ToU

فوضى، زي الدنيا بدونك، زيي بدونك!

The power went down today for several hours after the evening, all the lights and the Internet traffic were gone, my phone died several times, and I remembered you, not as if I had forgotten you for a moment, but when I sat alone in that room just candlelight and writing, I remember you. I remembered how much you know that this is my favorite moment all winter. The darkness, the paper, the pen, the candle, and the sound of the rain, made me start writing to you. I wrote a long letter saying how I miss you. I wrote about the several months that you were absent. I wrote about the many times I cut my hair and was about to break our break up and send you messages to inform you about that because you're unlike everyone get excited about it. I wrote about that mutual friend who went away, and I couldn't even tell you about it and miss him together. I wrote about that time about a month ago when I heard your voice by chance in the most random place, and how that reminded me of our last meeting nearly half a year ago and how I panicked to see you there by chance and I never told you. that cold meeting, that stupid two-second handshake when I felt like I would never let your hand go. I wrote a lot, knowing full well that I'd never send it. Instead, I chose to do this collection of voices that tell a little about what is in my head. I know you won’t listen. I know it won’t arrive, but one day, perhaps not for twenty years, you'll come back and hear it. I hope you will. You will know then how sorry I am, and how much I regret letting you go , because as I have always told you, "you are worth it.”

I always say, “ان تكتب يعني ان تبتر صوتك” Therefore, Iam not the owner of all the voices, these voices, but there are thousands and thousands in my head competing to come out, the problem is that you're not here to listen, so listen.

31.1.24 12:50am




Flashback. Not enough. Because the message will not arrive, as if this will arrive! I miss you.  

30/1 6pm - 31/1 2am

to U ❤️

illusion
4.2.24.    4:48am


.................
this is also an old message that lost in my books and never arrived to you...
I thought about writing to you a lot every damn day, when I had shocking news, or even when I didn't have anything, that emptiness was screaming at me like hell. I was afraid that one day I would get so high that I would call you, but to be honest, even if I did, the idea that I hadn't heard your voice for a long time would terrify me, and I would stop immediately. I wrote to you when I cut my hair. I wrote about how I never regretted cutting my hair, I regretted cutting you off. and I regret it every day keeping you away from me. I thought that when I kept you away from me, it would be difficult. You know because you're different, but I never imagined it would be this difficult. I had gotten used to losing two or three friends every day, but that day I lost you was disastrous, driving me crazy every second. I think about it constantly, all the time. I ask myself a question that I have never asked before: Why did I give up on us?
When I started writing this letter, I remember that I wanted to say something specific, but this damn introduction made me forget everything, but just a quick question: Have I ever told you that maybe I love you?!

23.9.23
….    ………

I'm sick of people asking about you, whenever my friend comes up with your name out of nowhere, when my mom asks about you. That's why i didn't want to tell her about us, it was never about shame. See, i know you, you leave all the time, that's what you do. and it's okay i understand, i can live with that. but with your damn name around me every second, and with the fact that I don't wanna hear it anymore. That's it, we're done.
20.2.24 2:31am

I can't be one of the things I spent my life fighting it
19324

For a long time since we stopped talking, I was afraid that I never told you "I love you". But I did, check Jan 16, 22. 
4.6.24 | 4:44am

illusion

"احضنيني اكنه فش بكرا.!"

I'm not really a people person. But, when you need help, call me.

لا تلوموه قد رأى
منْهجَ الحقِّ مُظلما
وبلاداً أحبَّها
ركنُها قد تهدًّما

All the rights saved to their own, I own nothing and I owe everyone a big apology. I'm just someone without a voice.

Dima Alhajajlah 
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Ma2yGitOFn2BDF8twuwXN?si=X4uyto71RUyY8vt_0Zw1Jg&pi=WEz16bY7Rw2cW

illusion

DiMa HajajLah 💙🎶