Watch out for my ep coming together soon <3
_

Mixed/Mastered: @nospacemichael on ig :)
Prod/beat: @grayskies
Writing/Vocals: @antivst (me)

my own self destruction (prod.grayskies)

Slenderman

What A Lie

Instagram.com/antivst
__
How am I supposed to heal
I’ve forgotten how to feel
Broken promises left out the door
I'm broken hearted to the core

Sometimes when I’m awake
I think about you and I start to hate
To hate the feeling 
And I suffocate
My heart from feeling
Takes my breath away

And sometimes when I’m alone
I fight my urges to pick up the phone
And call your number like I used to do
I was so used to you

And now you’re with her
I hate her
Cause she’s all about you
The same way that I was
I was a fool for you

You played me
You’ll play her
I already know the truth
But she won’t
No she don’t
She don’t know about you

Caught me by surprise
The web of your lies
You told me you wouldn’t leave
you’d never leave my side
 
You lied
And I believed
You made a fool out of me
Everyone warned me
But I couldn’t see

Blinded by your charm
You caused the most harm
You never did say you were sorry
That don’t matter but oh it haunts me

Was there two or was there more?
I was dying on the floor
You cried you called me 
I declined I couldn’t breathe

I couldn’t breathe

You’re selfish 
You’re fucked up
I wish you the worst luck

You miss me?
Well that’s nice
I don’t miss you
I miss the fights

I miss your wrongs 
when I was right
I miss you degrading me
I miss your hate for me
I really miss the jealousy

And all those times that I would cry
You don’t care
you were getting getting high
That stupid band
Your stupid songs
You always cared more about the bong

And now look at you
All fucked up and alone at two
You’ve got me on your mind
wishing you could go back in time

And all those those months I was in pain
and finding comfort in the rain
You didn’t care
You made it worse
You harassed me
I felt cursed 

You told me you didn’t love me
So I don’t get what you want from me
I changed my number
Leave a fax
Leave me alone and face the facts

You lost the girl who was always down
The only girl who didn’t want the crown
She wanted you for you
You betrayed her
The things you do
 
I hope you know you won’t find better
And She’s still burning all your letters
If by chance your hear this song
I hope you see how you did me wrong

Please Stay Away - ANTIVST (Prod.XET)

I don’t wanna live like this anymore 
take a bottle of pills & I’m out on the floor.
Too many times And I'll take the blame
So I’m fucked in the head,
Put a gun to my brain.

Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine
I’ve got thoughts of suicide on my mind 
I want it to end
There is no friend 
who gives a shit

Nobody cares until your dead
And even then they all pretend 
pretend to care,
They’re not really there
No no no

Last year in March
I was in pain
I wanted to die,
Jumped in front of a train

It was only a dream,
So when I woke up,
climbed up to the bridge
Tried to throw myself off

I cried for days,
I was in pain
I felt selfish
With No one to blame

But myself 
I’m always on my own
I’m always alone
And When I get in the zone

I close myself off,
Cut people off,
Cut em off like I do
Cause if they only knew 

What goes on in my head
I’m Better off dead
Like I’ve already said 
God I wish I was dead

Thoughts Of $uicide - ANTIVST (Prod.Raspo)

Art by Lucas David
_

I remember when you used to call my phone at 3 am
Now you sit there alone 
Hitting up my phone but can’t remember when

I wrote my songs for you 
You listened and you laughed
But I guess good for you
Cause I left your sorry ass

I don’t feel love
I don’t want pain
You broke me once
I’ll burst like a vain 

Just leave alone
Don’t pick up the phone
Just leave me alone

I wrote my songs for you 
You listened and you laughed
But I guess good for you
Cause I left your sorry ass

I’m not your girlfriend
Not your best friend 
This is the end 
To your lies

If you miss me
Well I’m sorry
I’ve moved on
To finer guys

And you used to be mine 
Yeah you used to mine
You ran out of time
Cause you were wasting mine
Yeah you were wasting mine

You never never cared
You never cared cared anyway

All of the times
All of your lies
They went up in the flames 
And oh how I fell for your games

I was never the same
No I was never the same

I wrote those songs for you 
Oh what a waste of time
But now you’re her problem
And I’m glad you’re not mine

Save It For Your Girlfriend - ANTIVST (PROD. XET)

Art by Lucas David
_
This is what I couldn’t say
I didn’t want to walk away 
You left me no choice
I didn’t wanna hear your voice

Tell me all the ugly lies
How you traced around her thighs
Look me the eyes
Tell me it’s a lie

I love you
But I Iove to hate you
It’s sad but it’s true
And I’m not over you 
You’re in my head
Been in my head

I love you
But I want to hate you
You’re bad for my heart
And you’ve torn me apart 
Still in my head 
Still in my bed

You took my last breath
When you said those words to me
3 words that were lies 
But it meant something to me
And those were the lies 
That were sped out of control 
And you took my body
And then crushed my god damn soul
But that was the old me
You were a lesson
Not taking your bullshit
So sit down and listen 
Yeah I was alright
Doing just fine
You walked into my life
But left with a knife

Straight to the heart yeah
You’re cold to the core
And on your way out you sure slammed the door
I showed you my wounds from the previous one 
You said I won’t hurt you but the damage is done
I hope it was worth it 
But you’ll get yours and probably other things from fucking with whores 
I’ll keep my distance and I’ll be okay
trying to forget that miserable day 
you fell out of love I mean that’s what you claim 
but what is love when it was all just a game 
ask yourself that when you’re thinking of me 
or hitting me up when there’s something you need

Damaged - ANTIVST (prod. raspo)

All The Good Girls Go To Hell - Billie Eilish Cover

Why do you always want me back
You use me up to leave me in the past
Never sober since October
That’s the night that I saw you last

Never sleep And when I wake
I toss these pills so that I don’t take 
Close your eyes and count to three
I’ll be nothing but a memory 

Tell me how you really feel
Under the mask cause I know what’s real
If you don’t want me then leave 
I’ve had plenty of time to grieve 

I still mourn the old you
I just wanna hold you
But the spark it’s gone
It went out when you broke our bond

I’m haunted by the memories
I want back all that you stole from me
And I’m still broken after all
You blamed me and I took the fall

Heartbreaker - ANTIVST(Prod. Metlast)

Baby call me right back
I just wanna hear your voice one more time 
my sanity is intact 
but when it comes to you I just lose my mind 

You drive me mad 
I’m in the dark 
Bottle in hand 
cause I am falling apart 
and all I hear is your voice in my head 
without you I’d say I’m better off dead

Better off dead 
knife in my heart 
I wanna rewind 
and take us back to the start 
but all of these damn things I can’t change I’m fucked up and you’re playing games

playing games
But I’m in love
Saying fuck you to god 
And shoot him right back above
They say we’re crazy
That’s just us
Fools for love
And yet we’re driven by lust

Lust or love
Love by lust 
Lost in the world that doesn’t give a fuck
But they don’t matter
Cause you’re mine
I’ll be the Bonnie to your clyde 

baby why you gotta go so soon
I gave you the world
And yet you chose the moon 
You’re in my head
And in my heart
I thought even death couldn’t tear us apart

I was wrong 
I was blind
And You were nothing but a waste of time
Yet I still care for you
I walk the hell that you put me through

Baby call me right back
I just wanna hear your voice one more time 
my sanity is intact 
but when it comes to you I just lose my mind 
you drive me mad 
I’m in the dark bottle in hand 
cause I am falling apart
and all I hear is your voice in my head
Baby come home before I end up dead

My Last Breath (prod.blade901 x 5head)

These days I haven’t been sleeping
It’s been a lot of day drinking
All cause I can’t forget your name
I think I’m boarderline insane

I run away from my problems
I know when I’ve hit rock bottom 
And when the bottle calls my name
I give in so I feel no pain

Feel pain? just hide just hide behind the cigarette
Tough love it messes with your mindset
As all our memories replay
Do you think we could be the same

Do you you feel me?
I’m lost 
Can you hear me?
I know I know you all too well
Would you hold my hand all through hell 

Oh no
Not again 
I thought 
We could be friends
But babe there’s something you should know
If you love someone you don’t go
You don’t get to walk away
Why don’t you say what you want to say

I know you’ve got way too much pride
But babe I’ve got nothin to hide

Mixed Emotions (Prod.XET)

I'd walk the water
Carry the fire
I'd risk it all to take away your pain

I love your smile
And no one has your style
That's why I see you in every girl that looks my way

Just know that I'm sorry
I hope you don't forget me
Things are getting harder
But I wanted you to stay

I know that you're angry
And I'm lost in the bottle
Just know that I'm trying
Hope that this will go away

I still smell your perfume
I've still got you tattooed
Ink in my skin
To match your mark on my heart

And babe I must be dreaming
If I lose you I'm screaming
I want the world to know
That I love you Victoria

Victoria (prod.sketchmyname)

Writing & Lyrics by ANTIVST
The image was found on Pinterest :3

Lyrics:
My bad I know I fucked up
I ruin everything I love
I’m like a storm
And you’re a wave

I know you say I try too hard
But you did a number on my heart
And ever since I’m not the same

Do you even care
You were never there
And you never called

I fell for petty lies
You said I’m your demise
But that’s not my fault 

Can’t you see that I’m falling 
All at night is you I’m calling
I know you hear
I know you hear me babe

I just wanna to come to get you
In my mind I can’t forget you
Why’d you leave me babe
Why’d you leave me babe

Lord I’m so fucked up
I’ve forgotten how to love
And it’s all your fault

Please haze my demons 
No I can’t treat them
I’m begging them to lay low
One gets drunk and one calls your phone

They say that nothing will last forever
But I know that we’ll end up together
Until we meet again

Toxic (prod.sketchmyname)

Creep - Radiohead Cover

I don’t really like that
If I broke your heart now
Would you break it right back
Cause I don’t really like that

I don’t really like that
I just wanna fight back
I want you to use me
Mentally abuse me
You’re not really like that
And I don’t really like that

You’re not what I’m used to
I Can’t see through you
I don’t wanna feel
But I don’t wanna lose you
I don’t really like that
No I don’t really like that

I don’t really like that
Nothing but a nerve rack
Why don’t you run from me
Leave me to the train tracks
You’re not really like that
And I don’t wanna like that

You are the shy boy
Praying to the sky boy
I am the bad girl 
just like her dad girl 
Why do you want me
Cause nobody wants me

Did you read the label
I have the baggage
I’ve got depression
And my lungs are ashes
I’m not the package
Not even average

It’s Crazy how my life goes
You don’t know the story though
Boy that I loved 
Stomped on my heart so
I guess I am cold now
At least That’s what I’m told now 

If you wanna love me
You need patience 
You need strength 
And a permanent vacation 
My safe haven
I guess that’s what I’m craving 

There’s a hole in my soul
Where someone used to be and
My anxieties are always watching me
and I need some saving 
Am I what you’re craving

Just Know that I won’t hurt you
If I do It’s not true 
Look me in eyes and
Tell me I don’t want you 
Cause you know I want you
I’m just scared to love you

If I were to love you
There’d be fire
Cities would burn 
And I’d be your sire
Until you get tired

They always get tired

Dont throw me away 
Like I’m one of your toys
And Don’t act too different in front of your boys 
Just fill my void
Will you bring me joy

Hard to love (prod.poppa)

I thought I’d seen the worst
But boy you proved me wrong
You took one look at me
Said this one won’t take long

I cry to sleep at night
And drink till I decay
You’re the one that did me wrong
And yet the one who got away

I just wanna get in your head
Replay all that I did
Take back what I said
Lay back at pretend
Lay down the matches 
Burn up the mattress
I just wanna heal before I’m dead

You don’t care how I feel
I don’t know what was real
It’s been years and you’re on my mind
waited for your calls
While you posted other girls
And I died for you almost every night

Failed manifestation
I was way too patient 
I was a fool 
For wanting to love

Thought it was easy
Left me bruised and wheezy
Now I’m popping pills
With god screaming above 

Make it stop
But it’s hurts
The pain feels nice
For what it’s worth
Pain is the only thing I feel
I’ve lost touch with what is real

I looked in the mirror
Had to close my eyes
Cause the person there
Had no soul of mine

I think I miss me more than I miss you
She’s been gone did you forget her too
Cause you took her heart away
You crushed her soul 
And my pain today
It’s all because of you 
I hope it was worth every girl you do
I wanna wipe my mind and scream and sue
Cause the mistake I made was loving you

Pain (prod.farber)

Written & Sung by ANTIVST
Mixing - @livininlimbo
Instrumental- Prod.Stillcoldx
_

LYRICS:
Lord help me
I’m so cold
I got no heart
I Can’t do what I’m told

And I’m helpless
So selfish
I Stole a vial of his blood for my necklace

I don’t sleep
I can’t feel 
My Life is shit
An eternal steering wheel

My eyes glow
I am not alive
When you die
Peep my coffin for a ride

I’m hellbound
Lucifer take me
I don’t burn
no one can break me

Just take me
Degrade me
I bet you run
But you can’t run from me

I’m a vampire Looking for my hellboy
Please don’t cry
If you do I’ll destroy 
Myself along with everyone else
Cause I have no control

My eyes burn at the thought of light
Your eyes see me as pretty right
Your blood baby it’s my drug
And I’m so fucked up
That I’ll call it love

Yeah I'll call it love
Call it what you want but I'm in love


I’m a vampire Looking for my hellboy
Please don’t cry
If you do I’ll destroy 
Myself along with everyone else
Cause I’ve have no control

I’ll burn in eternal misery 
Maybe it’s you that’ll set me free
I’m a vampire 
Lucifer take me
I’m a vampire 
No one can save me

Vampire (Prod.Stillcoldx)

WRITTEN & SUNG BY ANTIVST (me)
MIXED BY @livininlimbo
INSTRUMENTAL - RASPO BEATS
_

LYRICS:
It’s been four years since the I died
I’m dont feel dead but I’m not alive
A zombie, deranged and wandering 
What’s the point 
When I feel nothing

When the fuck did I become insomniac 
I’m Addicted to drugs
And my lungs are black
My friends don’t hit my phone no more
And I’m all alone when I close my door

I don’t need intervention 
I’ll never learn my lesson 
I don’t need help
I need to numb my pain
The doctor gave me pills
To throw my heart away

Take pills to make me happy 
I Take pills to make me happy
Take pills to make me happy
I fall down and I feel sappy

I Take pills to make me happy 
I Take pills to make me happy
Take pills to make me happy
Six feet down and I’ll be happy

I gave up the world
And I smoked it all
I lit up the trees
Just to break my fall

Eyes bright red
I might shatter 
But when you’re dead
It’s like nobody matters

They say that time heals
Tell me how that shit works
It’s been years now
Tell me why it still hurts

I am nothing
And I was never good enough
Every boy I’ve ever loved
Dragged me through the mud

And I still love them
What the fuck is wrong with me
On my own now
Yeah I’ve never had a family

I guess I’m used to it 
But sometimes I break down
Always find myself taking pills until I pass out

Please turn off the noise in my head (prod.raspo)

LYRICS:

I’m sorry that I failed you
I’ve got my head stuck in my cloud
And I know I de- railed you
I didnt mean to hurt you
Tell me how you still care

After all I did
Blood in the bath
Blood from my wrists
It’s all gone down the drain
My body lies in pouring rain

Sex drugs & marijuana 
Won’t you take me to nirvana 
Sex drugs and marijuana 
You don’t know how much I wanted you

I wanted us to work
To leave this town
Forget this church 

Just you and I 
The road or die
But the universe said that won’t work

I was only seventeen 
When I lost touch with reality
It all came crashing down
But no one was around

Sex drugs & marijuana
Won’t you take me to nirvana
Sex drugs & marijuana
Take my blood
I know you wanna


I lied there dead for days
And Not one call
Till I passed away

Ain’t it love
Got you good
You cried for me
I knew you would

Sex drugs & marijuana
Won’t you take me to nirvana
Sex drugs & marijuana
Filled my tub 
Now I’m a gonner 

Please stop drinking for me
Stop overthinking my name
Please just stomp on my grave
Forget me and my face

Clouds (Prod.Wurlishmouk)

WRITTEN & SUNG BY ANTIVST (me)
INSTRUMENTAL - Eluisis
_
Mirror mirror on the wall 
there’s no one left to break my fall 
alone and cold I’m left for dead 
I’m the fucked up in the head 

Walked the world in black-and-white 
in the middle of the night 
someone turned the gun on me 
and pulled the trigger as I laid asleep

I’m the walking fucking dead 
Tim Burton bride never laid to rest 
I’m the nightmare, you count sheep 
my eyes are closed, but I’ll never sleep 

Im the fly left on the wall 
that’s in your head and knows it all 
I’m the thing under your bed 
that claws your feet and wants you dead 

I’m a zombie
Never voted prom queen (oh)
I’m a zombie
No one really wants me (oh)
I’m a zombie
No one really wants me (oh)
I’m a zombie
The memories will haunt me (oh)

Mirror mirror on the wall 
there’s no one left I’ve killed them all 
one by one hung by a thread 
the village people want my head

I’m a zombie 
I’m a zombie (oh)
I’m a zombie 
No one wants me (oh)

In the woods, caught in the night 
I’ve got no sense of what’s wrong or right

Do you know how it feels to buried alive
(Alive, oh)
It was dark it was cold till the worms ate my eyes
(My eyes, oh)

I wish it was a dream 
Oh where is prince charming 
I need him now
I’m underground (oh)

Zombie (Prod.Eleusis)

Lyrics:

Fuck me in the daylight
Leave me in the night time
Look into my eyes I-

I can't see straight oh
Can't feel my face though
I'll take anything to get you off my mind

You said you wouldn't leave
Look at me now 
I'm begging on my knees
You were my shelter
Now no one can help her
She's losing her mind in ways you can't believe 

But you know what?
Fuck that shit
I'm not getting you, I'm over it
You know what?
Fuck that shit
I'm not getting you, I'm so over it

Fuck me in the daylight
Leave me in the night time
Look Into my eyes I-

I've been getting so cold
No one hits my line oh
They know better than to get too close

Oh, no 
Telling more lies gonna overflow
Oh, oh there you go
I can't take your shit no more

Oh oh say it again
Tell me you're in love but text my friends
Tell me you're in love but tonight it ends
You're not making any sense

Run boy, if you can
Bury my heart in the sand
Let the waves wash away any damage I'll decay

I'll decay
Don't come my way
I'll decay but I will take you down with me

Fuck me in the daylight
Leave me in the night time
Look into my eyes I-

I can't see straight though
Can't feel my face though
I'll take any drug to get you off my mind

Leave Me w/ Dontbesam(prod.vaegud & sketchmyname)

My love is like a hurricane
I kill
I crash
I cry in vain

Please take shelter
My mind's never no helper
All I've known is pain
My eyes are rain
No matter the weather

Dark clouds
No lies
I live my life just getting by
I'm wasting time
I'm getting old
My heart is cold

I've got no one
Just me myself and I
I don't wanna die
I'm way too young
I wanna fight
I will survive 
I don't wanna die

I love too hard
I fall apart
Just take the wheel
I'm crashing cars
I'm a freight train
Swerving in the right lane
Bottles in the back
With a bullet locked in my brain

Leave me to die
I won't make it to 25
I'm all alone
I'm on my own
I'm a lone wolf with a burner phone
Leave me in blood and stone
In the ground where the broken roam
Where I belong for doing wrong
My time is up I've lost the bong

Oh oh I fall apart
Oh no I fall too hard
I love so hard I fall apart

Oh no one sees what I see, What I see
Oh no one dreams what I dream, What I dream

I fall apart
I fall apart
I fall apart back in his arms

I Fall Apart (prod.sleeplessboy)

Take me away
Down Below
Show me a world where sinners grow

May I shake the dead boys hand?
Crown of thorns
With blood on his hands

Bury me
He wanna marry me
I've got the devil inside he's not scared of me
I've got pitch black eyes with no sanity
I've got a bottle of souls with no vanity

I told him once before
I take what I want and leave no more
I take what I want and slam the door
I take what I want and kill for more

(Oh I kill for more, for more, more)

Dear Mr.Reaper
It seems I've lost control
He wants to keep her
But she is on parol

Bury me
He wanna marry me
I've got the devil inside he's not scared of me
I've got big red eyes and no sanity
And I've put a curse on all humanity
Dear Mr. Reaper the government took my soul

(Oh oh, oh oh) x4

Mr. Reaper I can't find my way home
Mr.Reaper I won't make it alone

I told him once before
I take what I want and leave no more
I take what I want and slam the door
I take what I want and kill for more

(Oh I kill for more
for more, for more)

Mr.Reaper (Prod.J808)

20, Listen with headphones for quality  <3
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for more music updates +
(not doing collabs/feats rn)

antivst

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