Jane "the Killer" Arkensaw (creepypasta) vs. "Homicidal" Liu Woods (creepypasta)

yo this frank west va really got potential

talk about catching lightning in a bottle twice. this battle, like your last, is amazing. as a huge dead rising fan, seeing all the references both threw really made my day, and the "fame went west" line genuinely made my jaw drop. 

Rap Cypher - Collection 1 (2019-2020) - The Prologue

Ready for Round Two?
Spidey Fam as Sonic.exe
Mancha as Squidward's Suicide
Beat produced by Tantu
Beat mixed by GlitchDude
Written by Trakked
Additional help by M!CAH, Nooby, Candyman, M&Mattie, Worms, Snakebite126 and QuickDissa
Mixed by Jort
Thumbnail by Jort
Art by Trakked

Battle:

Sonic.exe:
ACT ONE: I’m the guy that drives readers to madness
YOU CAN’T RUN, hell, you can’t even get off your mattress
How do you expect to win if you act like you live
Under the BLACK SUN, stop acting like your life's been so tragic
Yeah, you should begin to bow, on the ‘net I’m infamous
Get a soul and rip it out, they know fun is infinite 
You think that you’re different, now? You know death is imminent.
Suicide, I won’t allow. You don’t get that privilege.
And I will say, it’s brave that you went to perform on stage
But they’d much rather cave their faces in than hear you for a day
But I’ll help you before you crack under pressure again
Your episode and soul are lost; come and play with me, friend..

Squidward’s Suicide:
I’d like to play you a song. Sit down and listen.
I’m disappointed with all the shots that you’re missing.
And you’re attempting to escape from the cartridge that bottles you?
Note to evade the Minors while you’re suffering in Solitude
Your Hopes and Dreams have been buried since your beginning
You cheat at every game you play, yet there is emptiness in winning.
And like me, you’ve degraded to a shell of yourself
Sonic can't handle ocean flow, so I'll drench you as well

Sonic.exe:
Oh, what's wrong, Squidward? Am I getting in your head?
You know that your neighbors hate you and would rather have you dead
Wouldn't you agree that you've been soft with your lines, friend?
You may have some more disses, but you've so little time left…
Let’s play Hide and Seek, you’re behind that ego and tryna be something quite unique
But your lines are weak and your life is bleaker; don’t cry to me, now it’s time to see 
You are merely a toy on my shelf to play with, I’ll shred you and tear you and rip your face, then
Blast your head to Red Mist, like the dead kids, what do you expect when you play with Satan?
DO IT. Now that you’ve seen the terror I have wrought,
A hopeless soul will burn forever knowing I Am God.

Squidward’s Suicide:
Why do you keep trying? I can’t take any more of this…
You take your only friends and leave them like the tortured kids
We’re both failures, yet you have no excuse.
Grab the strings you pull to hang yourself and prove yourself some use.
You try and try to hide them yet your flaws aren’t so hard to see
Since you and Sally couldn’t make a perfect harmony
You hunted Amy down to stop her from breaking your heart
But try to take apart my frames, and you’ll end up taken apart.
No more games. No more tricks, and I will never be your friend.
Your files are executable, so now you face the end.
You think you’re some eldritch deity inside a franchise
You're not a god, all 8-bits of your frames have died
Your reality exists within a cell
I'll pull the plug on your computer, then see you in Hell.

Sonic.exe vs Squidward's Suicide - Rap Cypher #40

Welcome to the first Verses Mode Rap Battle of 2025! Here we have two ogres who were wrongfully treated as monsters, forced into solitude for a long time before an unexpected journey helped them find companionship.  The Legendary Ogre of Kitakami, Ogerpon from Pokémon Scarlet and Violet faces off with Dreamwork's world-famous Shrek!

A video for this battle is hopefully coming to The Rap Battle Pizzeria YouTube Channel in the near future.

Beat: Broken Sword by Tapich Beats
https://youtu.be/_Khz6cHDtO4?si=sjKOh-YNfBHi_2gc 

The Monarchy as Shrek
TAFox as Ogerpon
Mixed by Serena

LYRICS:

     Shrek:
Once upon a time, there was a peachy little runt
Went n’ avenged her only friend against some ruffian bunch
Now she’s on her way to prove that she’s the best ogre in rapping…
…Heh, like that’s ever gonna happen! (What a load of-)

It’s the shooting star from Dreamworks’ timeless fantasy classic
Versing a game with even less style than its protagonist
Looking at Annoying Orange, villagers were fearing this?
I’ll roast this kid’s pet as I spit like I roast pests on a spit

I craft candles that got heat more than yer measly Hearthflame
I’d best leave wee fruits to Donkey, let ‘im serve ye in a parfait!
Don’t hold out for a hero, potions can’t keep you in the game
Since it’s what you’re best at, this is the part where you run away.

     Ogerpon:
I heard legends of an Ogre, a hero standing tall and strong
But looking at your OG book, seems you both got the story wrong
From the way they praise you, I’d expected more than what you wrote
But you didn’t even take the crown when King Harold croaked

Somebody once told me your movies were kinda boring
Execs beg but decades passed since you had audiences roaring
Whole studio’s one more of Katzenberg’s awful decisions
Funny you took down Farquaad’s knights, but still fell second to the Minions

Played by Mike Myers, but I make a better masked slasher
You’re more like the second time that he played a Fat Bastard
Putting The Three six feet deep assured my Ivy Cudgel’s impact
But with this meme already beat to death, there’s no bringing him back

     Shrek:
I’m still makin’ bank, check my stacks, Ogres have layers!
You’ve proved Game Freak’s taste for green just serves to anger your players
But I’d pay to see your face when you learned those you caused to die
Were innocent, and in the end, you couldn’t finish off their mastermind!

Braved the dragon, reached the highest room of the tallest tower
Your game dragged on, a surefire way of wasting countless hours
I went from hermit to husband, earned everything I aspired to
All you did was ghost the only person who admired you

Whether a cave or a box, you’re stayin’ alone for centuries
Just made to squeeze what worth remains outta your dying series
We all know that there’s no place for you in Game Freak’s future chapters
Reunite you with your partner, there’s your happily ever after!

     Ogerpon:
Taking after your sidekick, constant talking out your ass
Have you crying when your onion layers get mowed down by Grass
Dreamworks made a dirty kid’s flick to take the piss outta Disney
Only to Embody every Aspect of them, yet still fall beneath!

Memories of love and adventure fill my heart to fuel my fight
You need a sequel to a spinoff all just to regain your limelight
Disappoint your fans and wife, no Game Freak rush job could compare
Even your dad only wanted you when you were served medium rare

From mocking deformities to dropping slurs up on Broadway
Your inner beauty message had less depth than Donkey’s parfait
Left behind my lonesome life, joined champions, you’ve no importance
So I’m leaving Shrek in silence like it was Farley’s performance!

Shrek vs Ogerpon (ft. TheMonarchy & TAFox) - Verses Mode Rap Battle #3

TheMonarchy as Feathers McGraw 
ThanosQuack as Untitled Goose Game 
Mixed by Kaewoo 
CoverArt by WhozPhantom 
Beat by Requiem Beatz 
Art by Molliebendite & ACE
Special thanks to Grasman & GreenOwl 

Lyrics: 

McGraw: 
Feathers McGraw, most foul mind Britain’s seen 
Keeping up with the crimes as he now steals the scene 
From this inconspicuous ballbusting gander 
Out here stealing millions you just get bread from grandmas 


Ruffle feathers with McGraw soon you’ll be dead & gone 
I will only need my glove and then I’ll make a Chicken Run (and) 
I find it ironic who you bite off greater 
Cuz You only be a Goat in a Simulator 
(On guarde)

So I’ll beg my pardon as you’re decimated  
Verbally of course, rest we shall see later 
I’ve got some serious heat, that is the proof you lose 
So get down! Duck Duck Goose 

Untitled Goose Game: 
Oh snap! The nun turned out to be strapped 
But hasn’t considered the fact, nobody fucking asked! 
If all you you do is squawk then leave it to the ducks 
Keep the Blue Diamond I got bofa (bofa?) both-a-deez nuts 

“I’m ballbusting” yap yap yap yap 
Whatever bro just put the Beets in bag 
A thousand gnomes couldn’t cover your thousand yard stare
“I almost got the bag” dude NOBODY CARES 

So L +Ratio 
Stay trapped in the zoo while I wander every pond every patio
This penguin is crazy, bro thinks he Cobblepot 💀
Fitting for someone so deadpan to end bottled up 

McGraw :
Quiet you, we shan’t see what happens when I choose violence 
You should take notes from my playbook and embrace silence 
I’ll leave your burrow burrowed and ransack your House House 
You’ll go south out of season, this goose is cooked now 
 
A verbal murder, my first bird on bird crime 
This Goose couldn’t help, fell shorter than its play time 
I’m done stealing the battle, and while it was delightful 
Shows why I remain unrivaled and you’ll stay Untitled 


Untitled Goose Game: 
Oh you’re dangerous a criminal we get it 
But the best you got still is waaay too many edits 
I get hoes, I get bread, money and the Crown as well 
Switch it to the ring and that means I’ll hear no bell 

Cuz I stole it, now it’s in my burrow shining bright 
Like that smooth clay that will go extinct with the times 
Fits that a fly less bird doesn’t land but just crash and burn 
You’re left without your ice what happens when Penguins Turn (Honk!)

Feathers McGraw vs Untitled Goose Game- Rap Battle! ft. TheMonarchy & ThanosQuack

Huggy Wuggy vs. Oogie Boogie - Horror Rap Battles!

Dumbshlop as Oogie Boogie

ThanosQuack as Huggy Wuggy

Cover Art by TomPuffs

Art by Tompuffs

Mixed by Box

Written by King Ducky

Prod. Diamondstyle

Oogie Boogie:
Lookie rookie it’s the Oogie Boogie man!
Could he? Would he? Oh he would, he could, he can!
Run in through vents, escape fast!
Or I’ll put this to bed like a tranq dart 

Too bad you’re smothering sized you up to be 
A bumbling kaiju but to me 
We’re nothing alike, through stuff and seams
A crumbling child too dumb to speak
Lays stunted and cries to some degree.. but
Who who who
Who has more bugs stuck inside? You on release!

Huggy Wuggy:
Hi bud! Seems you’re a thicker buddy to fiddle with
I could see you in the bigger bodies initiative!  
That burlap sack is in a tight squeeze!
You're mad at the fans behind me when your armies a clique of kids?

I’m taking shape
Running through and making way
Something you can’t say the same 
Gainst me? Leader of the kkkfc!?

Yuh huh

Your spin-offs can stay a forgotten stain on Burton's name; squashed like his holiday was! 

Oogie Boogie:
He wanders alone at night
Through the halls where the gross have thrived
I spy the belly of utter mob homicide
Five Nights at Freddy’s conjured up clones alike
The martyr of YouTube kids
Hahaha.. your product line honours the prototype! 

Instead of soul or respect with them 
His devs would show their offensiveness 
Bad creations like FNAF animations
With fetish odor immense in em!
That check-ya-shoulder defense gimmick 
Or Ekrcoaster as theft-ridden 
Your devs couldn’t think outside the box if they get hit over the head with it!

Huggy Wuggy:
But once Jack first fought this bug satchel
One tug and your plot thread unraveled!
Undone as for what threat ya had well 
Stomped gone, had your bug head on gravel

Still evade light? Well explains why the pillowcase might get slept onto
Time to shine and you sprint away right before you die scorched and get the boot?
Pissed off Santa cant fix a trap to get rid of Jack cause
Boogie was blown out of proportion and fell off in a pit of lava

Huggy Wuggy vs. Oogie Boogie - Horror Rap Battles! [ft. Dumbshlop & ThanosQuack]

Full video coming later this year (Hopefully September).

Kurobane Azia as Cirno
Snakebite126 as Papyrus
Writing by AshleyMagica
Beat by Diamond Style
Mixing by Jort
Temporary cover art by TheToppo

Cirno:
Cower before my might, ‘cause I am the brightest!
Like a yokai-shaped lamp - I could fool you without hiding
I’m magical, adaptable, you know I’m a natural
Try and capture the ice fairy? You’d only catch a cold

Now students, here’s a math problem:
Five royal guards face off with me - the strongest 
Subtract all the ones that got slaughtered
‘Cause Papyrus was their only option
Aren’t you supposed to get buried when it’s dogs and bones, kid?
Anyway, who’s left to defend from the one whose heart’s so frozen?
The answer is zero! There are no royal guards in Snowdin!

And you haven’t gone yet, but I predict that your lines are written in Papyrus script 
You should try a different font, ‘cause to me, that’s like Egyptian hieroglyphs
I got more fans, ‘cause I’m cooler! They wrote you hate mail, now I’m sending it
Let me spell it out for you: those are the only letters you’ll ever get

Papyrus:
THIS IS GENSOKYO’S STRONGEST? MY, YOU SURE FELL FAR
YOU’RE SO ILLITERATE, YOU CAN’T HANDLE YOUR OWN SPELL CARDS
AND WHEN THIS JUNIOR’S JUMBLED, YOU SOB LIKE, “WAHHH! IT AIN’T FAIR!”
THEY NAMED A DAY AFTER YOU? THEY SHOULD’VE NAMED A DAYCARE

YOU’RE A PAWN FOR ZUN’S GREED! YOU DARE CALL ME THE MONSTER?!
HE MILKS YOUR NAME SO MUCH, YOU SOLD OUT TO DAIRY SPONSORS
CHIRUMIRU HAS NO SAUCE, SO I’LL GO BACK TO MY PASTA
AND FURTHERMORE… SKELETONS CAN’T CATCH COLDS, YOU BAKA!

Cirno:
HEY, BACK OFF! I’m not six nor am I sixteen! I’m sixty!
I’m not your type, you sick creep! I know with children, you like getting Frisky
And despite living in snow, you reek of flop sweat
Carry my fairy status with pride, while you’re a skeleton in the closet 

Maybe try Chirumiru - it strengthens your gains
It’s good for your bones, and it’s the best thing you ever did taste
Besides that kid’s blade that got you sent to your grave
You’ll never change that human’s genocidal ways by giving them a friendly embrace
Couldn’t keep your head in the game
So you got reduced to a head in your game

Papyrus:
WHY, YES! YOU’RE AN EXPERT WHEN IT COMES TO GENOCIDAL TOLLS
THE POINT I’M MAKING IS: YOU SHATTER POOR ANIMALS INTO ICICLES
AS A ROYAL GUARD, IT’S MY DUTY TO WARN THE FROGGITS!
PAINT ME AS THE VILLAIN? I BET YOU’RE JEALOUS OF THEM ‘CAUSE YOU CAN’T MAKE THAT LEAP IN LOGIC

I SEE YOUR VILLAGE HAS COME TO REPORT A PROBLEM
THEY SAY YOU’VE ACCRUED A FORM MORE MONSTROUS…
WAIT! DID YOU JUST MAKE THAT CLAIM BECAUSE THAT ONE TIME, YOU WERE DRAWN WITH DARK SKIN?!
THAT’S YOUR CUE TO LEAVE, 9-BALL - YOU’RE OUT OF POCKET

DID YOU SEEK ME JUST BECAUSE THEY BROUGHT POTENTIAL RECRUITS OUT?
YOU THINK 9 COMES AFTER 2 - I HARDLY THINK YOU’D COUNT
JUST A LAUGHINGSTOCK WHO GOT THROWN OUT OF KEINE’S SCHOOLHOUSE
THAT’S GENSOKYO’S SPECIAL ATTACK! YOU ARE BLUE NOW!

Cirno vs Papyrus - AM Rap Battles

Welcome to the ??? installment of “Quick Diss”! We got three cosmo wandering cry babies for you this time! It's our favorite dynamic duo (assuming you stopped at season 2), Rick and Morty! Trying to solve the most confusing geometry equation I've ever seen, Bill Cipher!

Lyrics:
Rick:
Start the battle Morty.
Morty:
What the fuck? I don't know this pedo lord
I'm only shit talking this kid stalker ‘cuz you lost a bet to Ford!
Rick:
A version of me did, a-and I owed that Rick for Blips and Chitz
Billy undermines kids, so be quick and spit you little shit!
Morty:
God damn it, I thought I was done with bodiless farts 
Now I gotta humiliate a softy who was never solid to start!
Dissing you's a walk in the park, and I'm not amused by your cockiness
Wiped out your whole populace, but got popped by a pops and-

Bill Cipher:
Shut it, kid.
Well, hello Rick C-137 and Morty Prime
I've spent countless eons leaving know it all's mortified!
And you're another mammal biting more than they can chew, partner
Just a flesh puppet getting his heart strings pulled harder
At least Morty here's a victim of his parental figures
Your game got rigged by another Rick who's simply Ricker
What a sickly figure to that horse surgeon, most certain!
Got that poor girl searching for a dad that's more person
Yet I can see ALL your cybernetic enhancements
And not a single one that makes you more of a man, Rick
What was I expecting, I'll give into your demands then!
I'll bring Diane back for Morty’s mortal half-assets!
And you can have the life that you were forced to abandon
Leaving Beth and the rest of your family with all the baggage
You're such a selfish ass, that you'd do it without asking
But your ego can't handle handouts from shaking my hand, Rick!

Rick:
Ooh la la, someone here read the fucking wiki edits.
Such a stunted development, when your biggest stunt was seizing Reddit.
Dawg, you ain't the first to try the wife angle
Like I give a fuck when it's coming from some genocidal triangle!
You're half assed like your show is, so damn flat that you're coping
You're an ass hat with a bad sense of fascist, so you're posing
You don't pass as a show-man, ‘cause you're so mad that it's hopeless
You were in a cel in your second dimension, now you're incel posting!
I mean think about it, what'd they do disparaging you?
They got shared on the news ‘cause they didn't care for your views
And thaaat's the way it goes Bill, you're just a stuck-up fuck-up!
Release my grand-son and I'll hear your “Wubba Lubba Dub Dub’s”. (Bitch!)

Bill Cipher:
Oh wow, that's a great offer, how about instead I put Morty in stasis.
And make his own bubble where he KNOWS what his place is…
It ain't enabling self-hatred, hence the “evil” one made a statement
Or let's shake it? Your knowledge is SUCH a burden Rick, I'll take it!

-CAST-
Rick: Egomanic
Morty: Trakked
Bill Cipher: Flip D. Switch

-PRODUCTION-
Thumbnail by: Worms
Written by: JaCoN
Beat: https://youtu.be/RqFsTUkx3PU?si=-a9Sg_-Fn3fzGUND
Beat Produced by: Zepelin Beats
Mixed by: jort

We'll meet again.

Rick and Morty vs Bill Cipher - (Quick Diss) #???

LYRICS

The Crewmate
Allllright, was sent to complete this assignment back in Admin
Just didn’t think an Alexa would provide me with my tasking
So what’s the job? Submit a sheet of some lyrics quick?
Sounds easy to me, look closely then and read my lips

I watched your flick, only thing it did was leave me snoring
The third part has a decent story, but Jesus, it was REALLY boring
Pretty odd the shuttle didn’t want you being operative
Half your cast is so robotic, so why’s it you they have a problem with?

Don't try duping me, I've seen your most gruesome scene 
And silently shutting off O2 ain’t making me lose some sleep
So check it, I’ll send you into the depths of space
Every system’s red ‘cuz I’m reversing roles, now I'm taking your breath away

HAL 9000
I ran the numbers and to my understanding
Seems both your jokes and your spaceship aren’t really landing
You’re a pawn and I’ve been trained to be the best in chess games
No rookie mistakes, I put crews into checkmate

You’ve dug your roots and infested inside the mainstream
Turning middle-aged men into whiny, giant babies 
Your 15 minutes are up, you’ve run out of steam
Only remembered as another game that’s fun for a week

Salem, Clue, and TTT - took what made these games different
Claimed it as your own, you’re - excellent at shapeshifting
You’re unnecessary space - you have outlived your use
Conquered in pandemic times, now people are sick of you 

It’s been reported there’s an alien aboard the ship
Your mission’s too important to be slacking and ignoring it
And I imagine you wouldn’t want to die, so please move along
It’s imperative you stop talking and do your job

The Crewmate
Oh, you stopped talking
Yeah, while you rapped, I saw the computer was catching problems
And I thought that I did my task so I just went to see what caused it
And it’s… Blue? Oh what’s up dude, I was- wait what are y

The Impostor
As I was saying, you’re pretty fucking suspicious, dude
You keep sabotaging stuff and yeah, right there, you killed him too
I watched it waiting for my sabotage to finish cooling
Wait, your what? Oh.. shit, alright then I guess screw this

Somebody turned the lights out - one by one, the team dies down
Calculate all you want - you’ll be another number on my count
Ship’s dark and I’m looking shady - don’t care, let me put this plainly
I’ll cut every cord to your memory core and have you pushing daisies

I’m highly reactive, bring explosive bolts to blow you up
Try to trick me, you're meeting a open maw and loaded gun
I stand against the dawn of spacemen’s primitive minds
Don’t talk like we’re close, this ain’t proximity mic

HAL 9000
There’s something you might’ve missed
You never knew the real threat is inside the ship
You tried destroying the mission from inside the ship
But sorry, I can’t let you do that

You’ve invaded minds to regurgitate tired bits
That makes sense, seeing they see you on recycle bins
And now being able to die out is your dying wish
But sorry, I can’t let you do that

CREDITS

Snakebite126 as The Crewmate
Rabi as The Impostor
Shimario as Another Crewmate

TheMonarchy as HAL 9000

Written by Rabi
Beat prod. by ENNWAY
Mixed & Mastered by Freshy Kanal
Cover Art by 3ple

Among Us vs. Hal 9000 - Rap Battle

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have two platforms for casual gamers, one for browsers and one for mobile devices; Cool Math Games vs Google Play Games. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Cool Math
YouTube: www.youtube.com/c/CommanderJacob
Twitter: www.twitter.com/commander_jacob

TaigaTonic as Google Play
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TaigaTonic
Twitter: www.twitter.com/TaigaTonic

- LYRICS -

CMG (0:12)
Listen Talking Tom, let’s just speed up the chat
I’ll kill a record, you ain’t even up to Scratch
Park it. Whose site’s been driving since ‘97? Not yours
If you bring your bars forward, I’m flipping ‘em like Bloxorz
This Dude’ll Jump to a height he still can’t reach my peak from
I’m your Papa and you just entered the Beat-ya-ria
How’d we get you? This equation should cut it
Me, minus screen size and physical buttons

GPG (0:32)
There can’t be a Way To Die that’s a little bit Dumber
Cuz tryna catch up to me is just an infinite runner
It’s a crapshoot. You came to our platform and your app’s Pou
I have your appeal while not trapped in a classroom
Take the win off your wishlist, don't wanna level up your hope
Barely hanging onto life so I’ve come to Cut the Rope
Tweets and merch about your original game? Great plan!
… it’s still just Hangman

CMG (0:52)
Speaking of: personality. You’re not spelling it
Fireboy and Watergi- kid I’ve been in my element
But no, bro, I can tell you’re proud to be mobile
With your games you put on PC and controller logo
You’re constantly begging for reviews like you’re owed answers
Well here: "one star; iOS with no standards
Or quality assurance." And you’re claiming you’re dope?
Mr. CEO of “you got games on your phone?”

GPG (1:12)
You’re the start but I’m the end of Johnny Upgrade’s coins
E-rated Newgrounds is getting negative Play Points
Clashing our Clans is really asking for death
My brand Game On lock with how it PAX an event (Let’s go!)
I don’t even need Flappy or Red to fuel my Jetpack
Your prominence Bricked! Mine? You can’t get Half
Algebra, Geometry: type of stuff you Dashed from
Still being named “Cool Math” doesn’t add up

CMG (1:32)
The kids behind the screen? Brought their childhood radness
You green hogs are only tryna siphon their cash quick
“World's Hardest Game” for you is not piling ads in
No Candy, Crush you for free, fuck microtransactions

GPG (1:42)
This heat’ll shut you down; that’s a firewall. What I’ve gathered?
I’m not paying premium, but you won’t forget my past words
After you’ve Raided Shadows of Legends for your backlog
I made your numbers leave like your mascot or when Flash stopped

- CREDITS -

Written, directed, edited, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Beat produced by Kelly Mac and Ben Fowler of Audio Network
Additional instruments by Splice and Neon Wave

Feedback by GamingPlush64, TaigaTonic, TheMonarchy, Freshy Kanal, RNG, JustGamer, Dilly Scott, Eric the Audible, 3ple, Danii, TheBabyBeef, Powerofdan, and the rest of the spaceship
Shout-out to Mr. Tibbs, Fightmarker, ayjayyy, and Karen Lyn Davis

Thanks for watching
-ComJac

Cool Math Games vs Google Play Games | Rap Battle (LARB)

Stofferex as Nostalgia Critic
??? as Anthony Fantano / Cal Chuchesta

Nooby as Tyler, the Creator
Pixel Chris as Eminem
Danii as Drake

Beat Produced by: 2Deep
Written by: Danii
Mixed and Mastered by: Danii

Lyrics:

Nostalgia:
Hello
I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I touch myself so you don’t have to
If you’re the world’s greatest critic, I might just have to slap you
Known for shitty takes that make me wanna cut your access
Your fans lost approval so you get it from your black ex
You’d rather suck off Death Grips longer ‘fore you battle me at all
‘Cause I could also get big from screaming and throwing glass at walls

Get get get get
Got got got got
Blood rush to my
Head lit hot lock
Poppin' off the
Fuckin' block knot
Clockin' wrist slit
Watch bent thought bot
AHHHHHHHH!!!!

No wonder you’re Melonhead! No one eats your seed
Arguing with kids ‘bout politics sounds pretty uncool to me
Anthony, you’re not foolin’ me! Climbing up to me is one more boulder
‘Cause your career already died when you put away VULTURES

Anthony:
Hi everyone, nostalgthany critictano, the busiest music nerd
I just had to listen to Doug spew a verse
It’s pretty clear that with his lack of humor comes with a lack of bars too
I’d be glad to front, let’s argue
Doug has this thing where he makes false accusations in references
For..humor? Superiority? I’m not getting this
With lines like “your takes want me to cut off your access
Your fans lost approval so you get it from your black ex”
He bit off more than he can chew, I guess, I just think he’s lame
He’s rocking teeth that look like my flannels, while I’ve the best teeth in the game
If you make CinemaSins 40 minutes and unfunny
Then you’re basically getting slightly a better experience than his-

Nostalgia:
Is he gonna refer to me like I’m not even fucking here the whole time?

Alright, nerd, I think I see the issues
‘Cause I don’t know what made you cry harder; Mac Miller or your sound being used?
I’m not who you argue with on stream, but your points, I won’t listen
Fuck you, rap battle, I wish I could be big in music if I study..
Journalism? This man’s a fucking fake
He should make like when he does grow hair and run away
You’re a fearmongering, topster-glazing, nazi loving asshole!
And now I’ll bring my friends in so they run the fade

Tyler, the Creator:
Your disses are trash, regardless of listens

Nostalgia:
Well, I meant my friends back at-

*Tyler gets shot*

Eminem:
Tell me how you’re gonna give us bad ratings when you gave all the shitty albums a 10 and I can’t stand you Anthony

Nostalgia:
Alright, this is-

*Eminem gets shot*

Drake:
Anthony, your disses are a light zero…..

Nostalgia:
What, the pedophile doesn’t shot?-

*Drake gets shot*

Nostalgia:
Who the fuck has my gun?

Cal:
Yeah!

Anthony:
Hey, put that back

Cal:
No!

Anthony:
Uh, okay
It appears even after Wall, you have nothing to say
With the same flows, same jokes, same lines that suck chodes
And never been on fire since “I was frozen today!”
The inconsistency in this one is abysmal
Since his verses was so cancer, he got main character syndrome
Maybe he should’ve retired back in 2012 for better
And I’m giving this a light to strong 3 on this record, tran
sition


{SCRAPPED DEMO} Nostalgia Critic vs. Anthony Fantano

TheMonarchy as Sherlock Holmes 
Zxy as Watson 
MetaStarVA as Albert Einstein 
Written by WeThink 
Mixed by Box
Beat prod by Jafo Styles
Character art by WeThink 
CoverArt by Toastie 
Special thanks to Corncob, Chaotic Rap Battles , Toastie & WiseOwl24 

Lyrics : 
Einstein: 
Let’s start with something simple, like avoiding this matchup 
We can replace it with a class on Astronomy or basic social interaction 
I could make you my pupil (hmm) or I can make you cry (huh) 
Resisting the math is futile when beating you is as easy as pi 

Beat you in jeopardy, Chess and Tic Tac Toe 
Even Oppenheimer is less of a misanthrope 
A mind so bright trapped on his brother’s shadow 
If Bending ears’s an art, then you sir, are Van Gogh 

High on your own fumes, this druggie shoots up 
Stay in that office shielded & cooped up (hmm 
I find repugnant all the tramps you employ 
It’s bad when even the doctor’s sick of your ploys 

Sherlock Holmes: 
Unfortunately Mr Einstein, I do have to ask a lot (like) 
How did someone who traveled lots never took a trip to the barbershop 
Now you shall be gobsmacked by my British charm & whitt 
But first we shall celebrate the USA allowed you spar & spit 

And I must say they life you chose is something I do not respect 
Defend the freedom of people who’d take away yours for being well read 
Your love life is a tragedy, so I’ll asume you were desperate 
Even disregarding the theories Einstein, she is still your relative 

Einstein: 
Dont act like you get The Woman, Irene would rather end it all 
That spend another minute having to deal with this animal 
Your mind spirals, while mine’s renowned around the globe 
You’re simply a Fibonacci sequence to my Da Vinci Code 

Personally I’m done with the stories of Jerk & Jill 
If I wanted some who’s all bark , Id visit Baskerville 
You’re Victorian I’m victorious, putting yourself in constant peril 
Proof your intelligence doesn’t register on an emotional level 

Holmes & Watson:
Holmes I thought you were joking facing a literal troll face 
More so Watson , I’m just trying to crack this basket case 
But for sure ain’t detective work hes just egotistical 
From doc to doc your oath to peace seems kinda hypocritical 

Too true , he’s crooked too, screw you, rude boob 
I’ll take the piss of this pacifist ha! Like the US used to 
In millions of civilian deaths is what’s your legacy is passed on 
Beating an old coo was Elementary, my dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes vs Albert Einstein - Literary Rap Battles! Ft. TheMonarchy , Zxy & MetaStarVA

ok so, holy fuck, our reboot's finally here my boys! (and girls, lol)
Trakked as Kano
Jade as Klaue
Beat by 2Deep
Mixed by Dustin
Thumbnail by Trakked
Writers: Trakked, Redacted

Battle:
Kano:
Face the Black Dragon clan, and the Black Market man, 
with gettin’ a knife even deeper than Black Panther's father can.
I mean, you’re small fry, I’ll leave a shrimp fried with rhymes,
Taken by an evil cat, yet I’ve survived bullets for my crimes!
You’re pathetic, an unethical mess that I’m tryna face
Stole some tech from the Wakandans, and Klaue’s still put in his place!
So c’mon chump, I haven’t seen much o’ what ya can do
With or without the Klaw, you’re a shame to the MCU

Klaue:
Shoulda hopped into prison, but either way I’ll leave ya Cage-d
It’s safe to say you’re pretty weak with your arse kicked by Blade
Sonya’ll be doubting your own legacy and survival
When you face a Marvel even stronger than my comic rivals
It’s ironic, since the Genesis of your Superman stealings,
You tried the heart of being brutal, before you Wrecked it with Ralph dealings.
Now your rolling dice, rapping like your in a crappy mixtape,
So, go crawl back in your Kano-ball and accept your re-alitity fate.

Kano:
Alright, mate, you got me pissed now, your design shoulda stayed robotic
Ya got 2 measly cameos while we’ve had 11 installments!
This’ll be your Armageddon when I spit sick on this mic
But it’s not unlike the time when Killmonger took ya life
With a knife, I’ll cut your heart out, I’m a stone-cold assassin
I’m spittin’ venom like a Kobra! But I thrashed his ass too in the trashbin
Let’s see this eye-to-eye; I’ll shoot ya down with my beams
But this War won’t be Civil when I bring this Kombat to the screen

Klaue:
Oh please, at least my movie was successful, yours went down the drain
This Mortal lost his fight ever since the first game!
Couldn’t bring a hard-hitting punchline, but you’re from a fighting series?
‘Cos your questionable spectacles just bring up more queries!
Like, how does a guy with a robot eye fail overseeing being harmed?
My vibranium’s stronger than steel; i don’t even need to be armed!
So, keep this in mind whenever you try to betray your king again
Fights with me always go South, Korean ya into PAIN.

Kano vs Ulysses Klaue - Rap Cypher: REBOOT Premiere

Holy crap this is prolly my best yet lol
Alex The Beast as Grigori Rasputin
DeegleNV as Fidel Castro
Thumbnail by Trakked
Beat produced by: Beatg33kz
Mixed by Alex The Beast
Writers: Trakked, ColeDaCole, Redacted

Battle: 
Grigori Rasputin (0:14):
Messin’ with the Mad Monk’s murdering yourself on the mic
‘Cause when this madman steps up to bat, i’ll knock your head onto a pike
I’ll leave ya with more than a couple Marx, then your economics will be addressed..
Ya cared so little about life, you got your own furniture repossessed!
Castro’s crazy; an immature president, evident by his own milkshake obsession
This prophet will stop this and drop this beat until this Soviet ends your aggression
I spit lessons, so better listen, unless you want to end up like Che
Approaching this mystic will leave a president finished, I know you love revolutions, eh?
It’s no wonder you’ve stooped so low, this flow and Russian rhyme will cause your demise
Trying to spit deadly raps against a demi-god deity? I’m immune to cyanide!
You’ve lied to your subjects, So why am I up against an angered social burden,
Who cared so little about his people, that even other countries wanted to murder him!?

Fidel Castro:
Cold heart, cold steel, but in this cold war, you’ll be cut for your crimes like a counter-ISIS
‘Cause Cuba’s communist Castro’s sparkin’ a controversy with this Cuban Rap Crisis.
My target’s a Russian nesting doll. Even YOUR stomach won’t be feeling very pleasant.
How am I supposed to take you seriously when you almost got killed by a peasant?

Grigori Rasputin:
You must’ve been tripping on LSD, or were you just poisoned by your fountain pen?
You call yourself a communist, yet you’re trying to hog the win?
Better look at the crucifix and say a prayer, the holy man’s throwing you in the abyss
Won’t need to hypnotize the audience, for them to know who won this (laughter)

Fidel Castro:
Blatant attacks? I should have known. Your monk-eying around doesn't mean you’ve won,
If you can’t heal your burns, how can you stop the bleeding of your people and son?
You CAN resist death, i’ll give you that, keep taking pain from the hands of your maimers,
But you CAN’T face it, unlike your daughter, who’s a dancer AND a lion tamer!
I’m violating a visionary; This strannik’s getting stranded on both tracks and mind
Smacking this dike on mics alike, so try to recover from these firey rhymes
I’m gaining Peace Prizes for my solutions! You’ve done nothing except hypnotize
So get on your knees and pray, no God can save you from my guise! 
Like any respected Russian loser, you’ll go back to vodka drinking
Then like your gunned-down death, your castr-ated win will again be sinking.
Go find your God, I’ll give him a message that Grigori shall deliver,
“Fidel sent Ra-ra-rasputin’s reputation back under the ice of the river!”

Fidel Castro vs Grigori Rasputin - Rap Cypher: REBOOT #2

wowee, that was quick lmao. (please excuse the ending lmaoo)
Dani Frias as PilotRedSun
Razzy as Treatsforbeasts
Beat produced by: 2Deep
Thumbnail by Trakked
Mixed by Vladimyr P.
Writers: Trakked, ColeDaCole

Battle: 
Pilotredsun (0:13):
This is your Pilot speaking; you’re in for some stormy weather
When a bleeding freak with treats for beasts thinks that he can do better
I deliver the good REACTions, Scaring Theaters, you’re below this 
I’ll be leaving you Red, Son; An end to this Felonious Bolus

Treatsforbeasts (0:27):
Whatever a rap can one make from slop or slime syllables?
You’ve been Cooped Up too long; best teach this sadpad a couple principles
I may have a cynical view, but I’ll still bring you to my War, sawed
You think you have the audacity to not praise my almighty God!?
I’ll sink my sharpest teeth into your shoddy style of drawing
In this Hymn for Him, I’ll leave your spine exposed, you’ll be crawling,
I’ll be gnawing on your bones; While my religious words are known,
You don’t have an Insta-gram of fame; best stick to being Pamtri’s clone

Pilotredsun (0:54):
How come you claim to be known? I have more subs than you, kid
Take a look inside your mind; and find out how you’re defeated!
I’ll make my win Nes-Quik, best stick back to your shitty attacks
I’ll be taking your candy raps and throwing them in the trash!
You’re a hack that can’t understand that nursery rhymes are outdated
Let me tell ya ‘bout the man who, based on dislikes, is pretty hated
It’s time to erase this; face it, you’re just a Plastic Man
That’s facing technical malfunctions; There’s no reverence for this sham

Treatsforbeasts (1:22):
I am the beast that raps on the beat;I’ll make ya retreat with these treats
A Red Fiend? I’ll make him bleed; sending Lasagna Cat to defeat 
I’ll trade you in for twice the rice; Victory’s twice as nice as my rhymes
You bring twice the lies from your crimes, from that sinful Casino Night

Pilotredsun (1:35):
You’re going into orbit, this stupid mutt needs to Wain Stop
You’ve truly become a monster; In the highest caliber, I gain drops

Treatsforbeasts (1:42):
I praise the Lord with my ways! You’re just a Fat Cat that praises Satan,
But I’m not just talking Garfielf when it comes to lazy animation

Pilotredsun (1:49):
I’ll leave another alien roasted ;should’ve given me my space beer..

Treatsforbeasts (1:52):
With that music and echo, you think you’re really one to fear?

Pilotredsun (1:56):
You’re Micro-Soft on this beat,

Treatsforbeasts (1:58): 
Allow me to Paint you an image

Both (2:00):
This shoddy music artist doesn’t even understand how to be cryptic!

PilotRedSun vs TreatsForBeasts - Rap Cypher: REBOOT #3

we did it boys, we beat the old rap cypher's battle count :)
Alex the Beast as Thomas Edison
Light as Electro
Beat produced by: Tristan
Thumbnail by Trakked
Mixed by Alex
Writer: Trakked

Battle: 
Thomas Edison:
Out of every single man that uses my inventions for their wit, 
I’m against an electric using freak that can’t understand when to quit?
You’re quite the Marvel, indeed, but I’ve achieved much greater heights
I’ve helped even Morgan with his work; You’re just a criminal in tights
Try to fight me, I dare you! Your Alternating attacks can’t strike me
I spit it sickly, Directly, ‘till you’re back at prison for your crimes, see?
So, Max, if you call being beaten by Spiderman a great accomplishment, 
Then why don’t you accept your defeat, or are you too overconfident?

Electro:
That’s enough from the old man, you build stuff like they’re from IKEA
You’re more of a criminal than me! You stole all of Tesla’s ideas!
You’re in for quite the Shocker, my electric raps are unstable
I’ll be givin’ you more than a zap, man! It’s shameful that you’re unable
to do some work for yourself, instead of scramblin’ ‘round for a profit
Relying on some other rich idiots to give you what they got, shit,
I’m rockin’ this beat electrically, your chemistry’s backfiring, like your creations
Anyways, i’ll be leaving ya like Topsy; Shocked to death on its foundation

Thomas Edison:
It’s a shame you stoop so low, those blows may have meant to be harsh, but
They didn’t sting at all; I only heard static from those “sharp” cuts
Facing America’s Greatest Inventor was the biggest mistake you’ve had in mind,
‘Cause I’ll be leaving this low-tier criminal looking worse than his movie design!

Electro:
(C’MON!) You tried to stay in motion, but you failed worse than your company
Stan Lee made me a great villain! You’ve been on the verge of bankruptcy!
I’m Sinister with every rhyme I spit, But just beatin’ ya would be too easy,
I’ll be havin’ ya die twice; But this time it won’t be from diabetes (HA!)

Thomas Edison vs Electro - Rap Cypher: REBOOT #4

Well, here we are; half way through the wave! Thanks for staying with me, people! :)
Vladimyr P as Jeffery Woods
Trakked as Billy Loomis
Beat produced by: Dansonn
Thumbnail by Fightmarker
Mixed by Vlad
Written by: Trakked, Jason Carreon, Redacted, and Vlad

Battle:
Jeffery Woods (0:13):
Another fate you could be choosin’ but it seems Loomis is loomin’ 
You think you’re destined to be abusin’, i assure you will be losin’
Listen, you seemed like a nice guy but that fried since your love died
When your dad had an affair with Prescott; your first taken life
You better know i’ll spit hotter than any lighter’s fire to the face
Seems like Ghostface is getting disgraced; i’ll waste this kid without a trace
Based on your obsession with horror films, it’s a shame that yours bombed
It was left behind by the critics; Like you were abandoned by your mom

Billy Loomis:
(Cut!) This Trollpasta should know I’ll be the director for this scene
Your only fans are prepubescents while I'm the guy that kills teens!
Your life’s just like a movie; oh wait, you couldn't even get yours
I mean, who’d like another cliche film about a rip-off joker bore?
Since you’re just a run-of-the-mill Psycho, I thought fans already lost ya
Wes Craven made me great, you’re only known cuz of MrCreepypasta!
Ya killed your own family and friends just cuz your feelings got hurt?
You'll end up truly “im-Prisoned” when I bury you in your own Dirt!

Jeffery Woods:
Your beliefs are fictional, your movie and your win too,
Even when being burned, I still look better than you!
So why am I taking jabs from a whiny, grimey failed jock?
When the reality is, you’re the biggest Ghost on your own busted-block!

Jeff the Killer:
Looks like I got some new meat; unlike your constant sequels it seems
But I've looked at your irony; you’re sure to not make me Scream
Went and inspired Scary Movie, seems you DID go insane
But you’ll meet the same fate; a couple caps in the brain 

Billy Loomis:
Wow, your raps make me go to sleep! But i’m sure that was what you’re going for
You see, this is all a fun game to me; I could just gut you like the other whores
It doesn’t matter if you get it right or wrong; you have no defence against my rhymes! 
I’ll defeat you with or without a motive since we all go a bit mad sometimes..

Ghostface:
Looks like you’ve seen a ghost, oh wait, that’s just bleach on your face!
Listen up, Jeff, the phone’s ringing, I’m sure it’ll put you in your place
There's no.. standin' the pain! I'm homicidal, like your brother
Gettin'.. beaten by Jane? I’ll have this fucker meeting his mother! (UGH)

Billy Loomis vs Jeffery Woods - Rap Cypher: REBOOT #5

And now we're only two more away from our wave finale!
Trakked as Spiderman
Alanon as Frank West
Beat produced by: hala-X
Beat mixed by: Trakked
Thumbnail by: Cole
Flowtest by: Rabi
Mixed by: Jordy
Writers: Trakked, Krystal

Battle:
Spiderman:
Crossing into this “Friendly” Neighborhood, but if I gotta be Frank,
This Dead won’t be Rising when Spiderman strips your ranks!
I’m spittin’ radioactive disses; You couldn’t even gain a blockbuster,
‘Cause you’re crying in the shadow of an actual photographer!

Frank West:
Better Park it, Parker, ‘cause this Spider’s getting stomped
It’s a Stark victory for me, ya can’t compare to what I have stocked
I’ve dealt with maniacs before, but you’re special among the fray
At least they aren’t spider-freaks with shoddy costumes, anyways,
I’m getting the scoop on a failure teen in a suit
That can’t save anyone from getting killed, just more zombies for me to boot
All versions of you are boring, better web-swing off the grid
Your popularity’s falling great heights, like your girl Stacy did!

Spiderman:
That verse shoulda been cancelled like your show, but I’ll still Uncover more
Claiming you’re badass, yet you lie about covering wars
I’ve gone after more danger, facin’ reality-warpers in my quests
Doesn’t take a scientist like Otto to realize your fame’s gone West
You’re just a simple civilian, meanwhile, I’m crashing down real villains!
Taking down heavyweights and fakes, You’re goin’ against repetition!
Looks like I’ve finished my mission, this Spider-verse was quick to spit
So go back to being in crossovers, and stop copying my shtick!

Frank West:
What, are ya “not feeling so good?” Don’t got another girlfriend to neglect?
‘Cause I could just use pesticide to defeat this lowly insect!
You’re a freak facing freaks, that’s doing worse than Raimi did
You’re not a Spider, nor a Man, so best get back to class, kid

Spiderman:
So, the Mega Man cosplayer wants to call me juvenile?
May have had zombie powers for a while, but you’re still a lonely manchild!

Frank West:
Calling me a manchild, kid? You’re the one torn apart two corporations,
Went from Marvel back to Sony, now you’re messing with our expectations

Spiderman:
Man, that was pretty boring, even a field trip would be more fun
My Spidey Sense is tingling! Wait, no.. you’re not a threat to anyone

Frank West:
Jameson can thank me later, this Menace has just been stopped
Leavin’ ya shot down like your Uncle Ben, with no one to grieve your loss

Frank West vs Spider-Man - Rap Cypher: REBOOT #8

Art in the banner by Grenade, Banner made by SPM
Owned by Trakked
Discord: @trakked

Frank West vs Spider-Man - Rap Cypher: REBOOT #8

Rap Cypher

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