We've a polished a turd
And it turned out great
We the fooled the masses
to rotten grapes

All who ate them 
Became drunk
In fermentation
We shit on your rug

We polished a turd and it turned out great
It smelled it so good its something we ate
We sold it to all from far and wide
We exploited your dreams
Fingered your wife

And I lost some money
And I lost face
And so emberassed
That ill hide my face

So we were discovered 
Polishing this turd
It's so rediculous
And very absurd

We buffed out the shit
And it turned out great
We blasted  the shit off your plate
And now family buys it up
The bullshit could fill up a pickup truck

Rettchhh errghhlllleee uurrpppp heehhhhhhh hsshhhhhhh
shhhreeeppppppdddd
erruutrpppp buuuuu
ruuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

Oohhhh, 24 !!!
(random afro american slogans)

The Polished Turd

come right down children,
and enjoy a piece of cake..
itll be a delicious.. 
just put it in your mouth and chew.
i really promise i'll be good...

thats right just keep coming closer
uncle joey aint gonna touch you
it only happened the one time
so lets just keep it secret..

we're stuck in wheels of illusion,
we've tried to ease your confusion
but remember it's an illusion.
we're stuck in a state curmudgeon

we've pieced together the weather
a violent reaction to all that is terror,
i've seen you abuse this
a substance that changes the way we do things

just take one more of these,
a yellow pill with limitless discoveries
let it reach your brain
and stop the abilities of desires and pain

we're stuck in wheels of illusion
we're in a state of curmudgeon
but remember it's an illusion
we're stuck in a state of curmudgeon.

sleep well tonight.....
let sweet dreams greet you.
sleep well tonight........
let these dreams kill you.
sleep well tonight.........
oh let me f*ck you.
sleep well tonight.............
oh let them eat you

wrestling with bears is easy,
not as good as eating chesse i...
wish i had a reason not to
punch your mouth,
and eat your teeth too.

repeat.. and so on


Sleep Well, Tonight

yeahhh just throw your keys in the bowl.. hheeehhhe

All welcome to Dave's little party ! woo !
Just throw your keys, in the bowl.

You'll never know, just what you'll get ! woo!
Could be Cory, Could be Dave could be Steve or maybe his wife,
oh shit! it just feels so wrong!

Welcome, to Daves key party! woo!
Brian is gonna suck your fuckin dick, ohhh!
He says that he's got no problem with it ! oh noo!
He says he don't care who he throws under the bus, under the bus
under the bus!

ohhh! it was a godamn sketchy night !
had to get my pee-hole swabbed, thursday's fright, whoo!
oh my godamn wife, she don't mean shit !
when we're at the key party, Brian's my bitch ! BITCH!

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, oooh that feels so good !
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, oooh that feels so good !
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, oooh that feels so good !
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, oooh that feels so good !

Yeahhh.... Uhhh. Pass me a cigarette. I had such a good time.... fffucking everyone you know... ughhhh. Maybe someday we can, work together again? hhehhhehehehe and I can FUCK you again??!!

at the key party... at the key party.... at the key party... party HARD

Lumbergs Key Party

yo dawg that fuckin' stinks

man I don't think I can make it to the birthday party today... Im feelin fuckin terrible... just gotta lay down...




Wake up , cant take a shit

rollin in bed letting fuckin farts rip

they smell like an old dead dog

under the deck, rotting in a bog

my homies, don't understand

they bring me burritos whenever they can

the second I sneak out of my space

I gotta shit all over the place




mcdonalds and taco bell

bring my guts to a personal hell

my undies I gotta check

every 5 minutes for skids and shit




my girlfriend has to sleep with a gask mask,

and diapers at her feet

god save me If you can

these rolaids backfired again




it's the IBS, it's the IBS, irritable bowel (X2)




oh godamn is it Christmas already?

I cant have any of the turkey, I cant have any of the stuffing, I can't have any of the gravy, I cant have any of the fucking cranberries... I just can't fucking eat anything !!




yo,

low fat.

soy in my mouth, makes things feel better

but shit , can't taste nothing but it hurts

every time I fart it blurts

a little but of shit. in my pants

it makes me feel like chance,

everything I wanna do, is ruined by the poo




it's the IBS, It's the IBS, Irritable bowel (X4)




Yo,

I reached my wits end with this thing

it fuckin hurts all the time.

I'm taking shits that look like an old pile of oatmeal

I can't go anywhere no more....




shittin' at walmart, pickin up the crabs...

from the toilet seat.... (X2)




I can see them jumping,

right at my balls

I'm at wits end...

I can see them jumping right at my balls yo




Maybe someday you'll understand,

think about the worse flu you ever had homie.. that's it..

irritable bowel syndrome.. one in five has it....

IBS Awareness Rap

RIp Dave Brockie - Oderus Urungus

it was a monday night when i heard the news
that you had died, and I had some booze
Well I took my hands and put them down my pants
into my crotch, then I smelled it

It was a tuesday night still hadn't bathed,
I was smelling ripe All godamn day
And then I put my fingers up to my nose,
and I took a smell didn't smell like rose

And my crotch smelled like shit,
and I have to admit.... Yeah, my crotch smells like shit
because I've been sitting in .. it..

yeah now it's wednesday night and it really stinks,
my balls are red.. with diaper rash and shit... 
but i won't bathe until i see you again 
I dont know when it will be, but I'll be there
oohhh my balls smell like shit. cause I've been sitting in it.
Yeah, my balls smell like shit. cause i've been sitting in it.

goodnight my sweet prince....

My Balls Smell Like Shit

Can you hear the whispering wind? 
Over the screams of your dying friends? 

Did you know your life was mine? 
You know what I got 

Ham on the bone
A little thing that I just can't leave alone 
Now feel the purpose of my life defined 
Ham on the bone is mine 

Go! 

Now you're on call 
To the desperate scene 
At the throbbing ball 
And you'll do it all 
Now you've become my geni-thrall

You know what I've got 
Ham on the bone 
A little feeling I just can't leave alone
Now feel the purpose of my life defined
Ham on the bone is mine

Now my hand grasps
My throbbing root and shan't unclasp
Go to the head of the class
As I madly stroke my flaccid shaft
Yeaaaaaah! 

You know what I've got
Ham on the bone! 
A little feeling I just can't leave alone
Now feel the purpose of my life defined
Ham on the bone is mine

Go! 

Ham, ham, ham, ham! 
Ham on the bone
Ham, ham, ham, ham! 
Ham on the bo-one
Ham, ham, ham, ham! 
Ham on the bone
Ham, ham, ham, ham! 
Ham on the bo-one


______


written by GWAR!

Curmudgeon - Ham On The Bone (GWAR Cover)

Ohhhhh sshiiiiiiittttt

There's children starving in Africa
there's cities that have years without rain
there's lepers Dying in India
and there's war dead with no names

yet you have all of these things
that everyone else hates
Chanel, Coutoure, Vitton I hate
So what, you get paid a little less?

You brought your protest to city hall
then you went straight to the fucking mall
consumer of consumed, your life is cheap
you don't represent anything that you speak

you're so transparent anyone can see
your care is for you and not humanity
if you really cared
you'd go out and DO SOMETHING




Check Your Privilege

donned in nascar shirts they ride
lining up in single file
drive throughs lined up for miles
while no one is waiting inside


the world has ended
and you didnt prepare
you were eating bonbons 
and frizzing your hair




eat him
he looks so
delicious
but he's your
own son
what matters
is that he looks
like a ham


stuff him
in your mouth
you fat fuck
size of a truck
your husband
is dead from
choking on dicks
in your bed


heyyy you
(eating sounds)


timmy
you're gone
the cops are
on call
looking for you
hey wait
isnt the end
right here?


it turns
you were 
watching tv
on discovery
a hypothetical situation
about humanities situation


AND YOU!
ate your kid
he was good
and kept you fed
and now you will
pay for this!
in hell!


WOOOAAAAAAAAAAA
(child crying sounds)


tim
died
for
my
hunger
in
side
my
belly
it
swells
for
food
yet
i
move
inside
you
the
truth
it's
there
oh
ya
eat
arms
chew
face
why
hey
dr 
pepper


Gimme My Timmie

Go to sleep,
and close your eyes.
tomorrow brings
a godly surprise
 
And I wonder,
what method we’ll use
a cute little baby
turned into refuse
 
One quick push
is all it takes
at the bottom
hangars and rakes
 
What a sad site
the look in your eyes
while little baby
meets his demise
 
Congregation let us gather today
for a celebration of decay
Now let us all hold hands
while we push the mother
down a flight of stairs
We can’t let this baby live in sin
two gay mothers and a bottle of gin
Only God will understand,
why coathangars are the only option
 
Watch your head as you hit the bottom
It’s not your mind we will caution
It’s the little bundle of sin in your belly
Our God won’t let you live in infamy!


Coathangar Baptism - DEMO

Lyrics: Pete Sawatzky, Jon Dallaire
Music: Jon Dallaire

(spoken)
Ensign: Ahhhh... officer number one to the bridge.. offer number one to the bridge.. i got a question...

Warf: I'm just wondering if you've ever had a klingon.. in.. inside of your body
Riker: Ohhh god no i've never!!!
Warf: I.. i was wondering if maybe, you wanted to try it
Riker: ohh. on second thought, I don't see why not....

Captain: captains log... stardate 4594.4.9.65.72 to the power of 7. This one is... chunky. Maybe with some elements of corn inside of it. I don't know what i ate on the planet beta reticuli number four, but i do believe it was highly fiberous.  I thought we could remedy it in sick bay.. but it seems to me, my first officer.. he is growing a beard, and i have become.. VERY curious. So we will see where it leads us, on our adventures through space... captain out....

Rikers got no beard,
the enterprise has got no class.
fire those phasers..
And let us light up some ass

On a distant planet
we snuck out on leave.
we discovered each other.
A human and klingon weave.....

Live long and prosper,
With the balls in your mouth.
A dorm full of dudes.
equals sex in the mouth.

Experiment,
I shaved my beard so it feels so good....
then i'll grow it out some...
so that it tickles your hood.

*alien GRUNNNNTTTT*

Insane,
Are we.

Playing with,
Your weeds.

It seemed so good,
In your minds....
Until your...
barbed  member went in mine

We had it all,
You'll never know...

it seemed so good..
in your minds.
until your,
barbed member met mine

Insane, 
Are we.
Playing with,
Your weeds.

We forgive....
You'll never know....




Rikers Got No Beard

He sees those who've lost direction,
he will bring their souls attention..

cast first stone and rid aggression,
castrate yourself and rid depression

You're burning down my compound
but i've been your God for so long....
drink another kool-aid,
and you'll see absolution calling,
it's calling..

There's the savage messiah,
We'll burn together in a funeral pyre,
then we'll meet out there..
My name is Jim Jones, Bitch.

He sees those who've lost direction
He will bring their souls attention.
cast first stone and agression...

castrate yourself, and rid depression...

you're burning down my compound,
but i've been your god for so long.

Drink another kool-aid
and absolution will be calling.

And my name name is , Jim Jones...



Comets Castles And Churches (acoustic)

i was minding my own business one thursday night , at the restaurant called EL CAZUMMMOOO
and i was eating a shark fin soup, it was quite delicious.
and then all the sudden this GOD DAMN tiger shark (TIGER)  approached me from the other table and he took my napkin (NAPKIN!) sufficed to say what an embarassing set of circumstances !

Will you apologize Mr Shark? Meow meow?
you taste so good!
you taste so good in a soup
you are in my godamn mouth
You'll see i'll gladly accept you to be eaten
And now I cant stand this reflux..
mr shark.. mr shark mr shark
you are taking my napkin...
you are, you are, you are taking my napkin

When we realize...
you're in my eye...
and then i'll put you back in the sea
to be with your friends

your fins taste so good
cause i havent eaten them yet
but it's okay
cause this chinese dude said they're worth a lot of 
money... MONEY, MONEY!

HAaaaaa HAAAAA hAAAAAA!!
Take you, take you beneath the sea
I'll take you, take you beneath the Godamn Sea
...

We'll take you, beneath the Godamn Sea...
Take my, godamn napkin
does it matter to you? it doesnt matter to me?
Woah! Hey there, come back
how can you walk without legs?
hey thats messed up.
(>?????? unintellgable nonense followed by poor jazz inprovisation)

We'll enter you back into the godamn sea, from which you came
we'll let you go, after we eat your damn fins, which taste so good...
so good......
dooodllledoleldloedlle
then we'll touch you, touch you.. medolelodowww


And then it seemed that the problem had been resolved because, he had a bit of charity.. he brought the napkin back to me . I opened the napkin to reveal he had written a note, how weird because he has no hands. The note reads: Human, perhapse the next time I am eating soup, it will be made of human legs....... 

????
???



Shark, Gimme Back My Napkin

Let me tell you a story
about one day when i went out for a drive.
i godamn ran into a land whale
the size of a friggin' boat
this is how it goes...

one day i was driving around
i saw this woman around town
she weighed about 300 pounds
and she had 5 chins

she looked at me with squinty eyes
cause her fat was pulling them down
your big fuckin head is really gross
and i puked in my mouth instead.. she said

it's a glandular disorder....
oh no it aint
it's genetics....
ohhh no it aint
it's mcdonalds fault....
oh no it aint

it's your fat fucking hands stuffing food in your face

it's genetics......
oh no it aint
its the restuarants....
oh no it aint
it's my daddy's fault...
oh no it aint

it's your fat fucking hands stuffing food in your face

yeah baby...
she looked at me with those demon eyes
like i was a slice of pizza
i turned myself around and i started to run
cause the hunger is insatiable...
you know what she said to me?
this is what she said to me bro, i can't beleive it myself
but this is where it went.

it's genetics...
no it aint
it's cause im sad.....
no it aint
it's food labels....
oh not it aint

it's your fat fucking hands stuffing food in your face

it's bacteria..i dont feel so good.. its my fault.. im going to throw up.. im sad

DOoo DOO Doodelde Woommbababa! Laddyy chigggadatootoo!!!

It's genetics....
no it aint
it's my mothers fault...
fuck no it aint
it's a glandular disorder....
oh jesus christ no it aint!!!

it's your fat fucking hands stuffing food in your face!!!

it's cause im sick...
oh no it aint
it's mcdonalds...
oh no it aint
jesus fucking christ oh no it aint!!!

it's your fat fucking hands stuffing food in your face!!!

ohhhh in your face
now when you die, they're gonna take two plots
cause you're so fucking huge

it's cause im sad...
oh no it aint
i have a tummy ache
oh godamn no it aint!
I'm allergic to vegetables....
oh no it aint

it's your fat fucking hands stuffing food in your face!!

it's depression
she said to me as i went back to my car
and i drove away....... ohh ooowoooowooowoooo
ooooeeeeooooo






Tale Of A Land Whale

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