a work in processing the feelings as they come

hi bird demo 2

you are laying in bed and a noise starts to chime you in, what a sound it is and you slowly let it guide you to it before you realize it's the alarm clock! you gotta get up! and it's going to take all you've got to go do your day. you wrestle it up and squirm and toss but your eyes start to close you take a deep breath and the sound is pushed away deep back and gone from you. you've not had it this time around, the comfortable guise of your body on the lines has you now. you tuck in your toes among the blanket and roll your shoulders as all remains quiet. until when you are laying in bed and a noise starts to chime you in, what a sound it is and you slowly let it guide you to it before you realize it's the alarm clock! you gotta get up! and it's going to take all you've got to go do your day. you wrestle it up and squirm and toss but your eyes start to close you take a deep breath and the sound is pushed away deep back and gone from you. you've not had it this time around, the comfortable guise of your body on the lines has you now. you tuck in your toes among the blanket and roll your shoulders as all remains quiet. until when you are laying in bed and a noise starts to chime you in, what a sound it is and you slowly let it guide you to it before you realize it's the alarm clock! you gotta get up! and it's going to take all you've got to go do your day. you wrestle it up and squirm and toss but your eyes start to close you take a deep breath and the sound is pushed away deep back and gone from you. you've not had it this time around, the comfortable guise of your body on the lines has you now. you tuck in your toes among the blanket and roll your shoulders as all remains quiet. until when you are laying in bed and a noise starts to chime you in, what a sound it is and you slowly let it guide you to it before you realize it's the alarm clock! you gotta get up! and it's going to take all you've got to go do your day. you wrestle it up and squirm and toss but your eyes start to close you take a deep breath and the sound is pushed away deep back and gone from you. you've not had it this time around, the comfortable guise of your body on the lines has you now. you tuck in your toes among the blanket and roll your shoulders as all remains quiet. until when you are laying in bed and a noise starts to chime you in, what a sound it is and you slowly let it guide you to it before you realize it's the alarm clock! you gotta get up! and it's going to take all you've got to go do your day. you wrestle it up and squirm and toss but your eyes start to close you take a deep breath and the sound is pushed away deep back and gone from you. you've not had it this time around, the comfortable guise of your body on the lines has you now. you tuck in your toes among the blanket and roll your shoulders as all remains quiet. until when you are laying in bed and a noise starts to chime you in, what a sound it is and you slowly let it guide you to it before you realize it's the alarm clock! you gotta get up! and it's going to take all you've got to go do your day. you wrestle it up and squirm and toss but your eyes start to close you take a deep breath and the sound is pushed away deep back and gone from you. you've not had it this time around, the comfortable guise of your body on the lines has you now. you tuck in your toes among the blanket and roll your shoulders as all remains quiet. until when

😳🐒  𝐒𝓵𝒶ᵖ 丅𝕙𝐞 𝓼ภØᗝⓄＺⓔ в𝕌𝔱тØ𝓷  💋♝

obviously working on something, found a toy piano that i love the sound of. just an attmept to make something with it. pretty blemished but fun. have recorded a sample library of the notes i may mess with too

toy tune 1

the timing gets flubby and i wish id had a better resolve but another layering

toy tune 2

dummy somehow exported as mono left only. reup

motormouth

am looking back at a half finished writing for a campaign of electric bastionland i wanted to run. wanted some background music.

heatsink

rain falling, having just sung a song to a robin and failing to record it, i tried to replicate it on recording and after it felt lacking i did an improvisation on the unfinished "vomitsong" "eat up fat slop" https://soundcloud.com/westernteleport/eat-up-fat-slop-work-in-progress-unfinished which has sat in my mind since the intro pops. but i havent known where to take the song. still don't but this variation i would call "more". starts at about 4:04

4.12.24 wow (draft/wip)

i resisted the urge to pitch shift and reverb it but all the harmonies i had added were also off and it feels sad now.

this song is also about overdosing on tylenol so im not going to bother saying that in person. the birds are just a bridge between dif ways to die (pun here). every night i think about the foaming tylenol vomit in the tub. it scares me.

cawcawcawcaw

pink ocean demo

ive been wanting to write a song about detransitioning or getting clocked and forced to presentations for a while and in a song i don't think had any worth in showing i just tried out, had a lyric "if you're not detransitioning are you even gay" that i want to use. it's also where the stupid "masc/mask" line that i think ive used before is in the thought of. think of it like the songs of cock ring meet a stronger feel towards the way i feel treated by others for faggot essentialism. someone in the house said a terrible thing to me today and i held my own without getting angry. but the house is unsafe for me lately. in combination of closeting for work and not working and a return to lapse of clothing for my body as it is, i feel dangerous and should seem it. i want that murder fantasy of fat girl, the betrayed self harm and showcased eating disorders of faggot girl and lbs with the desire of male order or an ever unattached lyric of "cock to cock we come for hours" and the painful emptiness of the great blu sky. i don't want to be so obviously in pain and push people away from caring about it. but who do i go to if there is no safety. some parts of this suck. i commented on the tape that "i should not release this." a better developed narrative of this would benefit itself, the "f girl songs" and entire album ideas of the great blu sky (my suicidality/ideals of heaven - staring at the sky while falling to the ground, its expanse the neverending fear) and pink ocean (a song trying to reconcile others' emotions towards harming and hurting themselves in my presence, acting in a role of caretaker - for the most part)

edit: im not "detransitioning" but have not been able to accept my face and body as i continue to dress as needed and affordable to jobs, safety and whatnot and the basis of what someone said to me was a larger part of how i processed this. when you stare at masculinity and its uses and ruminate on self mutilation you wonder if there is a point of holding any perspective other than your identities for others. something i wanted to do with "joseph" an unfinished song but part of that zine i put out the other year where it was really not what i wanted it to be.

faggot man (work in progress, unfinished demo)

i have felt horrible for half the day and in intensive pain physically plus my head to a point there was a motion to catalogue it. but i am uncatalogable. i am unable to care. i cannot and will not fix it because im too ashamed of myself. need to get over it.

j ? ? ?

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