never been so close, yet so far away
you wait for diamonds, you wonder if you started to late
you face the monsters they keep getting inside your way
and on and on everybody tells you the same thing
and on and on you tell everybody the same thing
it takes you over, you feeling so drained
afraid and scared, your weak but strong
and you cant take it, tell yourself just go another day

im tired, far gone
i wonder, how long
it really takes
if i sing a song
was this my calling all along?
i'm overwhelmed with feelings i can't proccess
obsessed with being perfect
don't wanna look stupid
if you don't wanna look like a dumbass don't do anything at all

not smart enough for this
you told me back when i was small
every word has a consequence
feel those words when you grow tall

yes i been waiting so long, i tried everything
tried everything, everything seems to go wrong

i never focused on important shit like my music
or songs, i put myself into other ventures i spent 
months on too long.

i hate the idea.. that i wasted so much time, some
people wanna get out the rough so they resort to crime

but i did the hard thing everyday and i saw naught
a dime i got returns i ain't give a fuck about
and tons of wasted time

i just want to be a musician


im tired, far gone
i wonder, how long
it really takes
if i sing a song
was this my calling all along?
i'm overwhelmed with feelings i can't proccess
obsessed with being perfect
don't wanna look stupid
if you don't wanna look like a dumbass don't do anything at all

not smart enough for this
you told me back when i was small
every word has a consequence

im tired, far gone
i wonder, how long
it really takes
if i sing a song
was this my calling all along?
i'm overwhelmed with feelings i can't proccess
obsessed with being perfect
don't wanna look stupid
if you don't wanna look like a dumbass don't do anything at all

not smart enough for this
you told me back when i was small
every word has a consequence
feel those words when you grow tall


When I Grow Up

DISK lnetdios hfk3uicmasrin

Five (Intro)

Fymelos 4

The Needle (Long Time)

ever since i was little boy i had a knack
for technology so let me emphasize that 
i couldn't tie my shoes but knew to work a trackpad
so i never ran but run to %appdata%
i learned shit i had no idea would change me 
pivot and youtube, dimensions of opprotunity
got lost for hours crafting my little movies 
id bring a stick figure to life in 24 fps 420p
years later macbook gave me the itch for
playing with photobooth warping inverting these pictures
making shows and skits that shit me and my kin we lived for
till i found garageband, played a note,shook up my entire fucking world

placing pretty loops
infinite fun
wicked patterns
guitars and drums
the pc's where it all began
my mama saw my mama knew
it changed that kid inside of me
i found it here and so did you
 
money is low, dad's gone, no food
and it was hard on my mom, and hard on me too
i washed myself in a bucket with water boiled
on an electric stove in the morning before i went to school
i transfered into homeschooling, unsure at what time 
i had a tower for myself and this entire world is mine
it launched a full scale assault on my motherfucking mind
and the next 7 years would shape the rest of my life
i saw everything, everything that i could
its at the tip of my fingers if i will it i would want it and i'll take it for good
it curbed the pain in my heart, but never cured it
this pain runs deeper than i thought, but i was stupid
tryna fill a void i that was unaware of
depression filled my soul like grimy moldy bathtub
my curious mind got the better of me 
when you live in disfunction you grow disfunctional enthralled by tragedy
women shitting in cups and swallow it up
or gag on a dick, drown in cum thats how grown ups have fun
and i saw two men brutally fuck eachother and my child mind couldnt comprehend anything that was going on

i didn't even wanna see it. 
ill forever regret it 
and never forget it 
always in my head
i was tangled in the spiders web
unsupervised and mama knew
raped that kid inside of me
grew up too fast and so did you

Budd Dwyer (Suicideweb)

i tried to kill myself one time, 
cause my shitty life,
house caped in dirt, 
and the smell of sewage pipes
and grandma loved the tv, 
yeah she loved criminal minds
she was filled with anxiety 
pushed it on me now so am i
i dreamed of genuine connection, 
but my grandma was too afraid
i wasnt allowed to make any friends, 
till i worked at chick fil a
and every job after that, instilled paranoia in my mind
overstimulated, thoughts ran rampant at the front of the line, thats why i considered suicide

(i am a man in a mortal body who will die)

so i talked online on chatrooms
i met a girl round my age
and we talked and we laughed
turned into a community
and we had so much fun
over online roleplay
just unsupervised preteens
we all one in the same
and me and that girl man nigga we was real close
and she showed me her friend, 
and when her sister got kidnapped i was there giving her hope
and her sis was the goat,
these was 3 friends i loved them all like my sisters you know
but one got distant overtime and started real strange
they started dating a girl that abused them everday, so they say
and they say they was raped by that hoe
you'd probably believe it too, you'll never guess what i wrote.
we all trusted those words, but
events lead to suspicions
dissapeared and acted real cryptic
and then came forward a witness
"your friends they never existed"
nigga you gotta be kidding
hated himself, playing these characters
he got too deep in it. 

butterfly, carbon, bone, 
nitrogen, oxygen
water, flower, sulfur, 
sodium, sperm cell
iodine, flourine, cancer cell
parasite, worm, magnesium,
soil, maggots, flies

you hate yourself so you play characters in fear
you're more afraid of living than dying, aint that weird?

instinct to survive
eat, bleed and die
1 mouth and 2 eyes
fractalized
and we'll never get the joke

or

when the eagle spots the frog
swoops down like a bullet train
and the frog impaled inside it's claws
still breathing, swallowed whole
our worlds so far apart

do you have visions of demons
"kings that rule over 60 legions"
you're jewish im hindu
you're muslim im christian
single common denominator, afterlife
"im scared of what they think"
but why should you care anyway
cause what the fuck does it matter you're closer to dust
everyday than you were yesterday

Single Common Denominator

But once again I'm at the end of my rope
Im waiting for a light but afraid I'll end up broken
Too late to bite my tongue know I should've never spoke
Until I bite right through then it always ends up spoken fuck
Then once again I'm at the end of my rope
Steady running through a drain just to feel I'll end up broken
Too late bite my tongue steady holding out for hope
Until I bite right through then it always ends up spoken

I want play a game we never learned to play
But everybody's capable of change
And I say it again "why cant you love me yo ?"
And you say it again
"100,000 of my scars still aint show
I lay awake upon my coffin you know
I just beg that you fucking stop it just show
That love is patience if it's absent let go"
No I can't, no I won't!
Are you really who you act you are?
do you feel anything when you cry?
Or did you improvise from the start?
Refuse to learn from your past, from your words, but you know that I love when it hurts

But once again I'm at the end of my rope
Im waiting for a light but afraid I'll end up broken
Too late to bite my tongue know I should've never spoke
Until I bite right through then it always ends up spoken fuck
Then once again I'm at the end of my rope 

Well once again I'm at the end of my rope
I think I found a light ill tape together if its broken
This time i bit my tongue know I should've never spoke
Until I bite right through it just remember I'm a human fuck 
Then once again I'm at the end of my rope
Heart racing like a train cause I almost fucking lost it
If I can't shut the fuck up just promise you'll stay patient

End of My Rope

wake up wake up
wake up wake up
tired of it tired of it
tired of it tired of it
wake up wake up
wake up wake up
tired of it tired of it
tired 

don't take me out of my zone
don't pull me out of my home
please fucking leave me alone
just fucking leave me alone
i had fun for a long time, but work is all i do
i got bills i gotta pay for, didn't know when i was 2 
i wish that i was older, now look at me and you
this is just what we wished for, let me start off with you
where is the passion where is the drive
he said he be a firefighter when he was 5
now you best get up off his block before you fuckin die
every woman to him a bitch, at 25
yuh where is the passion where is the drive
he said he'd be a famous artist when he was five
now he working inside an office at 25
at least he'll retire with a pension at 65
then theres a one in a milli motherfucker you see
building wealth off insecurity
and affirmation "i'm gon make it out"
they know when they get lost in they own house
might get lost in my closet, might not find my way out
scared of my closet, might not find my way out

how old was you when you first heard, a victim cry out for help
maybe it was the young you banging van doors tryna get out
this rotten and cold world we learned of way too young 
to the kid in us, we cant get back, those times we had to ourself
how old was you when you learned the world's filled with scum
with rapists and pedophiles and billionares with insane funds
its crazy how a kid can never be a kid, nigga we grow up
before we grow up 
its fucked up how we grow up cause nobody really ever grew up
they told us 2 + 2 is four
we learned to make some friends and more
when it was cute for you to beg
just worried when we'd scrape our leg
when we first learned to ride a bike
when tried to fly a kite  
ours popsicles melted in the sun
this summer should last forever
at 3 am the day was young
up on the console all night long 
scared of the dark, made you wanna scream
then found out liveleak was a thing
now we search for love in broken hearts 
pray that a nigga not tryna start
if you gotta turn a nigga to absract art
kill or be killed, nigga dog eat dog
far in the past when we were one
till we forgot how to have fun
life stripped us down we cry for help
and refuse to look into ourself 
nigga we was kids, we was young
we all grown up lets have some fun
imma pour a drank, and hit this L
cause i cant look into myself 

years before that suicide, 
jessie and sammy played a game called it "don't scream or cry" 
jessie lead sammy far away and got his way that night
jessie planted a slimy seed deep into sammy mind
grow into a tree of weeds pestilince and flies
the kid is rotten rotten rotten rotten deep inside
why'd jesse do that, jessie killed that kid
jessie is scary, you cant tell no one what jessie did
jessie is family, jessie's a friend
jessie, jessie's a monster, sam trusted him
when sammy's asked about him sammy lies
when sammy thinks about him sammy cries
sammy the monsters gone now
and if youre still afraid of monsters 
just cover your eyes.

Jessie and Sammy

we're everything that we oughta be
we're really made of nothing entierly
we're disgusting, pathetic, then inspiring
so many of us cry so silently
nature provides no mercy its reality
we hide ourselves from eachother so quietly
we evoled into creatures ever socially
yet we push ourselves away from eachother
have you ever held the hand of your brother?
do you ever tell your mother that you love her?
before you know it they're gone
and you're next on the list
time keeps moving along
you'll regret so much shit
before you know it you're gone
the hourglass never flips
time keeps moving along
you'll regret so much shit

and i'm not too lo-ost, for you
but i been fucking torn apart
and i'm not too lo-ost, for you
but i been fucking torn apart

it was 2023, i came home in an uber
i hugged my mom and my gramps asked me for a favor
i heard his voice through his door and i'd abide the request
next morning was a morning id never forget
it was 7 am, i jumped out of my sleep
my mom yelling at the top of her lungs frantically
i was frightened, i noticed the pain in her eyes
my grandfather was hit by a van and he died 

and i'm not too lo-ost, for you
but i been fucking torn apart
and i'm not too lo-ost, for you
but i been fucking torn apart
know it haunts me 
night and morning
to bring you back
id do anything
im so sorry
so so sorry
im sorry, sorry, sorry
 
no i aint have no father growing up
and i was scared to put my gramps in front
and when my grandpa passed i realized
that my one and only father died
time be creepin so slow, you'll become one with the earth
if you not urgent with shit you'll keep living with hurt
so look yourself in the mirror, tell yourself one time
"im no more than a man and one day i will die"

and i'm not too lo-ost, for you
but i been fucking torn apart

All Father (Zygotebirth)

Nah i won't play with a nigga
You gotta pay for a nigga
How tf you say you won't gimme bread
But mad i wont hop on a feature
gramps passed if you don't know
cause of that fact, money comes slow
so i made a choice, "imma make it out"
in the next bar nigga here we go.

1 week i was my own boss
i was this close, had it all.
then crash i felt my heart tear
smoke cleared, and niggas aint care
"haha scammed it was all fake"
dickhead i was eating good meals
till big business snatched up plate
finna bounce back pussy just wait  

for 1 week i was my own boss
i was this close, had it all.
then crash i felt my heart tear
smoke cleared, and niggas aint care
"haha scammed it was all fake"
dickhead i was eating good meals
till big business snatched up plate
finna bounce back pussy just wait

Chaosweb

bearing the weight of your curse
living in mold, many flies
living in a pigsty
and you know that it 
only makes it worse
you seem to critisize your time
you seem to critisize your mind
but theres this feeling and 
it always fucking hurts
this feeling never seems to go
another day you grow old 
another day you're inching 
closer to the dirt

are there days where you contemplated 
or genuinely consider suicide?

oh know you preach your mind
all i do is push against your time
you have a choice baby calm your mind
you're the one in control of your life
i promise baby you can preach your mind
all i do is push against your time
the choice is yours easy calm your mind
you're the one in control of your life

you go thru the motions
yeah ya brain is enigmatic
they know but don't know shit
the void all consuming
can't say your emotions
yet still you rot away
every step you take ahead
it's like you take 2 steps back
you go thru the motions
yeah ya brain is enigmatic
they know but don't know shit
the void all consuming
can't say your emotions
yet still you rot away
every step you take ahead
it's like you take 2 steps back
 
bearing the weight of your curse.
living in mold, many flies
living in a pigsty
and you know that it 
only makes it worse
you seem to critisize your time
you seem to critisize your mind
but theres a feeling and 
it always fucking hurts
and you just tryna stay strong
you been waiting so long 
you're sinking deeper and 
dont wanna ask for help

do you shut down cause of times  
when you were young and 
had your feelings denied?

oh know you preach your mind
all i do is push against your time
you have a choice baby calm your mind
you're the one in control of your life
i promise baby you can preach your mind
all i do is push against your time
the choice is yours easy calm your mind
you're the one in control of your life

you go thru the motions
yeah ya brain is enigmatic
they  know but don't know shit
the void all consuming
can't say your emotions
yet still you rot away
every step you take ahead
it's like you take 2 steps back
you go thru the motions
yeah ya brain is enigmatic
they know but don't know shit
the void all consuming
can't say your emotions
yet still you rot away
every step you take ahead
it's like you take 2 steps back

please i need you to understand
these words i say to you, from me
i know you don't need my advice, just
just please i need you to understand
these words i say to you, from me
do you understand ? 

oh know you preach your mind
all i do is push against your time
you have a choice baby calm your mind
you're the one in control of your life
i promise baby you can preach your mind
all i do is push against your time
the choice is yours easy calm your mind
you're the one in control of your life

Two Heal (Recoveryweb)

moving on happily
i remember these things
losing control constantly
i guess i'll have no problems if you let me go
i understand where i lost my way
i understand where i got so slow
i know i cant take back anything
i won't even beg you to look into my soul
you say everythings alright, i'm forgiven for my past.
and i feel like that other chance, should've been my last
you'd be a fool to trust me, and a fool so you are.
but i regret who i was, i don't deserve you at all

you lose yourself to yourself all the time
you lose the war you keep fighting in your mind
24 seven pick apart at your brain
and now you wonder bitch why you're going insane
"it all started when i was 12"
"all started when i was 9"
my past in the present, trauma, i define
i'll live this way forever, for as long as im alive
blame my actions on the past until the day that i die.
you lose yourself to yourself all the time
you lose the war you keep fighting in your mind
24 seven pick apart at your brain
and now you wonder bitch why you're going insane
"it all started when i was 12"
"all started when i was 9"
my past in the present, trauma, i define
i'll live this way forever, for as long as im alive
blame my actions on the past until the day that i die.

im not accountable for my actions
i don't care what i did, sorry you feel so small
im sorry that you feel that way
that way at all
im sorry that you feel that way
that way at all
im sorry that you feel that way
that way at all
im sorry that you feel that way
that way at all
i wont bargain with myself, for the longest i've been wrong
for the things i've said and done, but im glad you played along. 
you say everythings alright, i'm forgiven for my past
and i feel like that other chance, should've been my last
you'd be a fool to trust me, so you wont again.
but i regret who i was, no i regret who i am
respect and trust are two things that you earn with time
so i gave you them both but you can't give me mine
and i can't be upset, and no im not suprised
cause this aint the first, and wont be the last

you lose yourself to yourself all the time
you lose the war you keep fighting in your mind
24 seven pick apart at your brain
and now you wonder bitch why you're going insane
"it all started when i was 12"
"all started when i was 9"
my past in the present, trauma, i define
i'll live this way forever, for as long as im alive
blame my actions on the past until the day that i die.
you lose yourself to yourself all the time
you lose the war you keep fighting in your mind
24 seven pick apart at your brain
and now you wonder bitch why you're going insane
"it all started when i was 12"
"all started when i was 9"
my past in the present, trauma, i define
i'll live this way forever, for as long as im alive
blame my actions on the past until the day that i die.

 
no i don't care anyway
no i don't care anyway
i was right anyway
no i was wrong anyway
well i don't care anyway
anyhow anyway
i don't care what you say
cause i'll get hurt anyway
hurt myself anyway
hurt yourself anyway
im sorry anyway
cause i'll get hurt anyway
no i'll get hurt anyway
no i'll get hurt anyway
im sorry every day, and everynight
and every hour
no i'll get hurt anyway

radioactive heart turned to stone
an orchid trapped beneath the snow
i'll carry your petals with me 
if you ever finally let go
beneath the ice, a mindless stance
beneath her stem a mindless dance
figure eights spinning inside your stem
warming up for spring again
for me

BP Richy Shtic 9 (Zygotedeath)

I asked the zebra
Are you black with white stripes?
Or white with black stripes?
And the zebra asked me,
Or you good with bad habits?
Or are you bad with good habits?
Are you noisy with quiet times?
Or are you quiet with noisy times?
Are you happy with some sad days?
Or are you sad with some happy days?
Are you neat with some sloppy ways?
Or are you sloppy with some neat ways?
And on and on and on and on
And on and on he went.
I'll never ask a zebra
About stripes
Again.

The Zebra

I'm scared, somebody help me

graze so gracefully graze so happily
grass has disease i cant, discribe
man wont eat me, man wont love me
how do i survive?

the kids never asked for this at all
thrown into a world so small
where sickness is rampant disease in the streets
the media, family, and society
it starts so young, from parent neglect
from a glass to a glass, like infinite
they break you down with miniscule checks
while your children are raised by the web
exposed to reality ever so young
sex, drugs, war, guns, cum, industry
business, psyop, dollar, 12 years old
is the new 21
disconnected with tools made to connect?
everybody is good everybody is bad
the war that we feel so deep in our minds
they now have a voice to display on the net
deep in mind, mass trauma defines
relationships, morals, careers, and our time
ash gave me head, listen bitch or we through
it must be okay it's what everyone do
they sell you your fears through digital clicks
a quiz has your data, here advertizement
a plan too successful straight from the start
you're not but a head on a chopping block

you've been raped don't you see?

now everybody thinks its okay
deep in our music we play everyday
doesn't matter if your black white or gay
we're all the same, one in the same
a rock drowned in sin so long in this race
no sense of ourselves morals in nothing
you are a direct reflection of your upbringing and surroundings and you're likely traumatized and think its normal
apart of a cycle, we'll never break
dismantle the system, start with yourself
your traumas result in the choices of now
you fuck up your health, you fuck up the wo-o-o-orld
about 6 companies own everything
and worried of elections ignorrantly
nigga the system is rigged, been from the start
we got 2 parties what that say bout this shit?
red or blue, i hate you for that
i'll fuck you up, you don't agree with my view
what are you lead by a cult? 
these politicans don't give a shit about you.
oh well doesn't matter, nothing will change
ill be dead by the time this world is saved
but by that time i hope we're wiped from this earth
60 years from now you'll be buried in dirt.
so have your fun now, it's all that you got
eat fuck and shit, and let yourself rot
clearly you have loads, heaps of time
now get up for work and go work for a dime.

I'm scared, somebody help me
lets play monopoly, hope you have fun

this place isn't meant to live in
no opprotunity 
we're filled with drugs and sickness
and we stuck in here playing they game
funding wars because of the game
section 8 they loving the game
foodstamps they loving the game
homeless veterans loving the game
we're pawns, ants in the grand sceme of things
america's a business, simple and straight
elites are demons, we're bots for a bill
pay off that debt baby know you will
animals stricken with the plague
animals stricken with the plague
animals stricken with the plague
animals stricken with the plague
this place isn't meant to live in
kids don't got moms its crazy
full time and barely scraping
your dependent and you never escaping
gray hairs at the ripe age of 20
where the mom cant see her kids?
how do the homeless escape that shit?
they keep you hungry drugged up and dependent
we're pawns, ants in the grand sceme of things
america's a business, simple and straight
elites are demons, we're bots for a bill
pay off that debt baby know you will
animals stricken with the plague
animals stricken with the plague
animals stricken with the plague
animals stricken with the plague

Animals Stricken with the Plague



i would never sell my soul this shit aint cheap
nigga fuck this soul man fuck these beats
happiest i been is with money nigga
but i know that i can make it right?
i can make it, okay.
no, i can make it right

they tell me
got voices in my ear
that stretch me thin reinforce fear
you don't got a chance nigga its clear
you small you weak you dumb you weird
but i know that i can make it right?
i can make it, okay.
no, i can make it right

didn't ask to be born in this place
i need more money so we all can eat
what would've been the case
if born of the child of Bill Gates Bezos or Andrew Tate
most times i wonder if I'm really okay
i had that 1 breakdown
I'm back at the start like zero
no i ain't no hero
wanna be for my girl
mom, bro, sis, shit even my uncle

nigga we all do.
it hurts so bad when you try real hard
and it goes so bad and you get real mad
then you get real sad then you get in your head
then you better off dead you cant believe this shit
hide away in my basement
sometimes we all get discouraged
life throws you a curveball
remind yourself that

to fall down and hurt yourself ill tell you thats a given
as long as you get up and remember that life is without limits
most people wont get it most wont understand your vision
you were never meant to be there you were never meant to fit in

to fall down and hurt yourself ill remind you thats a given
as long as you get up and remember that life is without limits
most people wont get it most wont understand your vision
you were never meant to be there you were never meant to fit in

i would never sell my soul this shit ain't cheap
nigga fuck this soul man fuck these beats
happiest i been is with money nigga
but i know that i can make it right?
i can make it, okay.
no, i can make it right

they tell me got voices in my ear
that stretch me thin reinforce fear
you don't got a chance nigga its clear
you small you weak you dumb you weird
but i know that i can make it right?
i can make it, okay.
no, i can make it right

don't be so shy

to fall down and hurt yourself ill tell you that's a given
life is without limits.

produced by edward roane, julio alcazar
recorded by edward roane, julio alcazar
mixed by edward roane
mastered by edward roane


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