selling 
Now that their father had died 

In a city on bankruptcy’s border 
Whose residents relish the time 
When coffee was only a quarter 
And cigarettes cost but a dime 

There’s a picture of a man badly needed 
For his country, gun fearlessly carried 
But then old Johnny Johnson receded 
Just like the town where is body is buried. 

Like a balding man’s hairline 
Like a tidal wave swelling 
Like a hurricane’s ravenous blow 
Everything reaches its level of greatness 
And back it must, back it must go

Like A Balding Man's Hairline

i’ve been seeing  a therapist for several years 
And my mother is a topic of every session 
It saddens me greatly, nearly brings me to tears 
To think of her of growing up in the depression 

I didn’t want to discuss her,  but the therapists make you 
And after talking about it, I’m glad that I did it 
I had what my therapist might call a break through 
I don’t understand my mom yet but I’m starting to get it 

I understand now she sacrificed dearly 
I understand what she sacrificed for us 
But I will never understand it all clearly 
Until I start understanding Dolores. 

Her father, my grandfather was short bald and stout 
Hardheaded, inflexible, a typical German 
They made do with what they had or they just did without 
This made my mom who she is as best as I can determine

She was smart but her parents would never consider 
College, they only saved enough to get both their boys in 
And this made my mother sad and understandably bitter 
And that bitterness ran through her veins like a poison 

I understand now she sacrificed dearly 
I understand what she sacrificed for us 
But I will never understand it all clearly 
Until I start understanding Dolores

My mother was attractive, vivacious yet careworn 
And since she couldn’t go to college, she agreed to be married
To My father who was serving in the 82nd airborne
And over the years, four boys she dutifully carried 

after 20 years of marriage, my father’s cheating was revealed
And a bitter separation and divorce did surely follow 
This betrayal left a wound that would never be healed 
Yet another bitter pill for poor Dolores to swallow 

I understand now she sacrificed dearly 
I understand what she sacrificed for us 
But I will never understand it all clearly 
Until I start understanding Dolores

My little brother was a troubled boy who grew up with no father
And with each petty crime, my mom grew more and more detached 
Until it seemed to be that parenting was simply a bother 
And off to live with his dead beat dad, my brother was dispatched. 

In my father’s care, my brother died when his vehicle smashed
A disabled car on the shoulder that he barreled right into 
They were drinking to celebrate his 16th birthday when they crashed
Yet another rotten apple Dolores had to bite into 

I understand now she sacrificed dearly 
I understand what she sacrificed for us 
But I will never understand it all clearly 
Until I start understanding Dolores

Dolores was befriended by a dental hygienist 
Who had lesbian encounters or at least that was the rumor 
This relationship repelled and drove obstacles between us 
She was an irritating woman with a unpleasant humor

But my mother was lonesome and this hygienist hated men 
And around that hatred they did form a sisterly bond 
I often heard my mother say if she could do it all again 
She’d do everything differently if she could wave a magic wand 

I understand now she sacrificed dearly 
I understand what she sacrificed for us 
But I will never understand it all clearly 
Until I start understanding Dolores

My therapist then motioned to the watch on his wrist 
Clearly indicating to me that my time had subsided
And I waved and left his office for the front receptionist 
To confirm my next appointment and pay for services provided 

Good plumbers are illusive but decent therapists are rarest 
And you pay for their services one way or the other 
But I have to admit to feeling terribly embarrassed 
I have to pay a PHD to understand my own mother 

I understand now she sacrificed dearly 
I understand what she sacrificed for us 
But I will never understand it all clearly 
Until I start understanding Dolores

Understanding Dolores

I dropped all my courses in college, I just couldn’t stand them 
But I managed to recover all the money I wasted on text 
I flipped through an atlas and picked out a city at random 
And left no one a means of predicting where I would go next 

But Abilene, Kansas is no where for your fan belt to wear out 
My car overheated and the engine block cracked like an egg 
And if you’re angry enough that you’d contemplate pulling your hair out 
You must humble yourself in the presence of Kansas and beg: 

“Is there anyone that knows 
Who it is and where it goes?  
These are questions I am anxious 
To have answered, I suppose 

When the shiny coins of time are spent 
Who it was and where it went. 

I abandoned that heap on the side of the highway and thumbed it 
And I rode with a wheat farmer’s dog in the back of his truck 
The dog said something rather profound which effectively summed it 
Yeah, she barked out the words, she said “there’s just no accounting for luck” 
 They teach you in college that a dog’s throat is unfit for speaking 
Had she spoken again it would have taken that theory to task 
And I was convinced what I’d heard was just metal parts squeaking 
But in the unlikely event, I was wrong I decided to ask:   

“Is there anyone that knows 
Who it is and where it goes?  
These are questions I am anxious 
To have answered, I suppose 

When the shiny coins of time are spent 
Who it was and where it went. 

Well, I was so scared she’d answer, I’d have jumped had I seen my own shadow 
The truck rolled to a stop and I patted her belly relieved 
The farmer pointed and said, “if you spit hard you’ll hit Colorado” 
And my numerous handshakes and thank yous were warmly received 

And it was good to shake hands, I felt my faith in mankind reappearing 
Despite all my problems which after all, couldn’t be helped 
And as the truck rolled away, I was grateful for what I was hearing 
The dog humbled herself in the presence of Kansas and yelped: 

“Is there anyone that knows 
Who he is and where he goes?  
These are questions he is anxious 
To have answered, we suppose 

When the shiny coins of time are spent 
Who he was and where he went 
We wonder, who he was and where he went.

The College Drop Out Traveling Guide

My first marriage ended so quickly, it’s still hard to believe 
What happened that made this once promising marriage so very soon done?  
Its true we were both very young and of course so naive
But INCREDIBLY a Peeping Tom led to the end of our blessed union 

One night we had finished engaging in kinky romancing 
We were 19 years old and we both might have had just a slight buzz 
As we lay in bed resting I noticed a flash light beam dancing 
And I crept to the window to see what the source of the light was 

Oh, Peeping Tom 
Caused my first Marriage to bomb 
Out of sight ducking 
He watched us both fucking 
We were watched by a peeping Tom

I chased him off, man was I angry, more than that I was frightened 
I insisted we cover that window and my young wife complied 
My fight or flight nervous responses engaged and were heightened 
We fell back asleep with my baseball bat right by my side 

From that evening forward I couldn’t sleep uninterrupted 
I’d hear noises and spring from the bed with my bat in hand ready 
Our sexual congresses ceased or were quickly disrupted 
And our fledgling young marriage in trouble due to something so petty 

Oh, Peeping Tom 
Caused my first Marriage to bomb 
He lived in my head rent free
Was the devil that sent thee 
We were watched by a peeping Tom

Sometimes my own wife, knowing full well my state of hysteria 
With her fingers would tap on the wall, was the peeper back peeping?  
And I’d spring from the bed bat in hand scoping out the whole area 
And then I’d hear her laugh loudly at her young husband crazed from not sleeping 

Our marriage was in trouble as for months was I this way behaving 
I just couldn’t help it, obsessed by this peeping tom stalker 
The white flag of surrender my wife was reluctantly waving 
And her parents to came to free her from her husband who was now off his rocker 

Oh, Peeping Tom 
Caused my first Marriage to bomb 
They feared for their daughter 
So her parents came and got her
All because of peeping Tom

We Were Watched By A Peeping Tom

Once A homeless man approached my mum and I and we were wary 
He was begging us for spare change, mom said, “we’ve no change to spare” 
As we quickly walked away I told my mum “that man was scary” 
And she said, “close your eyes and its not there” 

I was lying in my bedroom in the dark and heard beneath me 
A growling like a monster and I screamed to make my mother aware 
She turned the bedroom light on and this wisdom did bequeath me 
She said, “close your eyes and its not there” 

These childhood remembrances are truly habit forming 
Through the years friends thought me callous or too self absorbed to care 
Be it starving kids in Africa or rampant global warming 
I just close my eyes, and its not there 

Light enters through the eyeball in the pupil and the IRIS 
and passes through the retina to the optical nerve and the brain 
What we DO see can amaze us or repel us or inspire us 
AND what we DON’T see cannot ever bring us pain 

My mother’s sage advise has served me well until the present 
Its kept me moving forward free from worry or despair 
Anytime I’m faced with something ugly or unpleasant 
I just close my eyes and its not there 

But suddenly I’m stricken with self doubt like lightning flashes 
Maybe Keeping my eyes closed was just a form of self-impair 
I’m staring at a little box that holds my mother’s ashes 
And I close my eyes but its still there 
Yes I close my eyes but its still there

Just Close Your Eyes And It's Not There

Wave Goodbye to Dean

A skillet of sautéing mushrooms through the kitchen was wildly flung 
Barely missing her head, hit the wall and then all around splashed 
Her mother let loose of her temper because her daughter was simply too young 
To be pregnant at 17, all her hopes and dreams dashed  

She knew she would get this reaction she tried to hide it as long as she could 
She wore baggy t shirts that would cover her burgeoning waist 

Her mother was seething with anger, her father stayed as a calm as he could 
But neither would help her with the life changing crisis she faced. 

She sat her parents down and she told them: “there is only 1 viable option
Since ’m no longer dating the daddy, he has moved out of state 
On my own, I’ve made all the arrangements to put my child up for adoption
But she didn’t count on the child’s young father stepping up to the plate 

He said, “I won’t sign those papers, I will raise my own child” a declaration which was both sweet and bitter   
She delivered her daughter and in a matter of days they were leaving 

She remembers the day they came to take her away, and the reality finally hit her 
She put her head in her hands and she fervently sobbed shoulders heaving 

But now a former teen mom just got her masters degree 
For a long time no one took her very seriously
But now she occupies the C suite in a small but growing company 
A former teen mom just got her Masters Degree 

She got her high school diploma and got back together with the daddy of her newborn child 
She’d do whatever it took to be a part of her baby girl’s life 
But her love for her daughter and her desire for more could not ever be reconciled 
She had big dreams of college and couldn’t settle for just being a wife  

In the spirit of giving it the old college try, she had yet another beautiful daughter 
But she knew that the window was closing on getting away 

After church service ended one Sunday, in a car that her father had bought her 
With her girls, she left Marshaltown Iowa for Texas that day. 

But now a former teen mom just got her masters degree 
For a long time no one took her very seriously
She’s got a seat at the executive table for a small but growing company
A former teen mom just got her Masters Degree 

After the dramas had settled and the custody battles were won 
She worked full time when she could and she went part time to college at night 
She escaped from a midwestern prison but her journey had only begun. 
xxAnd there were many times she didn’t feel like she had the right dog in the fight 
She’d become so discouraged, she’d lose the desire to fight. 

So many times she had surrendered, so many times she was lost and bereaved 
And so many myriad obstacles she overcame 

Between pictures of her daughters and grandson, is a testament to what she achieved 
And it hangs on her wall in an elegant black wooden frame 

But now a former teen mom just got her masters degree 
For a long time no one took her very seriously
But now she’s got a fancy diploma from a good university 
A former teen mom just got her Masters Degree

A Former Teen Mom Just Got Her Master's Degree

Five different generations spent the holidays together 
And in time the conversations moved beyond the local weather 
Which in turn led to an argument more vicious than the usual fuss 

There are conversation topics it be better that you didn’t discuss 

I remember how it started, grandpa made the proud endorsement 
That in his day nearly everyone respected law enforcement 
And his grand niece said “I disagree, I think we should defund the police”. 

There are conversation topics you should run from if you want to keep the peace 

This made grandpa very angry, he thought of young folks as his pupils 
He questioned her intelligence and and ridiculed her scruples 
And she fired back “the cops killed Micheal Brown and then they murdered poor George Floyd” 

There are conversation topics you should do your very best to avoid 

As the conversations heated and the temperatures were warming 
It was clear that generational alliances were forming 
With the elders on the one side and the younger on the other side aligned 

On certain conversation topics, its better that you never had opined 

The arguments got mixed like they were shoved inside a blender 
From gun rights to abortion to the rights of the transgender 
And the volumes of the normal tones of voices had been turned up to a shout

There are conversation topics that you’d better keep your mouth shut up about 

As the arguments continued in almost each and every case 
No matter how it might have started the topic always turned to race 
And grandpa and his grand niece had the following unpleasant tit for tat 

There are conversation topics you should run from like a mouse runs from a cat 

She said, “White people are oppressors they built each racist institution”
And grandpa cried “they also wrote the us constitution”
She said “the constitution’s just a pack of lies, Thomas Jefferson had slaves” 

Certain conversation topics have the founding fathers spinning in their graves

She said “Whites have benefited from the systems that they built 
And they should recognize their privilege and accept collective guilt”
And grandpa cried “if you believe that then the dream of  Martin Luther king is dead.” 

There are conversation topics that will make you say things better left unsaid. 

And now the poison from the younger folks poured out this verbal spigot 
And insults hurled like “nazi, racist, homophobe, and bigot” 
Blood relatives engaged in acts of verbal retribution, sharp and brisk 

Yeah there are conversation topics for which the benefits don’t justify the risk

The greatest generation and the boomers were both pitted 
Against Millenials and Gen Z, in mortal combat both committed 
Generation X was in the middle trying hard to be the referee 

Yeah there are conversation topics that might be tear apart your whole damn family 

And then the elders all announced   “we’ve had enough of this we’re leaving” 
And connections that took years to form all at once were cleaving 
No apologies would matter now, those insults formed a permanent wedge 

There are conversation topics that send level headed people off the ledge

Conversation Topics You May Wish To Avoid

I had just enough money for one tank of gas and no more 
I was closing in quickly on Chattanooga Tennessee sorta 
I could head my car north to my momma’s house up in the heart of Illinois for sure 
or I could keep heading south to my daddy’s house deep down in Flor’da   

I decided that south onto Florida I should keep going 
But my alternator quit on me ten miles south of Atlanta 
I stopped at a gas station, begged them to let me keep my car in the back without towing 
They charged me six cents a day, nothing’s free and ya know there’s no Santa 

I was a wayward man-child, nearly twenty three years old
A drunken mess full of self loathing and loads of regret 
Driving ‘cross country from Denver to Tampa , more stupid than I was bold 
In an eight hundred dollar piece of shit Chevy Chevette 

I used the gas station pay phone to let my dad know I was coming 
But My arrival in Florida might be a few days delayed 
I assured my old man I had it under control, I’d abandon the car start thumbing 
The extent of his son’s stupidity had him dismayed 

He said “I’ll fly to Atlanta and pay for the new alternator 
I can get there tomorrow so till then you’ll just have to hang tight 
I was relieved and I knew I deserved the admonishments I would get later 
And I slept in the car holding a ball bat all night 

By the time my dad was 23 he was an army vet, married with kids 
His son at the same age as low as one person could get
No money or credit cards, totally broke, the last step before hitting the skids
In an eight hundred dollar piece of shit Chevy Chevette

I heard a tap on the drivers side window and I raised up my ball bat 
I rolled down the window and it was my father I spoke to 
He paid to repair the alternator and we drove back to Tampa after all that 
I neglected to mention that the air conditioner was broke too 

I expected my dad would be furious and give me an earful 
But He didn’t breath an unkind word, he didn’t mention the money 
he’d just had a heart attack so driving in a car with no air made us both a bit fearful 
But years later looked back on the whole thing and thought it was funny 

We drove from Atlanta to Tampa, windows down in the mid summer heat 
It’s a trip that I’ll always remember, I’ll never forget 
A father and son telling stories and laughing, snatching victory from the jaws of defeat
In an eight hundred dollar piece of shit Chevy Chevette

My $800 Piece Of Shit Chevy Chevette

It’s not safe anymore in Safety Harbor 
You would be justified in feeling ill at ease 
Just ask the people who inhabit Safety Harbor 
And you won’t find anyone who agrees 

You must be cautious when you visit Safety Harbor 
You must fish or swim the waters after dark 
Cause there’s a young lad laid to rest in Safety Harbor 
Who keeps his soul inside the body of a shark

Which is not all unusual, no not the least bit strange 
When you die your soul’s container has to change 
And you must find one which accommodates your homeless spirit best 
That’s why a shark now swims the water where this young lad’s laid to rest 

And now the tourists won’t return to Safety Harbor 
And this impedes the path to economic growth 
And you can’t earn a decent wage in Safety Harbor 
And so the shark must go or else the boy
Or both 

Behind closed doors in downtown Safety Harbor 
The city council voted to destroy 
The shark, thereby reviving Safety Harbor 
And it would be easier than digging up the boy 

They gathered up the big harpoons and all the swiftest craft 
They held their heads in arrogance and laughed 
They went to church and prayed that God might let that shark be shot 
They tracked it down relentlessly and killed it on the spot 

I just vandalized a church in Safety Harbor 
Yes, I emptied out my bladder in the pew 
And to commemorate my stay in Safety Harbor 
I drove downtown and bought myself a shark tattoo

It's Not Safe Anymore In Safety Harbor

As It Was So It Ever Shall Be

She was on the high school cheerleading squad 
I was a high school stoner 
She is a social butterfly 
And I’m just a bit of a loner 

She can talk her way out of a traffic citation 
And I’m who judge throws the book at
She possesses a genuine beauty and 
I’ve never been much to look at. 

She loves to dress up for formal occasions 
And I don’t even like to wear pants 
I have perverted sexual appetites 
She’s a big fan of romance. 

I’m just being honest, I hope you’ll forgive me, 
I have no intent to disparage 
She was out of my league and we wouldn’t have dated 
But she had kids from a previous marriage 

And that opened the door for me: 15 years older
Two marriages, each a divorce. 
Some friends of ours scheduled drinks after work 
With a large group of others, of course

We worked at the same place, downtown Dallas Texas,
In a skyscraper, 21st floor 
I was an well paid computer programmer 
She a single mom searching for more

And she hated me after this debut encounter, 
‘Cause I was arrogant, rude and profane 
See, I was nervous about it and in preparation,
I did several lines of cocaine 

But I worked my way slowly back in her good graces, 
I wined her and dined her and wooed her 
And convinced her that I could provide a good life 
On the back of my trusty computer 

We were an unlikely pairing 
She’s gracious, and kind I’m drunk and obnoxious and I’ve got a bad habit of swearing

We were an unlikely pairing
I’m a creature of habit, I don’t stray far from home yet she is tenacious and daring

Separately we are as different as water and air 
But together we are an unlikely pair 

And now twenty years later we’re happily married 
But boy I could tell you some tales 
My computer career has come to an end 
But she’s making a killing in sales 

She wants to pursue her advancing career 
In the city and thus the plot thickens
Cause I’m ready to retire on a couple of acres 
In the country with piggies and chickens.

When we got married she was practically jailbait 
Just old enough to buy liquor 
Which explains why we’re Currently locked in a stalemate  
But she will emerge as the victor 

Growing old’s not a joke, what if I have a stroke?  
I’ll need compassion and caring 
And besides I really love her so I’m hers till I croak 
And we sever this unlikely pairing 

We were an unlikely pairing 
Like mustard and strawberry short cake or root beer and red pickled herring 

We were an unlikely pairing
Its shocking we seem to be faring as well as we seem to be faring 

Separately we are as different as water and air 
But together we are an unlikely pair

We Were An Unlikely Pairing

My camera was rolling 
Recording the trade 
Of powder for pesos 
The Mexicans made 

It was strapped to my side 
And securely concealed 
From ten sets of eyeballs 
In a cocoa bean field 

See, I suckered them into 
Accepting my front 
As a two bit reporter 
On a fact finding hunt 

When they asked what was strapped to my side, I said “Nada” 
For fear of receiving the whole enchilada 

My hands and my feet 
Had been fastened together 
I was sweating profusely 
Because of the weather 

I got none of the food 
Or the water I needed 
My colon had packed up 
Its shit and retreated 

They were holding me hostage 
Until they were sure 
That my motives for having 
A camera were pure 

Which they weren’t meaning I would be Carne Asada 
I unwittingly purchased the whole enchilada 

He mumbles in Spanish 
He points and he chuckles 
He lunges and contacts 
My face with his knuckles 

And I attempted to bargain 
With a muchacho’s grammar 
“Free me and no one 
Will rot in the slammer” 

But he ignored my proposal 
Like I’d made it in fun 
And he banged my cabeza 
With the butt of his gun 

A Grand Canyon snooze or a sundown sonata 
Yours when you purchase the whole enchilada   

I dreamt I was skiing 
On a blanket of snow 
I was nervous and armed to the teeth 

A dead human being 
Popped up from below 
And said “there’s room for one more underneath”.

I Purchased The Whole Enchilada

It was 3 in the morning and I texted her “HEY” 
And she texted back “Hi, How Are You” right away 
And I texted back “Fine.  I just got home from drinking” 
And she texted “Me too”, her emoji was winking

And I texted back “Miss you” and my emoji was sobbing 
And she texted “Come over?”  with a question mark throbbing 
And I texted back “leaving” with a cartoon man racing 
And she texted back “waiting” with two emojis embracing 

And now I’m driving and texted her a cartoon car cruising 
And she texted back “sleepy “and her emoji was snoozing 
And I texted back a wth - what the hell?  
And she texted ijk, smh, lol! 

I texted her my ETA the time I’m arriving 
Of course, it’s highly illegal  to be texting while driving 
She texted back a picture with her bouncy breasts unhoused 
And I texted back an eggplant meaning “I am aroused” 

And then she texted back a photo of her roommate quite beguiling 
And she texted an emoji of a purple devil smiling 
And then she texted if you hurry maybe 2 could be a 3!  
And I texted back a YOLO and a red OMG!  

And now I’m driving even faster and continuing to text 
You will ROFL when I tell you folks what happened next 
A cop was now behind me his lights flashing red and blue 
And I texted “got pulled over”, she texted back “STFU!”  

He said, license, registration saw you texting, you were speeding 
I said, sorry sir please write the ticket quickly I was pleading 
He said son, if you’ve been drinking you’re about to lose your freedom 
I said sorry sir but TBH I’m heading to a threesome.  

He said step out from the car please and I knew wouldn’t go free
So before I did I texted her a crying face emoji 
And I texted her it looks like I’ll be sleeping in a cell 
She texted back a sad emoji and ttyl .

Text Me

There’s a chicken wing restaurant near where I live that on Saturdays I often go to 

After cutting the grass and 
Wacking the weeds
Any  trimming any bushes unruly 

After several months if you sit in the same place the waitresses all get to know you 

And I always sit down 
in young Deborah’s section, 
she’s got a crush on yours truly

She really enjoys all the stories I tell and she laughs at my hilarious jokes 

She always makes sure I have plenty of ketchup, she doesn’t do that for the rest of these folks

Men, don’t fall in love with your waitress 
Being nice to you is part of her job 
Sure, she laughs at your jokes but she laughs at the jokes 
Of every Tom, Dick and Harry or Bob

One Saturday I’m sitting in my usual spot, but Debbie didn’t show for her shift 

And I’m thinking My god, 
what on earth could be wrong 
If I had her address then I could save her

And so I lied and told her manager that Debbie had called me and asked if I could give her a lift 

 He gave me her address 
On a cocktail napkin
And I thanked the man for doing me this favor! 

And I imagined when she saw me I would be her handsome hero and she’d plant on me a passionate kiss 

She’d say “leave your stupid, fat cow wife, she doesn’t love you, marry me instead and we’ll have marital bliss” 

Men, don’t fall in love with the waitress 
You’re not her white knight on a giant white galloping steed 
You’re just another guy who got the cheeseburger combo 
And an appetizer he didn’t need

So I drove up to her trailer and knocked softly on her screen 
And this 6 foot four gorilla came to greet me. 
He had perhaps the largest biceps I had ever seen 
And his fists were more than big enough to beat me. 

I said, “ I was sent to check on Debbie, make sure she’s okay 
Debbie then appeared engulfed in sadness 
She said, “wait a second, I know you, you’re there each Saturday. 
Why the hell did they give you my address?   

I said, “listen, I just wanted to make sure you were alright 
We’ve become so close I care about you deeply 
She said, “I just serve you chicken wings, what gives you the right! 
Get the hell off of my porch, you’re fucking creepy!  

So I got back in my car and I drove quickly away, for a moment there I feared for my life 

I knew that I had overstepped 
Her personal boundary 
And I could never sit again in Debbies section 

I thought from now on that after finishing the lawn, I should have a couple beers with my wife. 

We’re old and fat with two grown kids 
But just like Darwin said 
You have to trust in natural selection 

Men, don’t fall in love with your waitress 
On your personal reality try to keep a  very firm grip 
You’ve got a mortgage, a fat wife and four kids who need you 
So pay the check and leave a generous tip

Don't Fall In Love With The Waitress

Now let me first just warn you, 
my description is quite graphic
truck flipped over and caught on fire, 
human limbs strewn all about 
Cars on the highway backed up with a traffic jam growing

Cops had hurried to this crime scene
and were each re-routing traffic 
As they did so, yes I heard them 
each did with authority shout 
“There’s nothing to see here folks, everyone just needs to keep going” 

As I drove slowly past it 
From underneath the wreckage 
The bloody face of the truck driver pokes 

But there’s nothing to see here 
There’s nothing to see here, folks  

============================
A billionaire imprisoned 
For a heinous crime committed 
This man very well connected
Was involved with girls too young
He owned his own island where these underage girls and his powerful friends got entangled 

But two cameras had malfunctioned 
two Guards fell asleep admitted 
And with cameras off and guards asleep 
Himself by the neck he hung 
The coroner told us “there’s nothing to see here folks, just the unfortunate case of a billionaire strangled” 

Sure, two cameras can malfunction 
While two prison guards are sleeping 
And a well connected billionaire croaks 

Hey there’s nothing to see here 
There’s nothing to see here, folks  

============================
An old man leads a nation 
With more armaments than any 
But he clearly has dimensia 
And is frail and senile 
And He’s embroiled in scandals aligned to his son who for years was addicted to crack 

Any rational observer 
Can see the signs and there are many 
His speech is slurred, his gait has stiffened 
He’s found unfit to even stand trial

But our journalists tell us “there’s nothing to see here folks, he’s a spry as a goat and as sharp as a tack!” 

And our enemies are laughing 
At the leader of the free world 
He’s the Butt of their humiliating jokes 

Hey there’s nothing to see here 
There’s nothing to see here, folks  
============================

There’s nothing to see here 
Hey look over there folks!  
Your favorite movie stars on the red carpet in elegant gowns and tuxedos!  

There’s nothing to see here 
Hey look over here folks!  
The super bowl halftime show partially sponsored by Pfizer vaccines and Doritos!  

There’s nothing to see here 
Don’t look over there folks!  
Those are conspiracy theories and hate speech and Russian backed disinformation 

There’s nothing to see here 
I warned you don’t look at that folks!  
Watch our corporate media please for the good of our nation!  

We told you not to look at that folks 
We warned you not to look at that folks 
You need to stop looking there folks
We didn’t want to do this folks 
=============================

A deadly Chinese virus 
Had across the globe been rifled
And with taxpayer money Big Pharma created 
Multiple millions of shots

And millions of people were forced to accept the injection, it was not for these people elective. 

All detractors had been silenced 
All other remedies were stifled 
But side effects were mounting 
Mostly heart attacks and clots 


But our scientists claimed “there’s nothing to see here folks! these vaccines are both safe and effective!”





We’re to act as if its normal 
For Twenty something athletes to suffer 
Massive Heart attacks and strokes 

But there’s nothing to see here 
There’s nothing to see here, folks

There's Nothing To See Here, Folks

He Went By The Nickname of Buddy

She was on the top thrusting 
And then she stood up and hovered 
Like a water pipe busting
My chest and stomach were covered 

I cried “stop, you’re abusing me” 
She said, “don’t talk you’ll spoil it” 
It was clear she was using me
As her personal toilet  

I thought perhaps she’s incontinent 
Or has some bladder condition 
Our sheets were soaked and yet on it went 
Me on my back in submission

I think for sure that she enjoyed 
Being on top and in power. 
And I’ll admit I was annoyed 
By this sudden golden shower

She 
Liked to pee 
On me 

A fetish that no decent man engages in or otherwise supports 

I 
Don’t know why
I’d comply 

I discovered this perversion has a common name:  they call it “watersports”.  

By Watersports we mean time spent 
Swimming or diving or surfing or skiing 
But I found out that it also meant 
A sexual act which might include peeing 

She’d say “put your raincoat on my love
“the forecast calls for sprinkles” 
Then she’d force me down and from above 
Stood over me and tinkles 

She 
Liked to pee 
On me 

A fetish that no decent man engages in or otherwise supports 

I 
Don’t know why
I’d comply 

I discovered this perversion has a common name:  they call it “watersports”.  

Now I understand that some of you may think this is immoral and a gross abomination 
But have empathy dear friends, for she was way out of my league, and she resembled actress Andie MacDowell 
So the trade off that I made was I could be with her if I would just endure her urination 
And life is just a series of these trade offs after all, Hey  good buddy could you hand me a towel?  

My last night with Andie McDonnell
Is Deep in my memory driven
Even the most beautiful gal 
For this can’t be forgiven

We were in the bed it’s “raining” 
And ’m laying there closing my eyes
She was pushing too hard and with all of the straining 
she made us a chocolate surprise!

She 
Liked to pee 
On me 

A fetish that no decent man engages in or otherwise supports 

I 
Don’t know why
I’d comply 

I discovered this perversion has a common name:  they call it “watersports”.

They Call It "Watersports"

Once I’d fallen through the ice of a frozen lake 
And I was bitten on the ankle by a poisonous snake 
So I figured I was pretty much over the hump 
That is until the day that I discovered the lump. 

I was washin’ in the shower all the usual bits 
And I felt it round and fleshy in my underarm pits 
Undetected in my arm pit it had grown up big and plump 
Yes, that’s the fateful day that I discovered the lump 

One time I was shot at by my girlfriend’s dad 
He chased me with a shotgun, I had made him very mad 
He was aiming at my head but missed and hit me in the rump 
But that was long before I had discovered the lump 

And one time I was sad because my best friend died 
I was quite distraught and contemplating suicide 
I was standing on a building’s ledge intending for to jump 
But that was years before I had discovered the lump 

In the shower, With my fingers I could squeeze it like a ball 
I thought this is it, this is what will kill me after all? 
If you run your finger down my arm you hit it this fleshy bump 
Yes, that’s the fateful day that I discovered the lump 

And one time I ate seafood that apparently had spoiled 
I spent two days on my carpet like a human fetus coiled 
The doctors had to save me, my poor stomach they did pump 
But that was years before I had discovered the lump

And once time we were camping and confronted by a bear 
I fought it like a wild man had fistfuls of its hair 
But My right leg had been chewed off and was left a bloody stump 
But that was years before I had discovered the lump

So I got out of the shower and I’m drying with a towel 
And my mood had darkened greatly, it was downright dark and foul 
Before I had been happy and was now a bitter grump 
For that’s the fateful day that I discovered the lump

And one time in the Army we were in a fire fight 
We were pinned down by machine guns they shot everything in sight  
I was hit by flying schrapnel and could feel my body slump  
But that was years before I had discovered the lump

And one time I was in a high speed chase with local cops
This car got right in front of me and out of nowhere stops 
Our cars had both been totaled and they wound up in the dump 
But that was years before I had discovered the lump

I finished toweling off and now I’m looking in the mirror  
I’ll tell you why I’m angry if its not already clear 
Of all the ways I could have died, I end dying like a chump. 
Yes, that’s the dreadful day that I discovered the lump.

The Lump

From busboy to manager, my career she did rise 
I work a-long hours until the job she is done 
And I was a really a-good at making a-hot pizza pies 
And the boss he treat me like his very own son 

After work, one busy night, I made mistake very dumb 
With the waitresses, I drank ze wine and ze beer 
And we drank until the next morning sunrise she come 
And the boss man yell “what are you all doing here!” 
 
He said you no a-manager, you go back to table bussing 
I begged him please a don’t do this, I make just one little error 
But he no listen, he just a-yelling and a-cussing 
And I no like it, I think he treat-a me unfair  

I didn’t rob that pizzeria 
I didn’t do it, no, it wasn’t me-a. 

I confess that I had the idea 
I had a motive and the manager’s key-a 

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s flapping my gums
I had ze verbal diarrhea 

I might be going to hell when back our good savior comes 
But I didn’t rob that pizzeria 

He make me mad, the boss, he such a big phony 
He cut my pay and no more benefits medical 
So while some cooks and I were spreading pepperoni 
We talked about robbing the place, but only hypothetical 

But someone overheard and I thought we not joking 
They phoned the cops and told the boss what was said 
The boss man caught me how you say with gun smoking 
He yelled “You fired! And now to me you are dead!”  

The next night, I think the devil must have possess me 
I remembered I had the manager’s key 
From head to toe in black the devil did dress me 
And I returned to commit robbery 

I didn’t rob that pizzeria 
I didn’t do it, no, it wasn’t me-a. 

I confess that I had the idea 
I had a motive and the manager’s key-a 

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s flapping my gums
I had ze verbal diarrhea 

I might be going to hell when back our good savior comes 
But I didn’t rob that pizzeria 

I crept to the back door and tried to slide in me key 
But I was fortunate and much to my shock 
I tried to turn it, back and forth I went vigorously 
But The boss was smart, he had changed out the lock 

I tried to rob the place but ze fortune had smiled 
Thank god that key didn’t fit and I failed 
And in the end when pros and cons have been both been reconciled
If that key had fit, I’d have been caught and jailed 

A few weeks later, the place was robbed by someone else with a key 
It was my replacement as he would later admit   
Of course I was a suspect in this bold robbery 
But if the key don’t fit, then a-you must acquit!”  

I didn’t rob that pizzeria 
I didn’t do it, no, it wasn’t me-a. 

I confess that I had the idea 
I had a motive and the manager’s key-a 

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s flapping my gums
I had ze verbal diarrhea 

I might be going to hell when back our good savior comes 
But I didn’t rob that pizzeria

If It Doesn't Fit, You Must Acquit!

Driving my car on an interstate highway approaching a truck on the right 
I blinkered to change from the right to left lanes and go faster, I stepped on the gas 
I quickly encountered a car in the left lane at almost my speed but not quite 
He’d broken the cardinal rule of the highway:  the left lane is only to pass.   
The left lane is only to pass. 

So I tapped on my horn as a gentle reminder that I was behind him in waiting 
But he kept to the same speed and didn’t appear to have any intent to change lanes 
And this gross violation of interstate etiquette I must confess I found grating 
So I sped up and practically kissed his back bumper, “he’ll get over if he’s got any brains!”

Left Lane 
Get out of the 
Left Lane 
Get out of the 
Left Lane 

He wouldn’t get over, he stayed in the left lane for what I assumed must be spite 
How could I’ve known that I’d chosen exactly the wrong car to this way harass?   
I thought, “as much as it pains me to do it, I’ll pass this intractable fool on the right
I was breaking the cardinal rule of the highway:  the left lane is only to pass
The Left Lane is only to pass. 

So I blinkered and moved to the right for to pass him and sped up to put him behind me 
But he sped up to match me and wouldn’t allow me to pass, we were now side by side 
I opened my window to see the man driving the car which had this way confined me 
And I nearly slammed into the back of another slow truck on the right, crashed and died! 

Left Lane 
Get out of the 
Left Lane 
Get out of the 
Left Lane

The Left Lane Is Only For Passing!

A Man Who Hated Women

After The Power Goes Out

I came home for a business trip, my bags in the house just carried. 
My wife met me in the living room with just a nightie on 
She said “the good news I love you and would like us to stay married” 
That’s good news …..

The bad news is I had a one night stand while you were gone. 
That’s bad news….
===================
I stood there with my jaw agape, she’d shocked me into silence 
I should have read the tea leaves, should have seen the signs of course
I said, “the good news is I’m angry but I won’t resort to violence 
That’s good news …..

The bad news is tomorrow I’ll be filing for divorce.
That’s bad news….
==============
I left to find a hotel room consumed with indignation 
And I’m at the front desk of a hotel close by, down the street 
He said, The good news is we have a room without a reservation 
That’s good news …..

The bad news is its what we call our honeymooner suite
That’s bad news….
================
So I’m sitting at the hotel bar still numb and somewhat shocked 
And I’m telling the bartender of the burdens that I carry 
He said, the good news we’ve got it all, the bar is quite well stocked 
That’s good news …..

The bad news is the joy it brings is only temporary 
That’s bad news….
================
And few stools down this gorgeous woman carefully inspects me
And she got up from her stool and took the stool that’s on my right
She said, “the good news is I’m single and I find you very sexy
That’s good news …..

The bad news is a charge a hefty fee to spend the night 
That’s bad news….
===============
So I bought us many rounds of drinks, we partied to the hilt 
She brightened up my mood her disposition was so sunny 
The good news is my wife just cheated so I felt no pangs of guilt
That’s good news 

The bad news is I would have to pay this girl a lot of money 
That’s bad news….
=================
The honeymooner suite decor had a tackiness of fashion 
With a Heart shaped bed and pillows and a bottle of free bubbly 

The good news is we kissed with our tongues in a fervent heat of passion 
That’s good news

The bad news is the more we kissed the more her face felt stubbly 
That’s bad news….
===================
So I asked “are you a woman? Your face is rough like you have stubble” 
She dropped her pants and at the same time dropped a big bombshell 

The good news is I stayed quite calm, uninterested in trouble 
That’s good news

The bad news is I was drunk and horny and I figured - what the hell?
That’s bad news….
===================
I went back home the next day and confessed my indiscretion 
And after the therapy, keeping our marriage together is what my wife wants

The good news is our marriage has been great since my confession 
That’s good news

The bad news my butt’s been very sore for many months 
The bad news is ,,,,,,

===================

I've Got Good News And Bad News

I write story songs.   Many of the stories are true.

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Topics:   Sexual fetishes, reincarnation, sleep apnea, women who don't shave, the story of January 6th 2021, COVID, drug use, pizza place robbery, weddings, divorces and funerals, cannibalism, the story of Joe Biden, transgenderism and pronouns, erectile dysfunction, the World Economic Forum, the story of the USS Indianapolis, time machines, accidents with laxatives, school yard fights, proctologists, teen moms, scientific studies, genital warts, generational divides, national divorce, peeping toms, abortion, petty theft, DIY screws and mental health, suicide etc.

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