we survive and LIVE in spite of it all, forever and always

PRESENTED BY DOLLHAVEN ETERNAL AUTUMN

written by my love @magpyee:
Your flesh against mine reminds me softly that I am here. Your inviting gaze tells me to hold on, your whole being urges me to continue. My mind tortured me with the desire to fall apart, and the desire to work even harder. My cells shook and crumbled under the agony of existence, but you; you, my love, you are the sunlight on my skin reminding me I am alive. You are the wind in my hair, the grass under my feet. You are my sole reason for not suffering deeply in the dark of the shadows of my own mind. I will crawl, I will kick, I will scream, and I will bleed just to get out of this pit and fall into your arms. Hold me forever and I will be okay.

@childboykil - @zumtru:
To those who have stuck by me and kept me somewhat sane while working on this album, thank you. The fatigue that hit as soon as I finished Lullaby hit me like a truck, but there's still more to go and I'm excited. If you're reading this, I appreciate you.

¬ thanks & commendations ¬
Album cover painted by one of the people I appreciate most, my mother, Amanda Jane Kelly. Without you quite literally this would not be possible, thank you for trying, thank you for fighting tooth and nail to bring me into the world, I hope I make you proud.

And I need to thank my father, I am forever grateful for you, for trying so hard to find a way to bring me to fruition. I know it wasn't easy for either of you and I hope I make you both as proud as I possibly can. You are the best parents I could ask for. 

Thank you to my wonderful sibling who always finds a way to bring me joy, one of the kindest spirits I know. You will go so far and I will do everything I can to assure that your future is bright.

 I am thankful to have made this album under my parents' roof, my success is only possible with their undying and relentless support and generosity and their drive to give me the best life they possibly can.

And of course thank you to all my peers in @dollhavenn , you are all going to go far, I know it. We will create something truly beautiful with doll.network and our Eternal Autumn. Keep creating as passionately as you already are, you are all in DHEA for a reason. 

From mother Éire to the world 🇮🇪🐦‍⬛ 


Seasamh, Duir huath Eabhadh 🍂⛪️

Heart, Soul + Spirit

vocals by @doin-fine 
production by @dawnyicks

talkin' w/ doin' fine (+dawn yicks)

art by loni

order:
blissful fields - chorus
zumtru
soup
zombae
vex
blissful fields - chorus
blackwinterwells
heartavi
bp iv
tim lake
elsie
blissful fields & zumtru - chorus
zumtru & blissful fields outro

DRIVE THRU (burger cypher)

friends

trendsetter

@painprism
@zombaewalk
@dawnyicks
@infinitymeter

reborn w/ PAINPRISM & zombAe (+dawn yicks & tim lake)

same place

talk 4 no reason

#holyguardianangels +princess

Spotify

eulogy w/ wirecutter

@blackwinterwells

lyrics:
what u say what u be
gotta sign my death note
sniff a bump off my keys
i'll never let go 

iced out in the winter
but with that snow
snow like my ice
my diamonds on froze

new life, new place
i put it up, i betray
you never let me get in the way
keep my flames lit
im flames
and you say nothing 
because i mean nothing
you never let me get in the way
keep my flames lit
im flames

try to say what u mean
im sniffing that snow
try to spend all my cash
but im not that rich bro
if you dont like my stuff
dont be an asshole
ill beat u up 
and steal all ur gas hoe

Snow (blackwinterwells)

steep (ProdMoxy)

~~1:1 written a year apart~~

denial & acceptance

[@zumtru, guided by @magpyee]
lyrics:
im just doing what im supposed to do
brother in the back with a bunch of tools
feeling too sick, i cant go to school
feeling too sick like i got the flu
new clip like im supposed to shoot
aim it at your head like i hate you
i been in the back with a bunch of tools
build a new heart, build a love that's true

i just hate what i cannot lose
- "do you love me?"
"i dont know if i do"
try another push, im supposed to shoot
do you blame me if i hate what you do?

im just doing what im supposed to do
build a new bond, that's a link in the loop
try to keep pushing til i cannot lose
will you blame me if it never comes true?
still sick, i've still got the blues

blue blood, there's some red in that bruise
save a space, if you've got the room
load a new clip but I'll never shoot

Push

underwhelming, felt so thankless
give it up, your god's so restless
nothing's worth it
try then im sick
just for once, give up your burdens

eyes pierce the night
godless for once, that's my alibi
something's wrong, we cant synchronise
kiss me once and ill see the light
its something new to me
caustic love, taint my eulogy
sacrificed, would you bleed for me
most unloved, yeah usually..
you live a thankless life
up from dawn, i cant sleep at night
live for love or just live for life
electric hums from a plastic mind
believe what you can see
dont trust me, not totally
my lies are sharp, when i speak, you bleed
dont trust a soul, i trust the leaves

thankless

im back to basics
left me to face it
vomit taste like vodka
no water left to chase it
everything you know about me
is just some lame shit
im left with nobody
trust me to fake it

never say you want me
puppet hands above me
guidance cursed with sharp teeth
love me til its ugly
never say you want me
puppet hands above me
guidance cursed with sharp teeth
love me til its ugly

i cant stand it, im a loser right now
lift me up, grab my hand or ill drown
im scared to lose it now
im scared to lose it now
as i stand up, blurry vision 
fell down, lift me up 
ill get better somehow
im scared to lose you now
im scared to lose you now

love me til its ugly

you, everything you wanted
wasn't you
don't you wish you could be
something more than you

i dont mean a thing
put a lot on me 
but im not everything
i dont go anywhere
watch me dissolve
let me brush your hair

feel the needle sting
prophet for god
let the angels sing
let them watch and stare
fuck them all
you wont go anywhere

you don't need a thing
feel your essence for once
hear your ears start to ring
they'll hate you out there
judge them more
then you wont rly care

but you need everything
take it all
you're an evil thing
and when there's no one left
don't come back 
please save your breath

needle sting

what will i be
just a message left unseen
you violate me, violate me
lost in my dreams
lay foundations, set the scene
how long will this performance be
how long will we be acting

lift my head as i choke
let my blood become your own
silver teeth dressed in rose
i know nothing on my own 
let me bleed in your clothes
dress me up, im yours to own
you demean, free my soul 
let your patience have no hold

oh to be anything
dreaming, yearning, breathing

i want to be anything
i know nothing on my own

let me bleed 
please let me bleed
you've done so well
now u can leave
how long will this have to be
how long will you live anxiously
and in my head i see your ghost
please tell it once that you can go
a taste of blood floats down my throat
from all the wishes u let go

i know nothing on my own

Produced by me

Intro Sample: DJ Paul & Juicy J Ft. Kingpin Skinny Pimp - Everything Is Business (1993)

Dollhaven 2024, nothing else, nothing less

lyrics:
I'll take a stand for once,
Grit my teeth while I'm holding my tongue.
Feelings out of place,
New clique for another day.
Say I'm special, don't lie to me,
Look me up, there's so many just like me.
I've been trying to make you like me,
But you're looking just like me.

Stand down, hold it down,
Grit my teeth, I'll keep holding my frown.
It's a cold place,
Go away, look at me, I'll look the other way.

Let me down, let you drown,
Hold onto me, there's a hole in the ground.
I'm gonna stay in place,
In the same place.

Take a stand for once,
What am I feeling, I'll just hold my tongue.
Gonna stay in place, new clique for another day.
Say I'm special, don't like me,
You say I'm special, don't like me.
I'll kill them all, kill them all,
Likely, there's so many people,
It's so unlikely.

hold my tongue

[zumtru]
Can't see them, could be anyone
You'll show the truth if they show you love
There, lightning strikes another one
I'm bleeding out, where have you gone?

A bleeding wound, expensive words
If I tell you the truth, would you tell me worse?
Can't reach out, I know it hurts
Can't reach out, it would be much worse

Live how I live
And you'll die how I'll die
I know the act's washed up
My performance is done

And I'll never see the spotlight

[murrumur]
Another stage, another play
Audience will clap until it's fake
But it's just another day
Another song
I'm out of shit to say

You treat me like a castaway
You'd pass me by until I pass away
Which happened yesterday
I shot my shot, it ricocheted

For you I'm made of clay
And every wound is like a scrape
All my wounds are held by tape
Atlas with the world's weight

I'm battered and I'm weathered
All the weather serves to remind me of my place
The cold's my ankle fetters
Snow's a coffin, pillow feathers

My words flew south back in November
Keep my mouth shut, I know it's better
To lose my thoughts and not remember
Severed limbs and checkered patterns

My circuits have been tampered with
Power supply is on the fritz
Massacre my thoughts in color
Fuck it all, I'm missing textures

live how i live w/ murrumur

barely had to wake up
i know that it's hard, love
but i dont wanna go back to bed again

it's getting hard to stay up
listen as you look up, 
you mean so much more to me than them

moving close, a shadow
undisclosed, lock away your soul

the real me could be anything
that's my destiny
and it's hard to believe 
im here right now
of all the lives that i could lead
they could be anything
im so glad this is the one that i have found

Shadow

eulogy as it was originally recorded at its original tempo and pitch in 2022.

vocals by zoey
production by ashley

eulogy (og ver.) 2022 - 2024

What you wanna say I don't make you feel okay?
No I can't demonstrate these feelings, go away
We'll never be the same
What you wanna say I don't make you feel okay?
No I can't demonstrate these feelings, go away
We'll never be the same

Behind me, you like me
Bedroom like a crime scene
You're resting beside me
Touch your skin so lightly
I lied, I tried to do anything
This love we had, it meant nothing

Say What

I see just what you do
what you're like on the face
a foggy sort of hue
a serrated razorblade
forgetting what to do 
its so simple to fake
with no choice at all
 you undermine your grace

our love was built particularly
listen out how it sings
I need structures to burn down things
so many chances to get my wings 
only to god do my nightmares sing
a reflection of everything
I like you in a certain way
im challenged by the things you say
I had you but that wasn't enough
you're delighted to be my crush

I see just what you do
but I cant hold you
I felt your sort of hue
a serrated razorblade
forgetting what to do 
its so simple to fake

So Simple

produced by @hekatestation

visuals: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbRpLM3zg90

hoods up, never show our faces
metal down to my feet, you cant take this
i keep knocking at your door, you wont answer
too sick, barred up, mental cancer

i feel like myself
myself is nothing to be proud of
quit life for my health
bleed more, encore with the lights off
you keep talking to yourself
the way you act is nothing to be proud of
send the spirits back to hell
my god, im nothing when im off one

i feel like myself
myself is nothing to be proud of
quit life for my health
bleed more, encore with the lights off
i feel no sense of self
is it wrong that there's nothing to be proud of
for my art, lose myself
im lost, neurosis, send the kites up

myself (soul mix) [reimagined by hekate]

Thought I could be,
but I'm completely over taken by the choices I make
You see, I hesitate and I'm completely overrated, 
you're completely overtaken by me

I thought I could see,
but I'd fall to their illusions
I am nothing but a man, 
It's funny, I thought I was great,
but I define myself completely by the choices that I make

Why? Why are you so delusional?
Why do you still live through it all?

I thought I could see,
but I'd fall to their illusions
I am nothing but a man, 
It's funny, I thought I was great,
but I define myself completely by the choices that I make

Good Friday, 1994

wash my hair
drown my face
winter comes with no disgrace
and my only hope is that i wake
my only hope is that i wake alone
now im gone, i dont know
when winter comes
so i get up late and wash my face
summer comes with no disgrace
and my only hope is that i live
my only hope is that i live again
with my friends, ill never end
i wont decay, ill live my way

sun doesn't shine nearly half as bright
and i wake in the morning every night
and my dreams aren't the same as i describe

sun doesn't shine nearly half as bright
and i wake in the morning every night
and my dreams aren't the same as i describe

barely barely, so what's the point of living
do you still love me deeply? then what's the point of dying
if you're just gonna save me, you know I love you baby
you know I love you baby and nothing can take that from you

wash my hair
drown my face
winter comes with no disgrace
and my only hope is that i wake
my only hope is that i wake alone
now im gone, i dont know
when winter comes
so i get up late and wash my face
summer comes with no disgrace
and my only hope is that i live
my only hope is that i live again
with my friends, ill never end
i wont decay, ill live my way

im not allowed to be talking right now
since you've been out ive been down, and that's been bothering me
you've been the best type of friends i could ever have
and these words don't make much sense
but that's been bothering me

am i alive or is this a delusion of the mind?
it's so hard to think sometimes, its so hard to think sometimes

safe piano (recovery)

[written 5 years ago as '27 yr' this is me harmonizing with myself at 16 years old]

I don't do shit, I don't listen
There's a gun stapled to my best friend
and I don't hear a thing when I shoot it 
I just close my eyes and let it ring
Gun to my forehead, I don't care
You can take my life, I don't care

Shoot me, Shoot me in my head
Sooner or later I'll be dead
Under 27 years and I'll be dead

[Daniel Johnston]
"....that would have to be the Incredible Hulk, I'd love to be the Incredible Hulk, 'cause nobody could win against me and I'd smash them all and I think it'd be a lot of fun..."

Take all you want my best friend
You've given me so much but I'm at my end
and when the curtains close I'll keep you there
Inside, I'll keep you alive
I'll keep you alive

Take all you want my best friend
You've given me so much but I'm at my end
and when the curtains close I'll keep you there
Inside, I'll keep you alive

There's a gun stapled to my best friend
and I don't hear a thing when I shoot it 
I just close my eyes and let it ring
Gun to my forehead, I don't care
You can take my life, I don't care

Shoot me in...in my head
Sooner or later I'll be dead
Give me 27 years and I'll be dead

incredible hulk

set up man, i feel betrayed
playing with guns but you wont play
lighting strikes twice everyday
its a silver bullet in my brain
is this life man, i cant say
is this something, i cant say
its up to you almost everyday

i dont want to feel but i know that i have to
i dont wanna kill but i know i wont have to
something there was real (x3)
i latch onto that because i have to

flesh & ether

lullabies
let it all rot
caught you slipping
am I wrong?
I can't help. will you stay strong?
I sing a love song
I cant do this alone

hurt yourself less
what have you got left
except a lack of respect
I mean I can't do wrong
That means I can't move on
there's a sickening thought
adds a sadness to it all

I mean I'm one of a kind
that means you're part of it all
I overanalyze your thoughts
That means it's something divine
or maybe nothing at all
I think I've finally lost the plot

lullabies
let it all rot
caught you slipping
am I wrong?
I can't help. will you stay strong
I sing a love song
I cant do this alone

underwhelming
understanding
nothings nothing
i cant stand it


lullabies
was it all wrong
scared im sinking
am I? I don't know 
I need help, but im not strong
ill find a way out
you slipped out of my arms

eulogise
i think that you forgot
im scared its nothing
but im paranoid
I can't help it, lets move on
i'll say a thing later
last words til i pass on 

hurt yourself less
what have you got left
except a lack of respect
I mean you can't do wrong
That means I can't move on
there's a sickening thought
adds a sadness to it all

I mean I'm one of a kind
that means you're part of it all
I overanalyze your thoughts
That means it's something divine
or maybe nothing at all
I think I've finally lost the plot

let it all rot
caught you slipping
am I wrong?
I can't help it, lets move on
ill find a way out
you slipped out of my arms


let it all rot

lullaby

It's hard to be honest.
I'm sure I'm right.
I feel one day these won't be lies.
Search for a mountain top,
Something someone like me could climb.

Do you feel happy wasting time?
Debating destruction in your mind?
It's never too late to walk.
For everyone's sake, please don't be kind.

Leave it now.
He'll be fine.
He'll be alright.
Scrapbook god, make it mine.
Been up all night.

Honestly, yes, no, maybe.
You've not been like yourself lately.
Honestly, do you hate me?
I'm starting to think I drive you crazy.

Scrapbook God

producer, mix & master + artwork: @hekatestation

dollhaven eternal autumn <3

still asleep but I've been up for weeks
in the mud, I'm dirtying my jeans
angelic speak, rinse and repeat
you're a waster, never meant to be

I'm a sinner, admit it before
lost my heart in the back of the car
it's been a long hard road
been afraid to walk
cut my limbs and I bent the saw

occult vision that I've seen it before
always been the one that I never could fault
angels speak inside the grimoire
fight's outside but inside it's war

occult vision that I've seen it before
articulate but I butcher my thoughts
lost in the dark, I created my fall
eternal speech, it's a sign to come forth

occult

A Beast I Never Want To Meet w/ blackwinterwells

27 yr

spaceship w/ zaf +wirecutter

Leave Me w/ 8485

you'll know +princess

open-minded, peaceful, loving
🇮🇪
@dollhaven

seosamh@doll.network

zumtru

Pinned to spotlight

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