Lowkey jus speaking my feelings on this one dawg
I been sober for the first time in 10 years and damnnn I feel fucked up
Making this song helped me get through the most of my withdrawals, I was all stuck in my head finding myself just wanting to relapse as I thought it would be easier, I kept thinking to myself “what am I running from and why?” Figured out that I’m running from the feeling of failing myself and didn’t realize that by running from that very feeling, I was failing myself..
Coming back into my sober mind I’ve been realizing that there is a lot of damage up in my head from the years of trauma just piling on.
This song is me coming to terms and accepting that, I am fucked up; I have lots I have to heal and quite frankly this may be the official start of that healing journey

Fvhkd Up - Single

Been going back and forth with sobriety and relapsing; it’s exhausting…
I’m trying;
I see people in my family and some of my friends looking to me for leadership and or guidance recently.
I’m tired.
Yet I’m still trying, I’m still going!
Even if I have to do it tired, imma do it!
Fuck what my head tells me, I got this shit!
Almost feels like I’m slowly but surely establishing a healthy relationship between my brain and heart for once.
I’m slowly getting my passion for life back, yet every time I relapse I lose it, and I waste time repeating the same cycles that keep me in the dark.
Fuck it, we coming to the light now 😤
pause 🤣

Love Lost

This one was lowkey a freestyle ngl
I wanted to make something that relates to mouse utopia and I lowkey thought “what if I use my own experience?”
Then I just said what was on my mind/chest.
If you don’t know what Mouse Utopia is I highly recommend looking it up and see the correlation between the 1960s experiment and today’s society.
The similarities are eerie.
Makes me think ts was intentional 
*cough cough the broke apart the family unit and promoted promiscuity for a reason cough cough*

Mouse Utopia - Teaser

I had an emotional week to say the least..
Confused with my purpose in life and questioning whether or not I am on the right path. Questioning if this is what God truly wants of me.
Heartbroken from realizing my own cycles of sin breaks the heart of my creator over and over again.
Tears flooded my face;
I sat alone in darkness.
Reflecting on my life and its failures.
I’ve failed more times than I’ve ever succeeded.
Especially when it comes to love.
Yet with that realization, I learned that I’ve also tried more times than others and will continue to do so.
Eyes welled with tears, I cried out silently, “God, you are calling me to lead, I’m here, what must I do?”
“Grab a pen and your great grandfathers old art book.”
Silently but sternly providing instructions.
I listened.
Yet more questions rose, “what song must I make? What beat is good enough? How can I find the right beat?”
Just as many more came to mind, Gods voice calmed me and suggested that I look instead of sitting paralyzed with my questions.
Deciding that I must really be crazy, and going for it anyways, I found the beat I used for this song.
The beat was titled “This beat has chosen you.”
In prior context my nan and I that same day were talking about the importance of the numbers 12, 22, and 7 in relation to our family and the bible.
When I had found said beat, it had 12k views, and was released 7 days prior.
Seeing it as a sign I downloaded it immediately.
I heard the beautiful sample and how it blended smoothly with the drums, then I started to cry once again briefly…
I had thought to myself, “why am I, a sinner enslaved to his own sin, like the fool in the bible, worthy of this much guidance and love?”
Emotions started to overwhelm me yet no more tears had come..
I took a deep breath;
“Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have let the devil in…”
It was on beat, I immediately understood what had to be done.
I used my pain as a vessel to carry a message that was true to me..
I realized that I’ve been feeling a lot of survivors guilt over the last couple months and had questioned why must I be brought back from death, while my loved ones stay?
I paused, stuck with not knowing what to write, I once again heard the soft yet stern voice of God;
“You must continue forward, they wouldn’t have wanted you to stay stuck mourning their loss, and neither do I, trust that I will take care of you and the rest.”
Overcoming the overwhelming emotions of grief and guilt, this song was made by the strength God has given me..
I do not claim to be perfect, I will most likely sin again either willingly or unwillingly;
Yet I am trying my best to be better everyday, even if it’s 1% at a time.

Sometimes in order to dance we must take two steps backwards..
I pray that this song can help those that need it to help the same way creating it has helped me..
I’d like to thank God, and whoever is listening and whoever has read all the way through to here, and thank God for connecting us together no matter how briefly you stick around.
May God shine light on all of us during our dark times and protect us from evil.
I just wanna go home..
Yet I’m still learning where that is..

I hope this song can help you relate and feel less alone in your struggles.
The least I can be is a voice of my own heart and struggles.
All I ask is for people to listen, relate, and feel.
If God wills it, I will be around for each and everyone of you.

Thank you kindly and God bless 💜🙏💜

Like A Moth To A Flame I Sin Again

idrk wtf bro I’ve been numb asf recently, music helps but damn I’m tired..
I pray that whoever’s eyes land upon this receive many blessings.
Give yourself the love I cannot gift myself.
Don’t be me 👍

numb

Despite my ongoing struggles and effort to maintain my mental health and composure the stresses of society kept piling up.
People asking for advice with their mental health mistaking my silence as strength, and already not being able to talk about anything or connect like that was making it hard to speak in general.
Normally I was good at providing others the advice or tools that I used to get my headspace out of situations plenty of times before; yet these pains, these nightmares, thoughts, these flashes..
It didn’t matter what I did, I felt paralyzed;
Stuck, and people stopped asking about how I was doing;
Started asking me about silly girl issues n shit.
Hence the hook; “I cannot tell you what I do not know, like is your bitch loyal? Don’t know? Let her go?”
Then I stated my own experience with women and how I’m feeling exhausted with life and almost giving up on love.
“I’m getting tired, these bunnies love snow, I’m getting tired, been tryna say so.”

Shoutout to THEULTRAVIOLETCROW, man popped tf off on this Fr Fr

Untied [ft. THEULTRAVIOLETCROW]

Felt like cutting again today..
Decided that I didn’t want my family to see any new scars.. they already have enough to worry about.
They have always looked to me for strength;
Yet recently I don’t know if I’ve been enough for them..
My friends call me to support them, I can only hope I’m enough…
In reality I’m struggling, dealing with betrayal, loss, pain, and strife.. 
I asked God to provide me a different way of expressing that emotion so I wouldn’t fall back into cutting..
This song is the result of that request..
I broke two pens writing this song.. 
I got mad that they wouldn’t work and with all the mixed up emotions at the time, I wasted two perfectly good pens.
Although I don’t know if they were the best cause they kept not wanting to fkn write, yet here we are…
Songs finished.
I hope you can enjoy or possibly relate and feel less alone throughout your inner struggles as well 🙏💜🙏

Drunken' Sobriety

Never Understood My Mind is supposed to act as the middle act of the mixtape.
With its lyrics being key statements of things I’ve found out after thoroughly investigating.
I’ve found within myself lies an issue.
Something I must fix.
But what?
Is it a concept?
Is it a pattern of thinking?
A world belief?
So many things, my heart remains pure;
Yet my mind has been fractured over what life has done and what life I chose.
The decisions I’ve made without thinking and the dumb decisions that I thought were smart at the time.
This song acts as the reminder of the truth behind this project;
Despite my awareness of these issues within myself and my life;
Despite my solutions I’ve tried and the tools that work.
I still can’t understand my mind.
I never did.
I will continue to try to.
Yet what the fuck 🤣

Never Understood My Mind

Mouse Utopia

Too many people have been dying in my life recently.
I’ve lost so many loved ones either through death or bad decisions, some even being my own bad decisions..
I’m tired;
I’ve been asking for death since I was a kid.
Then as soon as I got hope and started loving;
Death took many..
But refused me every time I forced a meeting.
I was angry, yet my anger was only sadness being masked.
Normally I run from those things called emotions.
God forced me to face them before I continued my cycles of bullshit I guess 🤷‍♂️
Made me feel like Cain being cursed to stay alive throughout time so he can never reach heaven because he stoned his brother Abel.
“Made my mistakes the stones I have grabbed.”

The Ballad Of Cain

I don’t need you..
I want you to be with me..
I want to choose you every day.. as much as I want you to choose me every day.. again.
I don’t need you. 
I want YOU, here. 
I WANT you back. 
Yet, I don’t need you.

My life without you has been pain indeed.
Enough pain to turn me into whatever I am still becoming.

I’m not afraid to become that person;
Yet, I am afraid to be that person without you.
I don’t need you. 
I WANT to stop pretending like we never happened. 
I WANT to talk again, because MY heart feels a need to.
Yet darling… 
I don’t need you;
I want you to want me as much as I want you…
I want you to want me as much as you want too..
So I ask you,
Are you with me?
Can we talk?
Can we start over?
Go for a walk?

UwMe? {outro}

My family kept calling me out for not talking with them about our recent shared traumas.
I’d talk with them for their grief yet after months of silence they noticed that I never spoke of mine.
I didn’t know how.
I didn’t even speak about it all with myself yet.
I was running for months, hell years even
Into lust, greed, gluttony, addiction and drugs.
I just kept repeating these cycles.

The itch of addiction crawling all in my brain, I relapsed after almost 2 months of sobriety.
My head was so loud.
I was so angry, my tools weren’t working.
So I said fuck it and grabbed some weed as mentioned in The Ballad Of Cain, rolled a joint, sat at a park bench by a tree and smoked a joint while writing to myself the very questions in this song.
This song is an honest conversation with myself and my shadow.

I was going to differentiate the voices so it would be like different characters, then I was like “man I’m too tired for this shit imma jus do it let them figure it out.”
So yeah 👍 
I love you 💜

Conversations With My Shadow

Fvhkd Up

The Explanation

KZ10 has been tryna work with me for some time now, (great producer Fr Fr) -it’s been nearly a year of us going back and forth and me going through tons of drama and family shit that has prevented from reaching back to him.
Despite our time zone differences he kept checking in with me outside of the music to make sure I was all good, honestly so much of my life this year has somewhat been a haze and a lot of days have blurred into one.
Running into my addictions being so fucked up I’ve been unable to reach back to not only him but also a lot of other people..
When he reached out again to check in with me and see if I have done any work with his beats I kinda snapped out of it; just realized “oh fuck this is happening, I’m making music and people are reaching out.” It’s a cool feeling yet I still can’t help but feel an overwhelming numbness in my day to day life, I’m off the weed now, yet found myself further numbing with alcohol and even not being able to sleep without that now..
Yet as soon as I heard this beat, I knew I could finally do something special with it;
I didn’t want to give some half assed song back to KZ10 as he definitely deserves my best work.
Finally I feel like I was able to deliver that to not only him, but to you guys as well.
I know the quality has been improving a lot yet this was one of the first tracks I fully wrote and mixed sober for a long while..
I prayed for Gods assistance as I was writing it as I wasn’t sure how to put my feelings into words, especially with having been so out of it and numb recently..
Sometimes I forget I can use my craft as a way to get some of these feelings out, and the coolest thing about it is having people reach out to me on SoundCloud or Instagram requesting to work with me and or people reaching out saying that some of my songs have helped them through some of their hard times.
Honestly it’s a crazy feeling and it’s a lot better than feeling numb all the time.
Yet I only have all of you to thank for that;
Without yall I’d just be releasing stuff into a void; 
A void of which I already feel within
Yet if my pains can be a conduit of helping you feel your own, and serve as a reminder you are not alone.
Then bring on the pain baby 🤣
(Oh gosh it still sucks most times but fuck it 😤)

Anyways if this song resonates with you and or you’ve read all the way down to here, just know you are loved and you are worth it 💜
I love you all please continue to live on, even when your battles feel overwhelming.
Keep fighting 😤😤
Once again, much love to you all and thank you for not only listening but reading as well 💜💜

numb pt 2

This one is a story.
It’s dark.
Yet true.
It’s the story of when I first killed myself.
I was 13.
Suicidal since I was eight;
Exhausted.
I didn’t want to see any more.
I ran a hot shower bath to try to calm myself down or remind myself of some kind of peace.
It didn’t work.
I grabbed a razor.
Tested it on my thumb.
Sharp. Smooth.
I wasn’t going to slice horizontally.
This song is the story of what follows and what I seen and my feelings afterwards.

There is a reason the sun was shining when I woke up and I’ve been trying to find it since.
The last half of the song is me expressing how I feel about recent events in my life all these years later.

As My Life Fades To Black

By far the scariest thing about life is love.
How can such a sweet tasting fruit end up so rotten and bitter?
How can someone move on and just forget 2 whole years like it meant nothing?
Why can I forgive but not be forgiven?
Why must I be hurt in order to be loved by this person?
All questions that only come up with love.
All questions of which can destroy everything you think about yourself.

I always thought love from this world would save me…
Oh boy did it destroy everything…
I’ve lost more than I’ve had.
Yet I’ve gained more than I’ve lost.
I love love.
Yet I fear how others will love me..

My Greatest Fear Is Love

Honestly just sick of the bullshit in life, asking myself so many questions, like “how can I be enlightened if I’m feeling stalled?” How does that work?
Is everything about who I think I am false?
Is it an idea?
I’m just tired of all these questions with no answers
So I said fuck it, took shrooms and ran to my problems to figure out what the fuck is the answer.
More questions come up yet at least some are becoming resolved.
This song acts as my time capsule for when I started to try to understand and love my problematic ego instead of hating myself.

In other words;
Just a swaggy flow on a swaggy track man 🤙🤣

Problematic

True colours get revealed..
All that's left sometimes is the pain..
I miss who I thought some people were..
I miss having my love valued by some people..
God has shown me the things that I must confront..
I didn't want to confront these things, I wanted to go to bed.
It was only 6:30 though; feeling betrayed from the. events the days prior;
I wasn't angry;
Well at first I was yes;
Yet I didn't want to respond in anger, I didn't want it to be real quite frankly.
I laid down and my mind started racing, emotions started going all over the place, going from anger to confusion to understanding, right back into confusion and anger..
I breathed.. took a moment.. asked myself, "where do I feel this in my body? and what can I do to get it out?
Immediately I heard a familiar sharp and stern voice.
"Get your feelings out on a song."
Here is that song.
Enjoy

Switch

With so much continuing to pile up all at once;
With people showing true colours;
People trying to hurt me.
I've come to realize;
God is taking away all that has been holding me back..
Creating space for what will assist in my growth and evolution.
I prayed for true colour to be revealed, and the strength to be able to make the right decisions.
Yet my mind is all over the place;
Filled with rage and confusion; I want to attack yet even when examining what's going on I can't help but understand.
Its frustrating;
I WANT to talk;
Yet there is no point to talk with someone who can't ever see their own wrong doings.
Misunderstandings or not, there are ways to handle things.
Clearly the value for me isn't the same.
I'm done, I'm done trying to help and love this person who can effortlessly bash me behind my back and in public.
I want to answer your calls man I really do, yet I have nothing more to say; my trust is broken and I have no intentions on rebuilding it with someone who thinks sleeping with their friends girlfriends/exes behind their backs is cool and or ok.
My absence in your life should cause you more pain than yours in mine.
You've made your decisions...
It's time for me to make mine…

To Everything I've Ever Lost; Thank You For Setting Me Free

Recently I’ve been in a position in life where I feel stuck.
Stuck between the old and the coming of the new.
Almost overwhelmed by my head trying to predict the new with the patterns of old.
I remind myself that even my mind can be a valley of the shadow of death if I am not careful.
Unlimited potential limited by only being able to choose one.
What choice do you make?
Do you let nature take its course?
Or do you take action?

Shadows & Valleys

Bro honestly I woke up today in a weird mood,
I think due to the events that occurred during my show (yesterday upon writing this) plus trying to choose sobriety today probably wasn't helping 😅

I was thinking of how someone I have love for betrayed my trust for no reason and then showed up at the show to talk with me, yet left when they had opportunity to talk w me.
I still don’t understand.
I was upset at first;
Then I took a good look at those who are still around me, those who still love and respect me; and I was like "MAAAAANNNNNEEEE why TF am I stressing over someone who CLEARLY doesn't give a SHIT about me or how I feel?"
Then after the emotions went through I was like 'Fuck.. this still sucks tho."

So instead of just sitting on that sucky feeling, I did a workout, then after that work out I got mad inspired to get the remaining energy out in a creative way.
I wanted to alchemize my feelings into something completely different, creating almost a new reality for myself within this song.
I heard the beat and was thinking back to Mike Jack and that one Tory Lanez album and was like YEOOOOOO 😤😤 Caught a groove right-the-fuck-away and freestyled this whole song 😅
Shit amazes me, have to give glory to God cause ain’t no way I made this on my phone in two hours on my own 🙏🙏🙏

Depending on how this one does I might have to make a disco album gang! 
This shit was so fun to make fr! 🤣 
I might just say fuck it and make one anyways 😤

Got the feeling I needed to get out, out  and I was able to dance and vibe the whole time while doing it.
Thank you for listening I hope you enjoy as much as I did/do 🤣
I was gonna schedule this for a later release but nah man yall gotta hear this 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Who?

I've spent majority of my life feeling a faithful Numbness, a unique feeling, my own personal hell.
After spending years comfortably in my own hell, God sent someone my way to change my perspective of life.
And changing my perspective they are.
For the first time in a long time I can FEEL.
Im terrified to lose the ability to FEEL again;
I like this person;
Yet I'd be a fool to not admit my feelings;
I am not going to lose another person I love and care about because fear made me unable to talk..
I will push through;
Yet these are complex and deep feelings that I still don't quite know how to express;
Which is why it seems like almost a complete genre change.
Im trying to express something new..
Love..

Lost In You…

I know what a mirror looks like baby;
Don't break our hearts by pushing me away..

I Know...

Woke up today and was like "Maneee fuck its the first of the month, how the FUCK am I STILL BROKE?"
Fuck this rat race bullshit
Fuck the nonsense with The Devil that runs this systemic slavery, God wins in the end anyways
Imma keep following God through my struggles cause God helped me through every hard time I couldn't pay my bills, not my friends or my family, GOD.

I took sometime to reconnect with God in the wilderness for a couple days and have been back in the city for only a day.
Yet since I've been back I'm noticing how absent God is here.
Feels like he's only with me and a certain few here..
Its strange, even the churches here feel.. off;
He feels far from this place in comparison to the wilderness.

Anyways this song is me venting about the bullshit of taxes, also thanking God for the work he continues to do in my life.

NoFundz

“If God is for you it doesn’t matter who isn’t.”
I am the shadow you must confront

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@Connekdead on all plats

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