fred armisen

We speak English and you understand us, but YOU speak English and we don't understand a single word you're saying, Scottish jeans. Did you ever go hoggin' back in your day? Gaping butthole photos? We cover that for you. Sometimes violence in movies and television is hysterical and we kind of disagree on that. Weigh in with your opinion, won't you? Did you know that Webster was a huge pop star in Japan? We have the never award winning audio! His voice is annoying and adorable at the same time! Coca-Cola calls its customers RETARDS and we have the proof (or was it retardED). We give you the FULL Willie Rack Em audio and Tommy hits on a sushi waitress. Remember, there's only 1 Mommy.

158-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

It sure is getting cool out there. Maybe you should add a layer of denim to your wardrobe. Music is so important to so many of us that is why we totally understand the plight of the juggalo. A juggalo is man or woman or person who wears makeup and does PCP and also cooks fried chicken. When you buy a ticket abroad - buy it for the correct country. Otherwise, you might end up visiting Christina on accident. Tommy took someone to Spain and it wasn't Tina! Listen closely to find out who and why. "Lou Reed died. Who cares" - Tom "Lou Reed influenced everything. Even my farts" - Christina. We debate who really left a mark on music, Lou Reed or Jodeci. Get that jean jacket ready!  

166-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

OMG, you guys. We got such a huge response to the Maria call that we revisit it and all its hilarity. According to Christina, Tommy doesn't show much excitement about anything. Well, that is, until you propose that he might be able to get away with murder! That's a fun scenario that we break down because everyone wants to do it, don't you agree? Tina and Tommy also talk about going back in time and what they would do if they could take each other on a first date knowing what they know now. As you can imagine, it's quite romantic. We read a listener email that asks the HARD questions. Do we answer them? Oh yeah. What would you do if you had 6 months to live? We do it real big. Tina has opened a savings account to go to space. Please donate. 

180-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Oratio

Dj Omonoia - Mirror

14 trapdoors is Short Moscato, bendyface & Wza
produced, mixed & mastered by 14 trapdoors.

LYRICS
VERSE 1
bendyface: Cerebral Knievel / delinquent attire I’ll eat what’s illegal
SHORT: You starving i feed you/ A martian, I'm Marvin / I foster the people
WZA: pray in cathedrals / our president’s skin the same color as Cheetos
bendyface: Seance in steeples / practice on planets spread madness to people
SHORT: Go gollum from Smeagol/ Go prequel to sequel / He howl like a beagle
WZA: Resident evil/ people throw shade like a fucking gazebo

HOOK: Lord I’m drunk on that holy water, holy water, holy alter /
Got 2 tenths that I’m rollin off of, rollin off, I’m a flyin saucer
REPEAT ONCE

VERSE 2
SHORT: Rhymes in the mind / Designed to climb mountains / Find my accountant / Hiding inside ounces
WZA: Find drug bags inside of my couches / cheez in the trap to occupy mouses
bendyface: Try psilocybin, climb and slide down it / high 5 hours, find where my crown is
SHORT: Time will define and shine / But i doubt it / Powdered up pouches tucked in my trousers
WZA: My word’s bond but most can't pronounce it / When times get tough i smoke my way out it
bendyface: Mind in the matrix, I’m inside slouchin' / Karma’s a snitch so I won’t lie bout it

HOOK

VERSE 3
WZA: Stackin speakers like totem poles/ share snot rags with the holy ghost
bendyface: I got tattered t-shirts but i'm cozy tho / And this blotter paper make you Do-si-do
SHORT: Yeah, Italian features and a cokey nose / Rapping creature
Bumping counting crows
WZA: Rollin hard, couple bowlin' balls / Shot as fuck once the morning calls
bendyface: Yea your mother’s mother is a gloryhole / And I’m matchin' lines with Pinocchio
SHORT: And I fucked my teacher but no one knows / She gave me F’s / Guess she blessed my soul

Holy Water

Holy Water (prod. by 14 trapdoors)

We had a construction team lay a new foundation in our studio so that our latest guest could be dropped in via crane. Bert KKKreischer, the notable, shirtless comedian and podcaster stops by with PLENTY of drinks for a sizeable party (but it's just him drinking).  Lets be clear about something, BERT is NOT a NAZI. That doesn't stop us from having a blast with our dear friend. Every time Bert stops by we make memories that will last a lifetime.  Be sure to watch Bert's specials, Secret Time and now The Machine both available on NETFLIX.

488-Bert Kreischer-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Tom sits alone and reveals how much of a struggle it was to get the equipment working in the first podcast from the MommyDome. Tom plays a phone call he recorded with his friend, Steve as they recall a drug deal from their youth. The full story of the drug deal is in detail on Episode 185 of The Joe Rogan Experience. Tom plays a few Would You Rather's and flogs himself for his technical shortcomings. Christina is in San Jose, so this one is all Tommy Mommy. 

Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky & Tom Segura Episode 41

Listen, Mommies. It will be tough to top last weeks monumental achievement in podcasting, but we are going to "Try It Out." This week we meet a man who Duncan Trussell exposed Dr. Drew to recently. He's definitely a Cool Guy. Tom celebrated his 40th birthday, what did Christina get him?? A chain or a private jet?? Doug Mellard got ALL of us the gift of a weird Happy Birthday serenade. Christina had a shower revelation that even bewilders the Cockroach himself. Since we had Robert Paul Champagne on the Podcast he has been live streaming quite a bit. We review some of his recent posts and then give him another call. That's right, Robert Paul Champagne is BACK!  Also, the legendary Dane Cook is on the couch ready to "Try It Out." Dane and the Mommies reminisce about old times at Dublin's in Hollywood and Dane goes through the roller coaster that he experienced while reaching heights of fame few ever get to know. He goes in depth about his brother stealing from him and his reasoning for improvising his special that was taped in Madison Square Garden "Rough Around The Edges." Also, Dane experiences a member of "The Cool Girl Club" and "Horrible or Hilarious." Next in the Mommydome is comedian Ryan Stout. Ryan can't smell anything, he literally has no sense of smell. The Mommies ask Ryan all the important questions involved with not being able to smell a fart or otherwise. Ryan brings up the "Maplethorpe Exhibit" and if you know what that is, you know what that is...  Plus Mommy Tina thinks airpods looks like something coming out of your ears. Do you know what she thinks it looks like??? Don't forget to get Ryan's new album, Man in the Suit. NOTE: Every guest of YOUR MOM'S HOUSE Podcast is INVITATION ONLY. No guest is welcome with out a formal invitation from The Mommies. Dane Cook, Ryan Stout and Robert Paul Champagne have all been certified, invited guests. Thank you.

497-Dane Cook & Ryan Stout-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

HELLO, MOMMIES! We're still reeling from all of the Robert Paul Champagne memes and content you've made for us. It's been overwhelming in all the best ways. Tom and Christina review some of the reaction to RPC coming on the show the last two weeks. Have you ever had a fart bully in your life? Is Emma Stone hot enough to be cast as Ryan Gosling's love interest? The Mommies debate. Next, Josh Potter is on the couch to wet our whistle for our first guest, Sera Gamble. Josh tells some wild stories of cyber stalking and is presented with a proposition by the Main Mommies. After hearing about some cyber stalking tales, Sera Gamble (writer and creator of "YOU") is in studio to give her insight into cyber stalking and how "Joe" in YOU has implemented social media to become a stalker. Sera also gives us some teases about the upcoming season of YOU and the story of getting the show out to the masses. Next, he played for the Seattle Seahawks, New Orleans Saints, Miami Dolphins and The New England Patriots, but more importantly, he played against Tom in High School. It's fullback and broadcaster Heath Evans! Heath and Tom reminisce about their time in high school and the small differences in their athletic career, plus Heath has some great stories from his NFL days about Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and Randy Moss.

498-Sera Gamble & Heath Evans-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Saddle up, mommies! The Main Mommies got horses in the back! It's time for some Pony Play fun! Mommy Tina isn't just a regular mom, she's a COOL mom and she's discovered TikTok. There are some special people on there for sure. Many listeners/viewers have chimed in about Christina's weird lack of drying off and we also have a new Fart Simpson call! Plus, farts, John Travolta and a scandal regarding one of Tom's trademarked phrases! Next, joining us in studio is the duo behind the H3H3 Productions, Ethan and Hila Klein! They talk about their H3 baby that's due any moment and all the pregnancy weight gained by the husbands. Mommy Tina's love for BBC leads to a discussion about racism in pornography and would you rather be blind or have a micropeener? Ball Hogs, plastic surgery and H3's "Instagram vs Reality" controversy all get discussed, plus SO much more!

499-Ethan & Hila Klein-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Will young voters push Democrats to victory in 2020? Joey Garrison from USA Today gives us a look.

Young voters helped push Democrats to victory in 2018. Can they swing the 2020 vote?

President Trump&rsquo;s 2020 State of the Union address might have been the best ever given. But many Democrats refused to stand even for points they agreed with! Glenn speaks with Reps. Thomas Massie and Chris Stewart to discuss the hostile atmosphere in the room, Speaker Pelosi&rsquo;s handshake &ldquo;attempt,&rdquo; and her speech rip. And Rebel Media founder Ezra Levant discusses how his book, &ldquo;The Libranos,&rdquo; exposes the death of Canadian independent journalism at the hands of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. He was interrogated by federal investigators and secretly recorded the whole thing!

488-Bert Kreischer-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

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