Babies are strange, fleshy animals that women excrete every month at the full moon.  We know this, and yet most of us know very little about them.  Are they friend or foe?  Do their mournful cries awaken ancient spirits from beyond the stars, or are they simply a form of ritual intimidation?  What of poop?  Well, my friends, the answers to these, and many more questions, cannot be found in this episode, because that would just be silly.

Episode 379 - Free Baby Advice

I'm sure you're all sick of everyone talking about time travel.  I mean, it's so hot right now.  But unlike everyone else, in this episode we're going to be traveling back in time with a singular purpose in mind.  I won't give it away, though.  Instead, I'll let you guess WHICH infant German leader we'll be assassinating.  I'll give you one hint:  It's not Helmut Kohl.

Episode 380 - Using the Awesome Power of Time Travel Responsibly

In today's episode, we take one of our classic ideas from the primordial days of the podcast and bring it up to date all the way to the 1990s.  And for some reason, when our task was to update an 80s cartoon for the 90s, we decided the best way to do that is to make it like a generic sitcom.  I don't understand it either, but we're the experts, so you may not complain.

Episode 381 - Improving Something No One Remembers

There's only one place to go when an accident happens:  This podcast.  That's right - if you have a debilitating injury, just listen to this episode and you'll know exactly what to do.  I could tell you right here, but then you wouldn't have to listen to the episode.

Episode 382 - These Are the Only Commercials I'll Actually Listen To

The history of circuses starts with them taking place at actual established buildings and arenas.  This obviously could not last, because who in their right mind would want to see one more than once?  Thus, they adopted the nomadic presentation of traveling performers.  This was better for the circus, because there were always new rubes to con into buying tickets, and it was better for the towns, too, because now the circus is gone.  It was win-win.

Episode 383 - Clowns, Stunts, and Exotic Animal Dung

People who live in real places, like New York, or L.A., or Calgary, do have to occasionally travel from one real place to another, and sometimes the only option is to drive.  This means traveling through the areas in the world that are collectively known to anthropologists as "the dumpster".  The unfortunate people who live in these "dumpster" areas (again, it's the technical term) have absolutely nothing going for themselves.  Distracting "real" people, and possibly jingling a coin or two out of their pockets, is the greatest height to which they can aspire.  Truly, they want only to touch the hem of their robe, to feel the presence of a real life well-lived.  Lived as life should be lived, not sucking scum off the bottom of the dumpster (seriously, I've heard that they're fine with this term).  Over the years, this lower, more dumpstery, form of life has developed several methods for producing these brushes with greatness.  These methods usually involve large, painted plywood models of things, or objects designated the world's ______-est ______.  They've proven quite effective.

Episode 384 - Luring Easily-Distracted Travelers Since Time Immemorial

Sometimes people ask what our podcast is about, and it's difficult to answer them.  After all, we have a different topic every week, so what's it really about?  We've decided to solve that problem this week.  Instead of having a different topic every week, we're just going to have a bunch of different topics in the same episode, which solves the problem by... uh, actually, I'll get back to you on that.

Episode 385 - Podcast Potpourri

100 years ago, people were idiots who acted against their own self-interest.  That's still true today, and though the degree to which it is true is perhaps debatable, it can't be denied that humans ain't changed much.  Well, I guess we do have fewer street rats playing something called "piggy", but that's the only change I can think of.

Episode 386 - What Were Things Like 100 Years Ago?  The Same

Whomb amongst us hasn't wondered if our lives couldn't be improved with a little sex magick?  Why did they put that 'k' on the end, you ask?  Because cult leaders intentionally misspell and misuse words in order to rewire your brain into something that obeys them unthinkingly.  And because it looks cool.

Episode 387 - Scientists Sometimes Dabble in a Little Sex Magick

Enough fartin' around.  We've spent enough episodes "getting to know" the contestants already.  Let's get to the elimination episode.  That's what everyone watches these shows for.  Who's staying, who's going home?  That's what people want.  And that would be great if this were a competition reality show, but it's not.  Instead, it's a courtroom drama, and this is the big trial scene.  You wanted Survivor, but you got The Verdict.  At least this one has Paul Newman punching a lady square in the face.

Episode 388 - And Then There Were Three

Are you a victim of work-related ennui, melancholy or mesothelioma? Free Legal Advice Podcast is here to serve YOU!

Episode 385 - Podcast Potpourri

Free Legal Advice

Related tracks