Treading

project for poetry class
inspired by a poem by Leslie Scalapino
sound effects from soundjay.com

Subway Motions @Kyoto

(sonata exposition for musc560)

To be frank I must admit to this rather tearful week/day that is supposed to celebrate my 21st year of existence - April/May 2017

Take a bottle
Would you share with me
Or is it too much just 
To wander for a solid hour 
Take another day to celebrate
The aching trouble that I am

It’s not a state
It’s a burden that I can’t escape
A vacant place, treaded to commemorate 
My illusory memories; distorted
For who I am 

For who I am
The wandering, aching, coward
The selfish, loveless horror
I’m of fragility, sheltered from
The kindness of the world 
For who I am 
The wandering, aching, coward
The paralyzing horror
Of my love to all the aching
So I bind myself, 
Cry to myself, 
And wish myself
Another year to
Grow

Bear with me
Or I’ll pride myself with vanity (or)
The value of my silence just to calibrate
Delusions I can calculate; they wring me
For who I am

For who I am
The wandering, aching, coward
The selfish, loveless horror
I’m of fragility, sheltered from
The kindness of the world 
For who I am 
The wandering, aching, coward
The paralyzing horror
Of my love to all the aching
So I bind myself, 
Cry to myself, 
And wish myself
Another year to
Grow with my emotions
Will I grow

"有種成熟 名叫墜落凡塵"

this isn't a song; this is just something that has to be said.

transcript:
城市 已埋沒我感性
望見思憶的兌現
如今卻得到永久的懷疑

而我 無文字去釋放
背起這衣衫資格
卻賣力到 連崩潰也無倦容

明白我的
總不會是你
若救我不到
也可否
別説話

------
6 months in...
i love[d] my city... but
was this what I came back for?

perhaps this place I call home, this place that I have been missing and dying to go back to, can only be idyllic in the form of distant memories..

i'm home(?)//(第七個月的香港)

how i failed to keep selden's kind of republic of the spirit
--
"silence and stillness and contemplation aren't going to pay the bills."
--

lyrics:

Oh I've fallen again
Into the whims of the
Never ending state of imprisonment

The mind is a poisonous place
Spare me from this travesty of ease and affliction

I'm losing my voice
Searching for words
But the strings don't feel the same

I still tried to achieve
While feigning a dream
But the numbers make you wake

You wake, and you, forget


Can't you see I'm a fake
Or maybe soon I'll walk my 
Way into your state of oblivion

I've actually come undone
This passing year's a forged illusion of crippling resilience

I've tried to voice out
But I'm losing my strength
Oh I don't feel the same

I just want to achieve
While forging a dream
But the crowd will make you wake

You wake, and you, forget

lost

another type of lost
has nothing changed since "21"?
--
Will I act upon my sorrows
These weights on my feet
They’re betting on tomorrow
But my dreams they don’t align
With you

Or what you’re gonna say
What am I gonna say
To you

“People come and go”
Is this a saying
Or what’s overly done,
Throughout these years
My shapeless affection
Could burden no one

Is this a free carousel
Enduring feeling
That repeats on itself
How have I not learnt my lessons now
To give all or to give no one

But as a drop into a well
It hits hard onto myself
As I stay silent
Could you ever tell

It felt like courage on my side
But to you it’s so cold to
See that I’ve been by your side
And that I have tried so hard to
Move on

What am I gonna say
What am I gonna say
To you

I’m tired of
Betting on tomorrow
When tomorrow is another you

what now (rough recording)

extended version of the previous one
because so much has happened in between

i mispronounced a word

lyrics:
城市 
已埋沒我感性
望見思憶的兌現
如今卻得到永久的懷疑

而我 無文字去釋放
背起這衣衫資格
卻賣力到 連崩潰也無倦容

若我想
擔當責任而留下
無眠夜裡落魄自慚
受過太多熏陶
當刻的我
仍能看透世間嗎

城市 繁榮中盼甦醒
面對這不久以後
若安份失救 仍會奢想停留

而我 快遺下了反應
越要擺脫勢利
但有誰能救 同化了也無共鳴

若我想
擔當責任而留下
無眠夜裡落魄自慚
受過太多熏陶
當刻的我
仍能看透世間嗎

仍會 喃喃自語掙扎
害怕單一的試煉
會催毀價值
誰來思憶無夢城

明白我們的
總不會是你
若救我不到
也可否
別説話

i'm home(?) -- extended version (第七＋十七個月的香港）

lost: v

threw away ii, iii, iv during the past 6 months of perpetual self-doubt
it seems like such a glorious act to pursue your passion but hey,
does the world have room for you to do so?
what's passion when you need to survive
do not be surprised if I go back and take up a corporate desk job again
as passion is not edible and the arts are not to be monetized

in conclusion, my savings are depleting and I am tired
and is anyone listening? no.

lyrics:

Pardon me I can’t go further
Through this whirling pool of slaughter
Can’t get out I can’t get through
Forget my name and what a fool, Ive been
        
Dressing up and dressing down
Promise me you’ll figure out
What a dime I’m dreaming for
All these times were nothing more, than a 

Paradise, I’ve strayed from your “paradigm”
What would I do, where could I go
To live in your “paradise”
I’m choking on severed pride 
Can’t say I want to keep going on
Can I keep dreaming on

Wishing you to wish me well
All I’ve heard was “Can’t you just…”
I’ve thought it all, I’ve thought it through
I’m falling to be treaded onto

Trade my worth with bread and butter  
Still I’ve lost the things that matter
To myself, what does it mean
To lose it all, and now re-entering

“Paradise”, mistaken as “paradigm”
What could I do, where could I find the
Way back to your “paradise”
I’ll serve you my severed pride
Can’t say I want to keep dragging on
Will I keep dreaming on

Careful dear please don’t back down
All the weights don’t serve to sink you
Plead it once, then plead it twice
Soon you’ll find the world to stay with you

lost: v

thank you for listening and trying to know me as a musician.
lol hai.

christy l.

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