EMERGENCY POD! What happens when you get a chance to adapt Tolkien's epic for Leningrad TV with no budget, two horses, and a prog rock band right before the fall of the Soviet Union? Khraniteli, the recently excavated 1991 2-part miniseries! It's a weird one, so buckle up, buddies!

What's Lightsabers, Precious?

WLP Episode 82 - Khraniteli (Soviet LOTR)

Did Sauron have a dad? How powerful were Chewbacca's thighs? Our hosts discuss these issues, with brief digressions into Flat (Middle) Earth Theory and the injustices of Mad Claw.

Arda map - https://i.imgur.com/1maPijp.png
Wookiee concept art - https://i.imgur.com/3O9aKn1.jpg

WLP Episode 1 - Arda/Wookiees

What happens when a giant spider suffers a nasty breakup? How many eyes does Trioculus have? All this, plus interracial romance, whale operas, and an interstellar wormhole-hopping glove.

WLP Episode 4 - Silmarils/The Glove of Darth Vader

Did Hobbits celebrate Christmas? What's in a Wookiee Cookie? The answers to these questions, plus heartwarming letters from Santa, drug-fueled Wookiee spirit journeys, and the Star Wars Christmas album.

Tolkien illustrations - https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/tolkien-favorite-father-christmas-santa-holiday-letters
Wookiee Cookies recipe - https://www.starwarsholidayspecial.com/text/wookiee-ookies.htm
Oral history of the Star Wars Holiday Special - http://mentalfloss.com/article/72863/dark-side-oral-history-star-wars-holiday-special

WLP Episode 5 - Winter Holiday Spectacular

How do you keep your bros from entering your magical Hot Babe zone? What's the one thing a Sarlaac won't eat? The answers to these questions, plus greedy Dwarves, brood pouches, and J.R.R. Tolkien's favorite shape.

First Age Middle-Earth map - https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/lotr/images/1/12/Map_of_Beleriand.jpg
Huttese Dictionary - http://www.completewermosguide.com/huttdictionary.html

WLP Episode 8 - Elves Part 3/Hutts

While Joanna is in New Zealand, we've prepared a podcast within a podcast for you - WLPRPG, the show where we play roleplaying games based on the fictional worlds our podcast dissects!  This week we're playing the Fantasy Flight Star Wars system with Ryan as game master and Joanna as Jub-Jub the force-sensitive ewok.  In part 1 of 3, Jub-Jub runs afoul of Gorja the Hutt as she and her "padawan" Skiv Darson attempt to steal a mysterious white cylinder for Willrow Hood...

More info about Fantasy Flight Games' Star Wars RPGs - https://www.fantasyflightgames.com/en/starwarsrpg/

WLPRPG - Jub-Jub's Quest, Part 1

Who's the biggest Incel in Middle-Earth? How do you get a droid cultist off your doorstep? The answers to these questions, plus Disney meta, robot hymns, and untrustworthy goth kids.

WLP Episode 10 - Fall of Gondolin/GONK

Performed by the Gonkian Droid Choir.

Songs in the Key of Gonk, Vol. 1 available here: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1CeNaQPKM0hnKLtv26sU4M38SUPP4oH3k?usp=sharing

Songs in the Key of Gonk, Vol. 1

Gonkian Droid Choir - The Gonk

Presenting "Songs in the Key of Gonk, Vol. 1", as performed by the Gonkian Droid Choir.

Track list:
01. The Gonk
02. Amazing Gonk
03. Awesome Gonk
04. Barbie Gonk
05. Cantina Gonk
06. Gonkcerning Hobbits
07. Gonke Maria
08. Gonks Just Wanna Have Fun
09. Never Gonka Gonk You Up
10. Since U Been Gonk
11. The Gonk (Reprise)

Download tracks here: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1CeNaQPKM0hnKLtv26sU4M38SUPP4oH3k?usp=sharing

Gonkian Droid Choir - Songs in the Key of Gonk, Vol. 1

What's the grisliest way to execute a Grand Moff? What was Samwise Gamgee's real name? The answers to these questions, plus the secret of Ken's parentage, a Middle-Earth culture war, and an elevator that drops you into lava.

WLP Episode 16 - Men Part 2/Prophets of the Dark Side

Who's the biggest baller in Mos Eisley? Who's the heavyweight champion of the Siege of Barad-dur? The answers to these questions, plus botched surgical procedures, Winnie the Pooh crossovers, and the big man having the rock.

Map of Arda in the Second Age (including Numenor): https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/lotr/images/4/4f/Arda_in_Second_Age.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/1000?cb=20100220150708
Map of Gondor: 
http://7a6972656f5f74637568.killerhor.net/maps/gondor_color.jpg
Map of Arnor following its division into three kingdoms: https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/lotr/images/3/3a/Map_of_the_ancient_Three_Northern_Kingdom.JPG/revision/latest?cb=20090917154704

Mos Eisley Madness gallery: https://imgur.com/a/AonMH
Mos Eisley Madness bracket: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aEoSBMGcuXG5OA-2OJwa0St2DFHxf2GD6NB7ZudPMQk/edit?usp=sharing

WLP Episode 17 - Men Part 3/Mos Eisley Madness Part 1

What happens when the Witch King's demons gentrify your neighborhood?  What's your creepy shape-shifting uncle doing all day? Answers to these questions, plus Tom Bombadil's fire tracks, Hey Chood, and other thrills and chills in our first installment of Spooky October!

WLP Episode 39 - Barrow-wights/Eaten Alive

To celebrate our one-year podcast anniversary we created a game called HOBWOKS and played it with our special guests Abbey and Jack!  Stay tuned for the Worst Name Challenge, a preview of what's to come, and completely real ads not recorded for comedy purposes!

Download HOBWOKS here: https://goo.gl/xRa8Rp

WLP Episode 45 - One Year Anniversary Special! HOBWOKS! Feat. Abbey and Jack!

Who says princesses are for girls and starfighters are for boys? Do you want an Arwen doll or an X-wing toy?  Your personal answers to these questions, plus semi-appropriate Disney songs, looking at plastic spaceships, and blowing up the Happy Meal dichotomy.

WLP Episode 47 - Princesses/Rebel Starfighters

What phat loot dropped from the 40-man raid of Dagor Bragollach? How many incredibly cool and normal dudes can one introduce in a single book?  Answers to these questions, plus Numenorian jellyfish, Breaking Bad analogies, and snacks.

WLP Episode 49 - Rhovanion/Shadows of the Empire Part 1

Just how racist is Middle-Earth?  What makes a relaxed-fit smuggler lose his swagger?  Answers to these questions, plus wepwethentatives, BEARS SHOUTING, and gross paragraphs.

WLP Episode 50 - Middle-Earth POC/Shadows of the Empire Part 2

A tribute to Mara Jade, set to the tune of Patti LaBelle's Lady Marmalade.

Lady Mara Jade

How did a fresh-faced extra launch a fandom phenomenon? Is a greedy, big-nosed human trafficker a problematic character?  Answers to these questions, plus medicine balls, vintage 2000s internet posts, and the art of the deal.

WLP Episode 67 - Figwit/Watto

How is 9/11 connected to Lord of the Rings' satantic agenda?   Is there a religion out there that allows one to wear a hood in public?  Answers to these questions, plus taking a stand, George W. Bush's magic ring, and the Dark Mageocracy.

WLP Episode 68 - LOTR and Satanism/Real Life Jedi

Rotoscoping: the economical future of animation or weird uncanny garbage?  Is using literal Nazi propaganda to represent evil a little too on-the-nose? Answers to these questions, plus butterfly balrogs, fairies vs. Hitler, and the secret origin of the WLP theme song in our NICEest episode yet.

WLP Episode 69 - Ralph Bakshi Bonanza

Did Pippin have god-like powers in the Swedish Lord of the Rings?  Who is Ratio Tile and what does he have to do with the Presbyterian Hopeless Situation Warriors?  Answers to these questions, plus Master Thief King, Reaching the West of Reaches, and some actual interesting stories from the world of language translation.

WLP Episode 70 - Translations

Regarding Sauron's rings of power, who wore it better - elves, dwarves, or men?   How do you write a low-budget sequel to one of the biggest blockbusters of all time?  Answers to these questions, plus more baffling musical cues, the dreaded return of horny paragraphs, and two separate references to Kamala Harris being a cop.

WLP Episode 71 - Rings of Power/Splinter of the Mind's Eye, Part 1

What are the secret origins of J.R.R. Tolkien's breezy children's novel "The Hobbit?"  Why should Splinter of the Mind's Eye actually be a movie?  Answers to these questions, plus pacifist coward heroes, DBZ battles, and cool teen boys at the movie theater.

WLP Episode 72 - Behind The Hobbit/Splinter of the Mind's Eye Part 2

Does Bombur have a personality besides "fat guy?"  Who's the shrewd blue dude Disney was wooed to include?  Answers to these questions, plus in-depth discussions of Force Friday, real Norwegian TV shows, and art appreciation gone wrong.

WLP Episode 73 - Thorin and Company/Thrawn

It's time to get SPOOKY! What's scarier - naked Nazgul or Clay Aiken? When will Tash Arranda learn the meaning of stranger danger?  Answers to these questions, plus THE SPARAT WALD, Boba Fett being cool, and seriously, Clay Aiken?

WLP Episode 74 - The Unseen/The Brain Spiders

How is Mordor like Florida?  How many chapter cliffhangers involving bugs can your book have before actually being scary?  Answers to these questions, plus a rare Lord of the Rings-Star Wars news crossover, Tolkien's heavy metal streak, and the return of the skimboard.

WLP Episode 75 - Mordor/The Swarm

What were Morgoth's bud holes like? What happens when you mix Titanic, 2001, and WarGames with a sprinkle of terrible decisions?  Answers to these questions, plus shilling for Disney, loving lamps, and the glorious return of Dash "The Man" Rendar.

WLP Episode 76 - Angband and Utumno/Doomsday Ship

What's the hoary history of where hobbits habitate?  What's the backstory behind the bounty hunting beskar badasses?  Answers to these questions, plus Witch-King waggery, anti-Jedi jetpacks, and yet more yarns from Yahoo Answers.

WLP Episode 77 - Arnor/Mandalorians

How was the Witch-King like Elsa?  Canonically, how many toes does a Yoda have?  Answers to these questions, plus flossing, Balto discussion, and Werner Herzog telling it like is.

WLP78 - Forodwaith/Yoda's Species

How long have Gimli and Loki been dating? How do you teach Darth Maul about Christmas?  Answers to these questions, plus pregnant Frodo, Luke Skywalker in Barbie pajamas, and other holiday tales to warm the cockles of your heart.

WLP Episode 79 - Festive Fanfic Extravaganza 2019

In this special episode, we pay respects and look back on the life and career of Christopher "Daddy's Books" Tolkien, the patron saint of the Middle-Earth half of this podcast.  Plus, important info about the future of the show!

WLP Episode 80 - Christopher "Daddy's Books" Tolkien

SPOILER WARNING!  In this special episode we talk in-depth about Rise of Skywalker and The Mandalorian, but mostly about Klaud the Banana Slug Monster.

WLP Episode 81 - Rise of Skywalker & Mandalorian Spoilercast

In this inspirational, hyper-informational encyclopodcast, husband-and-wife team Ryan and Joanna attempt to explain their respective nerd passions to each other.  Each week, Joanna schools Ryan on one topic drawn from the web's oldest J.R.R. Tolkien resource, the Encyclopedia of Arda.  In return, Ryan learns Joanna a thing or two about one topic drawn from the deliriously comprehensive Star Wars database, Wookieepedia.  Will they turn each other into Lord of the Rings and Star Wars aficionados or get swallowed alive by two of the most complex fictional universes of all time? There's only one way to find out!

What's Lightsabers, Precious?

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