Pithy Social Commentary

TurtleFrogMan

Studies Show

My wife and I know women who complain their husbands try to control them
We listen sympathetically and do our very best to console them 

What these women need and what most every woman wants 
Is a man like those men who were walking the earth 
at the time of the renaissance

They’re the first men to treat women 
more like their equals 
and less like their property, 
less like their earthly possessions

After the end of the Black Plague circa 1351 
A cultural change starting sweeping through Europe, the renaissance had begun 

Men wore puffy shirts, 
read poetry 
and starting asking existential questions 

I’m a renaissance Man 
I’m a renaissance Man 

I’m in touch with my feelings and yet I drink my beer straight from a can 
I like Texas blue bonnets, shakespearean sonnets but I can captain your catamaran 

I’m more than just a regular guy 
I’m a renaissance man

These women that I mentioned asked if I could teach their husbands about this 
They begged me “please you’ve got to help, our marriages won’t make it without this”. 

I said  “I’ll do my best, I’ll try and teach your husbands what I’ve learned” 
But let’s lower expectations this skill isn’t taught so much as earned!”  
They’ve got to learn to be well rounded, learn both poetry and basic car mechanics 

And so I booked a cabin in the woods and sent out invitations 
I bought bagels and coffee and donuts and made power point presentations 
And I made every man sign a waiver, I’m not responsible if one of them freaks out and panics!  

I’m a renaissance Man 
I’m a renaissance Man 

I can clean a fish and field dress a deer as well as any sportsman can 
I’m a connesieur of wines,
 know all the astrological signs 
and maintain a continuous golden brown tan 

I’m more than just a regular guy 
I’m a renaissance man

And so we’re in the cabin in the woods, reading the collected works of Shakespeare 
And one of the husbands yells “this is such bullshit! We’re missing some great college football games on the TV!” 
I said, listen here buddy, page 72 of the waiver you signed with your wife undisputedly makes clear 
There’s only one person in charge of the content we study this weekend and clearly that person is me!  

So he stood up and he had the nerve to take a swing at me 
He must have had a bad case of toxic masculinity 
I ducked his punch and took him down using my Brazilian Ju Jitsu 

Cleary this thing had gone off track and off track pretty far 
So I said, hey guys let’s forget all this and go find a titty bar 
Nothing says the renaissance like a lovely, bouncing, braless pair of tits do 

I’m a renaissance Man 
I’m a renaissance Man 

I’m unafraid of bugs and I’m a big romantic comedy fan 

A renaissance man is well rounded 
And when by regular men he’s surrounded
He’s forced to deviate from his plan 

I’m more than just a regular guy 
I’m a renaissance man

Renaissance Man

At the young age of 12, they imprisoned twin sisters 
they haven’t seen the sun since, the sun’s glow long forgotten 
At the time they were quite small, no larger than blisters 
in a prison of wire and cotton 

It’s time we let them go free 2x 

They longed to dance and play sports or just bounce around gayly 
But those are movements that their prison home quickly absorbs
allowed out of their cells to take a shower once daily 
And yet they blossomed into beautiful orbs 

Its time we let them go free 2x 

At the age of 18, a new passage was written 
Their lives changed rather drastically, for the worse they both feared 
They were Ripped from their cells, kissed, slurped, licked and bitten 
By some moron with a prickly beard 

Its time we let them go free 2x 

And just 9 short months later, as if god himself chuckled 
It was clear that they were doing what they’d been destined to do 
Each sister took a turn with the infant they suckled 
And the Mother’s milk flowing right through 

Its time we let them go free 


These prisons were invented by the French 500 years ago 
Let’s remember it was the French who invented the guillotine  
Its only women that have to wear these stupid braziers you know 
That’s because a woman’s body was considered obscene


Through the years, they fed 4 infants but the sisters aren’t bragging 
They only did what was asked of them, their natural duty 
In spite of some stretch marks and premature sagging 
They still have all their natural Beauty 

Its time we let them go free


One day, She called to her sister from her cell but no answer 
She’d been removed by a surgeon after a breast cancer screen 
The X-ray showed she had developed a significant cancer 
And was replaced by a bag of saline 

It’s time let them go free


They served their purpose in sex, four starving infants were fattened 
They helped bring shape to your sweater, and a curve to your gown
Now Misshapen and pendulous, like two basketballs flattened 
Two ripened cantaloupes pointing Straight down 

It’s time let them go free

As a man, you might suspect that I just wish to see them 
That I’m just an old pervert who seeks to be entertained 
But trust me, I’m an advocate for your dear sister’s freedom 
To jiggle and bounce unrestrained 

Its time we let them go free

Let The Sisters Go Free

They cordoned off a few blocks and some more of these 
For those of us who are not vaccinated 

A plexiglass wall erected by the authorities
To keep the populations separated 

You could argue we deserve this derision 
We’re treated like we’re sick or unclean 

We’re here because we made the decision 
To refuse to take the government’s vaccine  

From the barricade, I watched her walking slowly
Toward the clinic, to receive her daily booster 

She was so beautiful, you could almost call her holy 
For I was certain only god could have produced her 

But There’s no vaccination for love 
And the case load can never be projected 
But There’s no vaccination for love 
The contact tracing can’t be collected 
There’s no vaccination for love 
No testing for its ever been perfected 
There’s no vaccination for love
And you’re lucky if you’ve ever been infected

For months and months I came back to see her 
Her daily booster shot was mandatory 

From her vaccinated prison, I could free her 
If I could only have a chance to tell my story 

I climbed the barricade like a phoenix risen 
I looked for cops around but didn’t see them

I approached her and said  “I can free you from this prison”
“come with me over the wall and live in freedom” 

This is the part where you ask how our first date went 
She screamed and to the cops I was reported 

To say I fucked up would be quite an understatement   
I was arrested and tested and over the wall escorted 

But There’s no vaccination for love 
There’s no therapeutic medicines for you and me
But There’s no vaccination for love 
When it hits you man, it hits you with impunity
There’s no vaccination for love 
And that means that you ‘re a threat to the community
There’s no vaccination for love
Over time you tend to build up an immunity

There's No Vaccination For Love

A man takes a popular hair growing pharmaceutical and experiences growth in an unwanted area.

Common Side Effects Of This Include......

It was a peaceful evening and the moon was glowing very brightly through the curtain 
Our bedside table lamps were on and we were reading as we often do
Out of nowhere without provocation and for reasons that were quite uncertain 
She pulled the pin and lobbed a love grenade that landed right between us two 

She said “you don’t love me anymore, you think my ass is fat now just admit it 
I said darling please believe me your ass is not as fat as you might think 
But this response was very clumsy and I knew that she would not so soon forget it 
And I also knew that now our whole relationship was teetered on the brink 

She pulled the pin and then she lobbed a love grenade 
That is how this game of love strategically is played 
You must stay on high alert and remain all times afraid 
in case, she pulls the pin and then she lobs a love grenade

The love grenade just laid there on the blanket and I braced for it to go off 
I said darling I dont’ think your ass is fat at all, its shaped so perfectly 
She asked then Why do you watch Tik Toks with girls dancing in bikinis just to show off? 
I said those girls on Tik Tok dancing in bikinis don’t mean anything to me 

She pulled the pin and then she lobbed a love grenade 
That is how this game of love strategically is played 
You must stay on high alert and remain all times afraid 
in case, she pulls the pin and then she lobs a love grenade

I’m a battle tested soldier and I’ve wisely built grenade surveillance towers 
All men are soldiers in this army whether you are drafted or enlist 
These love grenades can blow your manhood off and you’ll be buying cards and flowers 
Or worse yet you could wind up getting dragged to see a couples’ therapist 

The love grenade still lay there, I was sweating as each nervous moment passes 
And I decided I would dust off an old line that I had seldom ever used 
“You’re the love of my life darling its your mind I love, don’t care how big your ass is”
And she smiled and was touched, another love grenade successfully defused 

She pulled the pin and then she lobbed a love grenade 
That is how this game of love strategically is played 
You must stay on high alert and remain all times afraid 
Just in case, she pulls the pin and lobs a love grenade

She Lobbed A Love Grenade!

There was this lady she was in labor 
I was her friendly next door neighbor 
And the walls were made of paper machete 

I was an unemployed musician 
Lacking love and recognition 
And since I couldn’t get to sleep anyway 

I said, “Maybe I should stay here and wait for your husband.  
If you want someone to drive you I will”

She said, “you’d have to wait forever cause I don’t have a husband 
And could never pay a hospital bill”

My mouth dropped open and gaped 
When she explained, “I was raped” 
And then informed me that her water broke 

It was tragic and sad 
And yet it probably had 
To be the world’s most elaborate joke

So In her apartment I’m standing 
And In pain she cries out demanding 
“take my panties please and lay me out flat” 

All her screaming was very worrying 
And around the apartment was scurrying 
Some cockroaches and a rather large rat

I said, “Can’t you cross your legs and hold it while I fetch a policeman 
I could have kicked myself for asking her that 
Another baby boy was born without the help of policemen 
Just me and the aforementioned rat 

Who picked the afterbirth clean 
Man the things that I’ve seen 
Could make an ambulance attendance choke 

It was an awful sight to see 
And yet it very well may be 
The world’s most elaborate joke 

Have you heard the old joke about the musician 
trying to be the next Bob Dylan

All of his hopes for his future were on that dream pinned 

Then he rescues a damsel In a wretched condition 
who was raped by a dastardly villain 

And this girl sent all of his hopes and dreams Blowin in the wind!  
Get it?  Blowin in the wind!  

And so we took a bus to Tennessee 
Bob Dylan, the neighbor and baby makes three
And we found an inconspicuous town

I’d start a business sometime later 
As a pest exterminator 
I loved putting rats and cockroaches down 

“we don’t believe your story grandpa you must be joking 
You gave up your dream to kill rats in Tennessee?  
I said, “listen to your grandpa kids, old grandpa’s not joking 
The meaning of life is responsibility”

Yes, now big eyed grand children straddle my knee
And ask if grandpa’s only blowing smoke 

The punch line’ll kill ya if you let it 
Whats the matter don’t you get?  
It’s the worlds most elaborate joke

The World's Most Elaborate Joke

She’s nervous, she fidgets, she takes a long time in deciding 
But he could tell she wasn’t reading the menu, she was in back of it hiding 
He said, “Let’s order cocktails first
Yeah, they’re good but they don’t quench my thirst.”  

But when the rain comes to the desert 
When the rain comes to the desert 
His burning thirst for sustenance shall yield 
When the ran comes to the desert 
He’ll be healed

Her previous marriage left her mud colored glasses to see with 
And he’s recently widowed and just needs a woman to be with 
He said, “we’re in the same boat you and I
Two vodka martinis, please.  Dry

When the rain comes to the desert 
When the rain comes to the desert 
There’ll be cactus flowers blooming by the score 
When the rain comes to the desert 
It will pour 

His romantic prowess was unsharpened and he was anxious to test it 
While she discussed her ex-husband, he put his hand on her knee and caressed it 
She angrily met with his gaze 
Which set the skin around his collar ablaze 

When the rain comes to the desert 
When the rain comes to the desert 
Those pregnant clouds shall burst and shower down 
When the rain comes to the desert 
They will drown 

She flushed red and ran out, embarrassed and mumbling curses 
How many romances rescued by ladies forgetting their purses? 
He followed her off in a rush 
Through the crowd like he was cutting through brush 

When the rain comes to the desert 
When the rain comes to the desert 
The sand shall be transformed into fertile mud 
When the rain comes to the desert 
It will flood 

He said, “I’m so glad I caught up.  Here’s your purse back.  I guess I’m just out of practice”. 
She said, “I’m sorry I overreacted.  I’ve grown thorns like a cactus” 
She said, “I usually don’t kiss men in crowds” 
And the restaurant filled up with clouds 

And that’s when the rain came to the desert 
The rain came to the desert
And nothing, not one inch of it was missed. 
The rain came to the desert 
When they kissed

When The Rain Comes To The Desert

I had a friend whose mechanical aptitude was nothing short of sublime 
And when it comes to the physical sciences, he was quite thoroughly versed 
Over drinks he informed me he’d built a device that could transport a person through time 
And he asked if I’d help him to test his invention by taking the risk to be first 

And of course, I agreed, I mean who wouldn’t jump at the chance to revisit the past 
To travel through time like explorers in history, way off the beaten path, way off 
Think of it, you could buy bitcoins for pennies, return with a fortune amassed 
Or you could save 6 million jews from the ovens by killing an infant named Adolph 

I got in the vehicle, strapped on a helmet and made sure that my seat belt was snug 
It smoked and it whirred and it made lots of noises and spun like a carnival ride 
My friend warned me he couldn’t gauge where’d I’d travel to due to a programming bug  
It crashed to the ground and I started inspecting myself to ensure I’d not died 

I opened the hatch and was greeted by hundreds of savages, scantily clad 
It was clearly apparent that one was the leader, I offered my hand, “how are you sir?”  
They raised up their spears in defense of their leader who asked “are you a god, good or bad?”  
I said “i am no god and I mean you no harm, I am a man from the future”.  

At first they seemed welcoming, happy to have me, they asked of the future enthused 
I told them we sit on a seat we call toilet, it carries our waste through a pipe  
That flows to a waste water treatment facility where it is cleaned and reused 
And rather than leaves we have rolls of soft paper we use when we’re done and we wipe 

I told them that we live in houses and don’t sweat in summer nor in winter shiver 
Our heat and light come from electrons, these particles floating that none of us see 
But they thought me a god making promises to them that now I would have to deliver 
And just then, their leader arose and was forcefully speaking directly to me: 

“We want the things you describe, you’re a god, there’s a way you can give us these isn’t there?”
I apologized to him, “I don’t have the knowledge I’d need to build these things for you”. 
But this explanation was not satisfactory, I was then taken as prisoner 
You will build us these lights and these toilets you speak of, we will keep you here until you do 

But I can’t invent electricity even a toilet to me seems complex 
How does the poo and pee move through the pipe for great distances, miles and miles?  
Instead of learning such things I spent all of my free time in bars hunting drunk girls for sex 
I’m just a monkey who pushes down buttons, flips switches, swipes right and turns dials 

So, If you’re given the chance to learn how the world works I suggest you perhaps do 
Don’t be like me and expend all your free time in drinking and other tomfoolery 
I don’t know their customs, I don’t hunt or fish, I’m a prisoner now they throw scraps to 
They’ve taken apart my time travel machine and wear some of the parts like it’s jewelry

A Modern Monkey In A Time Machine

Motel rooms are unpleasant places 
Especially in suicide cases 
I asked myself was my life worth saving 
And then I noticed that I hadn’t been shaving 

Why yes, in fact, it had been longer than three days since my face was last sheered 
And I’d become rather fond of that beard 

Well, you know how sometimes something compels you 
So strongly you must do what it tells you 
You give in to that desperate craving 
And either blow yourself away or stop shaving 

I chose the latter option because death had always been what I most feared 
And besides, I was fond of that beard 

And so I’m hunchbacked on the balcony leaning 
And I’m trying to decipher the meaning 
Of the wanton way in which I was behaving 
And the choice I made to discontinue shaving 

And just then, on the balcony adjoining mine, like magic she appeared 
And I could tell that she was fond of my beard 

We volunteered the past and then got drunk enough to talk about the present 
I reluctantly confided in her even though my story wasn’t pleasant 
She rolled up both her pant legs and I saw my own philosophy mirrored 
And I fell hopelessly in love with her beard 

She sprang up out of bed like a rabbit 
And she gathered up her things out of habit 
I said, “good morning” to the lady who’d quit shaving 
But was that hello or goodbye that she was waving 

Ah hell, its doesn’t matter, I’m contented, I don’t care which way I’m steered 
Because I’d grown rather fond of that beard
Yes, I’d become rather fond of that beard 
And will remain forever fond of that beard

I Was Rather Fond of That Beard

Once A homeless man approached my mum and I and we were wary 
He was begging us for spare change, mom said, “we’ve no change to spare” 
As we quickly walked away I told my mum “that man was scary” 
And she said, “close your eyes and its not there” 

I was lying in my bedroom in the dark and heard beneath me 
A growling like a monster and I screamed to make my mother aware 
She turned the bedroom light on and this wisdom did bequeath me 
She said, “close your eyes and its not there” 

These childhood remembrances are truly habit forming 
Through the years friends thought me callous or too self absorbed to care 
Be it starving kids in Africa or rampant global warming 
I just close my eyes, and its not there 

Light enters through the eyeball in the pupil and the IRIS 
and passes through the retina to the optical nerve and the brain 
What we DO see can amaze us or repel us or inspire us 
AND what we DON’T see cannot ever bring us pain 

My mother’s sage advise has served me well until the present 
Its kept me moving forward free from worry or despair 
Anytime I’m faced with something ugly or unpleasant 
I just close my eyes and its not there 

But suddenly I’m stricken with self doubt like lightning flashes 
Maybe Keeping my eyes closed was just a form of self-impair 
I’m staring at a little box that holds my mother’s ashes 
And I close my eyes but its still there 
Yes I close my eyes but its still there

Just Close Your Eyes And It's Not There

As It Was So It Ever Shall Be

It was 3 in the morning and I texted her “HEY” 
And she texted back “Hi, How Are You” right away 
And I texted back “Fine.  I just got home from drinking” 
And she texted “Me too”, her emoji was winking

And I texted back “Miss you” and my emoji was sobbing 
And she texted “Come over?”  with a question mark throbbing 
And I texted back “leaving” with a cartoon man racing 
And she texted back “waiting” with two emojis embracing 

And now I’m driving and texted her a cartoon car cruising 
And she texted back “sleepy “and her emoji was snoozing 
And I texted back a wth - what the hell?  
And she texted ijk, smh, lol! 

I texted her my ETA the time I’m arriving 
Of course, it’s highly illegal  to be texting while driving 
She texted back a picture with her bouncy breasts unhoused 
And I texted back an eggplant meaning “I am aroused” 

And then she texted back a photo of her roommate quite beguiling 
And she texted an emoji of a purple devil smiling 
And then she texted if you hurry maybe 2 could be a 3!  
And I texted back a YOLO and a red OMG!  

And now I’m driving even faster and continuing to text 
You will ROFL when I tell you folks what happened next 
A cop was now behind me his lights flashing red and blue 
And I texted “got pulled over”, she texted back “STFU!”  

He said, license, registration saw you texting, you were speeding 
I said, sorry sir please write the ticket quickly I was pleading 
He said son, if you’ve been drinking you’re about to lose your freedom 
I said sorry sir but TBH I’m heading to a threesome.  

He said step out from the car please and I knew wouldn’t go free
So before I did I texted her a crying face emoji 
And I texted her it looks like I’ll be sleeping in a cell 
She texted back a sad emoji and ttyl .

Text Me

There’s a chicken wing restaurant near where I live that on Saturdays I often go to 

After cutting the grass and 
Wacking the weeds
Any  trimming any bushes unruly 

After several months if you sit in the same place the waitresses all get to know you 

And I always sit down 
in young Deborah’s section, 
she’s got a crush on yours truly

She really enjoys all the stories I tell and she laughs at my hilarious jokes 

She always makes sure I have plenty of ketchup, she doesn’t do that for the rest of these folks

Men, don’t fall in love with your waitress 
Being nice to you is part of her job 
Sure, she laughs at your jokes but she laughs at the jokes 
Of every Tom, Dick and Harry or Bob

One Saturday I’m sitting in my usual spot, but Debbie didn’t show for her shift 

And I’m thinking My god, 
what on earth could be wrong 
If I had her address then I could save her

And so I lied and told her manager that Debbie had called me and asked if I could give her a lift 

 He gave me her address 
On a cocktail napkin
And I thanked the man for doing me this favor! 

And I imagined when she saw me I would be her handsome hero and she’d plant on me a passionate kiss 

She’d say “leave your stupid, fat cow wife, she doesn’t love you, marry me instead and we’ll have marital bliss” 

Men, don’t fall in love with the waitress 
You’re not her white knight on a giant white galloping steed 
You’re just another guy who got the cheeseburger combo 
And an appetizer he didn’t need

So I drove up to her trailer and knocked softly on her screen 
And this 6 foot four gorilla came to greet me. 
He had perhaps the largest biceps I had ever seen 
And his fists were more than big enough to beat me. 

I said, “ I was sent to check on Debbie, make sure she’s okay 
Debbie then appeared engulfed in sadness 
She said, “wait a second, I know you, you’re there each Saturday. 
Why the hell did they give you my address?   

I said, “listen, I just wanted to make sure you were alright 
We’ve become so close I care about you deeply 
She said, “I just serve you chicken wings, what gives you the right! 
Get the hell off of my porch, you’re fucking creepy!  

So I got back in my car and I drove quickly away, for a moment there I feared for my life 

I knew that I had overstepped 
Her personal boundary 
And I could never sit again in Debbies section 

I thought from now on that after finishing the lawn, I should have a couple beers with my wife. 

We’re old and fat with two grown kids 
But just like Darwin said 
You have to trust in natural selection 

Men, don’t fall in love with your waitress 
On your personal reality try to keep a  very firm grip 
You’ve got a mortgage, a fat wife and four kids who need you 
So pay the check and leave a generous tip

Don't Fall In Love With The Waitress

After The Power Goes Out

I write story songs.   Many of the stories are true.

Watch my videos!  YouTube:   https://youtube.com/@turtlefrogman?feature=shared

Topics:   Sexual fetishes, reincarnation, sleep apnea, women who don't shave, the story of January 6th 2021, COVID, drug use, pizza place robbery, weddings, divorces and funerals, cannibalism, the story of Joe Biden, transgenderism and pronouns, erectile dysfunction, the World Economic Forum, the story of the USS Indianapolis, time machines, accidents with laxatives, school yard fights, proctologists, teen moms, scientific studies, genital warts, generational divides, national divorce, peeping toms, abortion, petty theft, DIY screws and mental health, suicide etc.