I.
When your parents become your grandparents
Who pinch your cheeks and dote
When your older sister becomes your younger one
craving validation
so
Bad
That she acts
Like doesn't even know
You anymore and wants to get within
When it even feels like she wants to wear your skin
Because you're a reminder of what she could have been
When family's love wants to be close yet feels new and foreign
And gorged and starving
When the gestures of overwhelming love
come across as disarming
You only get the love of a child once you prove yourself as an adult 
Don't be fooled belated baby, it's not your fault
And while you know you aren't a kid
You might as well enjoy it.

II.
No gush
No rush
No water breaking flood
I was born in a dry baptism of her last drop of menstrual blood’s 
shadow
My first name was “Last” and middle name was “Hope”
Although she didn't appreciate my middle name 
Until the others were away
And I didn't have to stay
Her substitute friend
I revisit 
The scraps of her uterus
She drills me in 
When lonely and trauma dumping
Shivering, I fashion a nest
Frayed womb like silk rags I cling to my chest
Seaweed and kelp like a futile lifejacket
That turns into a net
Preventing me from falling to the bottom
When I drown in her depths
I don't mind anymore
Now that I'm older 
I relate to her madness more than ever
And in someways, despite how it looks, feel like a helpless child more than ever 
So I'll take the offered solidarity and solace.

III.
I had a dream I was on a train
Speeding forward straight
But when I blinked it became a roller coaster
Looping and zigzagging below and over
I sometimes thought of mother rabbits
That eat their babies so that predators don't
And the weasels that like to steal the rabbits’ homes
While these aren't the perfect metaphors for what I was trying to grasp
What I'm saying is, while sometimes consuming closeness
Enjoy family and home while they last
I guess I guess
What I'm trying to say
Is I can leave the party late since I arrived late.

Cover art, production, lyrics and singing by: Jessica "Nikki Ceceré" Brown

Bigger and Smaller than Ever in Ways Both Good and Bad

© 𝘑𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘢 "𝘕𝘪𝘬𝘬𝘪 𝘊𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘳é" 𝘉𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯 | 𝕗𝕖𝕖𝕝 𝕗𝕣𝕖𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕤𝕒𝕞𝕡𝕝𝕖 𝕨/ 𝕔𝕣𝕖𝕕𝕤 | 𝙱𝚒𝚐 𝙴𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚁𝚊𝚝 𝚁𝚎𝚍𝚋𝚞𝚋𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚂𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙱𝚒𝚐 𝙴𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚁𝚊𝚝 𝙿𝚛𝚘𝚍𝚞𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚗 𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚃𝚞𝚋𝚎 | 𝙄'𝙢 𝘿𝙄𝙔 𝙅𝙖𝙯𝙯 𝙊𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙖 𝙋𝙪𝙣𝙠, 𝘿𝙪𝙝! | 𝙀𝙭𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙡 𝙈𝙞𝙣𝙞𝙢𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙢 |𝙊𝙪𝙩𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙈𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙘 | 𝙈𝙖𝙙𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙀𝙭𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙨, 𝙉𝙤𝙩 𝙄𝙢𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙨 | 𝙔𝙚𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣𝙩𝙤 𝙖 𝙋𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙤𝙬

Bigger and Smaller than Ever in Ways Both Good and Bad

N̾i̾k̾k̾i̾ ̾C̾e̾c̾e̾r̾e̾