I don't write enough songs

I love God, and I love music, but I don't really care to listen too much of the popular christian worship music. So I'm just trying to spread more CEDM music for those like me!

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Who you are is deeper than your hurt. Who you are is more than an ego - which is what hurt attaches to. My understanding is that Jesus transmuted our sins and overcame the enemy by recognising them, too, as loveable - through the temporary death of his self: an ego death

Hurt, sin, and separation aren't loveable from an ego perspective, but from a spiritual perspective, they are, because they're needed and beneficial: without them, we wouldn't have an individuated experience of God, individual and collective change/transformation/growth, incarnation, and the soul journey of remembering who we truly are - which is union with God. This latter one might seem counterproductive, but it's the purest expression of love and joy (which is a perspective I’m finding hard to summarise here,, lol)

These are all just my personal spiritual understandings, ofc, but maybe you’ll find authenticity and truth in them that will help you <3 <3

We are union with God right now: it is who we are fundamentally, from my experience & understanding; we’ve each just forgotten to varying degrees for a time so that we can have an individuated experience of being. We can remember by experiencing an ego death, and we can return afterwards to our individual self with this transformative remembrance

~

My understanding is that we’re each a whole identity on our own, but a partnership is a greater whole identity; a group is also a greater whole identity; and connectedness with all of life and God is an even greater whole identity. There’s always a greater ‘whole’ self to expand into ~

In healthy partnership, there’s the experience of interdependence: one person relies on the other person to support them in certain ways sometimes, and vice versa. They lighten the load of each other at needed times without expecting the other person to hold an inequitable amount of the load constantly. They each take accountability for their individual self-sustaining wholeness while being supported at times & enhanced in ways by the other within the greater whole of the relationship

Each of us might rely on the other for emotional support sometimes - like during a particularly stressful week, or to hold loving space for grief, but it’d be unfair to you if I constantly trauma dumped on you - because then I wouldn’t be taking accountability for my individual responsibility to emotionally regulate my own emotions most of the time, and you’d have to constantly manage my emotions as well as your own

I feel like you’ve been unloading a lot of your emotions onto me this year, which is partly what led to me overspilling mine last month, but I also contributed to this by not knowing how to voice my boundaries to you around this until now. Me breaking actually helped in this way by making me more aware of my own patterns and experience of our relationship, so that I can communicate them to you now

I don’t feel blame for either of us — because blame is only a form of psychological projection, anyway. It’s very normal to be unconscious to things and have wounds come up in the vulnerable sharing that happens within close relationships. All I care about is being kind to and understanding of each other <3, learning how I can support you better and you with me moving forwards, and an equal openness and willingness to grow together in these ways - or otherwise moving on if you don't want this

I won’t be writing messages to you here anymore or adding songs because of how the practical communication limitations here are negatively affecting me, but I want to stay connected and close with you now and into the future <3 if you also want this <33

I want you. I always come back to this when I reconnect with who you are among the snapshots of songs. I forgive you... and I hope you can forgive me. Just... please reach out to me. I can't stay here any longer. You're not a monster to me. You're the one I love, my friend, my protector, my inviter and invitation into wonder, and my home

I would never want you to do something you don't want to do - but this is my honesty

~

tension is who we think we should be ~ relaxation is who we are

I love you :) <3

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ngl im reviewing my notes of all I’ve wanted to say to you and it’s getting a little too ambitious - even for me - so imma share the essence of most of these in bullet point form :^)):

here is a summary of what I feel has happened (from my perspective) that’s led us to this point:

- You have, very understandably, been feeling an incredible amount from the intense and profound life changes you’ve been meeting this year <33

- I haven’t known how to communicate much of my own hurt about our situation or my general feelings related to my own life with you because I wanted to prioritise holding space for you, but it’s also been less vulnerable for me to keep some emotional distance by not sharing much of myself in doing so

- Early last month (just after I got back from Bali) I was already thinking about offering you more time after you’d agreed you’d reach out to me (with the ‘My Full Name’ song), because at the time I felt like I could handle another month or two, and I didn’t want you to feel forced or for us to start our reconnection that way. I wanted you to feel as free as possible to make that decision in your own time, and I was aware that you were (and still are) grieving and feeling pressure in your life, and I didn’t want to add pressure to you

- I interpreted your quick response (‘u kno me so well inst’ ‘tighter inst’ ‘Sudden2’) to my offer of more time as you (likely) eagerly saying ‘yes i want more time’ without considering how that would impact me - whether this is true or not. That subconsciously triggered a past wound for me, which you aren’t responsible for and have nothing to do with - and thus my personal spiral gradually began

- By the middle of last month I was realising that I’d actually reached my emotional limit on how much longer I could endure this soundcloud setup, soon after you added the ‘Wake’ song. I was trying to use the same approach I’ve been using most of this year to resolve the miscommunication ~ not sharing much of my own hurt while remaining optimistic and offering reassurances and solutions to the issue. But I’d let you in very closely when I was in Bali, and I couldn’t go back to how I was before then, and a part of me felt that, at this point, we’d built a foundation of trust that might be safe enough to support me being vulnerable. That was all it took for me to start lowering my walls… what I didn’t take into account is how months of me not communicating my general hurt would overspill in me opening up to you, which I’m really sorry for

- By the end of last month, my younger sister was going through major surgery (I was staying at the hospital and caring for her at home afterwards with my mum), and in my mind I’d jumped off a cliff in our relationship and was just hoping you’d catch me - which wasn’t the most secure way for me to view it, in hindsight lol. That time was rocky for both of us, but the overall way you responded then made things easier for me. I feel very grateful to you for that <3

- We both spiralled even further and reacted in immediate and emotionally charged ways with each other

- I remembered that breaking isn’t actually a big deal for me - I've done it many times before in my life, and I see the value in how it always helps me grow rapidly, heal, and ultimately strengthen myself with greater awareness. Sometimes something needs to die for something to begin. I can use this clarity to be better for myself and my relationships with the people I love

~~~~~~~~~~

here is how I feel (from my perspective) we can find ways to resolve it:

- i NEED to be able to communicate my hurt, boundaries, and needs to you sometimes (diplomatically and considerately) without you immediately taking personal offence or defence to them, and I want you to feel free and supported to do the same with me. My hurt, boundaries, and needs aren’t personal to you, from my perspective <3; they’re just my subjective experience and values. Creating more objective space for these to be expressed allows them to be validated and received with more empathy and clarity, which helps avoid conflict and either of us feeling unheard

- I experience that we’re both very passionate with each other, which is a beautiful thing when expressed in healthy ways. Instead of immediately expressing our raw negative emotions to each other the moment one of us has a strong reaction to the other based on assumptions, it might create more ongoing peace and emotional stability & safety for us to normalise taking some individual space for a few days before communicating those stronger feelings

When more harmful emotional reactions come up (which, I find, are usually triggered by my past wounds more than the present situation anyway), taking space allows me to reflect, emotionally regulate/process, and gain a calmer perspective on the situation so that I can communicate them with more love and objectivity. I think we’d only need to take temporary space with more harmful reactions if we did this - becuz otherwise I love emotional sharing, passion, and expressiveness d:

- You know what I think would make our relationship feel less like an illusion?~ What I think would reduce a lot of miscommunication and uncertainty about each other?~ Us regularly chatting to and video calling each other. The initial uncertainty of this feels more emotionally stable and peaceful to me in the long-term than navigating another month of misinterpretation and filling in the blanks here. I wouldn’t pin you down if you felt in this process of reconnecting that we’re on different pages - I want you to feel free and unburdened in that way. My honesty, though, is that I feel this soundcloud setup prevents us from ever knowing how authentically connected we completely are

- I also just miss you. I miss the parts of you I can’t connect with here, and the parts of you I haven’t yet connected with but want to. I love the way your mouth moves as you talk, the full shape of your lips, and how your beautiful blue eyes light up innocently or with intensity. I love how I can feel the warmth of your skin tone even from here, and how when your hair meets sunlight in photos it takes my breath away. I love seeing your frizzy hair and your sleepy eyes. I love the size of your hands, and the wonder of where all the visible moles of your body and face are placed. I love your height (it’s very hot to me, among a ridiculously large number of your qualities ~), even though I question how tall I’d look next to you lmao. I miss hearing what you have to say, your laugh, us joking around, your softness as you’re sharing something close to your heart, your everyday updates, whatever is on your mind or heart that you want to share - no matter how insignificant it seems ~

- I am requesting that we /pls/ take each other (and ourselves) a little lighter and with plenty of compassion <33. I personally feel it’s unlikely that we’ll be able to find out with certainty if we’re the love of each other’s life if we’re trying to force it or are clinging to the idea. I was trying so hard after Bali to hold onto the dream of closeness and connection I felt with you that I inadvertently suffocated it in self-made pressure. It wasn’t until I let go of us being a perfect ideal frozen in time that I found my love for you again - which has always been with me effortlessly: a real, living connection and dream instead of a perfect, imagined one

- It’s ok for either of us to make mistakes within our relationship as we go, bc I feel the goal is ongoing learning and betterment with each other and ourselves, not perfection. Consciously, I’ll always give you grace with everything

- I also feel like us communicating through DMs and video calls would make it much easier for us to express ourselves and be heard in the way we intend for each other. I've been finding it increasingly stressful to communicate with text here to you because you can’t easily ask me questions to clarify anything I’ve said, hear my tone or read my body language - which I find rapidly creates miscommunication that escalates our negative emotions and assumptions. This has only become more painful, I feel, as we’ve become more intimate with each other ;-;. Waiting for you hasn’t been hard for me <33. t’s primarily been the restricted communication of this soundcloud setup that’s been wearing me down emotionally coupled with not being able to openly communicate elsewhere with you

(Like I said earlier) I don’t think either of us is the essence of any relationship-related problem we’re facing, even though we have personal shadows that we're working through at the moment <333, because we both still want to grow personally together and move towards each other (based on how I've interpreted the songs you've added). I feel that the main problems repeatedly arising for us centre around how we’re communicating with each other - the lack of open, direct, and equally reciprocal communication that I feel would lead anyone to misinterpret what the other is expressing, make assumptions, and react from their assumptions - creating a cycle of misunderstandings and clearing up those misunderstandings

My experience has been that we’ve grown consistently closer over the last eight months despite these (pretty intense - from my perspective) communication obstacles and huge personal transformations this year <3 <3 <3 <3. Our consistent increase in closeness has given me a sense of certainty overtime that our connection is fundamentally real and genuine. Even with the challenges, I feel a natural and consistent soul and personal affinity with you :)))

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bonus things that are super attractive to me and help me feel cared for (definitely not an obligatory list ~ just descriptions of needs [which are essential to me] and preferences I have):

- Reciprocal emotional support and safety is honestly what does it for me every time [need]

- That said, accountability in actions (words/intentions matching actions), attentiveness/thoughtfulness, empathy & kindness, feeling respected & valued, feeling seen & heard, personal maturity, a baseline of close friendship, and being accommodated for in ways that matter to me are, like, the other half of that [needs]

- Having fun, talking about anything and everything, sharing interests, flirting, being generally passionate, playfulness, being ambitious/daring, valuing hopes & dreams, adventurousness & curiosity, being authentically different, a balance of complete soul-level closeness and space/independence, open-mindedness, creative intelligence, wit, valuing art & creativity, laughing together, encouraging the good in each other, valuing personal improvement, romantic gestures, shared emotional/psychological depth, and social harmony are all good things to me [preferences mainly]

- Having a desire for faith in any sense of the word - faith in God, in us, in me, in yourself. Which isn't always easy, but the draw is the main thing ~ [need/preference]

- Randomly, artistic and soulful expressions of romance - and artistic sensitivity & ability in general - make me weak. If u made me something I would keep it forever. Do with this info what u will [preference lmao]

- I feel like you already do or are much of these :)))) (which aren't the only reasons why I love you, but some of them fo sure!!!!)

- physical affection from those I love cri, which obviously neither of us can give and share with each other, at least within the nearer future

~~~~~~~~~~

From an interbeing perspective, there is no separation: your problems are my problems, and mine  are yours. This perspective helps me remember empathy and our responsibility to love one another. It reminds me that by positively changing my own way of being I can create shifts in others and in life around me that are healing and loving - like a mirror

From an individual perspective, only I’m accountable for my past wounds, triggers, and reactions (with God’s full grace), and only I can ultimately find better ways to heal and manage them now and into the future with my free will. In this same way, I’m not responsible for yours, because ultimately only you can heal and manage them with your free will ~ This perspective helps me remember personal boundaries and my responsibilities while honouring and not taking on what are ultimately the responsibilities & free will of another. This helps ground and recentre me for myself and others <3

~

I'll hold your hand <3. You're the reason I'm still here and have been here these last eight months, and you’re worth every part of it. You aren’t to blame with anything, and everything is and will be alright. Every season is needed and is beneficial ~ even winter. Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself if you can <3. I’ll add more here tomorrow <3 (I’m too sleepy to write atm)

~

I've been resorting to more compliments and appreciation for you since the end of last month because they're easy and certain to me. Communicating my boundaries and asking you to consider me in your behaviour and choices are hard for me, because I don't want to accidentally hurt you or want you to feel like I'm criticising you with them, which is never where I'm coming from or how I'm wanting to come across ;-;''

If I seemed mad in my previous message it’s not directed at you - but at this soundcloud setup and my inability to communicate my own boundaries effectively up until this point, which I feel has largely created this current situation. I’m wanting to move forwards with the energy to express myself better to you and create a better way together in collaboration w you if you're open to this

writes down everything he thinks.

Independent artist from Kzoo, MI

🔊🔊

Spirit Music Ministries is a connection point for the Christian Dance Music community! We believe that Jesus is THE ANSWER and by releasing this sound we are claiming our plow and preparing the field for the next great harvest!

✝️It’s a NEW DAY in REVIVAL✝️

We encourage artists to submit music to us. We are always looking for anointed music and love having new guests on our podcast (Music of the Spirit), radio show (Victory 91.5FM), news & spotlights. 

✉️Reach out to info@spiritmusicministries.com✉️

I don't write enough songs

Jeremy James Whitaker