back&forth (draft 1)

EDM project @duskaponne 🥰❤️




wanting to find myself within the empty shell of my body…
not anything official or nothin...
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sometimes i just hate existing. i just wanna make my own music and watch anime. everything just seems awful right now. life as a whole makes me wanna disappear into nothingness. as long as i have my music and anime ill be ok, but i dont if i even have that right now. where do i go from here. everything looks terrible from my perspective right now. i am overthinking everything, and i cant stop stressin over life. i dont need much. ill be fine with just my music and anime. knowing that i guess ill be ok. we'll see how it goes...

yea well now i hate my music because i feel like i cant enjoy my music for myself. i am too worried about other people listening to my music which is why i use labels to release music, but i feel when i do so i am less of an artist. i just want to make music for myself and not care about what anyone else thinks. i would be fine if just like ten people loved my music and commented and liked and did all that jazz. just ten actual fans who would buy a ticket to my show if i was performing nearby them. just 10 people. thats all i want. but more importantly, i want to feel like an artist again, making songs and creating artwork because i like the aesthetic, not because some label does. i just dont know where to go from here. part of me wants to delete every project ive worked on and start from scracth because i just dont know what direction i want to take my music and it gives me so much anxiety and makes me so stressed. i just compare my artist projects to other artists and i feel so inferior as an artist. i just dont know who i am as an artist right now. its scary. im not sure what to do...

Well now that some time has passed I'm still dealing with similar issues. Life is meaningless. I have no motivation rn.

Yea well i thought that stuff was true but now im having a hard time existing without u. I didn’t expect to fall so in love but now that ur gone i realize how much i need u here. I still love those things abt myself but they are much harder to realize when ur gone. But ik that the best thing for u rn is to give u space from me, and that hurts because im the one that hurt u and nothing will change that, so i just hate myself so much for the amount of pain i put on u when i thought i was different, but ig i still need to grow. Im sorry. I love u and miss u. I hope ur happy ❤️

guess it's all gonna be ok in the end...

Meditation and taking cold showers are the two things really keeping me going right now. It is really hard having real thoughts about you and also fake thoughts about you, and I am beginning to not be able to differentiate the two. To combat this I have tried so very hard to push you out of my brain, but I realized that I cannot. My love for you still holds on, but I let it sleep now, listening and waiting for the right time to show itself. After doing so, almost all of the feelings I feel for you originate from my anxiety. I ignore these feelings as I know they are not real, however the effect they have on my life is very real. I push them away constantly, using up all of my strength to prevent these thoughts from clouding my perception of who you are. I am growing tired from this daily struggle, and hope one day that you may help me push back against these thoughts by gracing me with your love. In the meantime I cry and breath to keep these thoughts as far away from you as possible, while I silently wait for your sweet return with a love that sets me apart.