Imagine a storyboard. They catch them. There are seven of them. #BhekiCele turns up. Is that a feather in his cap? There is press there like paparazzi. Cameras flash. It’s all ridiculous. Celebrations because they caught them. Well, one would swear Bheki and his hat caught them, he didn’t, but you’d swear he did. Welcome to electioneering of a different kind. #CrimeVultures.

I’m Tonya Khoury and I’m clawing the surface to find the truth. Join me as we wrap up a ridiculous week in the media.

#CrimeVultures: A New Election Campaign

Over 1300 children and adults go missing every month in South Africa. While we were all looking for #JoshlinSmith, a 3-year-old boy, Enzo Mtshobeni, has also disappeared without a trace. And the #MohammedCousins were kidnapped coming out of the school gates. This incident was reported earlier in the week and then … crickets. Why? Well, obviously because it’s a kidnapping and a ransom is being negotiated and headlines make real gangsters uneasy. We get it, but where’s the justice for #Enzo?

Why does one child make headlines and 1300 other people and kids don’t? It’s a difficult question. Don’t misunderstand me, I’ve been glued, like you, to any story related to #Joshlin and her #PrettyGreenEyes.

I’m Tonya Khoury and this is the Acumen Media’s weekly report where we scratch the surface of the media.

#PrettyGreenEyes, Election Mania and In Vitro Cannibalism

Headlines. Unfathomable headlines: A cyclone barreled its way towards Sodwana Bay and #Mbazwana featured on mainstream, more like a river, news stations. Joburg, in stark contrast, had no water for two weeks; they didn’t turn the tap on. Dinkum! Would I lie to you? #Zuma threatened #CivilWar. A woman was fleeced by #OldMutual to the tune of three million rand, despite a court order. This tap danced across the whole country with over half a million engagements in a seven day period. And that was just on Monday. Mall staff and shoppers were held hostage. #Kate, Princess Kate, broke the internet with a single doctored picture on #MothersDay in the UK. #Vodacom disappeared for hours and hours (are they #loadshedding because of the 63 billion that they must pay #Makate?). Microsoft went crash bang and just when we thought we were certain of an unnegotiated day of rest, #NuclearWar was mentioned. It was coupled with worse news: a terrible sequel. No, I’m not even telling you about #JohnCena’s nude delivery at the #Oscars. I’m talking about the two old tortoises.  #TrumpVsBiden, Act II. Can you believe it? Are we living in a movie? Absolutely not, not even #TheOscars would consider this trashy set of scripts, well wait Barbie was up for Best Picture.  And then it seems Biden will be banning #TikTok too. So, things are looking up … #ZOscars

It’s me, Tonya Khoury, I’m not an actor but I can pick out a good drama with the click of a button. #AcademyAwardsZA, that’s what Acumen Media actually does, it uses astonishing AI to read the news for me, so that I can regurgitate it to you.

#ZOscars – And The Winner Is …

Yesterday #MarkusJooste allegedly blew his brains out with a shotgun. This was while police were arresting him for the R475 million fine that he had been instructed to pay after stealing R106 billion from SA’s pensioners. He died on the way to the hospital. We’ve all heard this story before. No, not the suicide, but the narrative: a fraction of the stolen money is charged as a fine and then we all move forward as if it didn’t happen. #Steinheist happened, so why didn’t #Jooste pay the small change and carry on with his day? And in fact, how on earth is #Jooste living in his own house when the whole of Germany is looking for him? There must have been a great deal more to come… Or if you’re a Twitter user you’ll find a great deal of comparisons between #GavinWatson and #Bosasa and #Jooste’s #Steinhoff. You may have to cast your mind back to #Watson; he headed up #Bosasa, the major bribe headquarters for corruption during the #StateCaptureCommission. The same #Bosasa where #AngeloAgrizzi dropped files and the next thing #GavinWatson was killed in a solo car crash with nothing but a Nokia phone on him. At the time we called to see the body, obviously that didn’t happen. And today across social media, the community are calling for a #StewardsEnquiry. Both #GavinWatson and #MarcusJooste are trending. Sounds callous, doesn’t it? Social media is callous. When the story broke, we were told Jooste went out for a walk and then shot himself in the park outside his neighbour’s home. Later we were told that he used the shotgun on himself as the cops were about to arrest him. Today we are reading headlines using the term “rest in peace”.  I don’t know what exactly happened, but I do hope that inheritance money is used to pay the poor gogos who were ripped off.

I also wonder what ever happened to #TinaJoematPetersen, we never heard the end to that story either. Well that’s an opening to our weekly report. #BosasaVibes and #TheSuicideSquad

It’s me, Tonya Khoury, and it’s time for us to #ScratchTheSurface on a strange week in the social streets.

#SuicideSquad and Other South African Stories

Wig, derived from the word “periwig”, used by humans as hair-mimicking head covers for societal and political reasons. Fitting for this week’s report which is all about weaves and wigs and wickedness and want and wanted. #MadamSpeaker, #MapisaNqakula, was shoved into the spotlight because of her head gear. She was meant to be arrested, and then all media was asked to do a retraction (including yours truly). Hours later she resigned and then she was charged. Theft, they said. Money laundering, we’re told. A few million rands and a whole lot of bother for the ANC.

I’m Tonya Khoury, I had the long weekend off so let’s try and make head or tail of this huge media event that even made headlines on the #BBC. I watched the charges and bail being decided in our courts. Fifty thousand rand bail is what she “can afford”. She denied that wigs or weaves were code words for bribes: not quite headwear. What was fascinating was that the previous nation’s #MadamSpeaker, #BalekaMbete, was in court to show solidarity with her chom. #BalekaSnakeMbete was the woman who protected #Zuma from secret ballots and was the subject of #AngeloAgrizzi’s testimony as he confessed to #BosasaBribes. One of the key role players in his horrific file drop was #Mbete. Her code name: #Snake. Seems, the madams are keeping fitting company with or without their doeks.

Wigs Big and Small. #MapisaResigns

How am I going to tell you that our top story is #Zuma this week? It’s been decades, literally decades of dominating headlines and #Zuma just won’t let up. Half a million engagements in less than seven days. He’s back! He says he never finished his second term and that he wants another shot. I remember every word I wrote about this man, but #Jacob has a different set of memories. I suppose that happens when you reach the ripe age of 82. Who does this clown think he is? #Biden? #DecadesOfDecay.

#ZumaRules: Welcome to South Africa’s #GroundHogDay

It’s me, Tonya Khoury, and I am so grateful it’s Friday. This is the first week in ages that international headlines have smothered South Africa’s election rhetoric. There were floods in Dubai, Oman, Saudi and Afghanistan. When I say floods think swimming camels. Swimming camels in what was once a desert. Camels battling to find their breaststroke or doggy-paddle ability. That’s the kind of weather I’m referring to. There was an earthquake in Japan and a volcano erupted in Indonesia and there were several tsunami warnings. Russia claims that fifty thousand troops were killed in the #Ukraine War. #Sudan, however, overshadows Gaza and Ukraine, as nine million people are displaced, and no one has bothered to count the dead. Several Google employees were arrested for protesting about software that will aid the war on Gaza. New York Times issued an editorial guide to tell their journalists to avoid the word #Genocide. Meta (Zuckerberg) has been hiding a little project with the name #Lavender where they’ve been silently ingesting all your Whatsapp conversations to introduce their new AI product to Whatsapp users. The Brits issued a warning to their subjects about SA. Allegedly we are a terror threat. Have you been to South Africa man? We eat terrorists for breakfast.

#WorldWarThree, Allegedly

I’m Tonya Khoury, I survived the #PinkMoon and it felt like there was no news this week, didn’t it? There was news, it’s just that you’ve become conditioned to car crash catastrophic chaos for headlines; you’ve been battered, bludgeoned and belted my dear reader. It’s time to lift your heavy head. It’s Friday and it’s time to stand up, lean against the ropes and scratch the surface with Acumen Media.

Howling at the #PinkMoon and the Cracked Actors

Talk about insane in the membrane, did you see it? Netflix true story #BabyReindeer made us understand our lives are not so bad and that we often chase the wrong villain. Everyone is asking who is Martha (the stalker) when we should be asking where is Darrien (the groomer)? And then internationally a survey asked women a simple question. Would they rather come across a bear or a strange man in the woods? All women, and I mean all women, chose the bear. Men were astonished. Why, they asked. Most women retorted: “If a bear attacked me, they would believe me; if a bear attacked, someone would help me; if the bear attacked, there’s a chance I’d survive.” That story was more shocking than #babyReindeer. They chose the bear. Personally, if I go down to the woods, I’m going to go in disguise. #TeddyBearPicnic.

It’s not Safe Here Baby Reindeer; it’s a Highway to Hell.

And you thought I’d left you. Never. Not with a few days to voting, how could you imagine I’d leave you in the media darkness. And for real guys, who are we voting for? I’m Tonya Khoury and I’m sick of media polls. It feels like #Oprah rode into town and said: “You get a poll, you get a poll, everybody gets a poll!”. Regarding these polls, their sample sizes are never more than 5000 people. And we take them very seriously. Yesterday I read that 42% of the sample are not registered to vote or are not voting at all. 42%? Are you kidding me? Go home! If I had to tell you 42% of my data is flawed then I wouldn’t be in business.

So, without further ado, here’s the Acumen Media poll based on a social media data set of posts amounting to more than half a million that have been narrowed down to 216 thousand posts that mention “voting for” or “voting” or “vote”. Want to hear some good news? The ANC is on a hiding to nothing. Although they fill up our timelines, we, the audience, absolutely despise them. The message is loud and clear South Africa: “Do not vote for the ANC”. We have spoken, a lot, and that’s basically all we’ve got, that and what on earth is #MK on about?

Vote or #GoBroke SA. The Real Poll #Elections2024

#ScratchTheSurface on media news with Acumen media

#ZumaRules: Welcome to South Africa’s #GroundHogDay

Acumen Media

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